MY Unusual Holiday

  
When you think “holiday season”, you typically envision parties, family gatherings, friend meet ups etc etc.  The holidays are meant for spending time with loved ones, while eating fattening foods and drinking large amounts of alcoholic beverages.  

I love the holidays. BUT this year was not a typical year.  I did get to spend Christmas with family, but it was a quick dinner and honestly I wasn’t feeling it.  

I’m in transition.  I moved into a rental one week before the holidays, and I’m working my ass off to make a deal go through for my new home.  I’m living out of boxes in the basement suite of my best friends home.  Because she has teenage kids that stay up playing video games until 4am, I haven’t slept in two weeks.  

I watched the holidays happen; I went through the motions, but I feel like they passed me right by. This only made being alone at Christmas that much harder.  

I haven’t written since before the holidays.  Mostly because I am off work for the week, but also because I’m feeling lonely.  Another year come and gone–  spent alone. 

Maybe 2017 is the year. A new home and if the stars align, just maybe a new love. My heart is ready. 

I will be back to my daily writing right after New Year. I miss you all. 

Money Makes Living Hell

Money, money, money, brings anxiety to town. Expenses lurk in darkness waiting to bring their stress inducing face to light.  

Life is one big money pit that pulls you down, down to the middle of hell. You dig your claws in, hoping to remain above water.  But soon you drown. Farther.  Down.

Blackness everywhere.   No escaping the financial stress of breathing daily. 

Fuck it.  

Ride of My Life

“It’s never too late to change your life for the better. You don’t have to take huge steps to change your life. Making even the smallest changes to your daily routine can make a big difference to your life.”

Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

 

Image result for A year of Change

What a ride 2016 has been.  If I look back over the year, I am amazed at how my life has changed.

At the beginning of 2012, me and my ex-boyfriend ended our relationship.  More accurately, I kicked his lying, cheating, abusive ass to the curb.  However, because I am a soft hearted woman, I allowed a friendship to linger for 3 more years.  Over the Christmas break last year, he broke the news to me that he was seeing someone.  It turns out that he had actually gotten someone pregnant, and so after one month of dating they were living together.  That was all it took for me to finally rid him of my life.  He took not only my self-esteem during our relationship, but also $40,000.  YES, good riddance.

At the beginning of January, I began my business program online through our local university.  It hasn’t been easy focusing on school work while working a full-time job.  Because I needed time for studying, I shut down my side fitness business.  12 years of personal training and fitness classes was enough.  I didn’t quit completely — I kept one class at the local YMCA, just to keep me in the loop.

At the beginning of summer, I made the decision to wean off a 10 year stint of anti-anxiety medication.  I was convinced that the medication wasn’t working anymore, and I was sure that my lack of sex-drive was a result of the medication.  The weaning process was really hard, but I think I’m through the worst of it.  Sex-drive is undetermined, as I haven’t found anyone I like enough to try it out on.  That is on my 2017 to-do list.

At the beginning of fall, I put my house up for sale.  It sold in a month, and I was on the hunt for a new home.  I’ve since moved into a small rental while I wait for the details of my new condo purchase to be finalized.  This brings me to today.  The person sitting in front of this computer screen is not the same person that rung in New Years 2016.  The girl who sits here today has stepped out of her hiding place.  She’s forced herself to face her fear of living.  She’s still afraid, but she’s learning to be ok with fear.  I’ve let too much of my life pass me by because I wanted to feel comfort.  I was comfortable with the shit in life because it was the shit I knew.  No more.

My only hope for 2017 is to not allow myself to dig a new hole.  I need to stay above ground and live my life.  Good or bad: it’s the only one I get.

This blog is another 2016 first, and I hope to continue writing for years to come.  Thank you to all those who take the time to read my posts.  More importantly, thank you for your kind comments.  So many of you are going through hard times in life, and this Christmas will be difficult for you.  You are all in my thoughts and prayers — I wish you all the best for 2017.

