Forbidden

affair, bedroom, couple

He hands me a glass of wine before taking a seat beside me on the sofa.  He’s close; very close; so close that I can smell him.  He smells clean — freshly showered.  My body starts to tremble and I can feel my face heating up.  Can he see what he’s doing to me?  We’ve been friends for so long; why now am I feeling this way?  I hear him say something… what was it?  I turn to face him, and I realize he’s moved closer.  My heart is pounding so hard, I can’t see.  I can feel his breath on my face as he leans in and kisses me.  Soft. That’s all I can muster as far as a thought.   Soft and warm.  I hold my breathe because I don’t want this to end.  I’m afraid if I move, he will disappear.  He touches his forehead to mine.  He moans and then slides his cheek gently across my cheek.  His teeth graze my earlobe, and he whispers: “I love you”

MY HEART STOPS IN IT’S TRACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to tell him I love him too, but the music is too loud.  Wait, where did the music come from?  Why is there music?  What is happening…… no, no, no — don’t wake up.

I reach my arm out from under the blankets and grab my phone.  I’m trying to silence the fucking alarm, but the touch screen is being finicky.  DAMN IT — SHUT UP; I need to get back to my dream before it’s gone.  TOO late; I’m awake.

I laid in bed yesterday morning re-living my love dream.  I get these dreams from time to time.  Usually they involve my good guy friend from work.  I don’t have a thing for my friend, but when I have these dreams, I end up feeling weird around him for a good week.  The dreams feel real.  So real, I feel I am in love for a few days after.  I’m pretty sure the dream is more about my desire to be loved again than it is about my co-worker — or least I hope it is.

Today is Monday, so I’m back at work with my dream lover.  He’s been in my office a couple times today, and each time, I’ve felt like a silly school girl.  THE BLOGSPHERE is the only place I’m safe to share this with — so shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

 

A NEW Addition!

woman, girl, relaxing

Just another zapping Friday.  Yep, the brain is still giving me grief over taking away it’s medication, but I’m not giving in.  I’m a bit weary, so I’m glad for a couple of days off.  The best part about this weekend is that I’m getting a new bed.

Ohhhhhh… I can feel it now: Soft, flat, comfortable; come to mama.  My current bed was purchased only a mere 7 years ago, and I’m not thrilled to be putting money out again so soon.  When I put out $1500.00 for my current sleep apparatus, I was expecting no less than 10 years with it. Instead, I had 3 years of satisifactory sleep, followed by 4 years of hell.  It’s a big heavy pillowtop bed; super soft, but it sinks in the middle.  Everynight, I crawl into bed, shoves some pillows down the left side of my body, and squirm restlessly all night to find a comfortable position.  Rigamortis sets in overnight, and every morning I feel like I’ve aged 100 years.  As much as it pained me to hand out money I didn’t have, It would have pained me more to have not.

ONE more sleep — just one more painful, sleepless night until I will be floating on mattress heaven.  I might even stay in bed all weekend just to take it all in.  Wouldn’t that be decadent — a weekend in bed.  I’d totally do it if I had a partner in crime, but two days of self entertainment is probably asking too much of myself.  Although, I could give it my best shot!!!

coffee, cup, mug

This new addition to my little family of household furniture has brought with it a bit of a dilemma.  Do I go to the gym after work today, or………… do I go pick out new bed sheets?  How do I make this decision???  If I work out, I can reward myself with a glass of wine (the first of the week).  But if I buy new bed sheets, I might get motivated to buy new paint, which means full bedroom overhaul.  ——————————————————My problem here it big!  Wine or weekend reno?  This decision can only be solved one way: coin toss.  Heads is gym/wine, tails is…too much damn work.  Screw it, I’m going for wine.

Well my happy blogg’n friends, happy happy Friday to you all.  May you sleep well, eat well, and love well.

Thou Shalt Not Plan

arm, hand, desk

My TV is rarely on, but when it is, I’m either watching Triple D or Criminal Minds.  I’ve seen every episode of Criminal Minds at least 5 or 6 times; possibly more, I don’t keep track.  The shows about a group of FBI agents that make up the BAU (Behaviour Analysis Unit).  The BAU is task with hunting down serial killers using, you guessed it, behaviour analysis.  A little dark, yes, but that’s me: a little dark on the inside.

In every episode a thoughtful quote is narrated by one of the shows characters.  It’s either thrown right after the beginning scene, or just after a dramatic ending along with a deep lyrically moving song.  The quote from last nights show inspired this writing today.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

Now those are words to live by, and words I’ve had to re-learn a time or two.  I don’t find letting go easy, actually I find it excruciatingly difficult.  The hardest decision so far in my life was leaving my marriage.   I felt like a failure, and it took me many years to let go of the guilt that decision had on me.

