An Unexpected Turn Of Events

When it comes to matters of the heart, there are no rules.  However, as we age, starting new relationships become more and more difficult. We come with baggage; we’ve been hurt, and we are scared of letting ourselves love again.  

To be perfectly honest, I didn’t think I’d ever love again after leaving a very abussive relationship five years ago. I had turtles my feelings; no man had a chance of breaking through the shell I hid under. That all changed a couple months ago.  If you’ve been following my recent posts, you know the love story gone wrong.  I had given my heart to what I thought was the one, and he ended up running.  

He ran and I turtled.   My walls went up just as fast as they had come down with him. He hurt me, and I wasn’t willing to put up with any of it.  I was determined to move on as quickly as possible, so I hit the town and tried to distract myself.  It didn’t work.  I missed him so bad my body ached.  I spent all day yesterday crying over the loss.  

Longish story short, I sent him a message last night.  I didn’t expect a response, but I felt I owed it to myself to give him the opportunity to explain himself.  This morning at 6:00am, he replied: coffee?

This is what I wanted. Him to at least see me in person and talk to me.  We met and he apologized for the shitty way he handled his fears.  He likes me a lot and it freaked him out.  He asked for forgiveness. After telling him what I will not tolerate in a relationship and after coming to a mutual understanding, I forgave him. 

Time will tell if o made the right choice, but I have to try.  My heart wants him, and I think his wants me.  I’m going back with my eyes a little wider, and it will take some time for me to fully trust him again.  But I must be willing to help him carry his baggage because I need him to help me with mine. 

So the story continues…. let’s hope this time for good.  

Like a Record Baby

There has been very little writing happening from me lately, and not from a lack of trying.  Daily, I sit staring at the blank screen willing words to appear.  Some days, I write a couple of paragraphs, but hate what I’ve written and trash the post.  Other days, the blank screen stares back at me with judgement.  It’s beyond frustrating because I love to write.  There’s nothing better than finishing a post and hitting the publish button at the top of the screen.  Pure delight.  The problem, as usual, is my anxiety.

My anxiety shows itself in many different forms.  Sometimes it is excess worry over work or money.  Most times, I’m anxious without real reason.  Currently, I’m anxious about a new relationship.  The anxiety I’m experiencing right now is the most difficult to deal with, as it is mixed with happiness.  Yes, I know that sounds contradictory, but it is possible to be anxious and happy at the same time.  It’s confusing, but it’s possible.  I can go from elation to full panic attack at the drop of a hat.  Little things come up in this new relationship that send me into an anxious wreck.  Yet as soon as I talk it out with my new partner, I’m fine.  I’ve never in my life shared such a connection with a man.  He doesn’t get upset at me when I tell him my feelings.  He listens and finds ways to understand me.  Every day I’m falling harder and harder for him.

 

Image result for you spin me right round

 

So herein lies the problem.  Instead of ruminating about money or work, I have obsessive repetitious thoughts about a man.  Thoughts not appropriate for my blog posts.  Therefore, I have nothing to write about.  There has been very little else going on in my brain.  Time will settle my anxiousness, and I will once again be a “normal” girl.  Normal, of course, is relative.  Until then, my posts will be sparce and, more than likely, about him.  But only the non-X-rated things.  Those I am keeping for myself.

 

Change

Image result for Life's changing roads

 

Something happens to a person’s ability to think when they are in the throws of lust.  I, for one, experience concentration disturbances, and obsessive thoughts of the person I’m in lust with.  A new relationship is filled with excitement, anxiety, and most of all sleep deprivation.  It’s a miracle I’ve been able to do my job this past week.

The new man in my life works on the road Monday to Friday, but he came back early this week due to an air leak in his truck.  This means I will be hanging out with him tonight (a work night).  If I had not known he’d be home tonight, I’m sure today would have gone by as usual.  He, however, informed me of his early arrival last night, so today has been a tortuous waiting game.  After work, I have a fitness class to teach, and then it’s home to shower and prepare dinner.   I’ve invited him over for dinner and [Insert any dirty thought you’d like]

I seriously feel like I’ve won some kind of romantic lottery.   I must be in shock because life feels surreal.  A month ago, the most significant thing in my life was dealing with my anxiety disorder (as usual).  Today, I’m consumed by unfamiliar emotions that I wouldn’t trade for anything.  My life is about to take a new turn, and I can’t wait to see where this road goes.

Life is funny.  I had all but given up on love; I figured it wasn’t meant to be… and then there was HE.

 

 

Let Me Tell You A Story…

Midsection of Woman Holding Coffee Cup on Table

When I was a little girl, I dreamt of falling in love.  The fairytale kind filled with romance and butterflies.  At the age of 21, I was married to a nice man, but not the right man.  After the marriage ended, I had a string of terrible relationships that left me hurt and guarded.  My last relationship ended almost five years ago, and I’ve kept my heart under lock and key ever since.  That is until now.

