Attract This !#@

“You attract what you put out there.”

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These are the words of advice I received from an acquaintance regarding my unpleasant dating experiences.  Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, but some people should keep their options to themselves.   I personally take offense to this useless piece of love advice, and here’s why.

First, I think it is completely ignorant to tell someone they attract (ask for) inappropriate behaviour from the opposite sex.  How exactly am I attracting this in my life?  Because I use dating sites to meet men, does that mean I’m asking for it?  I don’t believe it does.   If what she meant was a LAW OF ATTRACTION type scenerio, then she’s wrong.  I most definitely have not told the universe that I want to meet rude, disrespectful men.  Nope I did not do that.  I wonder if she meant that I’m rude and disrespectful; therefore, that’s what I’m attracting?  If that’s the case, I’m deeply hurt.  I pride myself on being kind, respectful, and caring.

Secondly, I don’t believe there is some magic formula to finding love.  If you do this and that, or that and this, you will meet the one….bullshit.  My personal experiences with falling in love all happened by chance.  Right place; right time.  I put myself out there the best I can, and all I can do is hope for the best.  I have no interest in changing myself or my behaviours in an effort to meet someone.

It is completely rude to insinuate that I am flawed; therefore, I won’t find love.  We are all different, and our life experiences will vary from one another.  I believe in being me.  I am not perfect, but I am a good person who deserves to be treated the same way I treat others.  If that isn’t good enough, so be it.

 

 

Life is a Battlefield

Grayscale Photography of Woman Wearing 3 Fourth Sleeve Shirt While Holding a Pistol

“We are all fighting our own battles in life” — Smartgirl

Addiction is just another way of saying “there is something controlling me.”  I’ve been controlled by many things: food or lack of it, alcohol, drugs, sex, cigarettes, and last but not least Nicorette (nicotine gum).  I typically jump from crutch to crutch, but nicorette has by far been my longest standing addiction to date. Three weeks ago, I gave it up again.

I seem to be on a cleansing kick — quit my meds; quit my gum.  How Zen of me!!!

This isn’t my first time coming off the gum.  I’ve been on and off it since I quit smoking over 12 years ago.  If it didn’t cost so much money, I don’t think I would be trying to quit again.  I hate being off of it. Now that I’ve quit, I’m chewing between 2 to 3 packs of regular gum a day and I’m craving sweets.  NOT GOOD.  Anything that increases my appetite is an enemy of mine, but my gum chewing habit has to go —  I can’t afford the $60/week habit any longer.

I have always suffered from a constant feeling of needing something.  I have a hard time centering myself without some type of aid. Basically, my brain needs a constant; otherwise, I feel restless and unable to focus.  Meditation and calming exercises help, but only for the short-term: as long as I am doing them.  I’ve yet to find a job that allows for repeated meditation breaks.

My life feels like a constant battle of trying to not do things.  Don’t eat too much, don’t drink too much, stop smoking, stop chewing gum, stop spending too much money, stop worrying so much…. it gets tiring.  I’m tired today.

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Tomorrow is a new day, however, and I can only hope to feel more alert and less restless.  On a very positive note, my toes look amazing after my mom and my spa visit last night.   We had a 55 min swedish massage followed by a 55 min pedi — it was magnificent.

 

Mad Mom Love

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I Love My MOMMY.

My mother has a more gentle loving soul of any human being I’ve ever met.  She gives of herself to anyone who asks, and she takes nothing in return.  The best thing about my mom is how much she loves me.

I have never really confided in my mom the troubles I have with my anxiety and depression.  Not because I don’t trust her, but because I’m afraid she will feel it’s her fault.  That’s the kind of woman she is.  If I hurt, she feels responsible.  When I made the choice to discontinue my medication, however, I did turn to her.  She’s watched me cry; she’s listen to my pleas for the pain to end, and she’s loved me hard through it all.  I love my mom, and she loves me.

Tonight is mother/daughter night.  I may be turning 42, but I’m not too old to hang out with my mom.  I’m meeting her at a taco bar right after work, and then we have an evening booked at the spa.  She planned this outting because she wants to make me feel better.  She can’t fully understand my struggles, and I’m glad she can’t.  I don’t want her to feel what I feel.  I want her to feel only love and happiness — she’s suffered enough of her own pain in the past.  No words can describe how much I appreciate everything she does for me.  She thinks it’s nothing: I think it’s everything.

