Let Go. Just Be.

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It’s 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning.   Like most weekend mornings, I’m sitting at my dining room table with my oatmeal and almond milk latte.  I’ve got a blanket wrapped around me, as I’m waiting for the house to warm up.  I turn the heat down at night because I get night sweats.  Across the room from me is my dog, Olivia, she’s an 11 pound Jack Russell/Shih Tzu, and she’s the light of my life.  She’s got her two front paws perched on the arm chair of the sofa.  She’s stretched herself as long as she can get, so she can get a good look at the birds outside the window.  She looks so content and happy.  11lbs — barely weight at all, yet she carries in her the most unconditional love I’ve ever known.

My place has the most amazing view of the city.  From where I’m sitting, I can see the mountains and the sleepy town nestled below.  There’s an urgency in me to get my day started, but I’m giving myself the permission to take a minute for me.  A minute to write, refect, and watch the world around me.  My studies, workout, and house renovations can wait an hour.

It’s these little pockets of time that matter in life.  The times you allow yourself to let go of everything to just be.  To breathe and enjoy the act of living.  This morning, I’m thankful for this time.  Soon I will run a bath and prepare myself for the day, but first one more cup of coffee.

 

Waves of Calm

Image result for waves of calm

My body and my mind have found a wave of calm to ride this morning.  A large gentle wave came out of nowhere and swept me off my feet.  It has me craddled in it’s warmth — I feel safe and relaxed.  I’m riding the day at a slower pace than my usual turbo speed, and it feels good.

My racing thoughts have been washed out to sea; for this very moment I have peace.  Peace and quiet; sweet relief from repetitive overthinking.  If only I knew what brought on this wonderful state of mind.   Yesterday is a blur of anxiousness.  I was pre-approved for a mortgage; for some, this would be a reason to celebrate.  For me, it brought on instant fear of all the unknowns.  The “what if’s” were flying at me from every corner — attack of the G.A.D.  The uneasy feeling I fell asleep to, however, was gone when I woke this morning.  It’s like my mind forgot to get up with the rest of me.  Shhhhh… be very quiet, we don’t want to wake the beast. Be very, very QUIET.

 

QUIET

The morning’s breath; still and calm;

cold upon my cheek.

The rhythm of my beating heart;

lulls my mind to sleep.

Do not wake the thought machine;

for rest is what it needs.

Speak only with quiet whispered words;

for to give my mind some peace.

– Smartygirl41

 

© Smartygirl41 and The Road Less Traveled, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Smartygirl41 and The Road Less Traveled with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

A NEW Addition!

woman, girl, relaxing

Just another zapping Friday.  Yep, the brain is still giving me grief over taking away it’s medication, but I’m not giving in.  I’m a bit weary, so I’m glad for a couple of days off.  The best part about this weekend is that I’m getting a new bed.

Ohhhhhh… I can feel it now: Soft, flat, comfortable; come to mama.  My current bed was purchased only a mere 7 years ago, and I’m not thrilled to be putting money out again so soon.  When I put out $1500.00 for my current sleep apparatus, I was expecting no less than 10 years with it. Instead, I had 3 years of satisifactory sleep, followed by 4 years of hell.  It’s a big heavy pillowtop bed; super soft, but it sinks in the middle.  Everynight, I crawl into bed, shoves some pillows down the left side of my body, and squirm restlessly all night to find a comfortable position.  Rigamortis sets in overnight, and every morning I feel like I’ve aged 100 years.  As much as it pained me to hand out money I didn’t have, It would have pained me more to have not.

ONE more sleep — just one more painful, sleepless night until I will be floating on mattress heaven.  I might even stay in bed all weekend just to take it all in.  Wouldn’t that be decadent — a weekend in bed.  I’d totally do it if I had a partner in crime, but two days of self entertainment is probably asking too much of myself.  Although, I could give it my best shot!!!

coffee, cup, mug

This new addition to my little family of household furniture has brought with it a bit of a dilemma.  Do I go to the gym after work today, or………… do I go pick out new bed sheets?  How do I make this decision???  If I work out, I can reward myself with a glass of wine (the first of the week).  But if I buy new bed sheets, I might get motivated to buy new paint, which means full bedroom overhaul.  ——————————————————My problem here it big!  Wine or weekend reno?  This decision can only be solved one way: coin toss.  Heads is gym/wine, tails is…too much damn work.  Screw it, I’m going for wine.

