Soul Cry

For five years, I kept my heart under lock and key.  There was no way I was giving it up until I found what I was looking for.  I truly thought I had, but I was so very wrong.  My heart hurts so badly right now, I can barely breathe.  My red dry eyes burn from the river of tears that have flowed from them the last two days.  The beat of my heart is a thunderous boom in my head.  My muscles are wound so tight I’m afraid they are going to burst.  This is day two of my broken heart.

I feel foolish for feeling so hurt from a man I only dated for five weeks.  But I feel what I feel.  It has been so long since I’ve let my guard down, and I was happy.  He made me smile, and I enjoyed everything about him.  He told me he was falling hard for me, he made future plans with me, and I can still feel his touch when I close my eyes.  How could I have not seen this coming?  Yesterday out of the blue he told me he needed a moment to catch his breath.  I left him be, and this morning he sent another text (no phone call, just text).  He said I have made him question his readiness for a relationship.  He wonders if he isn’t fully over his last relationship, and that maybe he thinks about her too often.  My response: Nothing.

I’m not ready to respond.  I don’t know what to say to him.  One minute, I want to tell him it’s normal to question, the next I want to tell him to go fuck himself.  I want to yell at him for leading me on and allowing me to fall for him.  Thank him for being so careless with my heart.  But for now, I will say nothing.  He doesn’t deserve a response to a text message.  He didn’t respect me enough to call and talk to me about his feelings.

I’m so tired.  Exhaustion has taken over, but I know I will keep pushing myself.  I will push myself to the gym, and I will push myself to stay busy.  The pain will lessen, and I will survive.  Right now I hurt though.  Every single part of me is longing for him; my soul cries.   I miss him.

First Night of A Broken Heart

Five weeks.  That is how long it took me to fall for what I thought was the man of my dream.  One text message was all it took to break my heart.  

Friday he was in my bed — today he says he needs some time to put the last few weeks into perspective.   Monday he asked me to be his girlfriend, and he told me he was falling hard for me.  Today he needs a minute to catch his breath.  He wants to call me a in couple days.  

Maybe my anxiety changed his mind so quickly, or maybe he likes to be in control.  Whatever the case, he’s hurt me and the relationship. I’m not a toy.  You can’t put me aside for a couple days to decide if you want to keep playing with me.  You told me you knew what you wanted and that you were emotionally available for me.  You lied.  

Tears have fallen, and I’ve spent the day reliving all our conversations to try and figure out what I did wrong.  I’m exhausted and broken. I should not have let my guard down. I should not have let you in.  I need to sleep now. 

It Ain’t No Big Thing

“I went to a party last Saturday night, I didn’t get laid, I got in a fight ah ha… it ain’t no big thing…

But I know what I like.  I know I like dancing with you…. Ohhhh…. kiss me once.  Kiss me twice…. Come on pretty baby kiss me deadly.” – Lita Ford

This song has been playing non-stop in my head for two days straight.  Over and over — I sing along with Ms. Ford not even realizing it.  OK, I realized it, but I didn’t put any thought into it.  But let’s think about it.  Let’s ask the questions: Why?  Why, at any given time, do I have a song playing repeatedly in my head.   Hmmmmmmm.   Well maybe I play songs in my mind to drown out the noise of my thoughts.  Just a thought — I’m no shrink or anything.  But it make sense that I try to cover up my overly obnoxious anxious thoughts with 80s rock.  I’m anxious all the time, and it seems my new meds are not helping as much as I’d hoped for.  At least they don’t seem to be.  I’m not eating, and I’m stressed that I will somehow ruin things with the guy I’m seeing; It’s driving me crazy.  I know that my insecurities will be the cause of a break up if I can’t get my anxiety levels in check.

I fucking hate feeling like this, and I’m tired of going through life feeling sick to my stomach.  Yesterday I wrote about how happy I am.  I am happy.  But only when I’m sure things are ok with the new man.  If any doubt creeps in, I freak out and worry myself over nothing.  I mentioned yesterday that I couldn’t write because of my anxieties over this new relationship.  I had a comment from a reader telling me to just write what was in my head.  At first, I thought “well no kidding.”  I’d love to write about my thoughts, but that was the problem.  I couldn’t hear my thoughts.  Thanks Lita — Thanks a bunch.  Today, however, I’ve pressed the pause button and let myself hear. The voice in my head is a bit sneaky, but I figured her out.  SOOOOO

You want to know what is going on in my brain right now?  Let me tell you.  I am thinking about how much it will hurt me when RST (the man) breaks the news that we are over or that he is leaving.  I have extreme fear of abandonment.  I’m scared to love people because I can’t help but believe they will leave me.  I’m afraid of making a mistake or doing something wrong.  Where does this come from?  I can only assume it comes from having my dad leave when I was a little girl.  I remember the last time my dad lived in our family home.  I was about seven years old, and we lived in a town called Aldergrove, BC.  My memories are a bit scattered, but I remember seeing my dad at the top of the stairs playing a set of drums.  The next thing I remember is him yelling at my mom to get us (kids) out of the house because we were being too loud and he couldn’t practice.  My dad was always changing jobs and following his next dream.  His dream at the time was to start up a country band and become some big famous country star.  My dad had a vicious temper.  When he yelled at us, the neighbourhood could hear him, and a spanking was more like a beating to the behind.

