JUNK EMAIL

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If it weren’t for junk mail, I’d hardly get any mail at all…

My junk mail folder is full of enticing messages, so I thought it would be fun to make a list of my top 10 favorite subject lines.

  1. Jackhammer Male Enhancement – “Be the man you used to be, guaranteed”
    1. DOES THIS MEAN I WAS A MAN IN MY PAST LIFE?
  2. Deals & Liquidations – “Xmas toilet cover sets, Emoji head rests and more”
    1. I know where I will be doing my holiday shopping ūüôā
  3. Asiaeurodate.com – “Get a HOT Date with sexy Asian Beauties.”
    1. HOW DO THESE SITES GET MY EMAIL ADDRESS ANYWAY?
  4. Neurocet Pain Relief – “48 x STRONGER than Morphine and 100% safe”
    1. SAFE?  Well if they say so, it must be true.
  5. Netflix – “Your Netflix Membership has been suspended.”
    1. GOOD – because I don’t have a Netflix membership.
  6. Erect on Demand – “3 Things women Crave (that you can’t give them)
    1. WELL DA… That’s cause I don’t have a penis
  7. Important News – “Science Proves Biblical Cure (Atheists Stunned)
    1. I bet they are.
  8. Brain Power Tactics – “This Genius Drug Unlocks 92% of Brain Potential?”
    1. Question mark? ¬†Well I’m sold.
  9. facebook – “Wanna make up to $6500/month?!”
    1. Surely this is real… Why wouldn’t Facebook want to pay me $6500/mth
  10. Nugenix Testosterone – “You can feel stronger with Nugenix”
    1. They forgot to mention “and more masculine”

 

Junk Mail + Morning coffee = entertainment.

Come Feel The NOIZE

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Not too long ago, I wrote about falling in love with a rockstar…¬†Play Me A Song. ¬†Now said rockstar does not know me, and from what I’ve been told he has a girlfriend, still¬†that didn’t stop me from crushing on the blue eyed song bird. ¬†There was something about him that caught my attention, so naturally I Facebook stalked him.

We have over 40 mutual Facebook friends, and many of my close friends know him personally. ¬†His band has a ton of gigs all over town, so I ¬†didn’t feel too bad about checking him out. ¬†He’s basically famous. ¬†I simply wanted to know more about him; he intrigues me. ¬†He seems like someone I’d like to be friends with,¬†soooooo, I sent him a friend request a few days ago. ¬†To my extreme delight, he accepted my request, and I am now Mr. D’s Facebook friend.

My intentions are not romantic in nature. ¬† His voice, mannerisms, and sexy little dimples drew me to him, but¬†I totally respect the fact that he is already taken. ¬†However, I like knowing interesting people, and when someone peaks my curiosity, I gravitate towards them. ¬†Hopefully, Mr. D is not getting the crazy stalker chick vibe from me, but I’m sure if he was, he wouldn’t have accepted my friend request. ¬†It’s hard to say if we will one day be real life friends, but the universe is a strange place, so anything’s possible.

One another note, I started chatting with a pretty cool dude last night…¬†it was just a short back and forth, but I’m excited to see if there will be more to it. ¬†The time for love is here, I can feel it in the air, and in places I will not discuss on the internet ;)-

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It’s time to break my 4 year man (sex) hiatus — watch out world…. I have some catching up to do. ¬†I may be all talk here, but what ever, it’s fun. ¬†HAPPY HAPPY FRIDAY.

Play Me A Song

Person Playing Guitar

Musicians.  Such beautiful creatures.  Before I married my ex-husband, I had a string of guitar playing, long haired boyfriends.  Those were the most intense, yet volatile, relationships I have ever had.  I loved them; I hated them, but one thing was certain, I couldn’t get enough of them.   I wish, that,  I knew what I know now; when I was younger — I wouldn’t have changed a thing. Can you see it?  The devilish grin that just flashed across my face.  Naughty girl; naughty, naughty girl.

I had all forgotten about my  lustful musician following years… I repeat “had” forgotten.

THE STORY

He walked up to the stage and grabbed his guitar.  I saw him from across the yard, just as I was reaching into the ice bucket for another beer.

“Hello, my name is Dave.”  

I swear the earth’s rotation stops dead in it’s tracks.  I turn towards the sound of his voice and crack open my beer.

He clears his throat and begins to play.  Strum, strum, strumming his acoustic…his lips part…. and I, fall in love.  He had me in the palm of his hand; there was nothing, not even my bladder, that could tear me away from his voice.  I grabbed my chair from the other tent and placed it 8ft from where he was playing.  My love grew stronger with every song he sang.

