A Mini Mind Battle Story

  Has the world found me out?  Can they see the chaos inside my head?  Too much static; I can’t hear myself.  The fog is thick; I’m losing hold of reality — here they come… One, two, three worry warriors. Their coming, coming after me.  

My shields are down; I’ve nowhere to hide.  I’m visible; the real me — now everyone can see.  I want to hide away, and let no one find me.  I’ll hide myself so they can’t see.  

Stop!  Breathe; now breathe again.  Remove all thoughts because you can. Don’t let them in — you’re powerful; you are strong.  You don’t need to hear them; you don’t need to see. Give time a chance, and you will see that all your worries: one, two and three can be released and you’ll be free. 

Fighting anxiety, or any mental health disorder can be a constant internal battle. I chose to fight because I will win!

A Picture Say’s A Thousand Words

Pictures are meant to keep our memories alive forever.  I have a shoe box of pictures, most of which were taken by my ex-husband.  I was sifting through my photo box the other day, and it occured to me that I do not have one printed picture of my life from the last 10 years.  I don’t even own a camera except for the one on my iPhone.  My computer is my new shoe box, and honestly it’s not the same.

I realize that my digital photos can easily be sent in for printing, but looking through my online photo album, I’m not sure I would bother.  There are maybe a handful of pictures of my family, friends and dog worth considering, but the shots are not that great.  Most of them you can’t even tell why I was taking the picture in the first place.   I have also notice that besides “selfies,” none of these pictures include me.  I’m not saying that to be vein, but it’s difficult to remember the events if I can’t picture myself there.

When I was married, my husband and I were diligent about capturing special moments on film (with an actual camera).  We had pictures of birthday parties, New Years Parties, Christmas gatherings, vacations, weddings, etc etc.  I was an active participant in most of these pictures, and I love looking back and remembering just how I was feeling when those pictures were taken.  Even though I am not married anymore, I hold on to these pictures as reminders of some wonderful times.

Scrolling through my phones camera roll, I realize my pictures consist of my dog,  the neat design made in my coffee foam, the stack of books I’m about to read, and several unpostable selfies.   Not one picture resemble anything like what I have in my old shoebox of prints.   It has me wondering why this is.  Is it because I’m single, and I have no one to share my special memories with?  Or is it because the convenience of phone photography has changed what moments we want to capture?  I can’t say I ever remember taking a selfie with my Canon digital camera, yet I have more than I’d like to admit on my laptop and phone.

My old pictures definately say a thousand words.  They say, “look at me living, loving, and enjoying life.”  I’m still living, loving, and enjoying life – maybe  a bit differently, but just as equally.  However, this has not been capture on film for me to keep as momentos.  This, I have decided, needs to change.  I am making it a new goal to bring memory keeping photography back into my life.  I’m not sure exactly how yet, but I will find a way (and it won’t be with a selfie stick).