Up Above Anxiety

Image result for Above the cloudsIs it possible for a persons anxiety to get so high that he or she rises above it?  I think I might have.  Selling and buying property is a stressful life event.  For me, a person with generlzied anxiety disorder, the whole ordeal has been traumatic.  I went a week with no sleep and severe panic attacks.  AND then it all stopped.

 

My physical body is still experiencing anxiety.  I can tell because I’m extremely fatigued, my stomach is a mess, I’m restless, and I’m having dizzy spells.  Mentally, however, I feel fine.  I can’t even explain where my head is because I have no idea.  I’m going through the motions, getting shit done, and I’m doing it all without overthinking it.  I think I wore my brain out!

 

I have 2.5 weeks until I have to move all my shit into my friends tiny basement suite.  I was able to get over half my things packed this weekend during the hours I wasn’t at my fitness conference.  Tomorrow, I have to get an electrical silver sticker done on my current house, and then I meet my realtor to go look at properties.  My wish is to find a place this week, make an offer, and be moved in by no later than February 1, 2017.  I’d move sooner if I could, but it needs to make sense financially.

 

I currently spend most of my free time searching the online property guide, and emailing back and forth with my realtor.  When this is all said and done, I’m going to need a vacation.  It’s times like this that I sort of wish I had someone special in my life.  Someone to carry some of the load.  On the flip side, I’m pretty darn proud of myself for doing this all on my own.  Anxiety and all.

Well I’m off to get a work out in before I head home for some more packing.  I hope to be back to more regular posting and reading in the new year.   What I wouldn’t give for a back rub.

Uninspired

This week has been filled with upheaval.  My head is spinning with all the tasks that need to get done before I move into my temporary home.  Today I went to the bank to move my investment money to an accessable account, so I’m ready for when I make an offer on a new house.  I also cancelled all the services going to my current resident effective the middle of December.

All I want to do tonight is go home and drink a glass of wine, but that’s not in the cards.  I have a fitness conference I have to attend all weekend.  I’d bail, but I need the credits to keep my personal training and fitness instructor certifications. Fuck a DUCK!!!! — Howard the Duck reference for anyone old enough.

Tonight I will sit and listen to a keynote speaker talk about how to motivate our clients.  I’ve heard the same damn speech a million times over the 12 years of Keynotes I’ve had to listen to.  These workshops used to inspire me, but they don’t anymore.  I haven’t heard any original content in years, so I find these events painfully boring.  At least they will be serving wine and cheese.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  Till next week my friends.

Holidays in a Box

Every year my Christmas tree goes up on December 1.  I may be a single girl, but I still have my own holiday traditions.  I love the holidays; the sparkly lights, spiced scented candles, christmas tree, and stockings.  I love it all.  Now that my house is sold and I need to find a place to live in 3 weeks, It seemed as though there would be no Christmas for me this year.

Last years tree 😦

Now that I’m over the shock of the situation; however, I’ve decided to improvise.  I will be moved at least a few days before Christmas, so my tree will eventually get decorated — even if it’s only for a few days.  For me, the holidays are all the weeks leading up to Christmas.  So what do I do for the 3 weeks leading up to Christmas?  I will be living out of boxes, dealing with mortgage brokers, and hopefully make a deal on a house.  I don’t want to miss out on all the festivities, so here is my plan.

I haImage result for small white christmas treeve a small little fake white christmas tree that I normally put up in my bedroom.  Yes, it’s true, I put up two trees at Christmas and I live alone.  Don’t judge me.  Anyway, I’m going to pull out the tree and plug it in.  Besides the lights, it won’t be decorated, but I will have a tree.  I will shop for gifts as per usual.  They will get wrapped and placed by my small white tree.  When it comes time to move, I will put them all in one big box labelled – GIFTS. I’ve cleared all my previous obligations for next weekend, so I can spend the whole weekend packing.  I plan to get the bulk of the packing done, so I can still have available evenings to meet up with friends and family for the usual holiday drink and snacks.

 

Image result for holiday drinks with friends

 

In my house, my dog and I exchange gifts.  I’ve told my dog that this year, I’d like all my gifts to be for the new house.  If I haven’t found a place before Christmas then I’ve asked her to only get me a couple of small things and to save her allowance fot the big move.  I’m really hoping I can find a place to buy and that the sale can be put through before Christmas, but if not, my best friend has kept her basement suite open for me to live in temporarily.  Honestly, the generosity and support I am getting from all my friends and family is the best Christmas gift of all.

My Dog Olivia opening up last years stocking

This year will be different, but I will still have Christmas.  This year I will be having my holidays in a box.  That reminds me of a little SNL Christmas Jingle:

 

Homeless in The Loops

 

My HOUSE is sold!!!! After 10 long years of living the mobile home life, I’m finally moving up in the world.  OK, not the world, but the housing market.  I would have made this move years ago, but I haven’t been able to sell up until now.

I’m excited, sad, anxious, stressed out, happy, and scared.   Who knew a person could feel so many different emotions at one time.  The next month or two is going to be a hell of a ride for me, but I’m up for the challenge.  I’m going to show my anxiety disorder that I can handle this.  Maybe then it will back down and leave me alone — a person can dream.

I have so much more to say, but my brain has been overloaded.  I can’t get my thoughts in order, so I will say goodnight and blog again another day.

 

Stuck In Panic Land

Blogging has had to take the back burner these past few days, and I miss it.  I am not only waiting to find out if the sale of my house will go through, I’m also knee deep in grievances at work.  FUN SHIT.  All I can say is thank god I’m not HR for a unionized company.