A little over three weeks ago, I had what I thought would be another insignificant Tinder coffee date.  My hope for meeting “the one” has slowly dwindled these past five years, so I wasn’t expecting much from this meet up.  We met on a Sunday morning at my regular cafe.  He was sitting on the patio when I arrived, but I wasn’t sure he recognized me.  Just when I was going to walk by and go in, he stood up and said “hello”.  That voice!  Being as discreet as I could, I eyed him up as we walked to the counter to order our coffee.  Attractive, good shape, tattoo on one arm, dressed well, tall, dark, and handsome.  OH and great smile.

That morning we had coffee for two hours.  I didn’t want to leave him, but I was starving. When I told him I had to leave because I needed to eat lunch, he asked if I was going out somewhere for lunch.  I said I was, and I asked him if he wanted to join me.  “Yes”  He did.  I enjoyed spending time with him, but It was to early to determine what I thought of him as a potential partner.  He is a truck driver and out of town Monday to Friday, but he asked me if I’d be interested in having dinner with him next Saturday.  Plans were made, and we parted ways.

The following weekend, we had our dinner together.  We had some drink and laughs; he was easy to be with.  We made plans to go for a hike the following day.  He was a complete gentleman.  He had made no attempts to kiss me the first two weekends we spent together.  Our next weeked together involved dinner again on Saturday, and he came back to my place to play guitar and have drinks.  I let him sleep on the couch because he had been drinking… still he did not try to kiss me.  That Sunday we took a drive to a neighbouring town (2 hours away) to go shopping.   When he opened to door to the mall for me, he put his other hand on the small of my back to guide me in.  MY HEART FLUTTERED.  As we wandered from store to store, he would touch my low back, or hip just enough to show his interest.  When we returned to town, I invited him for dinner….

While I was preparing the meal, my anxiety decided to act up.  The music was too loud, he was talking, food was cooking — I could feel the panic rise in my chest.  When I asked him to lower the volume, he did right away, and I had to tell him about my anxiety.  He was caring and understanding.  When dinner was ready, we ate and then he stood up and walked over to my chair.  He leaned over me, and then….. he kissed me.  I have never in my life been kissed like that.  Firm but gentle, slow but eager… it still sends shivers down my spine when I think of it.

He left the next day for another week on the road, which then brings us to this past weekend.  There was no denying the physical attraction we had for each other.  We had so much fun together this weekend, and yes — we took it to the next level.  It was more than amazing.  He left on Monday, and since he left, I’ve been super anxious about my growing feelings for him.  If he didn’t text or call, I was worried he wasn’t feeling the same as I was… yesterday was bad, but I worked my way through my anxiety.  Then, at 8:35pm, he called.  He had been out of cell service all day, but he said he had been thinking of me non-stop.  He told me he really liked me, and it made him happy how much he liked me.  I admitted my fears, and he told me I had no reason to fear this — I believe him.  I feel so connected to him even though it’s only been a few weeks.   Time will tell if this is the one I’ve been waiting for.  For reasons I can’t explain, however, I believe he is.

I’m happy, and for the first time in a very long time, I’m excited about the future.  I’m not niave; I know love takes time.  I’m falling, however.  Falling for the most honest, beautiful man I’ve ever met.  This is the beginning of a new story — a love story.

Life’s Highway

Image result for Road trip

With the smell of love in the air, my world has shifted once again, and I’m struggling to keep myself on stable ground.

First of all “love” is an over-statement.  I’ve spent two weekends with a man who, so far, seems decent.  He drives truck Mon – Fri, so we hang out on weekends only.  Since my anxiety keeps me on a pretty tight schedule, this works well for me.  Although I still have to try and rearrange my weekends to make this happen.  Last weekend, I barely worked on my studies, and now I’m stressed about being behind.  I received an email last night from the gym I will be teaching at, and they want to have a two hour staff meeting this Sunday.  Not a big deal normally, but now I need to fit in house work, grocery shop, study, hang out with the man, go to the staff meeting, get to the gym, walk the dog, and get to my moms for dinner — all on Sunday before I start another crazy busy week at work.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about meeting someone.  It’s too early to say if it will get serious, but compared to the many dates I’ve had over the past five years — it’s looking good.  Five years.  I can’t believe I’ve been single for that long.  That’s a long time to get stuck in my ways.  It is going to take some serious work on my part to include another person in my life.  My life revolves around managing my anxiety disorder.  I rely heavily on routine.  Without it, I get overwhelmed.  Everything in my life is scheduled and organized — including my downtime.  I don’t relax until the work is done.  Routine and dating do not go hand-in-hand, unfortunately.

