Good-Bye Letter For An Asshole

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When a relationship ends, it is always better to find some type of closure.  Unfortunately, the man I was seeing didn’t give me that opportunity.  He simply sent a text saying he was confused about his feelings for his ex.  PERIOD.  Done.  I, of course, will not engage in a texting war over this, so we haven’t spoken since.  Now I’m left to my own devices to find closure.  Solution???? Blog it out.

This, I hope, will be the last post I write about the asshole who broke my heart.  He doesn’t deserve anymore screen time.  However, I need to get it out of my system, and my blog is as good as any place to vent.  I thought about writing and emailing a letter to him, but I don’t believe that will make me feel better.  If anything, it will feed his narcissistic arsehole needs.  I don’t know that he’s actually a narcissist; he’s given me no alternative but to guess why he behaved the way he did.  Anyway, I want to write him a letter even if he never sees it.  This is that letter:

Dear Asshole:

It doesn’t seem to matter how many of your type I meet, I’m still always surprised at how much of a dick people can be.  You came around pretending to be an honourable man with good intentions.  You told me I was beautiful, smart, funny, and amazing.  You sent me daily text messages and called me every night to tell me how much you were falling for me.  When I told you how scared I was to let my heart go, you promised you were not going anywhere.  You appeared to be the man I’ve been waiting for.  I trusted you.

I see now that it was all a game to you, and I was nothing more than food for your ego.  You strung me along with false promises and intentions, and then you carelessly tossed me aside when you were full.  You, sir, are a piece of shit.

Still, I hold my head up high and love myself.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable because I am a beautiful person deserving of love.  You may have abused that, but you did not damage me.  You made me stronger and more aware of just how loving I am.  You reminded me that I am capable of trusting and loving someone.  I may have given my love too freely, but I’m ok with that.  Just as easily as I gave my love, I take it back.

Lastly, I forgive you.  I don’t know your reasons for being a coward.  You have your own issues to deal with, and I wish you luck with them.  My only hope is that you do not hurt another loving soul in your journey to self discover.  Today, I have deleted all pictures of you, and day by day, the memory of you will become distant.  Please do not try and reach out to me in the future, as I will not be waiting for you.  I don’t care why you did what you did.  You didn’t show me the respect I deserve; therefore, you are no longer welcome in my heart.  GOODBYE dick head — I’m moving on.

 

Ain’t Nothing Gonna Break Me

A very wise man told me today that the most important thing we keep during heartbreak is a sense of self.  I couldn’t agree more.  With everything that has happened over the past four days, I can hold my head high and say I valued myself and my worth.

As mentioned in my last two posts, I’m currently dealing with a bit of a broken heart.  I met what I thought was the man of my dreams five weeks ago.  During those five weeks, this man convinced me he was falling for me and that he wasn’t going anywhere.  I believed him, but I was noticing how much he talked about his ex-girlfriend.  This past Friday, I asked him if he felt he was truly over her.  He looked me straight in the eyes and told me he was and that he was emotionally available for me.  Saturday he left town with a friend, and Sunday he sent me a text message that said he needed space.  Flip of a switch with no fucking warning.

Since then, he has messaged me twice by text.  Once to tell me the reason he needed space was to re-evaluate whether or not he was ready for a relationship.  He told me it was because of my question that he was now unsure.  The second message came this morning.  It basically said he didn’t know what to say to me.  He claims he might be confused, but he doesn’t want this to go any further until he is sure he won’t hurt me in the end.

My first reaction to everything was shock.  How does someone go from falling for you to not sure over night?  I don’t believe that is possible.  Once the shock wore off I felt very hurt.  Hurt that he just disappeared with only a text.  No phone call, no face to face.  A coward.  In between the hurt is anger.  Extreme anger.  I will not allow him to string me along.  If he doesn’t know what he wants then I’m not going to sit around and wait for him to figure it out.  I’ve sent him one text in return — I wrote:

“I don’t know how I feel now that this has happened.  If you want to talk to me about it then call me and we can try and sort it.  I won’t deal with this by text.”

I realize by sending this I’m giving him an ultimatum.  It was very hard for me to do this because deep down, I want this to work.  But the only way it will work is if he truly is over his ex, and he needs to be able to communicate with me — not by text.  I deserve better than a text message.  If it is over than so be it.  I will hurt, cry, and cry some more.  But one thing is for sure — I will get over it, and I will so by keeping my sense of self.  Thank you Mr. Devane for your kindness.  You are in my thoughts.

Soul Cry

For five years, I kept my heart under lock and key.  There was no way I was giving it up until I found what I was looking for.  I truly thought I had, but I was so very wrong.  My heart hurts so badly right now, I can barely breathe.  My red dry eyes burn from the river of tears that have flowed from them the last two days.  The beat of my heart is a thunderous boom in my head.  My muscles are wound so tight I’m afraid they are going to burst.  This is day two of my broken heart.

