Once Upon A Time, So Very Long Ago

About this time ever year, I get a little sentimental and reflective.  August 22, would have marked my 19th wedding anniversary, if I had remained married.  I was married in 1998, and divorced August 20th, 2008.  Two days shy of 10 years.  Divorce doesn’t happen the minute you separate from someone in Canada.  We have to wait a minimum of one year before we are allowed to file.  My separation took place two years before the divorce, so in actual fact, my marriage ended 11 years ago.

For many years after the end of my marriage, I would feel sadness during the “would-be” anniversary date.  Time has happened, however, and so have my feelings.  I no longer miss my ex-husband or the life we had.  New holiday traditions have formed, lovers have come and gone, and I am not the same person I was back then.  Unlike many people, my marriage did not end on a bitter or hateful note.  My ex-husband was not an asshole; he didn’t cheat, he treated me ok, and I cared for him deeply.  Sometimes, things just aren’t meant to be forever.  We were young when we married, and we were not equipped to handle the difficult childhoods we had come from.  We needed eachother for a time, and we (or at least I) learned from the experience.

I still thing back, however, on our anniversary.  The memories I used to cry over have faded, but I’m reminded of where I was in life at the time.  The struggles I had then, and the struggles I still had to face.  Years have passed, and I’ve made mistakes, failed, and picked myself back up many times.  I don’t have any illusions that I have completely figured out my life, but I do feel wiser and more settled.  I’m now in my 40s, and I feel a certain peace with myself.  I’ve grown to love myself, and I allow myself to feel proud of who I am.  I’ve learned to accept and forgive myself, and I’m generally happy with where I am in life.

It’s hard to believe it’s been 19 years since I walked down the isle.  So long ago, when I naively believed I had all the answer.  Life goes by in the blink of an eye, and it’s not until we are older do we start to appreciate our days.  Probably because we know how few days we have left.  Aging is bittersweet.

 

On a Love Train – Destination Unknown

Image result for Lovers on a train track

 

Tomorrow marks the one month meeting of the new man in my life.  I’ve yet to talk about him; mainly because I’m not sure where I’m at or how I feel about him.   This has been an unusual year for me love wise.  Not that I’ve found love, but I was getting pretty close a few months ago, or so I thought.  For the first time in five years, I had met someone I really like, and I was sure it was going to go somewhere.  I dove in head first — big mistake.  This time is different.

In respect to his privacy, I will call him JOE.  Joe and I have friends in common, and they apparently tried to set us up last year.  I don’t think they tried that hard, but I do remember them mentioning his name.  At around the same time, I was talking with a man on POF… it turns out it was Joe.  Nothing came of our chats back then.  More recently, he popped up again on POF, and we made plans to meet.  Which again did not happen.  This is a common occurance on dating sites.  You chat for a bit and then it fades unless a definite date plan is made.  A month ago, Joe reappeared.  He was at our mutual friends house, and somehow they pieced together that we were the ones they were trying to set up.

He messaged me, and we made plans to meet.  The first couple of meetings were quick mid-day drinks.  He was nice, but I wasn’t sure what I thought of him.  However, we continued to make plans to meet up, and it eventually led to an intimate relationship.  Physically we connect very well.  We get along, and I do enjoy his company.  BUT…. there is a “But”.  I’m having trouble connecting to him mentally.  He is very introverted, and he doesn’t show his interest in a way I can feel.  Does that make any sense?  He has told me he likes me, but I don’t feel it.  I believe him; I just don’t feel him.  He has to be told to text or phone me, and I have to pry his thoughts from him.

As much as I understand our differences, I still have this unnerving feeling he isn’t interested.  I know he is, but I don’t feel he is.  My brain and my heart are not inline with this one.  I really do like him, and I want to give it a go.  My concern is my needs will not be met in the end.  I am an extrovert.  I have introverted tendencies, but I’m still an extrovert.  I get energy from talking and being around others.  I wish I were more introverted, but I can’t change who I am.  My feelings for him are growing stronger daily, and it scares me.  One month is not a long time, so now is the time to make the decision about moving forward.  However, I don’t know the answer.  More time is needed, and all I can hope is my heart doesn’t have to take another hit.