Romance requires a certain level of spontaneity.  Last minute weekend get-a-ways, unexpected sleep overs, breakfast in bed, surprise date nights…. you get the picture.  Love is hard for someone like me.  My reaction to a break in routine is severe anxiety — sometimes panic.  My mind won’t let go of what I “should be” doing; therefore, I spend the whole time feeling stressed out and unhappy.  I wish I were different, but I’m not.  Loving me takes a special kind of man.  Not that I’m unlovable — I’m actually a really nice and caring person.  But I need someone who can understand that life it difficult for me.  My mind works on overdrive daily, and it’s exhausting at time.  I call it the battle of the brain.  Constant check ins to ensure my thoughts are rational.  Ongoing internal reassurance that everything is ok — that it’s just my anxiety playing games with me.

My anxiety has played an unhelpful role in most of my past relationship.  I have a track record of picking the assholes.  The ones who see my anxiety as a means to manipulation.  I’ve picked these types in the past because I think it’s all I deserve.  I’m afraid the good ones won’t understand me, and I don’t want to be judged by a man I respect.  I’m working on changing these beliefs, however.  This guy is nice and decent, and I’ve already told him about my anxiety — he hasn’t run away yet.  There is no denying that I’m terrified of this going anywhere, but I’m also excited and hopeful that it does.  Life is a journey with no destination, and I need to learn how to sit back and enjoy the ride.

“Life is a highway, and I want to ride it all night long” — Tom Cochrane

 

 

Let Go. Just Be.

Image may contain: people sitting, living room, table and indoor

It’s 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning.   Like most weekend mornings, I’m sitting at my dining room table with my oatmeal and almond milk latte.  I’ve got a blanket wrapped around me, as I’m waiting for the house to warm up.  I turn the heat down at night because I get night sweats.  Across the room from me is my dog, Olivia, she’s an 11 pound Jack Russell/Shih Tzu, and she’s the light of my life.  She’s got her two front paws perched on the arm chair of the sofa.  She’s stretched herself as long as she can get, so she can get a good look at the birds outside the window.  She looks so content and happy.  11lbs — barely weight at all, yet she carries in her the most unconditional love I’ve ever known.

My place has the most amazing view of the city.  From where I’m sitting, I can see the mountains and the sleepy town nestled below.  There’s an urgency in me to get my day started, but I’m giving myself the permission to take a minute for me.  A minute to write, refect, and watch the world around me.  My studies, workout, and house renovations can wait an hour.

It’s these little pockets of time that matter in life.  The times you allow yourself to let go of everything to just be.  To breathe and enjoy the act of living.  This morning, I’m thankful for this time.  Soon I will run a bath and prepare myself for the day, but first one more cup of coffee.

 

Always On My Mind

Selective Blur on Woman Wearing Grey Shirt

I get the keys to my condo tomorrow, and I feel like I should be excited.  I am, undoubtably, anxious to get moved out of my rental.  However, my mind seems to be focused elsewhere right now.  I’ve got men on the brain, or should I say, I have a man on the brain.

A man that is always there in the background of my thoughts, but one I can never have.  When I hang out with this man, the thoughts get pushed right up to the very frontal part of my consciousness.  He is a younger man, and he is a coworker — and I admit, I’m a little in love with him.  Love might be a bit strong of a word… It’s more like a small crush with strong friendship feelings attached.

He is one of my best guy-buds, and we hang out from time to time.  Typically, once a month or once every other month we get together for drinks after work.  We start off by saying “just one”, but it always turns into a late night, and a next day hangover.  I had one of these hang outs this past Friday.  Hangover be damned, I love hanging out with him.  He’s funny, smart, extremely attractive, and he cares about me.  That kind of combination is hard to resist, but I do resist it and for good reason.

First off, his type: young, crazy, underweight.  ME: crazy, average weight (almost), old.  I’m not fat (although, I feel it most times), but I’m definitely not underweight. My body is starting to show evidence of gravity: not that I ever had perky tits.  For a woman of 42, I would say, I do pretty good.  But he is a 34 drop dead gorgeous specimen of a man.   He can pretty much have any woman he wants.  Even if he begged me, I don’t think I’d let him see me naked.  Secondly, he wants children, and he jumps from woman to woman.  He isn’t what I’m ultimately looking for.

That all said, when we are together, I feel happy.  He has no issues telling me he thinks I’m perfect.  Over drinks last week, he asked me if I’ve ever thought of him in a romantic way.  My walls, of course, went up, and I answered “No”.  Here was my opportunity to be honest with him, and I flaked.  The questions was a drunk one, and he didn’t mean anything by it.  But it was also a dangerous question.  We are friends, and we are coworkers.  Admitting feelings could ruin both relationships.  I did send him a text the next day.  I’m saving that conversation for another post.

For now, I’m left with endless thoughts of him.  With time the thoughts will fade again into the background… If only things were different.