I feel foolish for feeling so hurt from a man I only dated for five weeks.  But I feel what I feel.  It has been so long since I’ve let my guard down, and I was happy.  He made me smile, and I enjoyed everything about him.  He told me he was falling hard for me, he made future plans with me, and I can still feel his touch when I close my eyes.  How could I have not seen this coming?  Yesterday out of the blue he told me he needed a moment to catch his breath.  I left him be, and this morning he sent another text (no phone call, just text).  He said I have made him question his readiness for a relationship.  He wonders if he isn’t fully over his last relationship, and that maybe he thinks about her too often.  My response: Nothing.

I’m not ready to respond.  I don’t know what to say to him.  One minute, I want to tell him it’s normal to question, the next I want to tell him to go fuck himself.  I want to yell at him for leading me on and allowing me to fall for him.  Thank him for being so careless with my heart.  But for now, I will say nothing.  He doesn’t deserve a response to a text message.  He didn’t respect me enough to call and talk to me about his feelings.

I’m so tired.  Exhaustion has taken over, but I know I will keep pushing myself.  I will push myself to the gym, and I will push myself to stay busy.  The pain will lessen, and I will survive.  Right now I hurt though.  Every single part of me is longing for him; my soul cries.   I miss him.

First Night of A Broken Heart

Five weeks.  That is how long it took me to fall for what I thought was the man of my dream.  One text message was all it took to break my heart.  

Friday he was in my bed — today he says he needs some time to put the last few weeks into perspective.   Monday he asked me to be his girlfriend, and he told me he was falling hard for me.  Today he needs a minute to catch his breath.  He wants to call me a in couple days.  

Maybe my anxiety changed his mind so quickly, or maybe he likes to be in control.  Whatever the case, he’s hurt me and the relationship. I’m not a toy.  You can’t put me aside for a couple days to decide if you want to keep playing with me.  You told me you knew what you wanted and that you were emotionally available for me.  You lied.  

Tears have fallen, and I’ve spent the day reliving all our conversations to try and figure out what I did wrong.  I’m exhausted and broken. I should not have let my guard down. I should not have let you in.  I need to sleep now. 

It Ain’t No Big Thing

“I went to a party last Saturday night, I didn’t get laid, I got in a fight ah ha… it ain’t no big thing…

But I know what I like.  I know I like dancing with you…. Ohhhh…. kiss me once.  Kiss me twice…. Come on pretty baby kiss me deadly.” – Lita Ford

This song has been playing non-stop in my head for two days straight.  Over and over — I sing along with Ms. Ford not even realizing it.  OK, I realized it, but I didn’t put any thought into it.  But let’s think about it.  Let’s ask the questions: Why?  Why, at any given time, do I have a song playing repeatedly in my head.   Hmmmmmmm.   Well maybe I play songs in my mind to drown out the noise of my thoughts.  Just a thought — I’m no shrink or anything.  But it make sense that I try to cover up my overly obnoxious anxious thoughts with 80s rock.  I’m anxious all the time, and it seems my new meds are not helping as much as I’d hoped for.  At least they don’t seem to be.  I’m not eating, and I’m stressed that I will somehow ruin things with the guy I’m seeing; It’s driving me crazy.  I know that my insecurities will be the cause of a break up if I can’t get my anxiety levels in check.

I fucking hate feeling like this, and I’m tired of going through life feeling sick to my stomach.  Yesterday I wrote about how happy I am.  I am happy.  But only when I’m sure things are ok with the new man.  If any doubt creeps in, I freak out and worry myself over nothing.  I mentioned yesterday that I couldn’t write because of my anxieties over this new relationship.  I had a comment from a reader telling me to just write what was in my head.  At first, I thought “well no kidding.”  I’d love to write about my thoughts, but that was the problem.  I couldn’t hear my thoughts.  Thanks Lita — Thanks a bunch.  Today, however, I’ve pressed the pause button and let myself hear. The voice in my head is a bit sneaky, but I figured her out.  SOOOOO

You want to know what is going on in my brain right now?  Let me tell you.  I am thinking about how much it will hurt me when RST (the man) breaks the news that we are over or that he is leaving.  I have extreme fear of abandonment.  I’m scared to love people because I can’t help but believe they will leave me.  I’m afraid of making a mistake or doing something wrong.  Where does this come from?  I can only assume it comes from having my dad leave when I was a little girl.  I remember the last time my dad lived in our family home.  I was about seven years old, and we lived in a town called Aldergrove, BC.  My memories are a bit scattered, but I remember seeing my dad at the top of the stairs playing a set of drums.  The next thing I remember is him yelling at my mom to get us (kids) out of the house because we were being too loud and he couldn’t practice.  My dad was always changing jobs and following his next dream.  His dream at the time was to start up a country band and become some big famous country star.  My dad had a vicious temper.  When he yelled at us, the neighbourhood could hear him, and a spanking was more like a beating to the behind.

