Once upon a time, I was a little girl who liked to live inside her own imagination. I created safe places where everyone loved and adored me, because I was beautiful and smart. At an early age, I dreamt of a white knight riding into town on his black stallion whisking me away to make me his bride. OK it wasn’t a white knight; it was David Hasselhoff from Knight Rider, and it wasn’t a horse; it was KITT. SEMANTICS
Seriously though, I was madly in love with the HOFF, and I was convinced he loved me back. When he looked straight into the camera and our eyes met, my heart would pitter patter, pitter patter. I didn’t just play in this fantasy world; I lived in it. This was a place where anxiety did not exist, and where I could be anything I wanted to be. There was nothing to fear, and no one could hurt me there. I was not the shy, poor, chubby girl that the other kids made fun of — no way. I was the girl that everyone would envy once Dave and I made our love public. Them school yard bitches was gonna be sorry they ever messed with me… And the boys, oh the boys; the Hoff would make sure they knew what they were missing out on.
The HOFF was my protector; he nurtured me and made me feel safe. This was the one and only time in my life when I was completely delusional. Fully “NUTS” You wouldn’t have been able to convince me that our love wasn’t real. I was a seven year old girl, engaged to a grown man, and I didn’t think there was anything weird about that at all.
Luckily, this little fantasy was just an attempt to fill the unmet needs of a child. My brains way of dealing with abandonment, criticism, lack of attention, and parental alcoholism. For had it been real — two words say it all: “BAY” “WATCH”
This little trip down memory lane has got me all nostalgic. I’m suddenly in the mood for a pick-a-pop ice cream float, a game of wack-a-mole, some cotton candy, and maybe an episode of the Dukes of Hazzard.
Just’a good ol’ boys
Never meanin’ no harm.
Beats all you never saw
Been in trouble with the law
Since the day they was born
My inner child is wanting to play. She wants to climb trees and run barefoot throught the long damp grass. She wants to eat apples from the tree, and catch butterflies till dusk . She wants to stay outside playing until the street lights come on, and then lay under the dark sky to watch for a shooting star. She standing at the front door waiting for me to say
“Alright GIRL — Go play and BE FREE!!!!.”
This post was inspired by an exercise I did last night. I was asked to write a letter to my inner child to let her know that I was here and she was safe. The exercise is to better connect myself to my inner child which will heal old wounds, increase my self-esteem, spark my creativity, and weaken my anxiety disorder. I did some crying, I did some laughing, and now I will do some playing.