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Dear Rejection

Dear Rejection,

It was very nice seeing you this weekend, and I hope you enjoyed your stay.  I hope you don’t mind my bluntness when I say “you scare me.”

Please don’t take that the wrong way, as I know you mean well.  However, whenever there’s a chance of seeing you, I second guess myself.  Even though we have known each other for years, your presence still unnerves me.  When you are here, I question my self-worth, and I wish I had never tried or reached out at all.

I know we are close, as you have played a big role in both my personal and professional life.  How many times have you been there when I’ve applied for a new job, gone on a blind date, or shared a new blog post?  I’ve lost count, but I know it’s been a lot.  For all the times you’ve been there for me, I feel I haven’t given you the credit you deserve.

Yes, you scare me, but you also make me strong.  It’s because of you that I try harder and push myself.  It’s because of you that I have learned who I am, and what I want in life.  I have you to thank for redirecting me when I’ve gone off course, as you are better at directions than I.

I’m sorry for the times I have blamed you for my own self-abuse.  It is not you critisizing me when I don’t get a job, or when a partner leaves me; I do that to myself.  All you were doing was closing a door behind me to prepared me for the door ahead.  So thank you.  Thank you for steering me in the right direction, even when it doesn’t feel like it.  I’d like to say that I won’t be afraid of our next visit, but that would be a lie.  However, you are always welcome because I realize you only have my best interest at heart.

Warmest Regards

K.K.

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”   – Dita Von Teese

Egocentric Predicament

Egocentric Predicament was coined by Philosopher Ralph Barton Perry in the Journal of Philosophy, Psychology, and Scientific Methods.   According to Oxfordreference.com, “The predicament is the fact that we are each limited or confined to our own perceptual world. This may seem either highly significant and tragic, or tautologous.”

I am not a student of philosphy; however, I am fasinated by this theory.  Oddly, my first realization of limited or differing perception was after my first teenage breakup.  Before then, it had never crossed my mind that people viewed the world differently than I did.  I clearly remember thinking to myself, “Why does he want to break up?” “We are so in love with each other.”  I was unable to recognize the difference in our perception of the relationship. I was convinced he was just confused, and he would soon realize his mistake. Teenage love — so dramatic and tortuous.  When he didn’t come back confessing his undying love for me, I was forced into the realization of differing realities.   For the first time in my life, I felt lonely.  I felt a disconnect from everyone and everything; I felt lost.

As a grown woman, I have matured and now see our separation as independance.  We each are given a unique world; one that no one else will ever know.  We can share our 35cake.jpgexperiences with each other, but how we interpret each other’s experiences will be based on our own viewpoint.   Everyones story is different and special in its own way.  With maturity comes tolerance, respect, and acceptance.  However, independance can, at times, still make me feel alone; to feel different can be isolating.

I suppose this is just one of life’s many complexities. To celebrate individuality, yet desire to belong and be understood.

 

 

“In the end we are all separate: our stories, no matter how similar, come to a fork and diverge. We are drawn to each other because of our similarities, but it is our differences we must learn to respect.” – Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

 

 

 

 

 

Forgotten Sensations

Adjusting to my new medication has been interesting.  The fact that I’m awake at 9pm, and writing this post, for instance, would not have happened a week ago.  However, it’s been a week since I’ve written anything at all, and not because I haven’t tried.  I’ve sat in front of my computer every day for the past week with only brief moments of focus.  A frustrating side-effect that I hope is temporary.   I’ve also had random burst of high energy followed by extreme fatigue.  Although the fatigue does not make me sleep.  Instead, I just feel tired and spaced out.  I have had periods of my day spent staring at the wall without realizing I haven’t moved or even thought for 20 minutes.  Strangely, I’ve found that side-effect to be relaxing.  I can’t remember the last time that I wasn’t acutely aware of every thought running through my head.

Over the past couple days, I’ve been extremely relax.  No anxiety and no depression.  All my senses seem to be hightened as well, especially my sense of touch.  I’m interested to see how my mind and body adjust to this drug over the long run.  Besides a lack of creativity, I’m happy with the small changes.  Part of me though wonders if I’m experiencing small glimpses of myself without drugs.  I have completely weaned myself off my old drug — successfully.  Very little withdrawal, and my anxiety did not increase except for the first day.  So I wonder, am I feeling myself?  The person underneath the medication.  I’ve been medicated for over 11 years, so I’m not sure I’d recognize her if I saw her.

