Trick or Treat

Women's Black Coach

Trick or Treat!  Oh hell why not, I’ll go with a trick please — Go ahead. Excite me.  I dare you.  Halloween is fast approaching, and soon the streets will be filled with the creatures of the night.  I don’t know about the rest of the world, but where I live Halloween will be celebrated over this weekend.  Kids, of course, will still trick-or-treat on Monday, but the adult parties will be held tonight and tomorrow.  ….FUN FUN.FUN till her daddy took her T-Bird away…

I do love Halloween.  I love the playfulness of the holiday.  What’s more fun than a bunch of adults playing dress up?  Exactly: NOTHING.  I, however, will likely not be partaking in the festivities this year. As much as I love any opportunity to dress up like a sexy little vixen, there’s too many other things needing my attention at the moment.  For example: Installing baseboards.  Grown up priorities suck the life out of fun.  What’s a girl to do? I’ve got a house to sell.

I may not be putting on the black leather bustier this year, but one thing is for certain ….. I will be pouring a nice big glass of wine, popping some popcorn, and hunkering down for a down right creepy horror flick this weekend.  It can’t be all hammers and nails.

Enjoy the weekend my little blogger friends.

Texting, Texting… 1.2.3.

The world we live in has changed dramatically over my life time, and I’m not sure for the good.  People spend enormous amounts of time on their cell phones, tablets, and computers.  Sadly, many people spend more time with their friends on Facebook than they do in person.  I witnessed a pretty messed up situation last night when I was out for beers with a good guy friend from work.

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My friend and I are fairly close, and we both were having a bit of a rough week.  For him it was work stress; for me it was the lack of control regarding the sale of my house.  We decided it would be nice to blow off some steam with a few beers down at the local brew house.   After running a couple of quick errands, I met up with him and we started chatting about his new love interest.  He has been dating this one for just over 1.5 months, and he claimed she might be the one — he liked her.  He was, however, a little puzzled by some of her behaviours.  Several times he had asked her to hang out, and her basic response was, “I’m going to pass; I’m too tired.”  My thought to this was: “She’s just not that into you.”

When I told my friend what I thought about it, he assured me it wasn’t that.  He was convinced they had a pretty strong connection.  Fair enough; what do I know.  Sometime after ordering our second beer, my friend received a text.   He glanced at it, and then said “I’m getting dumped right now.”  And he was.   WTF!!!! Dumped by text? What is wrong with people?   I’m sorry but that it total B.S.  Get a set of lady balls and do it in person for F sakes.  Sure it’s not fun having to tell someone that you don’t want to see them anymore, but it’s something that needs to be done face to face.

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I felt terrible for my friend, so I did the only thing I could do: I drank beer with him and let him talk.  It turned out to be a later night than expected, but to my surprise I actually feel pretty good today.  Aside from being a little tired, I feel good.  No anxiety, no overthinking, and no low mood.  Strange.   My friend on the other hand did not fair as well.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen that shade of green on a person before — YIKES.

I know he will be fine; he’s drop dead gorgeous and women basically throw themselves at him.  However, I’m still pissed at the level of disrespect his “ex”-girlfriend displayed.  Text messaging has a place, but there is no place for it where the heart is concerned.

LIFE

It’s miserable outside: gray and wet.  It fits my melancholy mood perfectly.  There is part of me that wants to skip my workout today in exchange for hot soup and a movie.  Anxiety has drained my energy levels, but I know if I skip the work out I won’t be able to eat dinner without stressing about the calories.

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh life.  Why must you be so hard at times.  Money burdens, loneliness hurts,  habits hinder.

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Why can’t I breathe in newness and let everything inside go?  ………………………………..life.  Am I still re-adjusting to being off meds, or is this it?  Is this when I tell myself I can’t do it.  I’m struggling with the decision to phone up my doctor and say, “fuck it, I quit.  Give me back my meds.”

Defeated today, but I will hold on and see what tomorrow brings.

A Cure for Anxiety

Fellow anxiety sufferers, have I got some good news for you.  I was given the answer to all of my problems last night, and I need to pass it along.  Hang on to your seats guys cause this is a good one.  It’s going to change your life.  Are you ready?

Last night  I sat across the table from a wonderfully well-meaning man.  Him — talk, dark and average looking.  He took my hands in his, looked me in the eyes, and said, “You should stop over analyzing everything and just relax.”

WAIT…. WHAT?            I can do that?                 Holy F Bomb, please sir tell me how this is done, and I will do it right away.Image result for shocked face

Alright, I know he was trying to be helpful, and no, this is not the first time I’ve been given pure asinine advice.  But it did stir up feelings that have stuck with me into this morning.  Feelings of inadequacy and disfunction.  When you look at anxiety from the outside, it seems ridiculous don’t you think?   He’s right, I should stop over analyzing everything and stop worrying about things that haven’t happened.  I tell myself this everything day, but I haven’t been able to figure out how.

