Let Go. Just Be.

Image may contain: people sitting, living room, table and indoor

It’s 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning.   Like most weekend mornings, I’m sitting at my dining room table with my oatmeal and almond milk latte.  I’ve got a blanket wrapped around me, as I’m waiting for the house to warm up.  I turn the heat down at night because I get night sweats.  Across the room from me is my dog, Olivia, she’s an 11 pound Jack Russell/Shih Tzu, and she’s the light of my life.  She’s got her two front paws perched on the arm chair of the sofa.  She’s stretched herself as long as she can get, so she can get a good look at the birds outside the window.  She looks so content and happy.  11lbs — barely weight at all, yet she carries in her the most unconditional love I’ve ever known.

My place has the most amazing view of the city.  From where I’m sitting, I can see the mountains and the sleepy town nestled below.  There’s an urgency in me to get my day started, but I’m giving myself the permission to take a minute for me.  A minute to write, refect, and watch the world around me.  My studies, workout, and house renovations can wait an hour.

It’s these little pockets of time that matter in life.  The times you allow yourself to let go of everything to just be.  To breathe and enjoy the act of living.  This morning, I’m thankful for this time.  Soon I will run a bath and prepare myself for the day, but first one more cup of coffee.

 

Gobble Gobble – Happy Birthday

“It’s 40 below, and I don’t give a …..” – Gary Lee and The Showdowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAp7FvZ5Opw

This post was inspired by one of my favorite blog writers — End and Beginnings

Ok, it’s not quite 40 below, but it feels cold today.  Cold and wet: perfect weather for this Canadian Thanksgiving long weekend.  Gobble gobble; it’s turkey time.  Mmmhmmmm.  Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, cran sauce, and pumpkin pie: I feel a nap coming on just thinking about it.Image result for Turkey

Thanksgiving for me also means birthdays.  With the exception of my brothers and the next generation, my whole family has birthdays in October, myself included.  We’ve got my ma’s on the 5th, my sisters husband on the 12th, mine and my step-dad’s on the 14th, my sister’s on the 17th, and my late grandmother’s on the 22nd.  Counting backwards nine/ten months shows me that the reproducers where having themself one heck of a Happy New Years.

I was born on Thanksgiving day.  My birthday has landed on this great holiday four times over my lifespan.  I was born — people were giving thanks.  You’re welcome.  Kidding aside, I’m pretty honoured to share my birthday with this holiday.  A time to give thanks for all our blessings.

Image result for funny birthday cards

I believe it!

“A Day of General Thanksgiving to Almighty God for the bountiful harvest with which Canada has been blessed – to be observed on the 2nd Monday in October.”[2] (Wikipedia)

Thanksgiving is mainly a North American holiday; however, countries around the world celebrate similar holidays  with differing names.  In CanImage result for North Americaada, the first Thanksgiving was held in 1578.  Arthur Fobisher, a British explorer, prepared a meal for his crew who almost didn’t make it to the Canadian shores.  The U.S. celebrates a similar Thanksgiving holiday (turkey and pie), but on a different date — I believe the 4th Thursday of November.  The first Thanksgiving day in the U.S. was in 1621 when the Pilgrims and Wampanoags sat down to share a meal.  The holiday in both countries has been through many transformations since it’s beginning, but the observation remained the same: A day to give thanks.

 

In honour of the upcoming holiday, I’d like to dedicate this post to all that I have to be thankful for:

  • Physical health
  • Family and friends
  • A job that puts food on the table and a roof over my head
  • My dog
  • My blog family
  • ROCK AND ROLL BABY
  • All other music and wine
  • The ability to work on my mental health
  • Love
  • Rainy days
  • Sunny Day
  • Any day that I am breathing….

There are so many more things in my life that I am thankful for.  I never forget this, even when I’m struggling with my moods.  My struggles are part of my life experience; they’ve helped shape me into the person I’ve become.  Today, I give thanks for my perseverance to keep going even on days I don’t feel like I can.  Life is short and precious, so regardless of life’s circumstances, I choose to be thankful.

