Life is a Battlefield

Grayscale Photography of Woman Wearing 3 Fourth Sleeve Shirt While Holding a Pistol

“We are all fighting our own battles in life” — Smartgirl

Addiction is just another way of saying “there is something controlling me.”  I’ve been controlled by many things: food or lack of it, alcohol, drugs, sex, cigarettes, and last but not least Nicorette (nicotine gum).  I typically jump from crutch to crutch, but nicorette has by far been my longest standing addiction to date. Three weeks ago, I gave it up again.

I seem to be on a cleansing kick — quit my meds; quit my gum.  How Zen of me!!!

This isn’t my first time coming off the gum.  I’ve been on and off it since I quit smoking over 12 years ago.  If it didn’t cost so much money, I don’t think I would be trying to quit again.  I hate being off of it. Now that I’ve quit, I’m chewing between 2 to 3 packs of regular gum a day and I’m craving sweets.  NOT GOOD.  Anything that increases my appetite is an enemy of mine, but my gum chewing habit has to go —  I can’t afford the $60/week habit any longer.

I have always suffered from a constant feeling of needing something.  I have a hard time centering myself without some type of aid. Basically, my brain needs a constant; otherwise, I feel restless and unable to focus.  Meditation and calming exercises help, but only for the short-term: as long as I am doing them.  I’ve yet to find a job that allows for repeated meditation breaks.

My life feels like a constant battle of trying to not do things.  Don’t eat too much, don’t drink too much, stop smoking, stop chewing gum, stop spending too much money, stop worrying so much…. it gets tiring.  I’m tired today.

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Tomorrow is a new day, however, and I can only hope to feel more alert and less restless.  On a very positive note, my toes look amazing after my mom and my spa visit last night.   We had a 55 min swedish massage followed by a 55 min pedi — it was magnificent.

 

Keep On Keeping On

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What a year 2016 has been so far.  It’s been a year of change for me — Big scary emotionally charged changes.

  1. Return to university (part-time online) (Still in progress)
  2. End contact with emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend
  3. Close my side fitness (personal training) business
  4. Start a blog (Still in progress)
  5. Change anxiety medication
  6. Renovate bedroom
  7. Quit taking anxiety medication
  8. Attempt dates to find love (Still in progress)
  9. Quit my 8 year nicorette (nicotine gum) habit (3 weeks and counting)

My 42nd birthday is coming up in 2 weeks, and it’s just dawned on me that I might be going through a mid-life crisis.

” They say it’s your birthday
It’s my birthday too, yeah
They say it’s your birthday
We’re gonna have a good time
I’m glad it’s your birthday
Happy birthday to you” – The Beatles

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Check each and every one on this list.

If we look closely at my list of changes, It seems pretty clear that I’m on a mission to find love: sweet sweet love.  Check it…

#2 – End contact with ex (obviously this needed to be done to move forward).  There was no need to be holding on to a three year supposed friendship that did nothing but make me sad.  Sad and broke.

# 3 –  Close my business down.  Between a full-time job, my own fitness routine, and school, I left myself with little to no time to date.  Plus I was always tired, so dating always seemed like a chore.  I now teach one class at the YMCA, which is strictly volunteer.

#5 & 7 – My medication eliminated my sex-drive.  It’s hard to date when you have no sexual desire.  I also felt that the meds were not working the way they used to.  Depression set in, which was never really my issue before.  I’m still working through this but I’m on my way to learning to cope with life medication free.

#8 – No explanation needed.

Five out of nine changes made to find love, so what do I want for my birthday?

Cheesecake

Oh and I wouldn’t mind falling in love, or at least to find someone to start falling in love with.

There are three months left in the year 2016, and I have two things I need to focus on.

First — Finish this boring-ass course I’m doing (Management Information Systems) Seriously, this course sucks.Image result for boring course

 

 

Second – FIND THE ONE.

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The extreme emotions that went along with unmedicating myself have eased up, and I’m ready to move onward and upward.

“Wise men say… only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with ________________”  – Elvis Presley

Here’s hoping I can fill in the blank.  CHEERS!

 

Help ME!!!!!

I’ve changed my mind; I don’t want to do this… for the love of god will someone please give me a piece of nicorette!  What have I done; why am I even doing this to myself?