I can still feel the heat in my face and the tingling sensation I felt through my body that day.  I know now that I was experiencing an anxiety attack.  I had them a lot, but I didn’t understand back then what they were.  I would get them anytime I did something wrong, or I should say, thought I did something wrong.   I was always afraid of messing up.

That day, my mom piled me and my younger siblings in the car, and she drove us to a local man-made lake.  It was a hot day, and she was crying.  I don’t remember our time at the lake, but I remember coming home to find out my dad had left us.  He left us, and it was my fault.  I wasn’t good enough.  He didn’t love me enough, so it was my fault my mom was hurting so bad.

My mom, of course, did not blame me.  But as a kid, you see things through different eyes.  My dad never accepted me.  I was always too fat, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not talented enough… and if he was sad because he missed us – he blamed us.  I don’t have anything to do with him now, but that doesn’t change the damage he caused.  It’s hard to fix childhood trauma.  I don’t hate or even blame my family for who I am.  I accept it, and I do everything I can to be the best me.  That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t wish things had been different.  That I had been born to a father who loved me unconditionally.  But I wasn’t and there’s nothing I can do to change that. Them’s the breaks.  This is my life, and all I can do is play the cards I’ve been dealt.  I’m doing my best to let go in this relationship.  I am who I am, and all I can do is hope for the best.

So there it is.  The hidden message behind the music.  Maybe now that I’ve let it be heard, I can let it go.  And unlike Lita — I hope to get laid both Friday and Saturday night — cause I know what I like.

Like a Record Baby

There has been very little writing happening from me lately, and not from a lack of trying.  Daily, I sit staring at the blank screen willing words to appear.  Some days, I write a couple of paragraphs, but hate what I’ve written and trash the post.  Other days, the blank screen stares back at me with judgement.  It’s beyond frustrating because I love to write.  There’s nothing better than finishing a post and hitting the publish button at the top of the screen.  Pure delight.  The problem, as usual, is my anxiety.

My anxiety shows itself in many different forms.  Sometimes it is excess worry over work or money.  Most times, I’m anxious without real reason.  Currently, I’m anxious about a new relationship.  The anxiety I’m experiencing right now is the most difficult to deal with, as it is mixed with happiness.  Yes, I know that sounds contradictory, but it is possible to be anxious and happy at the same time.  It’s confusing, but it’s possible.  I can go from elation to full panic attack at the drop of a hat.  Little things come up in this new relationship that send me into an anxious wreck.  Yet as soon as I talk it out with my new partner, I’m fine.  I’ve never in my life shared such a connection with a man.  He doesn’t get upset at me when I tell him my feelings.  He listens and finds ways to understand me.  Every day I’m falling harder and harder for him.

 

Image result for you spin me right round

 

So herein lies the problem.  Instead of ruminating about money or work, I have obsessive repetitious thoughts about a man.  Thoughts not appropriate for my blog posts.  Therefore, I have nothing to write about.  There has been very little else going on in my brain.  Time will settle my anxiousness, and I will once again be a “normal” girl.  Normal, of course, is relative.  Until then, my posts will be sparce and, more than likely, about him.  But only the non-X-rated things.  Those I am keeping for myself.

 

Fast Car

Falling in love is like getting behind the wheel of a fast car, blind folder, and punching the gas pedal to the floor — it’s a rush for sure.  One that I haven’t felt in so long, and now that it’s happening I can’t stop my head from spinning.  My world changed and all it took was a swipe to the right.

It’s been a little over a month since I met my guy; let’s call him RST.  I met him shortly after deciding to go back on my anxiety medication.  It’s unlikely there is a correlation between the two events, but it’s possible the medication made it possible for me to go on a second date.  Prior to meeting RST, I had been suffering pretty bad from my anxiety.  Depression was looming, and I was self-medicating with wine on a nightly basis.  It was desperation that made me pick up the phone and dial my doctor’s office.  Nine months after coming of my anxiety meds, and I was throwing in the towel.  I wasn’t coping off the meds, so I sucked up my pride and asked for help.

That was seven weeks ago, and I’m at a much better place today then I was back then.  I had a visit with my doctor on Tuesday to discuss my progress, and he said my mood is like night and day.  Major improvement — yeah me.  This doesn’t mean I’m anxiety free; I should be so lucky.  NOPE.  I still have anxiety, and the new relationship is part to blame.  It’s a great relationship, don’t get me wrong.  He is an amazing man, and I haven’t seen one red flag to date.  That’s the problem.  I’m falling and falling hard.  It’s scary as hell, but I’m doing it.  I’m letting go and taking the risk.  My heart has found it’s match, and I have never in my life known this more surely than I do with him.  If I’m wrong and I end up with a broken heart, so be it.