Well my happy blogg’n friends, happy happy Friday to you all.  May you sleep well, eat well, and love well.

Frantically Waiting For The L. Weekend!!!

As I walked down the halls of my office building, I noticed that almost everyone had left early to start their long weekend.  I received emails all day from co-workers informing me of their early departure to attend appointments.  How strange: who books appointments at the end of a work day just before a long weekend?  Or maybe….. they are lying?  Wouldn’t it be refreshing if instead of faking an appointment, they just said, “hey everyone, I’m fucking off early today because I’m not being productive anyway — happy long weekend.”

No one is productive just before a long weekend.  Our minds have left, but our body remains.  I’m usually right there with them all, but today I actually had a lot of work to get done.  So, I remained as the last person in the building, rushing to finish a project that was thrown my way last minute.  DAMN IT.

Oh well, I have one fitness class to teach tonight and then I’m free.  Free for 3 whole days to do whatever I want.  I am itching to get started on relaxing — I can almost taste the wine now!   Freshly showered, bra off, feet on the table and a cold glass of wine in hand: that’s how my weekends gonna start.

I’m gonna put every effort into releasing the anxiety I already have about the weekend going too fast.  It hasn’t even started, and I know it isn’t long enough.

Monday is going to be a ghost town in the office as well.  I received countless vacation day requests from people who want to extend their weekend.  I really need to get on board with everyone else and start taking more time off.  Problem is, I only get 2 weeks holidays and I don’t want to take them one day at a time.  I could take a day off without pay, but losing money does not relax me.

Well I’m just babbling — my post has no purpose other than I felt like putting fingers to keys.  Ok, I’m trying to fill the time between now and my class, and it hasn’t been easy.  I don’t teach until 6pm, so I still have two hours to go.  HURRY UP WEEKEND!

Cleaning Out My Closet

“Out of clutter find simplicity.” – Albert Einstein

Spring is in the air, and it’s time to do some cleaning — literally and figuratively.  A couple of weeks ago, I was faced with, what could have been, an extremely large car repair bill.  Luckily, the car turned out to be ok, and I’m happy to report the cost was minimal.  Little did I know, however, this event was the spark I needed to make some changes in life.

Being me, I panicked at the thought of incurring additional debt. I’ve been working on reducing my debt this year, but everytime I take a step forward, I have to take two back.  The last thing I wanted to do was put another charge on my credit.  Therefore, my only other option  was to “SELL EVERYTHING.”   If I could find enough things to sell, just maybe I would have enough to cover a large chunk of the repair bill.  I started by going through my storage room.  I needed items that had some value, so I put together a pile of things I could probably live without:

  1. Snowboard with bindings, boots, goggles, and helmet
  2. Two of my guitars (sadly)
  3. 6 Designer handbags
  4. Old iPhone (5c with a cracked screen)

I put everything on Kijiji and crossed my fingers.  So far I’ve sold the phone and one of the handbags for a total of $55.  I’ve now removed the snowboard package and guitars, as I want to wait until the end of my “purging spree” to see if I still want to let them go.

My car crisis is over; however, my urge to purge has remained.  One of the girls at work is having a garage sale in a couple weeks, and she has invited me to bring up anything I want to get rid of.  Oddly, I want to get rid of everything.  I’ve created piles in my house of items I no longer use.  Things I keep because “I might use them again one day.”  I want it gone — all of it.  Piles of clothes have been boxed up; old printers, shoes, purses, bedding, books, dishes, and luggage currently line the walls of my spare bedroom waiting to be loaded into my car for sale day.

Another co-worker told me about this 24hr bidding page on Facebook.  I found the page and sent in my request to join.  The page has very strict rules on posting, bidding, and pick ups.  You are pretty much guaranteed to sell your items, and the best part is the buyer has to pay and pick up within 24hours.  I sold a set of old bar stools for $5, and now I have 3 lululemon pieces up for bid.  The bidding war has begun on my items and I’m at $39 bucks (make that $42) so far.  My total for items sold is $100, and I haven’t even put anything of great value up yet.  Who knew that selling my old things was going to be such a rush!

This purge has motivated to me to do some major deep cleaning in my house.  I cleaned the oven hood vent, my oven, and fridge.  My weeds have been pulled, and I’m preparing to paint my spare room once all my items have been sold or donated.  I’ve gone through junk drawers and makeup bins, and next will be the remaining storage closets.  Empty and clean is what I’m aiming for, and so far I’m on a roll.