Yesterday it all seemed such a great idea: Transformation — quit chewing my nicorette gum.  WTF!  I hate this.  I can’t sit still, I’ve chewed a whole package of Colbalt 5 (peppermint gum sans nicotine).  I feel completely agitated, restless, irritable; I feel f*cking terrible.  My racing thoughts keep coming back to me jumping in my car, rushing to the drug store and buying a package of nicotine gum: orange flavour.

Besides putting me into the poor house, what’s the big deal.  It’s just gum.  It’s not like I’m addicted to crack cocaine or meth.  Although, by the way I’m acting, one would think I’m coming off something pretty heavy.  I’m somewhat committed to this stupid useless goal, but I’m not promising anything.  I’ve already come off all my anxiety meds, so this just seems extra cruel.

Alright, let’s talk about something else to get my mind off this gum thing.  Besides, even though I imagine this little post has you all on the edge of your seats, I’m sure I can come up with something a little more blog worthy.  Maybe we could talk about just how irritating people seem when you aren’t at your best.

Have you even noticed when you’re tired, or withdrawing, or PMSing, just how difficult interacting with others is? I know it’s me; not them, but right now, it sure feels like it’s actually them.  It is likely in my best interest to go straight home afterwork, shut all my curtains, lock the doors, turn of my phones, and sit in the corner to rock myself to some kind of peace.

OMG, writing is not helping.  I still want gum, and I want it bad.  I’m going to try walking the hallways, and then I’m going to find some innocent co-worker to unload all my issues on because I feel like it.

Sorry, I don’t know what I’ve written, and I’m in no mood to go back and proof read — so if you made it all the way until the end of this post, you’re a champ.  Thanks for reading my tangled messed up withdrawing ramble.  Stay tuned for more page turning rants over the next few days.

Sending my thoughts to all my blogger friends who are having a tough time today.

 

A Discontinued Mess

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Arggggg…. my head is complete mush today.  I`m spaced out, have brain zaps, can`t concentrate, feel restless and agitated, and (overshare) I can`t go to the bathroom.  Sounds wonderous doesn`t it!  This is my bodies reaction to tapering off anxiety meds, and today`s symptoms aren’t even that bad.

I`ve been on medication for Generalized Anxiety Disorder for over 10 years now.  I stopped taking them once before around 8 years ago — It was complete hell.  Back then, my doctor told me I could just stop taking my meds whenever I felt ready.  So. I did.  What followed was 3 months of vertigo, brain zapping, increased anxiety, depression, spaced out feelings, migraines, and fatigue.  By the time the discontinuation symptoms dissipated, I had put myself right back into some stressful life events and ended up going straight back on meds.  What a waste of time that was.

8 years later and I`m ready to try this again; only this time I`m prepared.  A couple of months ago, I went to my doctor looking for an alternative to the medication I`ve been on since 2008. Due to the lack of libido my meds gave me, I was feeling older than my 41 years.  I didn`t care that much about sex back when I was with my ex.  As a matter of fact, I was glad I didn`t want to have sex with him… (Squirrel) I’ve digressed… anyway, so I go to the doctor and he understands my dilemma and prescribes me some new meds to try.  For almost 2 months, I tried to adjust to them, but it didn`t work.  Mostly I felt high strung and my concentration was in the toilet.

Last Monday I tossed in the towel and stopped taking the new meds altogether.  During the trial of the new drugs, I was tapering off my old medication.  Tapering is supposed to eliminate or greatly reduce discontinuation syndrome.  I was down to half my dose by the time I decided to call it quits on the new stuff.  Being that I`d still like to get my sex drive back, I`m ready to try coming off meds completely, so I`ve now dropped to 1/4 dose.

 Results:     I feel like shit.

I can do this, I can do this… I can do this — maybe, I can do this.  Maybe now isn’t the time to quit chewing my nicorette?  NO I don’t smoke and haven’t in 12 years, but I’ve been chewing the gum on and off ever since I quit.  Smartygirl here thought “hey, let’s quit the gum at the same time as coming off meds”

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Do you think it’s possible to peel your own face off??? I need out of my skin… I need gum… I need wine — damn it… I can do this — no, I can’t… yes, maybe, I can.

 

 

 

I’m a Quitter

Everything is a blur today.  I woke up feeling ok; went for my run; showered and came to work.  Since 7:30am until right now (11:00am), everything feels wrong.  I feel wrong; the world feels wrong, and it’s all because I QUIT nicorette at 7:00pm last night.  I quit out of the blue, with no plan in place, and today I’m practically crawling out of my skin.