Finding the words to express myself lately has been a challenge.  I’m sure once my head comes down from the clouds, I will be able to think a little more clearly.  Until then, I will do my best to make blog appearances from time to time.

 

Change

Image result for Life's changing roads

 

Something happens to a person’s ability to think when they are in the throws of lust.  I, for one, experience concentration disturbances, and obsessive thoughts of the person I’m in lust with.  A new relationship is filled with excitement, anxiety, and most of all sleep deprivation.  It’s a miracle I’ve been able to do my job this past week.

The new man in my life works on the road Monday to Friday, but he came back early this week due to an air leak in his truck.  This means I will be hanging out with him tonight (a work night).  If I had not known he’d be home tonight, I’m sure today would have gone by as usual.  He, however, informed me of his early arrival last night, so today has been a tortuous waiting game.  After work, I have a fitness class to teach, and then it’s home to shower and prepare dinner.   I’ve invited him over for dinner and [Insert any dirty thought you’d like]

I seriously feel like I’ve won some kind of romantic lottery.   I must be in shock because life feels surreal.  A month ago, the most significant thing in my life was dealing with my anxiety disorder (as usual).  Today, I’m consumed by unfamiliar emotions that I wouldn’t trade for anything.  My life is about to take a new turn, and I can’t wait to see where this road goes.

Life is funny.  I had all but given up on love; I figured it wasn’t meant to be… and then there was HE.

 

 

Let Me Tell You A Story…

Midsection of Woman Holding Coffee Cup on Table

When I was a little girl, I dreamt of falling in love.  The fairytale kind filled with romance and butterflies.  At the age of 21, I was married to a nice man, but not the right man.  After the marriage ended, I had a string of terrible relationships that left me hurt and guarded.  My last relationship ended almost five years ago, and I’ve kept my heart under lock and key ever since.  That is until now.

A little over three weeks ago, I had what I thought would be another insignificant Tinder coffee date.  My hope for meeting “the one” has slowly dwindled these past five years, so I wasn’t expecting much from this meet up.  We met on a Sunday morning at my regular cafe.  He was sitting on the patio when I arrived, but I wasn’t sure he recognized me.  Just when I was going to walk by and go in, he stood up and said “hello”.  That voice!  Being as discreet as I could, I eyed him up as we walked to the counter to order our coffee.  Attractive, good shape, tattoo on one arm, dressed well, tall, dark, and handsome.  OH and great smile.

That morning we had coffee for two hours.  I didn’t want to leave him, but I was starving. When I told him I had to leave because I needed to eat lunch, he asked if I was going out somewhere for lunch.  I said I was, and I asked him if he wanted to join me.  “Yes”  He did.  I enjoyed spending time with him, but It was to early to determine what I thought of him as a potential partner.  He is a truck driver and out of town Monday to Friday, but he asked me if I’d be interested in having dinner with him next Saturday.  Plans were made, and we parted ways.

The following weekend, we had our dinner together.  We had some drink and laughs; he was easy to be with.  We made plans to go for a hike the following day.  He was a complete gentleman.  He had made no attempts to kiss me the first two weekends we spent together.  Our next weeked together involved dinner again on Saturday, and he came back to my place to play guitar and have drinks.  I let him sleep on the couch because he had been drinking… still he did not try to kiss me.  That Sunday we took a drive to a neighbouring town (2 hours away) to go shopping.   When he opened to door to the mall for me, he put his other hand on the small of my back to guide me in.  MY HEART FLUTTERED.  As we wandered from store to store, he would touch my low back, or hip just enough to show his interest.  When we returned to town, I invited him for dinner….

While I was preparing the meal, my anxiety decided to act up.  The music was too loud, he was talking, food was cooking — I could feel the panic rise in my chest.  When I asked him to lower the volume, he did right away, and I had to tell him about my anxiety.  He was caring and understanding.  When dinner was ready, we ate and then he stood up and walked over to my chair.  He leaned over me, and then….. he kissed me.  I have never in my life been kissed like that.  Firm but gentle, slow but eager… it still sends shivers down my spine when I think of it.

He left the next day for another week on the road, which then brings us to this past weekend.  There was no denying the physical attraction we had for each other.  We had so much fun together this weekend, and yes — we took it to the next level.  It was more than amazing.  He left on Monday, and since he left, I’ve been super anxious about my growing feelings for him.  If he didn’t text or call, I was worried he wasn’t feeling the same as I was… yesterday was bad, but I worked my way through my anxiety.  Then, at 8:35pm, he called.  He had been out of cell service all day, but he said he had been thinking of me non-stop.  He told me he really liked me, and it made him happy how much he liked me.  I admitted my fears, and he told me I had no reason to fear this — I believe him.  I feel so connected to him even though it’s only been a few weeks.   Time will tell if this is the one I’ve been waiting for.  For reasons I can’t explain, however, I believe he is.

I’m happy, and for the first time in a very long time, I’m excited about the future.  I’m not niave; I know love takes time.  I’m falling, however.  Falling for the most honest, beautiful man I’ve ever met.  This is the beginning of a new story — a love story.