A Week of Christmas

All moved in to my temporary home.  I have an accepted offer on a condo that I will be moving in to at the end of January.  There are subjects to remove and renovation contractors to interview, but this week I’m going to try to slow down and have Christmas. 

One week.  I’m going to try and relax for this one week. 

  

 I’m not unpacking– but I did put up the tree. 

I’m hoping for a little peace on earth for just one week.

2 Nights

The agony of walking through these unfamiliar yet memorized halls is more than I can take.  There’s a void in my heart. 

I’ve taken refuge in these walls for ten years.  My anxiety hidden from the world.  Now the walls come down and I am forced to face what lies ahead — the unknown.  

The fear is painful. I want to hold onto what is mine for only a moment longer. Why must everything always leave?  Lovers, friends, family and homes.  There is only ever one that stays: me.  

Time to lay my head down and remember all that’s been. A prayer said to release the sadness of a passing life.  

Amen

REV Me UP

If you don’t use it you lose it.  SEX, I’m talking about sex.  S. E. X. — SEX.  God do I miss having sex.  I don’t know if this goes for everyone, just women, or just me, but a lack of sex has dramatically reduced my natural sex drive, which used to be extremely healthy.   For years I thought it was my age, but when other women my age told me how horny they were, I dismissed that idea.  I then assumed it was the anxiety medication, but I stopped taking my meds five months ago, and I’m still NOT rubbing up against the washer during the spin cycle.  Therefore, it’s got to be the lack of sex that is killing the drive, or….

I have another theory.  This theory is based on a sudden increase in my desire to jump some bones.  With all the change that is going on in my life, my anxiety has been really bad.  I had a mild panic attack this morning, and I don’t even know what brought it on.  What I do know is that all this anxiety is a result of me pushing myself out of my comfort zone.  It doesn’t feel good, but I do think it is long overdue.  These last few final days in my home have been super emotional for me.  So mix endorphins from the anxiety to some bittersweet emotions, and Voila — you got Ms. Horny Pants.

Coming off the medication wasn’t enough to kick start my drive.  I needed to push myself so I could feel INTENSELY.  It seems extreme emotions rev me up — who knew.  Only problem I have now is where I will be moving.  My temporary home is in my best friends basement suite.  It’s not overly private, and my friends 15 year old boy’s room is right outside one of the entrances to my suite.  This is an issue unless they have come up with some kind of silencer for vibraters.

On that note, I’m off to look at another house.  Wish me luck!

Frozen in Time

It’s still dark outside, and the snow has been falling all night.  It’s a winter wonderland; perfect for Christmas.  I’m tucked in my bed with my dog laying at my side.  Coo-coo-ca-choo Mrs. Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you will know…. wo wo wo… 

This is my last Sunday in my home.  Seven short days before I move on to the next chapter of my life.  A new beginning.  I do declare I was so lonesome I took some comfort there…Lie la lie….. 

The voices of Simon and Garfunkel are the soundtrack to this morning’s memory lane trip.  Do da do do feeling groovy… Folk voices envolking happy/sad tears.  Hello darkness my old friend….When I get out of bed, my bittersweet emotions will leave way for my “get shit done” state.  I packed and cleaned all day yesterday, and then I went on a date.

Date review: Meh… average.  Very nice guy.  Courteous — hold the door open type.  Conversation, however, not intriguing. Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme…. 

Home where my thought’s escaping, home where my music’s playing….This is one of those moments that I wish I could stay in forever.  A brief pocket of time when I don’t want to let go… when tears are in your eyes….Saying goodbye is hard.

I went over to my neighbours yesterday, and we reminisced over our time together.  I will miss them.  I will miss this life even though I know I need the change.  AND sailing right behind, like a bridge over troubled water….

Now, I will take 5.  Eyes closed — feeling the voice of Disturbed’s rendition of a classic.