Fun Maker

Blonde Woman's Head Peeking Up from the Water from the Eyes Up

I’ve been spinning my wheels since I made the decision to switch up my anxiety meds, which led to the ultimate decision to quit taking them after 10 years of use.  I’ve had ups and downs, and I’m sure I still have a long recover road ahead of me.  Today, however, I’ve decided I’ve had enough.  I’m done talking about it, and I’m ready to move on with life.  To accomplish this, I must make it happen; therefore, this weeks project is THE FUN MAKER.

I need more fun in my life, so I’m setting a goal to do one (1) “NEW FUN” thing a day this week.  In order to make this a successful venture, I’ve set a few rules for myself.

Fun Making Rule Book

  1. Cannot be exercise related. (I work out twice a day as it is; therefore, exercise is a daily hobby and cannot be classified as “NEW FUN.”
  2.  Must not include alcohol.
  3. The television must be left off for the whole week.  (I usually end my day with a show or two, but this just makes me lazy.)
  4. No shopping allowed. (Too often I shop for entertainment when I’m bored.)
  5. No pre-planning. (each fun event must be decided on the day it occurs.  Exception: Wednesday evening my mom is treating me to a pedicure; this will count as my fun for the day)
  6. Be as spontaneous as possible.

Rules may not sound fun, but I know myself; I need rules to follow.

Today’s fun:  Swim in the river after my workout.

The plan is to go straight to the beach after a short workout at the gym.  No stops in between, as I might get side tracked and opt out of my fun time.  During my fun time, I promise myself to be mindful of the event, and I am not allowed to bring any worries or busy brain along for the ride.  I do not have a towel or swim suit with me, so I will have to swim in my workout shorts and then let the sun dry me off before I leave.

Monday Funday: River Swim — Pictures to follow.

Happy Monday Friends.

 

 

Riding Out The Storm 

My mood shift started Thursday afternoon, and it stayed pretty low until this morning (Sunday). It was my first real low dip since I stopped taking my anxiety medication, and it knocked me off my feet. It was so bad that I resorted to taking my Wellbutrin for two days just to manage.  

I don’t know that the meds helped but I woke up feeling much better today, and I have not taken a pill today. I don’t know the reason for the sudden drastic change of my mood, although I have a couple theories. My best guess is a hormonal spike (pms); however, I can’t be certain. Maybe I’m just so unaccustomed to “feeling” much of anything and when I was triggered, it just got way out of hand.  

I’ve been documenting all the events that led up to my 3 days of anxiety hell. I believe I need to relearn how to deal with life without the safety net of my medication, so my first line of defence is spotting major triggers.  Second, I’m going to see my doctor this week and ask for some Adivan. Adivan is used to treat accute anxiety, so I want some on hand for the rough patches.  

I’m still dedicated to going medication free, but I found out the hard way that  it’s not going to be an easy road.  The lows will be hard, but It’s the price I’m willing to pay to feel the highs.  I want to feel true joy again. I want to feel excited about life, something I haven’t felt in 10 years.  So today, I express gratitude for weathering my first shit storm.  I’m still standing.  

  

Sunny Side Up Please

bread, food, breakfastI’m having my mood sunny side up with a side o’ bacon today.  I’m sick of scrambled and hash — bring on the hollandaise.  Or should I say holidays?!?  2.5 more days and this little chicky has one whole week off.  Sun, fun, and if I’m lucky some HUNS.

This is the first day since I stopped taking my anxiety meds that I feel somewhat human.  I don’t want to jinx it here, but it is entirely possible that my discontinuation syndrome symptoms are starting to ease up some…. YIPPY.  My brain is still today — no obsessive worrying.  I am, however, obsessively thinking about what kind of beverage I’m gonna have on my first day off.  Currently, I’m thinking Gin and Soda, but  wine sounds pretty good to me too.  Ohhhh decisions, decisions.

Holidays make me happy, and I don’alcohol, party, cocktailt even need to go anywhere to enjoy them.  My staycation is sure to be everything I hope for.  The main event during my time off will be a bedroom overhaul.  I purchased a new bed last weekend, and I’ve been daydreaming about a bedroom makeover ever since.  I’m gonna go with a beach theme: light blue/grey/white walls, crisp white sheets, dark blue accents, pool boy, and big fluffy white and blue pillows.  It sounds so dreamy; I’m going to make it happen.  2.25 days to go.

