Too Old To Be an ASS

Have you ever had the urge to be BADDDDD?  Bad, baddedad dad, bad, bad?  Not criminal like bad; nothing that drastic.  I’m thinking more like badass bad. BAD ASS!  When you feel like saying to yourself “Fuck IT — LET’S HAVE SOME FUN!”  If you answered yes, we’ve got something in common.  I used to be a bad ass.  Or at least I like to think I was. Back in the day when I was young and stupid.   Boy, what I wouldn’t give to be young and carefree for a day or a weekend.  I’d be so badass, people be like “Wow, she’s one badass motha f’er.”  Check me out — I’m a gangster!

I have a badass fantasy.  Well, OK, I have lots of badass fantasies, but the one I’m thinking about right now involves ditching work early, grabbing a couple bottles of wine and a pack of cigarettes (I don’t smoke), and driving myself somewhere fun: Whistler, maybe!?!  I’d be footloose and fancy free.

Of course, I won’t do this because I’m old enough to know better.  My boss would have a shit fit if I took off 3 hours early. Drinking two bottles of wine translates into a massive hangover, and one puff off a cigarette would send me into an uncontrollable hack attack. (Smoking only seems like a good idea when I’m drunk)   I’m too damn old for caution to the wind behaviour, but it doesn’t mean I don’t think about it.

Every once in a blue moon, I get amnesia.  It’s like I totally forget I’m 42 years old.  I let loose, hit the town, and live it up.  GET THIS PARTY STARTED BABY. Cause it’s my Birthday; we gonna party like it’s my birthday — The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire… we don’t need no water let the mother fucker burn burn.  Whoot Whoot!!!! Mr. Smarty’s in the houze. (Hiccup)

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This does NOT happen often, but when it does:  I wake up the next day and think “WTF Bitch?”

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I pay… OH yes; I pay.  I haven’t grown up and become responsible because I’ve mature… no-sir-ree bob.  I’ve grown up and become responsible because it hurts too much not to be.  It hurts to be bad.  It blows my mind what I used to be able to put my body through.  The shit and abuse it would take with not much more than a wimper.  Sadly, those days are gone.  The more responsible me typically keeps it to 2 glasses of wine at home, in my PJs, cuddling with my dog.  WHOLLY HELL I’m getting old.

Well my lovelies — this is my Friday, so I wish you all a great weekend.  If you share the same continent as I, LEST WE FORGET!

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Splurges and Urges

Another day older and deeper in debt… day, year — whatever you want to call it.  I’m officially 42 years young as of 8:49 a.m. this morning.  All I want for my birthday is to receive an offer on my trailer for full asking price.  Too much to ask?  Na; think big or go home I say.

I’m into spoiling myself a bit today.  This morning, I stopped for a latte and pumpkin spiced bread pudding muffin.  Major calorie splurge, but I’m worth it.  Tonight, I have dinner plans with a group of friends, and I’m planning on having a glass (or 2) of wine.  I haven’t had a glass all week — yeah me.

It’s true what they say about growing wiser; life teaches you lessons.   I admit that for me, some lessons need to be learned over and over.  However, I have learned what’s important:

  1. Time goes fast, so don’t waste it.
  2. The most important things in life are free: friends, family, and my dog.
  3. My career does not define me as a person.
  4. I will never know it all, so always seek knowledge.
  5. I will never understand men.
  6. When I allow it to happen, people surprise me in the most beautiful ways.
  7. It’s OK to ask for help.
  8. Nobody’s perfect, so love yourself just the way you are.
  9. Life is unpredictable, so stay flexible.
  10. Every day is a gift, and it’s ok to feel sad, happy, angry, blah, excited … it’s ok to feel  what ever I feel.

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It’s been a year of personal growth and recovery, and I’m thankful I’ve had all of you cheering me on.  This year I have accomplished the following: started part-time university studies online, detached from an abusive ex, reno’d my bedroom, discontinued taking anti-anxiety meds, quit chewing nicorette, put my house up for sale, and I started writing this blog.  All-in-all, a pretty productive year.  Now to sell my trailer, buy a house, and find a lover… 3 months left of 2016; I think I can make it happen.

Happy Friday my blog friends; I hope you enjoy the weekend.

Keep On Keeping On

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What a year 2016 has been so far.  It’s been a year of change for me — Big scary emotionally charged changes.

  1. Return to university (part-time online) (Still in progress)
  2. End contact with emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend
  3. Close my side fitness (personal training) business
  4. Start a blog (Still in progress)
  5. Change anxiety medication
  6. Renovate bedroom
  7. Quit taking anxiety medication
  8. Attempt dates to find love (Still in progress)
  9. Quit my 8 year nicorette (nicotine gum) habit (3 weeks and counting)

My 42nd birthday is coming up in 2 weeks, and it’s just dawned on me that I might be going through a mid-life crisis.