Do you want to know what I was worrying about last night?  I was worried about being out past 7pm on a work night.  I was all worked up because my schedule had been thrown off, and I didn’t know how to handle it.  There I was, a grown woman who couldn’t handle being on a date on a Monday night.  You may wonder how this date came to be in the first place.  Well, it started in the morning when I received a message from my realtor that I had a 5pm showing request for my house.  SHIT.  Normally I go to the gym right after work.  Schedule reassessment number 1.  I would have to cancel my work out, go home to pick up my dog and find something to do for an hour.  Not ideal, but manageable.

Next I received a message from a guy I had been chatting with on Tinder.  He said he was going to be in my area and wanted to know if I’d like to meet up.  SHIT SHIT.   Schedule reassessment number 2.  I thought this over and decided that I could meet him during the time of my showing.  I had an hour to kill anyway, so why not go crazy.  I figured one beer and then home to reassess the rest of my evening.  One beer turned into 2 which turned into dinner.

Side note: We were at a pub close to my house, so I was able to take my dog home after the first drink.

Anyway to get to the point, I didn’t get home until 9pm last night and it totally messed me up.  I was super anxious waiting for dinner to come because it was taking so long.  I should have gone home after the first beer, or not?  I should be able to handle a unplanned change in my schedule.  I should be able to JUST F’ing relax, but I can’t.   It took me forever to get to sleep last night because I was so thrown off my schedule.  Today, I’m tired and out of sorts.  Was it worth it?  Was meeting a guy that doesn’t even live in my area worth it?  I don’t know.  Sometimes I feel like I just don’t know anything.  I’m going to down another latte and try to get my system back on track.

 

Pushing My Anxiety Buttons

 

11:20 a.m. text from my realtor:  5pm showing request for today.  Can you make it work?

NO — No, I can’t make that work, but I guess I will have to try.  I have a 24hr request rule for showings on my place because I have a small dog that resides in my house when I’m at work.  I also need to live in my house while it is up for sale, so it’s not exactly show ready at the drop of a hat.  I did laundry yesterday, which means there are bra’s and lululemon workout gear hanging to dry in the bathroom.  So if they want to take a walk through my lingerie, then sure why not.

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To catch you up, I’m trying to sell my mobile home with hopes of upgrading, and this will be my second showing.  Considering how hard it is to sell in my park, I don’t really have the luxury of saying no to a showing.  I dashed home at lunch and tidied up — well I threw all of my clean laundry in to the dryer.. so I sort of tidied.  I also sprayed all the counters down with Clorox so it smells super clean.  I only get 30 minutes for lunch, so that was the best I could do.  Now I just need to race home after work and pick up the dog, cross my fingers, and wait.  Not exactly my strong suit.

Waiting for a person with generalized anxiety is straight up torture.  The last showing I had was on my birthday… within an hour of the showing I was sent the message that the person wasn’t interested.  What did I do?  I went and got drunk.  I’m hoping to handle the second showing a bit better.  Especially since it’s only Monday, and getting drunk on a work night isn’t ideal.

Note to self for future — selling a house and my anxiety don’t mix.  FAK…. 

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Money Sucks

 

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Life is one big money pit.  If there is one thing I wish that we could do without, it would be money.  It is one of the leading causes for my anxiety, and this morning it strikes again.  This time in the form of a dead car.

My step-dad is on his way over to give me a boost, and my hope is that it’s just a dead battery.  I’m doing my best to keep my mind from travelling down the path of what if… like what if it’s the alternater, or what if it really serious and will cost thousands…. oh god here it comes.  A fucking anxiety attack.

I know, I know… breathe.  I’m trying.  When it comes to money, I can’t seem to keep my shit together.  There is never enough to pay the bills and save for emergencies.  I’m going to go pace the hallway before my neck seizes up.

 

 

Unsedated

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When the night turns black and cats roam the streets, I will hide in the shadows, unsedated.  Their laughter gets louder hour by hour; liquid gold fuels their fire.  But I will watch from dark corners, unsedated.  Linked arm in arm they stagger down neon lit streets tripping on invisable obstacles.  My feet shuffle quietly behind them, watching with darkened eyes, unsedated.

They’re loudness brings night preditors to the floor; they don’t notice, but I do.  Camouflaged as white knights on dark horses; the knights fuel them more and more.  It’s become too much; time to go because I’m unsedated.

 

An abstract tale of a sober night out with the girls.