You see, I thought marriage was the answer to life.  Growing up, my only role model was my single mom who received no child support and who’s parents died when I was only three.  She worked several minimum wage jobs just to put a roof over our heads and food on the table.  Her life goal? Find a man to marry who would take care of us.  I can’t say I blame her.   She had no one to turn too, and I can’t imagine how hard it was for her.  Needless to say, that became my focus on life.  My plan was to get married, get a job, and buy a house.  And guess what?    I did.

I married at 23, studied accounting and found an average job, and then my husband and I bought a house.  It was perfect, everything I had dreamt of.  Then, one day, I woke up and thought “Now what?”   I had it all, everything on my life list was ticked off, so why was I feeling empty.  Why was I so sad all of the time?  In the end, I blamed my marriage. How was I to know it was so much more than that.   If I knew then what I know now would I have stayed?  No, I don’t think so.  But, I would have known it wasn’t a man that was making me unhappy; it was that I hadn’t learned what I wanted in life.

It took another failed relationship for me to finally clue into the truth. I, DIDN”T KNOW WHO I WAS.   I didn’t know what inspired me or what made me tick.  My life experience had revolved around pure survival.  All I knew of the world was work and marriage.  I thought I needed a steady job and a man.  “Need” is now no longer in my vocabulary, and although I may not have all the answers to life, I do know one thing: You need to experience as much as you can in life to figure out what your life is meant to be.  There is no end game, it’s all about trying new things and seeing where they take you.  A man (or partner) is meant to be a companion; not a goal.

I don’t have everything I think I want in life right now, but that’s a good thing.  All I can do is live, learn, and experience.

“We think that accomplishing things will complete us, when it is experiencing life that will.” – Mark Nepo

 

Numbers Don’t Lie

woman, bed, bedroom

It’s funny how blogging can open up your eyes to your own mind.  When I started my blog I didn’t have a specific purpose for it.  I wasn’t trying to inspire, motivate, sell, bring awareness, or cause controversy.  I tried to come up with a focus, but I had so many things I wanted to say, so I just started a random blog for random postings.

I really didn’t think I had any one thing that consumed my mind.  In reality, I felt like a scatter brain with too many thoughts happening all at once.  I’ve been blogging now, I think, since March 2016 — wow how time flies when you’re having fun.  In that time, I’ve written approximately 80ish post, which completely amazes me.  The other day I was checking out my stats, which I rarely do because they don’t really mean anything to me.  However, I noticed something kind of interesting: I do have some common thoughts.  Because I use the categories and tags section, I was able to see what I write about most.

My tags included the following subjects:

  • Anxiety (number one topic)
  • Dreams
  • Love
  • Single
  • Online Dating

Basically, I’m consumed by my mental health and lust!!!! That’s awesome.  I wasn’t surprised by the mental health numbers.  I don’t struggle like I used to with anxiety, but it still affects my life in many ways.  It changes the way I see things, and it teaches me the important of self-awareness.  LUST on the other hand shocked me.  I had no idea it was such an important issue in my life — one that has been lacking for way too long.  I know I need to get back on the horse, but damn, I didn’t realize it was so prevelant in my daily thoughts.  I guess that means I need to make sex more of a priority in life.  The numbers don’t lie; it’s time for some hanky panky.

 

Mini-Me

person, walking, summer

Once upon a time, I was a little girl who liked to live inside her own imagination.  I created safe places where everyone loved and adored me, because I was beautiful and smart.  At an early age, I dreamt of a white knight riding into town on his black stallion whisking me away to make me his bride.  OK it wasn’t a white knight; it was David Hasselhoff from Knight Rider, and it wasn’t a horse; it was KITT.  SEMANTICS  

 

Seriously though, I was madly in love with the HOFF, and I was convinced he loved me back.  When he looked straight into the camera and our eyes met, my heart would pitter patter, pitter patter.  I didn’t just play in this fantasy world; I lived in it.  This was a place where anxiety did not exist, and where I could be anything I wanted to be.  There was nothing to fear, and no one could hurt me there.  I was not the shy, poor, chubby girl that the other kids made fun of — no way.  I was the girl that everyone would envy once Dave and I made our love public.  Them school yard bitches was gonna be sorry they ever messed with me… And the boys, oh the boys; the Hoff would make sure they knew what they were missing out on.  

 

The HOFF was my protector; he nurtured me and made me feel safe.  This was the one and only time in my life when I was completely delusional. Fully “NUTS” You wouldn’t have been able to convince me that our love wasn’t real.  I was a seven year old girl, engaged to a grown man, and I didn’t think there was anything weird about that at all.