I began chewing nicorette gum after my second attempt to quit smoking, which was about 12 years ago.  It worked; I quit smoking.  Unfortunately, I have been on and off the nicorette gum ever since — mostly, on.  I quit for 10 months last year only to develop an extremely obsessive regular gum addiction.  I was chewing about 3 packs of regular gum a day which was killing my gums and teeth, so I went back to nicorette.

Last night I picked up a small package of nicorette on my way home, but I have yet to open it.  Everytime I thought of having a piece last night I stopped myself and said “do you really need a piece of gum?” I would take a deep breath, and I didn’t have one piece last night.  Nothing so far today; however, it is killing me.   I have wanted to beat this addiction for a long time, but it has a powerful hold on me.  It soothes my anxiety, or at least it seems to.  I want to quit, but I also don’t.    I’m tired of wasting thousands of dollars a year on this crazy addiction.  I worry for my teeth and my general health as well.  I’m scared though.  I feel valunerable and naked.  Regardless I will not let it win today – today I am done.

I’m not allowing myself to chew regular gum in it’s place because I have no desire to pick up that habit again.  But right now I feel really terrible.  There is a buzzing sound in my ears, and I’m totally spaced out.  Strangely my teeth hurt; I think I must be grinding them.  That is probably why my jaw and gums also ache.   I have the worse headache ever, and all I want is a piece of damn gum.  Every few minutes, without thought, I reach for my purse to grab a piece of gum.  The only thing I can do is keep breathing.  Deep slow breaths.  All I need to do is make it through today, and maybe tomorrow will be better.

Today’s mantras

I CAN DO THIS – I CAN DO THIS – I CAN DO THIS – I CAN DO THIS

Take a deep breathe – breathe – relax – breathe

The withdrawal maybe excruciating, but I will keep my thoughts positive.  I will visualize myself calm and addiction free.  I will think about the money saved, and picture my savings account getting bigger.  I will remember why I want to quit, and I will remember that I am strong – stronger than the addiction.

I can do this – I know I can.

 

 

Secret Addiction

Addiction is usually a word people associate with drugs, alcohol, or tobbaco.  There are also many cases of people suffering food, porn, internet, or TV addictions.  I on the other had have an addiction (or habit) that is fairly unuasual.  When I turned 27 years old, I gave up smoking.  I quit cold turkey, and I went three years without picking up a cigarette.  Just past my 30th birthday, I left my husband.  It was extremely traumatic for me, and my anxiety hit an all-time high.  I closet smoked for about a year before I decided to try and quit again.  The second time around wasn’t as easy for me.  I was still  going through a lot of emotional ups and downs because of my split up.  In an effort to completely rid myself of my nasty smoking habit, I bought my first box of nicorette.

I’m happy to say, I have been cigarette free for 11 years – my lungs feel amazing.  However, to give up one addiction for me, is to develop a new one.

Hello, my name is Kim, and I’m a nicorette addict.  I have been chewing on and off for 11 years now, and I don’t know how to stop.

 

Yes, it’s true –  I never imagined that anyone could become addicted to GUM.  At first I thought it was just the nicottene I was addicted to, but I think it has more to do with some kind of oral fixation.  If I stop chewing nicorette, I start chewing regular gum at an alarming rate.  I can chew up to 3 packs of 5 colbat blue (regular gum) a day.  I had given up nicorette last February, and I was pretty proud of myself for finally kicking the habit.  That was until my teeth and jaw started to ache because of the constant regular gum chewing.  I chew way more regular gum than I do  nicorette.  So in January, I went back to nicorette.

I’m completely torn, because nicorette is extremely expensive, but I don’t want to go back to chewing regular gum.  If I could control myself and only chew a few pieces a day that would be fine, but that’s not what happens.  With nicorette, I can put a piece in my mouth and leave it there for an hour. I can even go a few hours without needing another piece.  When I switch to regular gum, I need to chew constantly.  It’s maddening.

It’s embarrasing to admit this problem, but I know that being open with myself and others is the first step to finding a solution.  I’m wondering if anyone else out there has had this problem, and if so – HOW did you stop?

I realize there are much worse addiction to have, and if it wasn’t costing me over $30 a week, I probably wouldn’t worry about it.  BUT, I’m trying to budget right now, and this habit is not helping me save money.  Anyway, I’d love to hear thoughts from anyone who has experienced a GUM addiction, as there has to be a way of becoming gum free for life.