” They say it’s your birthday
It’s my birthday too, yeah
They say it’s your birthday
We’re gonna have a good time
I’m glad it’s your birthday
Happy birthday to you” – The Beatles

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Check each and every one on this list.

If we look closely at my list of changes, It seems pretty clear that I’m on a mission to find love: sweet sweet love.  Check it…

#2 – End contact with ex (obviously this needed to be done to move forward).  There was no need to be holding on to a three year supposed friendship that did nothing but make me sad.  Sad and broke.

# 3 –  Close my business down.  Between a full-time job, my own fitness routine, and school, I left myself with little to no time to date.  Plus I was always tired, so dating always seemed like a chore.  I now teach one class at the YMCA, which is strictly volunteer.

#5 & 7 – My medication eliminated my sex-drive.  It’s hard to date when you have no sexual desire.  I also felt that the meds were not working the way they used to.  Depression set in, which was never really my issue before.  I’m still working through this but I’m on my way to learning to cope with life medication free.

#8 – No explanation needed.

Five out of nine changes made to find love, so what do I want for my birthday?

Cheesecake

Oh and I wouldn’t mind falling in love, or at least to find someone to start falling in love with.

There are three months left in the year 2016, and I have two things I need to focus on.

First — Finish this boring-ass course I’m doing (Management Information Systems) Seriously, this course sucks.Image result for boring course

 

 

Second – FIND THE ONE.

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The extreme emotions that went along with unmedicating myself have eased up, and I’m ready to move onward and upward.

“Wise men say… only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with ________________”  – Elvis Presley

Here’s hoping I can fill in the blank.  CHEERS!

 

A Moment of Gratitude

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It’s so easy to get wrapped up in all that is wrong or missing in our lives.  I, for one, catch myself focusing on everything I want but don’t have: a love interest, a new car, a better paying job, a healthy mind, etc. etc. etc.  Every once in awhile, however,  I remember to be thankful for all the things I do have in life.

My mom has booked a pedicure for the both of us this afternoon.  I’m heading there right after work, and I’m really looking foward to it.  The pedicure, I’m sure, will be lovely, but that’s not what I’m excited for.  It’s time spent with my mother that I look forward to.  With each passing year, I’m reminded that my days with her are growing fewer and fewer.  She is 62, and although that’s not old, time goes by too quickly.  It seems like only yesterday that we were celebrating my 30th and her 50th birthday.  12 years have flown by before my eyes, and before I know it, another 12 will be gone.

We don’t know when our time here on earth will end.  There will be a day when I can’t pick up the phone to call my mom.  This makes me sad, but it also reminds me to appreciate every minute I get to spend time with her.  I will remember to tell her how much she means to me, as we soak our feet side by side.  I am so grateful to have the love of a pretty special woman, who I get the privilege of calling mom.

What is Crazy?

 

Searching for romance at 40+ years old is like searching for a needle in a needle stack.  There are way more variables to consider when trying to find a later in life mate.  Besides the physical attraction, there needs to be an intellectual connection and a willingness to accept someone else’s baggage.  I’ve also noticed that career choices can be a factor in aged dating.  Some people are still chasing their careers, which means a potential relocation.  For someone like me, who is content with her location, moving would require a lot of convincing.

Now let’s mix in some mental health issues, and what do you get? Dating impossible.  Younger men don’t seem to mind a little crazy, in fact, I think they like it.  Older men, however, seem to view mental health as a serious character flaw.

“Ah she’s a crazy bitch,”  is what their thinking.  Am I crazy?  I guess you’d need to define crazy for me, so that I could answer that correctly.  If crazy means, do I struggle emotionally on a regular basis?  Then the answer is yes.  If it means, do I have to put an effort into the way I think and process information.  Then the answer is yes.  Does it mean I’m I afraid to be myself around others because I’m scared they will think I’m crazy?  Then again, the answer is yes.

But here’s the thing, my internal struggles make me a much more empathetic, caring, loving, supportive, genuine, strong, and kind person.  My crazy has forced me to work at being a better me, and it has taught me to be more tolerant of other peoples struggles.  The type of crazy I am makes me a special person who deserves love just as much as the “Non-crazies”.  If you ask me, anyone who thinks they don’t have some type of crazy in them, is the craziest of them all.

I know mental health carries a stigma with it, and I don’t see an end to it.  Those who don’t suffer with mental health issues can’t possible understand what it is like.  I can’t give someone my mind for a day, so they can learn to understand.  Explaining it to people usually causes me more frustration because most non-crazies think they have the answer that will solve my problem.