What if my medications have deadened me, and for the first time in years I feel alive?  Will that go away once the new medication is in full affect?  What would happen after all these years if I decided to just stop taking my meds?   These are questions I’ve been asking myself for the last two days.

I’ve promised myself to continue on the new meds for at least a month and see what happens.  Well my laptop just died, and I had to get out of bed to plug it in, so I guess that means bedtime.  I’m not sure if anything I’ve written tonight even makes any sense, but it least I wrote something.  Tonight, I’m thankful for experiencing some long forgotten sensations that I hope are back to stay.

Welcome To My Crazy

The follow-up visit to my doctor yesterday resulted in a change to my anxiety medication.  Walking out of his office with prescription in hand, I felt excited about some possible change.  My current meds work just fine for treating my anxiety; however, my non-existent libido is ready to move on.  My excitement soon turned to anxiety this morning sortly after taking the new drug.  I’d forgotten what it was like to introduce something new into my system.

It was eight years ago that I was put on my previous meds.  After several failed attempts with other anti-depressants, I was happy with my stabilized moods.  I’m concerned now that I will be trading my “normal-self” in for my “crazy-self” all for the sake of sex.  I have no idea how these meds are going to affect me, but I do know that the first symptoms were pretty nerve-wracking.  Within the first hour of taking them, I experienced rapid heart-rate, disorientation, confusion, and then just plain spaciness.  Most of the symptoms have calmed down throughout the day, so I’m hoping for the best.

I’ve had some pretty bad reactions to certain drugs in the past: increased anxiety, agitation, aggression, depression, just to name a few.  I’m praying for a good reaction to my new drug; however, I’m nervous.  I have that “What have I done” feeling, and I can’t shake it.  I know this is only day one, so I’m trying hard to relax and wait and see.  I’m heading into a three-day long weekend, which gives me some sense of relief.  Being at work while my body adjusts to the new medication feels torturous.  It’s pretty hard to focus on anything for more than 30 seconds right now — fish brain.  I’m not even sure if what I’m writing makes any sense.  Usually there are thousands of thoughts running through my brain at one time, but right now there seems to be nothing.  Nothing that I can hold onto anyway.  A thought will come to me, and then it’s gone before I can compute it — super frustrating.

Maybe a good long work-out will shake my brain back into working order.  ______________________________________________________right there, I spent 5 minutes staring at my screen with absolutely nothing going on in my head…………and there I go again.

I’m going to cross my fingers and hope for the best.  At least I get to spend the next three days doing whatever I want.

 

 

 

 

Your Profile Name Say’s it All

Curiosity has bitten me right on the behind this morning. What am I curious about you might ask?  Well let me tell you.  As a fairly inquisitive person, my thoughts have wondered to the minds of today’s single men.  To be perfectly honest, I’m completely perplexed by their behaviour.  Of course being a woman, it’s logical that I will not totally relate to the opposite sex; however, still I wonder.

I, like many single women, have an online dating profile because I hope to someday meet the man of my dreams.  If anyone has ever experienced online dating, you will probably agree that this is likely not the best platform for meeting Mr. Right.  But, one never knows.  I’ve chatted with many different types of men over my last few single years, and by this point, I can generally tell what type of guy the person is by his profile name.

Let’s look at just a few of the profile names that popped up this morning:

Bigbluzucchini – This is a man, who I can only assume is referring to himself as a large blue penis.

YoungBuck69 – Here we have a young boy looking for a cougar.  No thank you; I’ll pass.

Lovetofrolic6969 – I need not explain, as I’m sure you get the picture here.

Sunnybunnyday – This one confuses me a little.  Does he mean he is like a happy bunny?  If so, that’s just weird.

Rideon2016 – definately, a Harley guy.  Good for him.

Readytomoveon – No, no you are not.  If you are using this phrase as your profile name, it’s clear you are only trying to convince yourself.

Nocrazybitches – This man obviously is a jerk, who drives woman to craziness.  Personally, the only time I turn into a crazy bitch is when I’m dating a complete A’hole to begin with.

Jackrabbit2020 – I’m sorry guys, but woman don’t really like it when you hump like a rabbit.

HSV0101 – For those of you who do not know wht HSV stands for, it’s Herpies.  Not exactly marraige material.

Romancingthebone – Oh please… this is not original.

As you can see, profile names can really say a lot.