I can still feel the heat in my face and the tingling sensation I felt through my body that day.  I know now that I was experiencing an anxiety attack.  I had them a lot, but I didn’t understand back then what they were.  I would get them anytime I did something wrong, or I should say, thought I did something wrong.   I was always afraid of messing up.

That day, my mom piled me and my younger siblings in the car, and she drove us to a local man-made lake.  It was a hot day, and she was crying.  I don’t remember our time at the lake, but I remember coming home to find out my dad had left us.  He left us, and it was my fault.  I wasn’t good enough.  He didn’t love me enough, so it was my fault my mom was hurting so bad.

My mom, of course, did not blame me.  But as a kid, you see things through different eyes.  My dad never accepted me.  I was always too fat, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not talented enough… and if he was sad because he missed us – he blamed us.  I don’t have anything to do with him now, but that doesn’t change the damage he caused.  It’s hard to fix childhood trauma.  I don’t hate or even blame my family for who I am.  I accept it, and I do everything I can to be the best me.  That doesn’t mean, however, that I don’t wish things had been different.  That I had been born to a father who loved me unconditionally.  But I wasn’t and there’s nothing I can do to change that. Them’s the breaks.  This is my life, and all I can do is play the cards I’ve been dealt.  I’m doing my best to let go in this relationship.  I am who I am, and all I can do is hope for the best.

So there it is.  The hidden message behind the music.  Maybe now that I’ve let it be heard, I can let it go.  And unlike Lita — I hope to get laid both Friday and Saturday night — cause I know what I like.

Like a Record Baby

There has been very little writing happening from me lately, and not from a lack of trying.  Daily, I sit staring at the blank screen willing words to appear.  Some days, I write a couple of paragraphs, but hate what I’ve written and trash the post.  Other days, the blank screen stares back at me with judgement.  It’s beyond frustrating because I love to write.  There’s nothing better than finishing a post and hitting the publish button at the top of the screen.  Pure delight.  The problem, as usual, is my anxiety.

My anxiety shows itself in many different forms.  Sometimes it is excess worry over work or money.  Most times, I’m anxious without real reason.  Currently, I’m anxious about a new relationship.  The anxiety I’m experiencing right now is the most difficult to deal with, as it is mixed with happiness.  Yes, I know that sounds contradictory, but it is possible to be anxious and happy at the same time.  It’s confusing, but it’s possible.  I can go from elation to full panic attack at the drop of a hat.  Little things come up in this new relationship that send me into an anxious wreck.  Yet as soon as I talk it out with my new partner, I’m fine.  I’ve never in my life shared such a connection with a man.  He doesn’t get upset at me when I tell him my feelings.  He listens and finds ways to understand me.  Every day I’m falling harder and harder for him.

 

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So herein lies the problem.  Instead of ruminating about money or work, I have obsessive repetitious thoughts about a man.  Thoughts not appropriate for my blog posts.  Therefore, I have nothing to write about.  There has been very little else going on in my brain.  Time will settle my anxiousness, and I will once again be a “normal” girl.  Normal, of course, is relative.  Until then, my posts will be sparce and, more than likely, about him.  But only the non-X-rated things.  Those I am keeping for myself.

 

Fast Car

Falling in love is like getting behind the wheel of a fast car, blind folder, and punching the gas pedal to the floor — it’s a rush for sure.  One that I haven’t felt in so long, and now that it’s happening I can’t stop my head from spinning.  My world changed and all it took was a swipe to the right.

It’s been a little over a month since I met my guy; let’s call him RST.  I met him shortly after deciding to go back on my anxiety medication.  It’s unlikely there is a correlation between the two events, but it’s possible the medication made it possible for me to go on a second date.  Prior to meeting RST, I had been suffering pretty bad from my anxiety.  Depression was looming, and I was self-medicating with wine on a nightly basis.  It was desperation that made me pick up the phone and dial my doctor’s office.  Nine months after coming of my anxiety meds, and I was throwing in the towel.  I wasn’t coping off the meds, so I sucked up my pride and asked for help.

That was seven weeks ago, and I’m at a much better place today then I was back then.  I had a visit with my doctor on Tuesday to discuss my progress, and he said my mood is like night and day.  Major improvement — yeah me.  This doesn’t mean I’m anxiety free; I should be so lucky.  NOPE.  I still have anxiety, and the new relationship is part to blame.  It’s a great relationship, don’t get me wrong.  He is an amazing man, and I haven’t seen one red flag to date.  That’s the problem.  I’m falling and falling hard.  It’s scary as hell, but I’m doing it.  I’m letting go and taking the risk.  My heart has found it’s match, and I have never in my life known this more surely than I do with him.  If I’m wrong and I end up with a broken heart, so be it.

Finding the words to express myself lately has been a challenge.  I’m sure once my head comes down from the clouds, I will be able to think a little more clearly.  Until then, I will do my best to make blog appearances from time to time.