My Life Transformed

Sadly, I have neglected my blog over the past couple of months with only random posts from time to time.  I started this blog over a year ago, and since that time, I’ve created some positive change in my life.  Slowly, I’ve crawled my way out of a very stagnant time in my life, and the rewards are starting to come to fruition.  My journey has been filled with anxiety, fear, heartache, and a lot of confusion, but I’m thankful I pushed myself on.  As my life is transforming, so will this blog.  In three days, I start a week long staycation.  During my time of work reprieve, I will be dedicating myself to reconnecting with the blogsphere and reshaping my blog.

Before I do, I want to share where I was and where I am now going.  Just over a year ago, I was living a life that seemed void of meaning.  I was a few years out of an abusive relationship, living in a home I had grown out of, and basically drinking myself out of boredom.  No, I was not an alcoholic, but my only source of pleasure was my end of the day couple of glasses of wine.  This was the beginning of my life change.  There was no lightbulb moment or epiphany, just a desire for more.  The problem was, I didn’t know what I needed or wanted — I just knew I wasn’t happy.  With that in mind, I came off my anxiety medication, sold my trailer, bought a condo, enrolled in online university courses, and started dating again.  Not all at once — it all happened over the course of about six months.

After moving into my condo, I had a melt down.  I wasn’t coping, and I wasn’t really any happier.  Feeling defeated, I went back on anxiety medication.  Shortly after, I met a man who seemed to be everything I had been waiting for.  I rushed in blindly because it felt good.  I was too blind to see the red flags that were waved right in front of my face, and it ended with confusion and heart ache.  At the same time, work pressured mounted, and I fell into a depression.  That was about the time my blog posts became less and less frequent.  Two months later, I end up where I am today.  This post, however, is not about what has changed — that is a TBC…..

I’ve hit a major turning point in my life, and this post is a good-bye to the past.  I’m now able to look back and see that everything that happen was necassary.  I would not have come to this point without experiencing pain.  PAIN = Growth.  There is a fire in my heart now, and I’m filled with a new sense of passion.  I’m excited to share my new self with all of my friends here, so stay tuned for a new story.

Ride of My Life

“It’s never too late to change your life for the better. You don’t have to take huge steps to change your life. Making even the smallest changes to your daily routine can make a big difference to your life.”

Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

 

Image result for A year of Change

What a ride 2016 has been.  If I look back over the year, I am amazed at how my life has changed.

At the beginning of 2012, me and my ex-boyfriend ended our relationship.  More accurately, I kicked his lying, cheating, abusive ass to the curb.  However, because I am a soft hearted woman, I allowed a friendship to linger for 3 more years.  Over the Christmas break last year, he broke the news to me that he was seeing someone.  It turns out that he had actually gotten someone pregnant, and so after one month of dating they were living together.  That was all it took for me to finally rid him of my life.  He took not only my self-esteem during our relationship, but also $40,000.  YES, good riddance.

At the beginning of January, I began my business program online through our local university.  It hasn’t been easy focusing on school work while working a full-time job.  Because I needed time for studying, I shut down my side fitness business.  12 years of personal training and fitness classes was enough.  I didn’t quit completely — I kept one class at the local YMCA, just to keep me in the loop.

At the beginning of summer, I made the decision to wean off a 10 year stint of anti-anxiety medication.  I was convinced that the medication wasn’t working anymore, and I was sure that my lack of sex-drive was a result of the medication.  The weaning process was really hard, but I think I’m through the worst of it.  Sex-drive is undetermined, as I haven’t found anyone I like enough to try it out on.  That is on my 2017 to-do list.

At the beginning of fall, I put my house up for sale.  It sold in a month, and I was on the hunt for a new home.  I’ve since moved into a small rental while I wait for the details of my new condo purchase to be finalized.  This brings me to today.  The person sitting in front of this computer screen is not the same person that rung in New Years 2016.  The girl who sits here today has stepped out of her hiding place.  She’s forced herself to face her fear of living.  She’s still afraid, but she’s learning to be ok with fear.  I’ve let too much of my life pass me by because I wanted to feel comfort.  I was comfortable with the shit in life because it was the shit I knew.  No more.

My only hope for 2017 is to not allow myself to dig a new hole.  I need to stay above ground and live my life.  Good or bad: it’s the only one I get.

This blog is another 2016 first, and I hope to continue writing for years to come.  Thank you to all those who take the time to read my posts.  More importantly, thank you for your kind comments.  So many of you are going through hard times in life, and this Christmas will be difficult for you.  You are all in my thoughts and prayers — I wish you all the best for 2017.

My House… in the middle of the park.

Image result for buying a house

I’m on the road to a new place to live!  The decision has been made, mortgage broker and real estate agents called: a new phase of life has taken it’s first breath.  It’s not going to be an easy transition, but I’m optimistic it will come to light.  I’m selling my trailer, and with any luck, buying a house.

Cons: Extremely difficult to sell trailers in my park.  Reason — the park won’t sign site leases, which means people have to have the cash to buy.  This narrows the buyer pool dramatically.

Pros: I have a great real estatge agent, and my broker is one of the best in town.  It will happen; I just don’t know how quickly.

This is the life change I’ve been looking for.  All it took was a little nudge from my baby brother, who was up visiting over the weekend.  He’s a real estate agent in a neighbouring city, and he gave me some ideas regarding my financing etc.  I needed an outsider’s viewpoint to help clear the muck holding me back from making this move.  I love my lil’ bro.

That’s my news for the day.  I’m excited, and I can’t wait to see what the broker say’s on Wednesday.  Happy Monday Friends.