Luckily, this little fantasy was just an attempt to fill the unmet needs of a child.  My brains way of dealing with abandonment, criticism, lack of attention, and parental alcoholism.  For had it been real — two words say it all:  “BAY”     “WATCH”   

This little trip down memory lane has got me all nostalgic.  I’m suddenly in the mood for a pick-a-pop ice cream float, a game of wack-a-mole, some cotton candy, and maybe an episode of the Dukes of Hazzard.

Just’a good ol’ boys
Never meanin’ no harm.
Beats all you never saw
Been in trouble with the law
Since the day they was born

Waylon Jennings

My inner child is wanting to play.  She wants to climb trees and run barefoot throught the long damp grass.  She wants to eat apples from the tree, and catch butterflies till dusk .  She wants to stay outside playing until the street lights come on, and then lay under the dark sky to watch for a shooting star.  She standing at the front door waiting for me to say

“Alright GIRL — Go play and BE FREE!!!!.”

 

This post was inspired by an exercise I did last night.  I was asked to write a letter to my inner child to let her know that I was here and she was safe.  The exercise is to better connect myself to my inner child which will heal old wounds, increase my self-esteem, spark my creativity, and weaken my anxiety disorder.  I did some crying, I did some laughing, and now I will do some playing.

Passion Free

 

Can you remember a time when you freed yourself from an dying passion?  I can, and I was reminded of this when I sadly read that Ms. Queen Bee (I Play The Body Electric) was writing her last blog post yesterday.  Being a new blogger, I was only lucky enough to experience her writing for a short time.  I’m truly inspired by those who write with such honesty and emotion.  Thanks for writing Ms. Bee, and all the best to you.

It was Queen Bee’s explanation for leaving that inspired my post today.  She said she had accomplished what she set out to do, said all that she had to say, and it was time for her to move on.  She was letting go of something that was no longer pulled her in, and this is what resonated with me.  This, of course, is only my interpretation of her words, and they may not be 100% accurate to her feelings — song lyrics mean different things to different people.  What I appreciated about her goodbye was she let go when it was the right time for her.  This is something I struggle with, and I often hold on to things for far too long.

In my previous post Fighting Boredom, I talk about how hard it was for me to let go of my passion for teaching fitness (I’m still holding on by a thread).  For me, it’s like trying to hold on to a lover, even though I know the love is gone.  The memories of the love is what holds me back.  In my heart, I know I have nothing left to give to my fitness clients, but my mind does not want it to be true.  So, instead of making a clean break, I let go little by little.  It’s hard to let go of something that once was a fire raging in my belly, but now only fills me with a sense of committment.   Somewhere deep inside, I know I’m afraid.  I’m afraid to say, “I’m done” because I will take it as a failure.   This brings me back to why Queen Bee’s post spoke so loudly to me.

Her goodbye turned a light bulb on in my (sometimes) dimly lit mind.  The epiphany?  Letting go is not a sign of failure, it’s the finale of just one part of my life’s purpose.  I had something to share with the world — I shared what I had, and now that job is done.  Letting go will free me, and allow me to find my next purpose.  So thank you Queen B., your words had an impact on my life.

 

If anyone reading this is struggling to let go of something, let the Queen’s words be heard!

 

When I Let Myself Dream

If I let myself dream, I see myself in a whole new life.  I picture myself living in a cute little house with the love of my life at my side.  We’d cook together and drink wine under the stars, while listening to some reggae song about being happy.  Our house would be situated right downtown, so we could walk to cafes, pubs, and markets.  The front room would have  a wood-buring fireplace with floor to ceiling bookshelves on either side of it.  Right out the back door would be a little stone path leading to a small gazebo surrounded by rose bushes and lillies.

I  believe that you can set goals for yourself and achieve almost anything you want in life.  However, I don’t think you can set a goal for falling in love.  At least not falling in true love.  Sure,  you can go online, pick a man, and fall in comfort easy enough, but that’s not part of my dream.  I had the comfortable life before; unfortunately, it didn’t work for me — I wish it did.  Life would be so much easier if I could settle for the average.  If I  didn’t need excitement and passion to make me feel alive, I could be content in a lackluster relationship.

I’m not looking for “movie” love.  Honestly, I find Hollywood love stories to be overly cheezy. I’m not unrealistic in my dreams; at least I don’t think I am.  True love to me is finding  a best friend that you are attracted to.   I don’t want the “cool guy” or “bad boy” — I want a real man.  A man not afraid to be himself.  This type of man does not live in the online dating world, at least I’ve yet to find him there.

Dreaming can be painful when I don’t know if that dream will ever come to be.   If I let myself dream, I see only what is missing.  But when I do let myself dream, I dream of love.