These are some of my favorite words of widsom:

  • Ah, you should just learn to relax.
  • You don’t need to worry about something that hasn’t happened yet.
  • The answer is YOGA.
  • You probably just don’t drink enough water.
  • Maybe you should find a job that isn’t so stressful
  • When I get anxious, I like to just go for a drive to clear my head.  You should try that.

I do appreciate these well meaning advice givers.  It’s not their fault they have no idea what they are talking about.  So I forgive you for not understanding, if you forgive me for having mental health issues.

And to all the men who pass up a girl with MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, I say “You’re missing out.”  We are not the drama queens you are so afraid of… nope, those girls are standing over in the corner pretending to have all their shit together.

 

 

 

Flirting 101

Something terrible has happened to me.  I don’t know when, how or why, but the unthinkable, most unimaginable, tragedy has transpired.  I don’t even know if I should write this out loud, but here goes:  I’ve lost my ability to flirt.  There I said it; it’s out in the open… I can breathe a sign of defeat.

All I can think right now is, WHY ME?  Me, the girl who could turn on the charm at the drop of a dime, has lost her mojo.  I blame it on age.  I watch other girls successfully flirt their way into some really great guys affection, but I just don’t have it anymore.  The batting of the eyelashes and coy smiles — seriously, I just can’t.  I know; guys like that kind of thing, but I don’t have it in me.  Besides, it’s not that cute coming from a 40 something white girl.

I have no problem letting a guy know I think he’s sexy; I be like “how you doing sexy thing?” Of course, I only do that with guys I know, who are already taken and know I’m only playing.  Out in the real world with real single men, I’m a lost cause.   I am doomed to a life of singleness because I can’t bring myself to turn it on.  Even if I wanted to, I doubt I could pull it off without looking like a fish out of water.  I’d probably get an eyelash in my eye, trip over my own feet and break a tooth.  It’s dangerous out here in the dating world.

If I break it right down, I think my biggest issue is I find dating too much work.  It’s exhausting, and I’m not sure the effort is worth the reward.  All I want is a tall, dark, handsome man, to walk up to me and say, “Let’s skip the crap and get it on.” Of course, I want dinner first.  A girls gotta eat.

 

 

 

Thou Shalt Not Plan

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My TV is rarely on, but when it is, I’m either watching Triple D or Criminal Minds.  I’ve seen every episode of Criminal Minds at least 5 or 6 times; possibly more, I don’t keep track.  The shows about a group of FBI agents that make up the BAU (Behaviour Analysis Unit).  The BAU is task with hunting down serial killers using, you guessed it, behaviour analysis.  A little dark, yes, but that’s me: a little dark on the inside.

In every episode a thoughtful quote is narrated by one of the shows characters.  It’s either thrown right after the beginning scene, or just after a dramatic ending along with a deep lyrically moving song.  The quote from last nights show inspired this writing today.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

Now those are words to live by, and words I’ve had to re-learn a time or two.  I don’t find letting go easy, actually I find it excruciatingly difficult.  The hardest decision so far in my life was leaving my marriage.   I felt like a failure, and it took me many years to let go of the guilt that decision had on me.

You see, I thought marriage was the answer to life.  Growing up, my only role model was my single mom who received no child support and who’s parents died when I was only three.  She worked several minimum wage jobs just to put a roof over our heads and food on the table.  Her life goal? Find a man to marry who would take care of us.  I can’t say I blame her.   She had no one to turn too, and I can’t imagine how hard it was for her.  Needless to say, that became my focus on life.  My plan was to get married, get a job, and buy a house.  And guess what?    I did.

I married at 23, studied accounting and found an average job, and then my husband and I bought a house.  It was perfect, everything I had dreamt of.  Then, one day, I woke up and thought “Now what?”   I had it all, everything on my life list was ticked off, so why was I feeling empty.  Why was I so sad all of the time?  In the end, I blamed my marriage. How was I to know it was so much more than that.   If I knew then what I know now would I have stayed?  No, I don’t think so.  But, I would have known it wasn’t a man that was making me unhappy; it was that I hadn’t learned what I wanted in life.

It took another failed relationship for me to finally clue into the truth. I, DIDN”T KNOW WHO I WAS.   I didn’t know what inspired me or what made me tick.  My life experience had revolved around pure survival.  All I knew of the world was work and marriage.  I thought I needed a steady job and a man.  “Need” is now no longer in my vocabulary, and although I may not have all the answers to life, I do know one thing: You need to experience as much as you can in life to figure out what your life is meant to be.  There is no end game, it’s all about trying new things and seeing where they take you.  A man (or partner) is meant to be a companion; not a goal.

I don’t have everything I think I want in life right now, but that’s a good thing.  All I can do is live, learn, and experience.

“We think that accomplishing things will complete us, when it is experiencing life that will.” – Mark Nepo