My anxiety levels have been super high with all the uncertainty of my future.  So high that I had two severe panic attacks yesterday.  The first one came on in the middle of a conversation with a co-worker.  He was asking how my house sale was going.  I started telling him about the issues I was having with my agent, when I felt a sudden sharp pain in my chest.  My chest tightened completely, and I began grasping for air.   My senses were on high alert: I was hot one minute and cold the next.  I felt all the blood drain from my face, and I lost feeling in both of my arms.  My first thought — HEART ATTACK.  Regardless of how many panic attacks I suffer, I still think I’m having a heart attack when they come on.  The thought of having a heart attack makes me panic more, and I’m totally fucked until the wave crashes.

Image result for panic attack

Luckily, my co-worker knows about my anxiety disorder, so when I began to panic, he came to my rescue.  He leaped from his chair and shut my office door.  He then picked up his chair and placed it right in front of me, so we were sitting knee to knee.  Next he reached out and placed his hand over top of mine.  His eyes locked on mine –It was like he was searching for me inside of my head.  In a very calm voice he began repeating “you are not having a heart attack, it’s ok just breathe.”  Over and over again he said these words until I burst into tears and the oxygen returned to my body.  HELL.  Fucking hell.  That’s what panic attacks are.  In the 10 years I was medicated for my anxiety, I probably only had 4 or 5 panic attacks.  I’ve had that same amount, if not more, in the four months since I quit my meds.

I’m not sure why I’ve stayed dedicated to med free.  I think I’m waiting to see if I can find solid ground.  Four months doesn’t seem like enough time to learn how to be ok on my own.  But, then again, maybe I’m fooling myself.  Maybe life without meds means constant panic attacks and daily anxiety.

Tomorrow is the day.  All subjects are supposed to come off, and I will know if I need to pack.  Selling at Christmas time is shit.  Shit Shit Shit.  Sorry for the onslaught of curses, and the random jumping from topic to topic: swearing helps when I feel this anxious.  Time for me to get back to work.  Send some good thoughts out for me if you can…. I could really use some positive vibes.  I hope you are all well blogger friends.  ‘Til next time.

 

 

Love

Image result for one step at a time quotes

 

I’ve had a hard week as far as emotions and anxiety goes.  Having my house up for sale has been difficult, and now I’m waiting to see if the deals a go or not — I’m thinking not.  For the average person this would be a stressful event, for a person with an anxiety disorder this situation is torture.  However, I’ve made it through the week, and I’m still standing.  I may be wobbling, but standing just the same.  There were moments this week when I wasn’t sure I could keep moving forward.  But I did, one little baby step at a time.

Dealing with anxiety without the help of medication has been really hard.  I’ve cried more over the past four months than I did over the last 10 years.  When I was medicated, I rarely let people see my emotions; now that I’m off, I’ve had no choice but to lean on family and friends.  That has been the biggest adjustment for me.  Letting people see me when I’m feeling my most vulnerable is something that scares me.  It always has.  I worry that when people see me fall apart, they will label me as a weak person.  If people view me as weak, I feel weak.

Strangely, my family and friends have expressed how good it makes them feel that I trust them enough to share my struggles.  They haven’t judged me or made me feel crazy.  Not everyone has been able to relate or completely understand what I’m going through, but they have been supportive none-the-less.  For this, I am grateful; I do not know what I would have done without them.

There might be a lot of shit in the world, but when I think about the love I have for my family and friends, all I see it greatness.

 

 

Dogs Need Homes TOO

Image result for Pug

There is one thing a realtor needs to be and that’s professional.  Mine is not, and I’m a nut hair away from firing him.  This week has been a roller coaster of emotions; I’m tired, stressed out, and feel like crawling in to a dark hole to hide.

On Tuesday night, I had a showing at my house.  My agent texts me after the showing with a low ball offer.  He’s a dual agent on this deal, so I don’t feel he has my best interest at heart.  I countered, and it was accepted as long as I agreed to a pre-Christmas closing date.  Done.  My agent came over last night to sign all the paperwork, which included the usual subjects etc etc etc.

This morning my agent sends me a text saying the mobile park application he received from the park manager states “no new cats or dogs.”  He goes on to say the deal is toast if we can’t get this dealt with, as the buyers have a little pug.  I personally have a small dog and so does half the damn trailer park.  I happened to know a few newish neighbours who have several little dogs.  I’ve been in the park for 10 years, and I’ve had my dog for almost 5.  I never  thought about asking if it was ok because everyone else had one.

My agent goes on to tells me I need to contact the park manager and inquire about this.  First off — why am I contacting the park manager?  Second, why did the realtor not get the park rules prior to even listing my place?  That is his job, not mine.  I’m not getting any commission off the sale of this job.  He is.  My agent has been a big F’ing prick since day one, so if this sale doesn’t go through — I’m firing him.

Sorry for the rant, but my nerves are shot all to hell.  My anxiety levels are so high that my body is reacting poorly.  I can’t hold down food, my muscles are all tense and sore, I haven’t slept in a couple days, and I still don’t know if I will be homeless before Christmas or not.  Isn’t selling and buying a new house supposed to be fun????

I have a fitness class to teach after work tonight.  I’m hoping the exercise will clear my head a bit, so I can relax a bit tonight.  I’m trying so hard to stay calm and take this one step at a time, but I’m having a hell of a time controlling my anxiety.  Son of a BEACH.