 

 

Life is a Battlefield

Grayscale Photography of Woman Wearing 3 Fourth Sleeve Shirt While Holding a Pistol

“We are all fighting our own battles in life” — Smartgirl

Addiction is just another way of saying “there is something controlling me.”  I’ve been controlled by many things: food or lack of it, alcohol, drugs, sex, cigarettes, and last but not least Nicorette (nicotine gum).  I typically jump from crutch to crutch, but nicorette has by far been my longest standing addiction to date. Three weeks ago, I gave it up again.

I seem to be on a cleansing kick — quit my meds; quit my gum.  How Zen of me!!!

This isn’t my first time coming off the gum.  I’ve been on and off it since I quit smoking over 12 years ago.  If it didn’t cost so much money, I don’t think I would be trying to quit again.  I hate being off of it. Now that I’ve quit, I’m chewing between 2 to 3 packs of regular gum a day and I’m craving sweets.  NOT GOOD.  Anything that increases my appetite is an enemy of mine, but my gum chewing habit has to go —  I can’t afford the $60/week habit any longer.

I have always suffered from a constant feeling of needing something.  I have a hard time centering myself without some type of aid. Basically, my brain needs a constant; otherwise, I feel restless and unable to focus.  Meditation and calming exercises help, but only for the short-term: as long as I am doing them.  I’ve yet to find a job that allows for repeated meditation breaks.

My life feels like a constant battle of trying to not do things.  Don’t eat too much, don’t drink too much, stop smoking, stop chewing gum, stop spending too much money, stop worrying so much…. it gets tiring.  I’m tired today.

Image result for life is a battlefield quotes

 

Tomorrow is a new day, however, and I can only hope to feel more alert and less restless.  On a very positive note, my toes look amazing after my mom and my spa visit last night.   We had a 55 min swedish massage followed by a 55 min pedi — it was magnificent.

 

Fun or What?

  
Fun event day 2 – results

The process of making the granola was similar to that of making dinner.  Fun score: 5 out of 10.  However, the enjoyment of eating it for breakfast was definitely more fun: 8 out of 10. Giving the whole experience a grade of 65%. 

Not terrible, but I can do better.

Tonight’s event: Pedi with my ma. Sure to sore upwards in the 85-95% fun factor range.  

Fun Maker

Blonde Woman's Head Peeking Up from the Water from the Eyes Up

I’ve been spinning my wheels since I made the decision to switch up my anxiety meds, which led to the ultimate decision to quit taking them after 10 years of use.  I’ve had ups and downs, and I’m sure I still have a long recover road ahead of me.  Today, however, I’ve decided I’ve had enough.  I’m done talking about it, and I’m ready to move on with life.  To accomplish this, I must make it happen; therefore, this weeks project is THE FUN MAKER.

I need more fun in my life, so I’m setting a goal to do one (1) “NEW FUN” thing a day this week.  In order to make this a successful venture, I’ve set a few rules for myself.

Fun Making Rule Book

  1. Cannot be exercise related. (I work out twice a day as it is; therefore, exercise is a daily hobby and cannot be classified as “NEW FUN.”
  2.  Must not include alcohol.
  3. The television must be left off for the whole week.  (I usually end my day with a show or two, but this just makes me lazy.)
  4. No shopping allowed. (Too often I shop for entertainment when I’m bored.)
  5. No pre-planning. (each fun event must be decided on the day it occurs.  Exception: Wednesday evening my mom is treating me to a pedicure; this will count as my fun for the day)
  6. Be as spontaneous as possible.

Rules may not sound fun, but I know myself; I need rules to follow.

Today’s fun:  Swim in the river after my workout.

The plan is to go straight to the beach after a short workout at the gym.  No stops in between, as I might get side tracked and opt out of my fun time.  During my fun time, I promise myself to be mindful of the event, and I am not allowed to bring any worries or busy brain along for the ride.  I do not have a towel or swim suit with me, so I will have to swim in my workout shorts and then let the sun dry me off before I leave.

Monday Funday: River Swim — Pictures to follow.

Happy Monday Friends.

 

 

Winds of Change

“Change is imminent! We must enthusiastically embrace it, manage it, and craft it to our advantage.” -Steve Craft
nature, person, red

The air smells different when your life is about to change.  It’s a distinct, yet unrecognizable smell that tells you to keep your eyes open.  You might not know what’s going to change, but you know somethings coming.  The sweet aroma of change has drifted my direction, and I’m excitedly ready for it.

Life it good; I have a decent job, great friends, and a overwhelming sense of well-being, so why would I welcome a change?  Because change is what makes the world exciting, at least for me.  New stimulation ignites my creativity, and brightens my world.  Change keeps me on my toes allowing me to stay centered and balanced.  Change is what makes the world go round and round and round.

I haven’t always felt this way about life changes; in my younger years, I feared change.  Nothing aggrevated my anxiety like having to change my predictable life.  The inability to initiate change caused me years of confusion and depression.  I’m so grateful that I’ve experienced times of drastic change because I’ve learned, most times, change is good.

Although I don’t know what’s coming up ahead, I have been actively pushing Change’s buttons.  I’ve been watching and applying for new career opportunities, entertaining new friendships, renewing my living environment, creating new personal boundries, eliminating medication, and saying yes to more FUN activities.  Summed up — I’m LIVING life.  My small efforts to enrich my life are paying off; not in a materialistic way, in a spiritual way.  Someone commented on one of my posts that “this is my time”, and she is right.  This is my time, so I better keep my feet in the stirrups because I have a feeling it’s going to be a wild ride.

GIDDY UP!!!