The love I have for my mother fills my heart like nothing else.  Tonight I will be in the company of the greatest woman on earth.

 

 

The Black Cat Blue Sea Award

I’ve received a nomination for the Black Cat Blue Sea Award from a very talented writer at decodingbipolar.com.  Thank you so much for the nomination — this is only my second award nomination, so I’m feeling very flattered.

I had to do some searching to find out what this award was created for, and this is what I was able to find:

This award is for bloggers who strive to write for everybody, and no matter how many viewers they get, make an impact on a reader. This award is an expression of gratitude to the nominee. It should be awarded to anybody that you choose deserves it, and it doesn’t mean that they must have hundreds of followers and likes.

The rules for the nomination are as follows:

Rules:

  • Anybody nominated can nominate eight other bloggers.
  • The nominee answers three questions posted by the nominator.
  • The questions you ask while nominating can be any three questions.

If any of the questions asked are offensive or the nominee simply does not want to answer, the nominee does not have to answer them to earn the award.

My Answers:

1.Name a character you identify with, and explain why. It can be from a book, film, TV, etc.

I tend to identify with any female character who take on the tough girl role.  I hide my feelings behind a wall of stubborn strength.  Most people who know me would describe me as driven, strong, and determined; however, most of the time, I feel lonely and scared.

2.Why did you create your blog? What do you hope to accomplish?

I created my blog because it was a requirement of the writing course I was taking at the time.  My only goal was to become a better writer.   I had no idea what the blog world was like, and I truly feel lucky to have met so many talented and inspirational writers.

3. You are given a time machine that can be used once (round trip). What would you do with it?

I’d travel back to my wedding day.  I’ve been divorced for over 10 years now, but my wedding day was the happiest day of my life.  I loved my ex-husband, and on that day we had our whole lives in front of us.  We were surrounded by loved ones; some of which are no longer with us today.  I know this is a strange answer, but this is what I would do with it.

I nominate the following bloggers:

https://theorderofthedog.wordpress.com/

https://thewritingoflife.wordpress.com/

https://ajourneyto.wordpress.com/

https://alifeofmentalillness.com/

https://musingsfromatangledmind.com/

https://endsandbeginningsblog.wordpress.com/

https://lifeasiinterpret.wordpress.com/

https://bizarrelovetriangleblog.wordpress.com

I’d love to nominate more writers, but I am only allowed eight.

My questions to my nominees:

  1. Where do you find inspiration for your blog?
  2. What is one thing you do to make yourself happy?
  3. If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?

 

 

Date Night or Fright Night

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It has occured to me that my romance skills might be a little out of date and practice.  It has, in fact, been over 3.5 years since I was in a romantic relationship, so it’s safe to say, I’ve likely lost the touch: not that I had much of one to begin with.

Dating is a skill, and it take great practice and flirting abilities.  I can flirt; I can actually be quite the little hussy when I want to be, but only with “safe” men.  Safe, unattainable, already taken men.  Men that enjoy the attention, but who are already taken, so the flirting is only a game — just for fun.  When it comes to single, attractive, and desirable men, my flirting abilities take a gigantic nose dive into a big pile of SH*T.  It’s very possible I’m allergic to eligible men.  Instead of a rash, I break into bad jokes and inappropriate comments.

Now if I meet a man that I’m unsure of, I tend to do ok.  For some reason, I seem to be able to charm the pants off men when I have little to no interest in them.  A perfect example of this happend just this past weekend.  I decided to accept a date with a guy I had been chatting with on Tinder.  We met at a local pub to have a drink, and then I invited him over to watch a movie.  I don’t typically invite strangers over, but he seems pretty harmless, so I took a chance.  I made a point of clarifying my intentions.  It was a movie invite, and by movie invite I did not mean sex.  Some guys get confused, and it’s important to ensure their understanding before moving forward.  He seems to understand:  Movie – yes, Sex – no.  I made him repeat this a few times just to make sure he had it.  He really did seem to be getting it, so we asked for the bill and prepared to leave.   As we got up from our table, I realized he was short.  Really short, like a good 2 inches shorter than me, and I am only 5’4.  I have a preference for taller guys, but I didn’t want to be superficial, so I shrugged it off, and away we went.