Oasis at home

IN 2.15 days, you will find me rolling down grassy hills, laughing till I pee a little, or maybe you will find me lounging out front of my favorite cafe with book in hand.  I’m going to push myself out of my comfort zone and troll the streets for cute young men.   I’m not sure what I will do with one if I catch one, but who cares — fishing’s fun.

It’s my happy day today, so here’s me sending out joy to my blogg’n family.  I wish for all of you a smile today.  Happy Blogg’n Wednesday!

Catching Up

This past week has been something of a cleansing for me.  First, I’m feeling chemically cleansed because I stopped taking anxiety medication after 10 years of use.  My body is still going through the physical reaction to the change, and now my mind is catching up.

I’m definitely feeling a bit more anxious, and I am having to work extra hard at reminding myself to identify whether my thoughts are rational or not.  It’s hard to tell at this point if my anxiety is a result of coming off the medication, or if it has something to do with the lack of sleep and food I’ve been getting.  Maybe a combination of all three.  I’m toying with another theory; however, I think it’s too soon to determine it’s validity.  But something happened this weekend that has the little wheel (solo) turning in my head.

This weekend, I kept myself extremely physically busy.  I’ve found that the more I move, the less I feel like crap.  On top of my normal workouts, I moved a bed, cleaned my house, and then took on a landscaping project.  Yesterday was hot — extremely hot, and I decided to begin my yard project at the peek of the heat.  I busted up old rotten logs, racked gravel, pulled weeds, shovelled out my front garden, and hauled 2 big yard garbage bags or debris to my garbage bin.  Three hours of non-stop, heavy duty yard work in extreme temperatures had an unusual side-effect on me.

While tackling the yard work, I noticed I kept getting  dizzy, so I took several water breaks to keep hydrated.  When the work was done, and I was covered in dirt from head to toe, I jumped in the shower to clean up.  The dizziness continued, and so I figured I better try and eat something.  It was only 4:30pm, and I wasn’t ready for dinner, but I figured I could start the prep work.  I was in the mood to listen to some music while I cooked, so I brought up YouTube, plugged my speaker into my laptop, and found me some Willie Nelson.  The great thing about YouTube is that it continues to play songs that are similar to the one you chose.  Whenever I’m feeling physically off, I listen to old country.  A bit strange maybe, since I don’t even like newer country.  Anyway, I had a steady loop of ‘old country songs echoing through my house, as I chopped, grated, seasoned, and baked.

Song List:

Luckenbach Texas,   Blue Eyes Crying in The Rain,   Mama’s Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys,   Always on My Mind.

If you are under the age of 30, you may not be familiar with these songs.  This was the music of my youth; the kind of music that makes my soul ache for the past.  At some point during my dinner preparation, I pulled up a kitchen chair and just closed my eyes.  The music enveloped me, and I began to cry.  I sat, sang, and cried for almost an hour.  I haven’t cried like that since before I was medicated.  It didn’t hurt at all; it felt good.  It felt like a release of pent up emotions.  Is that what I had been doing?  Suppressing my emotions?  OR am I just extra sensitive right now because of the change to my chemical make up?  Like I said, it’s probably too early to say which is the case.  Either way, it felt good to cry unrestricted.  It will be interesting to see how I feel over the next few weeks.  I can tell you one thing — FEELING again, feels good.

 

 

Lovely People

 

sea, beach, holiday

We all know there is ugliness in this world.  You see it on T.V.; hear it on the radio, and witness it in the Costco check out lines.  Really people, you will not get through the line any faster by jamming your cart into the back of my knees.  Ugliness is a part of life, and it’s all around us.  However, I choose to not focus on the ugly; instead, I take note of all the lovelies.

If you look close enough, you will see there are more lovely people around than ugly — they just don’t get as much recognition.  I notice though.  I notice when someone makes eye contact and smiles back at me when we pass on the street.  I notice all the door holders, seat givers, and genuine helpers of the world.  People are lovely, and I see this every day.

I haven’t been feeling too well this week, and everyday I come to work, my co-workers ask me how I’m doing.  They want to know if there’s anything they can do to make my life easier, and it touches my heart.  Friends and family members text or call to check in with me, which means the world.  Fellow bloggers, strangers beyond this world, send words of encouragement.  Lovely people are everywhere.

If you spend too much time noticing the ugly, soon all you will see is the shit of the world.  Turn your attention to the everyday goodness, and your world becomes beautiful.