With every item I remove from my home, my mind feels clearer.  My physical world is being reflected in my emotional world.  There is a certain freedom in unloading stuff from my life, and my whole being is benefiting from this exercise.  I’m dedicating the rest of 2016 as my clean up year.  I’m cleaning out my closet, clearing out my mind, and making room for happy days.

 

Beautiful Words

Beautiful words can make the world go round; they can empower, inspire, motivate, and invigorate our souls when put together in just the right way.  Words express our emotions, feelings and thoughts — they allow us to share a piece of ourselves with others.  I am in love with beaufitul words. Sorrowful, joyful, enlightening, frightening words, it doesn’t matter what their purpose — I love them all.

I learned to read at an early age; I found words fasinating even as a child.  As a little girl, I believed that my favorite musicians wrote their songs as a way of speaking to me directly. Their words let me know them, and in turn, I believed they knew me.  Ì had imaginary relationships with Billy Joel, Simon and Garfunkel, John Denver, and ABBA (did I just age myself?).  They may not have know me in the traditional way, but their shared views on life connected us to eachother.  Their words brought comfort and protection to a child lost in the madness of her own mind.

I read constantly, whether it be novels, news articles, poems, musical lyrics, or blog posts. I’ve never measured, but I would guess that over half of my waking day is spent reading and 20% of it writing.  I write emails, micro blogs, blog posts, essays, text messages, hand written journals, and sticky reminders all day long.  I feel naked without a keyboard or pen at my hands.  It doesn’t matter to me how accepted my writing is, as some of my favorite posts have been completely passed by, and I’m ok with that.  At this early stage of sharing my words, I am encourage with even single “Like” I receive.   The joy of writing to me is in the process, not the end result.  Of course, I’m pleased if I produce something of value to others, as that is my intent.  However, I understand that writing is an art form that requires practice and skill.

So in my conclusion, I want to acknowledge and appreciate all the beautiful writers.  Every one of you; novice or masterful, thank you for being so giving of yourselves.  I respect and value the gift you are to the world.

A Little Bit Of Crazy

Why is it when part of your life gets hectic, the other parts follow suit?  My job is like a roller coaster ride: I can go weeks with nothing too exciting happen, and then next thing you know I’m up to my A*S in work place incidents, layoffs, terminations, hiring projects, policy implementations etc.  One minute,arms I’m bored out of my mind and the next, I’m a superhuman multi-tasker.  What I just realized is that anytime my work life gets crazy, so does my personal time.

That being said, I think I probably bring it on myself.  When I’m busy at work, I tend to go overboard with my work outs.  I find they destress me, so instead of my usual hour at the gym after work, I’m putting in two hours of extreme cardio a day.  Long distance cardio improves my moods and alleviates a lot of my anxiety — I have generalized anxiety disorder.  I feel “up” with all the adreneline running through my body, but there is a bit of a downfall.  The longer hours at work combined with the time I’m putting in at the gym, leave me with less time (and energy) for other of life’s priorities.  Since, I’m a self-admitted over-achiever, I can’t let things go.  Mainly because I think everything is priority.

My beautifully anxious brain continuously runs through checklists of tasks.  I wake up in the morning and immediately start organizing what needs to get done.  ENDLESS lists of things I have to do.  The busier I get, the more I notice what still needs to get done… and then — I forget to breathe.    I can go a whole day without breathing (really breathing that is).  Of course I’m breathing enough to live, but just barely.  I don’t know how or why I do it, but I notice I hold my breath all the time.   I’ve had to tell myself five times while writing this post “to breathe”  Is everyone like this, or is this just part of my anxiety?  I wonder sometimes what is normal, and what is part of my anxiety.  I guess it doesn’t really matter what’s normal or not, just how I end up dealing with it.

It’s only Tuesday and already my work week has been highly stressful.  I’ve turned my internal switch to high-speed and my brain is on overload.   I haven’t had time to write a post in a week, szen-frog-22o today I’m taking 10 minutes during my day to have a coffee, write, and remember to breathe.  I need to slow everything down before I get to the point of “burn-out”, which I have a habit of doing.   I go, go, go, and then I crash.  Not this time, nope.  This time, I am being mindful of where I’m at.  This is all part of my attempt at neuroplasticity, which I mentioned in an earlier post.  I’m rewiring my brain, teaching it new tricks if you will.   I am visualizing, breathing, relaxing… there we go little anxious brain — Calm.