We purchased a bottle of wine at the beer store and headed back to my place to watch Conjuring 2.  I sat on the opposite side of the couch from him, so that he understood the terms of the movie watching date.  However, when I got up to go get us another glass of wine, his hand went straight for my “area.”  WTF.  It wasn’t like we were making out, and he thought he test the waters.  No, he just reach out and grabbed her like she was some sort of squeeze toy.  I politely said, “please don’t do that.”  He laughed, but then apologized when he saw that I was serious.  This did not discourage him, however. He slowly inched his way next to me on the couch and I spent the rest of the movie swatting his hand away from my T&A&V.  Needless to say, I was completely turned off, and I asked him to leave.  I thought I made my point, but the next day he sent me a text to tell me how much fun he had.  SERIOUSLY.  I’ve since blocked him.  This was frustrating, but I look at it like this: with each one I don’t want, I only get closer to the one I do.

 

 

 

 

 

Keep On Keeping On

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What a year 2016 has been so far.  It’s been a year of change for me — Big scary emotionally charged changes.

  1. Return to university (part-time online) (Still in progress)
  2. End contact with emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend
  3. Close my side fitness (personal training) business
  4. Start a blog (Still in progress)
  5. Change anxiety medication
  6. Renovate bedroom
  7. Quit taking anxiety medication
  8. Attempt dates to find love (Still in progress)
  9. Quit my 8 year nicorette (nicotine gum) habit (3 weeks and counting)

My 42nd birthday is coming up in 2 weeks, and it’s just dawned on me that I might be going through a mid-life crisis.

” They say it’s your birthday
It’s my birthday too, yeah
They say it’s your birthday
We’re gonna have a good time
I’m glad it’s your birthday
Happy birthday to you” – The Beatles

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Check each and every one on this list.

If we look closely at my list of changes, It seems pretty clear that I’m on a mission to find love: sweet sweet love.  Check it…

#2 – End contact with ex (obviously this needed to be done to move forward).  There was no need to be holding on to a three year supposed friendship that did nothing but make me sad.  Sad and broke.

# 3 –  Close my business down.  Between a full-time job, my own fitness routine, and school, I left myself with little to no time to date.  Plus I was always tired, so dating always seemed like a chore.  I now teach one class at the YMCA, which is strictly volunteer.

#5 & 7 – My medication eliminated my sex-drive.  It’s hard to date when you have no sexual desire.  I also felt that the meds were not working the way they used to.  Depression set in, which was never really my issue before.  I’m still working through this but I’m on my way to learning to cope with life medication free.

#8 – No explanation needed.

Five out of nine changes made to find love, so what do I want for my birthday?

Cheesecake

Oh and I wouldn’t mind falling in love, or at least to find someone to start falling in love with.

There are three months left in the year 2016, and I have two things I need to focus on.

First — Finish this boring-ass course I’m doing (Management Information Systems) Seriously, this course sucks.Image result for boring course

 

 

Second – FIND THE ONE.

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The extreme emotions that went along with unmedicating myself have eased up, and I’m ready to move onward and upward.

“Wise men say… only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with ________________”  – Elvis Presley

Here’s hoping I can fill in the blank.  CHEERS!

 

Finding Fun

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What do you do for fun?  I’ve been asked this questions over and over, and honestly, I don’t know how to answer it.  I can tell you what I do to fill up my time.  I can tell you what I do to make me feel productive.  I can tell you what I do because I think I should be doing it.  But I can’t tell you what I do for fun.

I don’t know what fun it.  I haven’t known the answer to this in a long time.  My only goal over the past 10 years was to keep my anxiety levels down while trying to lead a semi-normal life.  I do things that I know I should be doing such as exercise, study, work, have coffee with friends, walk the dog, clean the house, grocery shop, etc etc.  My other activities include spending money and drinking.  Both of which I realize are used to suppress emotions.

I had a somewhat productive therapy session yesterday, and I’ve been instructed to try new things to see if I find them fun.  I’ve also been tasked with daily guided meditation or yoga to learn how to relax my body.  I’ve done two guided meditations so far — yeah me.  My treatment plan includes: cognative therapy, guided meditation, yoga, and FUN.

Who knew that having fun was so hard.