Men, I understand that it can be a challenge to come up with a unique profile name.  You all want to stand out in the crowd, and I applaud you for not picking your last name followed by your birth year.  However, who exactly are you trying to attract on this site?  Have you considered your audience when preparing your profile?  Have any of you ever actually met a real woman?  If so, do you really think your profile name is going to impress them?

What really has me confused is that half of these men claim to be looking for something serious.  Many of them comment “no games please” or “looking for a quality woman” in their profiles.  I guess it is possible that these guys are completely clueless, and they don’t realize the image they are portraying.  Again, I am a woman, so I can’t really comment on how a man’s brain works.  What I wouldn’t give to go back to the old days of dating.  Back to before I was married, and meeting a man happened in person.  Oh well — such is life!  Eventually, Mr. Greatguyforyou will come along, and my time spent in the online dating world will be a distant memory.

 

 

How To Lose a Guy in One Date

No date should start with “Omg, I think I’m going to be sick.”  Sunday morning, however, that is exactly how my date began.  Thank god, we were seated in the booth located right beside the bathroom.  The look on my poor dates face when I jumped from my chair and ran to the bathroom was nothing short of horror.  Bless his heart, he was still waiting for me when I returned.

Now, let me clarify that my date had nothing to do with my nausea; he was a perfectly nice man.  My Sunday illness was totally self-inflicted, as I was suffering from a bad case of heat exhaustion.  We had fairly warm tempatures over the weekend, and on Saturday I decided to go for a 10km run along the river.  Normally, I would run in the morning to beat the heat, but on that day, the time had gotten away from me.  With a belly full of oatmeal and coffee, I started my run at 11:00am.  By the time I finished, it was just before noon, and the tempatures were pushing 30c.  Instead of cooling down and re-hydrating myself, I went straight to the coffee shop to read my book.  I ordered my usual 16oz almond milk latte and a piece of banana bread.  The coffee didn’t sit well, but I didn’t listen to my body.

Red Faced and Drinking Coffee — Smart Move???

Feeling a bit ill, I drove up to the garden center and spend an hour in the sun looking at flowers and herbs. I hopped from store to store picking up potting soil, a hanging basket bracket, and a six pack of beer.  I arrived home at 2pm and immediately started planting my garden.  Like any normal person, I poured myself a nice cold glass of beer after working out in the yard.  I drank two beer within a matter of 20 minutes; you’d think I’d realize that maybe I was thristy, and water would be a smart decision (blonde moment).  As soon as I finished my second beer, I felt tired.  I laid down on the couch with the intention of taking a quick 20 minute nap, which ended up being a 2 hour sleep.

When I woke up, I realize what I had done.  I was completely disoriented and my head was pounding.  I stumbled into my kitchen and tried to down a couple of glasses of water, but my stomach wasn’t having it.  My body was burning up, yet I felt cold and weak.  I ran a warm bath, while keeping a cold cloth on the back of my neck.  This made it worse!  I ended up in bed by 8:30pm with no dinner and still no water in my system.

I woke unusually late Sunday morning (8:30am) still feeling like total crap. I figured it was most likely dehydration, so I slowly drank a glass of water while I checked my online dating messages.  I had a message from “chevytrucksrules” asking me if I wanted to meet up for a coffee.  “Great Idea”, I think to myself.  Some food and coffee would surely cure my headache.  Thinking I was being smart, I drank another glass of water and droved to the cafe.

I arrived first, so I ordered a muffin and a coffee and waiting for him to arrive.  By the time he got there, I had finished my breakfast, and I was half way done my coffee.  We talked for about 30 minutes or so when I felt my face go clammy and my stomach start to turn.  Oh dear god… I’ve already told you what happened next.  I politely explained my situation and told him I needed to go home.  He was such a gentleman; he even offered to come by my house later than day to change my winter tires over to summers.  Unfortunately, the rest of my day was spent in bed.

I completely know better than to let myself get dehydrated, but on Saturday I must have left my brain at home.  Today, I’m a bit better;however, I’m still pretty tired.  LESSON Learned for sure.  No beer until I’ve fully rehydrated myself…

My Chevy actually did message me today, and he even asked me out for another coffee, so I guess he isn’t turned off by a woman who can’t hold down her breakfast.  I’m going to give myself a day or so before taking him up on his offer though.  To all the Singles ladies and gents. out there — Do not forget to drink your water.