I spotted the host of the party and rushed over to question him about the entertainment.

Me: “So, great party.  Thanks for inviting me; the food was delicious. Is Dave single?”

Host: “Oh you are so welcome, and thanks for coming.  No, he’s got a girlfriend.”

Me: “And how’s that going?”

Host: “Haha, well it’s been going on for about a year, but I can let you know if things don’t work out.”

Me: “Geez, thanks.”

   To Be Continued……..

Today — I Facebooked stalked him and followed his band page ūüôā  Before you say “stalker,” hear me out.  Now, I get that he does not know my name, and yes, he has a girlfriend.  True, I might be rushing things a bit, but we are in love.  Sure, he is not aware of the love we share, but no relationship is perfect.

Before I get myself into trouble, I’m going to stop the story here.  I’m leaving the clouds and my fantasies behind (for now).   Work is calling my name, and so is reality.  Buzz kills.  I hope you all enjoyed your weekend; I can’t wait to catch up on your posts.

 

 

 

 

Keeping The Stubble

I took a chance on love, but it shall not be.  Dating rule book is now back in effect.  Mr. Recently Separated flaked on our date tomorrow, and I doubt he was even going to tell me.

I’m a planner, I must know what I’m doing, when I’m doing it, and how I will be doing it… hmmmmmmmm what was I saying? ¬†Oh right, I was talking about the flakster. ¬†As I was saying, I’m a planner, so I sent Mr. RS a quick text to make sure we were still on for tomorrow evening. ¬†I needed to know¬†if shaving my legs still needed to be on my TO Do list for tonight. ¬†Anyway, a few minutes later I get a text that goes a little something like this:

“Oh Hi Mr. Smarty, I unfortunately have to cancel tomorrow, as I have to go to (fake city). ¬†My (fake) elderly aunt and uncle are moving to (another fake city), and they need my help moving. ¬†I still want to meet you (bullshit), so I hope this is ok?”

Interesting.…. how strange that his elderly aunt and uncle just decided, today, to move cities tomorrow. ¬†If I hadn’t messaged him, I would have wasted a perfectly good shave for nothing. ¬†What ever the case, no loss here.

Instead, I will be having beers with one of my bestie male co-workers. ¬†He’s a cutie, but much too young for me. ¬†Still, I can drink wine and admire his… eyes — I’m pretty sure they’re brown. ¬†Even better, I’m sure to have an interesting conversation, which I’m sure would not have been the case with RS.

Onwards and upwards — hairy legs and all.

 

A Smile A Day

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Makes anxiety go away? ¬†Well not really, but it does keep me from dwelling on it. ¬†That has been my strategy for the past couple weeks. ¬†Humour has always been my favorite coping mechansim because laughter is the only kind of medication I’m on now. ¬†Look at me all medication and fancy free.

I made the mistake of Googling to much when I started tappering¬†off my anxiety meds. ¬†I wanted to be prepared for what I was going to go through, so I read blogs and articles related to anxiety, discontinuation syndrome, and ADHD. ¬†What a death sentence that was. ¬†The more I read, the more I paid attention to every sensation and thought I was having. ¬†I was gluttonous — a true glutton for punishment.

Then early one morning, just as the sun was rising, I said to myself “Hey you; ya you, the one sitting there getting anxious about your anxiety, what the h*ll are you doing?” ¬†At first I wasn’t sure if I was talking to myself or not, but ¬†when I realize I was in fact talking to me, I listened up. ¬†Curious minds want to know if I started talking back, and the answer is “Obviously.” ¬†I’m a good conversationalist, and I really enjoy talking to myself. ¬†Just ask me, myself, or I; they will all tell you the same thing: That girl’s got good talk.

Now, this¬†little unmedicated chicky is walking around with a shit-eating grin on her face, and talking to herself in dark corners. ¬†This means only one thing: ¬†I’m managing my anxiety just fine without meds — I’m barely crazy at all. ¬†Seriously, I’m not crazy; I have some mood disorders, but so what. ¬†I’ve got my sense of humour, my dog, and a good pair of jeans — that’s all any girl could ask for.¬† OK, you got me, I also need wine, and every once in awhile an Ativan, but other than that….. oh, and chocolate, sometimes I need chocolate, but that’s it. ¬†MONEY, I totally forgot, I also need money. ¬†A sense of humour, my dog, a good pair of jeans, wine, Ativan, chocolate, and money: That’s all this girl needs in life. ¬†Besides my friends, family, and music. ¬†Other than that, I don’t need a thing in this world. ¬†Except my car and house.

Image result for Martini cheers emojiHere’s to living simply — Cheers!

“A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing.” – Laura Ingalls Wilder