There it is folks.  When I wrote about my previous “almost love” there was nothing but thrills and excitement.  This one couldn’t be more different.  This time I’m on a slow moving love train – destination unknown.

When Life is All Good

 

How do you write when life is all good?

No pain to inspire; the hearts as it should.

How does art flow when nothing is wrong?

When tears are dried up; hurts are long gone.

Why is misery my creative tool?

When happiness just makes me act like a fool.

Will words of deep meaning come from pure joy?

Or will contentment be my poetic destroy?

In writing this piece, I question my mind;

Hoping for answers, but none did I find.

Never shall I doubt the power of sorrow;

Yet I wish for it not today or tomorrow.

 

Green Eyes Crying in The Smoke

High Hoe High Hoe — back to work I go.  Well actually I returned yesterday, but as expected, my first day back was crazy.  A weeks worth of disgruntled employees lined the hallways waiting to tell me their woes.  I so badly wanted to reply “wtf are you whining about?  I just spent my vacation days locked in my house because our town has been covered in forest fire smoke for a month”  Instead, I said things like “I understand how frustrating that must have been for you, how can I help?”

Since this is my blog, I will spill out my woes to you all.  Like I was saying, I spent a weeks worth of holidays mostly indoors.  I did get out to a couple parties, I went to the gym, I shopped, I watched documentaries, and I DRANK and had sex.  So it wasn’t all bad — haha.  What I really wanted, however, was to lay on the beach or run the trails behind my house.  I wanted fun in the sun not tears in the smoke.  I wasn’t crying… no, no, no… my eyes were leaking due to a heavy dose of forest fire smoke.  Everything smells like campfire right now.  Even the towels inside my house.  It’s disturbing to reach for your bath towel after a refreshing shower only to smell fire.

OK there it’s out of my system — I’m done bitching for now.  Day 2 of my regular routine, and I’m feeling pretty good.  I attribute this mainly to my new lifestyle of veganism.  I not just vegan, I’m eating a plant based, whole food diet now.  I made this change just over two weeks ago after watching numerous disturbing documentaries.  Why change?  I’ve been asked this by everyone I know, so let me share.  Number one — we are killing the planet with agriculture.  We no longer raise animals on small farms.  NOPE, agriculture has taken a noise dive right to world destruction.  Animals are now treated with such cruelty just because we overindulge in meat and animal products.  I watched some of this treatment, and it made me cry.

Number TWO: Read the China Study… eating plant based, whole foods reduces your risk of heart disease, cancer, and other life threatening diseases.

Number THREE:

Animal agriculture is responsible for 18 percent of greenhouse gas emissions, more than the combined exhaust from all transportation. – Source “Cowspiracy.com”

I have many other numbers to go through, but I think I’ve made my point.  Most of my friends have told me to stop watching documentaries.  I, on the other hand, am ecstatic about my choice.  I feel amazing, and I’ve lost 7lbs in two weeks.  I EAT all the time now, and I’m never hungry.  Life is good.

Besides my new way of feeding myself, I’ve got a new man in my life.  More on him tomorrow.  Time to get back to work — now I’m really crying.  Until tomorrow my friends, be well.

 

 Hazy night in The City 

It’s day number three of my greatly needed staycation.  I’m feeling pretty great, but I can’t say the same for our air quality.  I live in the interior of British Columbia, Canada.  If you don’t live near, you may not know that BC is on fire 🔥– literally.  My city is safe, but the winds carry thick forest fire smoke to my home town. For over a month we’ve battled with dangerous breathing air.  

There is a part of me that wants to complain that my holiday is ruin because of the fires, but I’m not going to do that.  Life happens, so it’s up to me to decide how to take it.  I’m taking it with thankfulness that my home is currently not at risk of burning to the ground.  I may not be able to enjoy a glass of wine on a patio, but I can still enjoy a glass of wine.  And that is exactly what I’m doing. 

Sitting in a nearly empty neighbourhood pub; a crisp glass of vegan friendly white wine in hand — I’m relaxing and appreciating my time away from work.  I’ve invited a friend down, and he will be here soon.  On that note, I’m going to put the phone down and scan the room for entertainment.  

Be safe my friends.  

Staycation, Documentaries, and Veggies

Hello and welcome to the first day of my new blog posts.  I could have easily started a new blog, but as the name says, I’m on the road less travelled.  Beside, there are many new roads on my journey of life.  My last post My Life Transformed was a tribute to where I’ve been; today, I’m gonna tell you where I am now.

Shortly after having my heart slightly broken, I started falling into a slight depression.  I typically suffer from anxiety, but occasionally depression sticks it’s ugly head up.   When I start to feel depressed, I take action pretty quick.  I know myself, and if I don’t do something about it, I will stay in it for too long.  The change began when I started reading the book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R. Covey.  I am not finished the book, but what I have read challenged me to focus on what MY core values were.  That might sound easy, but when I took a good look at myself and what I stand for, I realized my values were unclear.  It turns out I actually have some very strong and deep values, but it took some digging for me to understand what they were.  I will write more on this at a later time, so let me get on with today’s focus…

This isn’t the first time I have delved into a session of self-awareness.  When I start looking inward, I do things like watch documentaries, read revealing books, and Google articles on the topics I’ve narrowed in on.  This brings me to my binge of documentaries.  For some unknown reason, I started watching documentaries on plant-based diets.  It was out of pure curiousity, as I had no intentions of changing what I eat.  In fact, I watched it with the thought that I would disagree with what I saw.  I ended up watching three of them pretty much back to back.  One in particular struck a nerve.  Vegucation: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1814930/.

What I took from that documentary will again be discussed in another post; however, I will tell you this meat loving human has since turned Vegan.  Today is the first day of my Staycation, and I have made a promise to myself to write daily.  I have fallen off the blogsphere for awhile, so as I take time to relax from the daily grind, I will refocus my energies on the important things I do for me.  This is the intro to my new self.  I have a new hunger for life that continues to grow each day, and I’m determined to document my experiences a long the way.  RIGHT now, however, I must get ready for my lunch time massage.

 

My Life Transformed

Sadly, I have neglected my blog over the past couple of months with only random posts from time to time.  I started this blog over a year ago, and since that time, I’ve created some positive change in my life.  Slowly, I’ve crawled my way out of a very stagnant time in my life, and the rewards are starting to come to fruition.  My journey has been filled with anxiety, fear, heartache, and a lot of confusion, but I’m thankful I pushed myself on.  As my life is transforming, so will this blog.  In three days, I start a week long staycation.  During my time of work reprieve, I will be dedicating myself to reconnecting with the blogsphere and reshaping my blog.

Before I do, I want to share where I was and where I am now going.  Just over a year ago, I was living a life that seemed void of meaning.  I was a few years out of an abusive relationship, living in a home I had grown out of, and basically drinking myself out of boredom.  No, I was not an alcoholic, but my only source of pleasure was my end of the day couple of glasses of wine.  This was the beginning of my life change.  There was no lightbulb moment or epiphany, just a desire for more.  The problem was, I didn’t know what I needed or wanted — I just knew I wasn’t happy.  With that in mind, I came off my anxiety medication, sold my trailer, bought a condo, enrolled in online university courses, and started dating again.  Not all at once — it all happened over the course of about six months.

After moving into my condo, I had a melt down.  I wasn’t coping, and I wasn’t really any happier.  Feeling defeated, I went back on anxiety medication.  Shortly after, I met a man who seemed to be everything I had been waiting for.  I rushed in blindly because it felt good.  I was too blind to see the red flags that were waved right in front of my face, and it ended with confusion and heart ache.  At the same time, work pressured mounted, and I fell into a depression.  That was about the time my blog posts became less and less frequent.  Two months later, I end up where I am today.  This post, however, is not about what has changed — that is a TBC…..

I’ve hit a major turning point in my life, and this post is a good-bye to the past.  I’m now able to look back and see that everything that happen was necassary.  I would not have come to this point without experiencing pain.  PAIN = Growth.  There is a fire in my heart now, and I’m filled with a new sense of passion.  I’m excited to share my new self with all of my friends here, so stay tuned for a new story.