He May Be Right Around The Corner

person, woman, girl

 

This is it — my final day of work before I get 9 glorious days of freedom.  NINE days to play!!!!  I so desparately need this time off.   I’m going to savour every single second of my vacation.  Leisure mornings, trail runs, river floats, evening patio beverages with friends, dog walks, sun filled afternoons at the park, shopping — I CAN’T frigg’n wait.  Well, OK, I can wait, but I don’t want to.  I think it should be a thing where people get to leave at noon on the day before their holiday starts.  A manditory paid leave to go and prepare to relax.  Laziness requires prep work; I can’t be expected to take on a project like vacation without having time to lay out the ground work.

I have a secret hope that I will meet someone during my time off.  By someone, I mean a man, and by a man, I mean a cute, single, fun man.  I feel this way every weekend and before all my vacations.  I get lonely from time to time, and when I have time off, I wish I had someone to share that time with.  Because it has been so long since I’ve connected with someone, I often worry maybe I’m broken that way.  I hope not, but I wonder.

I’m taking a trip to go male watching… does anyone know the trick to catching one?  Maybe I should just get a T-shirt made that say’s “HEY boys, I’m Single and ready to Mingle.”  Takes away some of the mystestry, but desperate times call for desperate measures!

Well my pretties, I’m wishing you all a happy Friday and weekend.  Be good to yourselves because you deserve it.

 

 

Life’s Call

Woman in Gray Shirt in Bed Painting

The time is now to wake the dead.  Inhale a breath, come and be free.  Let colours flow through vacant veins to renew a life that once had been. 

REMEMBER.  Familiar sensations thought lost and gone.  The time has come, vibrancy flows it’s living song.  Sleep no more, as night has past; if you look, just look, you will see.

Hear me now, calling your name.  An echoed whisper rolling through the valley of complacency: “Wake, wake, wake, sleeping beauty – come back to me.” she cries “come play with me.”   “Much was lost, but this needs not be – wake up” she say’s and you will see.

One breath, two, what do I hear.  Too faint a call; too far; come near.  Three and four nourishing my soul, a voice louder, louder than before.  A flash of light before my eyes; first it’s blue and then it’s green.  I take one more; I wake; I see.

A Hot Summer’s Night

  
It’s hot… Scorching hot.  I’m taking refuge under an icy cold summer’s night shower.  The escatacy of the chilled droplets of h20 running down my spine beats any dark rich chocolate my tongue has ever met.  My toes curl at the touch of this life giving liquid.  

I tip my head back; I’m exposed and vulnerable as the cool stream of water covers my whole body. I brace myself, left hand pressed against the shower wall, and I’m still. My whole world exists only in this moment.  I can’t move; I can’t think — it’s utopia in a 2 x 5ft capsule.  

My body sways to the rhythm of my calm.  Miniature ice drops massage the tension from my aching shoulders.  I want to live here forever; lost in pleasure; wrapped in an unpenatrating water shield — safe in my lustral tomb.   I know I can’t stay, life calls me back; I hear it’s voice.  One last kiss before I wake; let me feel feel feel–the heat’s escape.

Writing Myself To Wellness

Fountain Pen on Top of Notebook Beside Drinking Mug

My post today is a glimpse into my daily journal writing.  My writing helps me evaluate where I’m at, and it also gets me to slow down.  Us anxious people are always in such a big rush to make things happen.

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July 28, 2016

Part 1 – How I’m Feeling; What I’m Thinking

I’m falling down the hole again, but I’m going to do my best to catch myself.   It’s becoming somewhat of a guessing game as to how I will wake up each morning.  This morning, I felt physically sick to my stomach, every muscle in my body ached, and my head throbbed unbareably the minute I sat up in bed.  I notice how weak I felt as I stood up and walked to the bathroom.  As I walked past the full length mirror beside my bedroom door, I was startled by the void look in the eyes of the woman staring back at me.  I wanted to go back to bed, but I knew I had to keep on living, so I robotaclly washed my face, brushed my teeth, and dressed for a run.  It took evey ounce of willpower to get in my car and meet my friend for our morning run.  We ended up just walking today, because there was no way my body could have handled the intensity of even a light jog.

I’ve been ruminating all morning, and my mindfullness techniques are not pulling me out of my cycled thinking.  I have images of me leaving work without a word and driving to who knows where.  I’d quietly lock my office door and sneak out the back door — I wonder if anyone would notice I was gone.  Running away feels like the only escape from these unpredictable mood swings; maybe it would help.  Work is triggering me this week; it’s slow, I don’t have a lot to do, and I’m bored.  Too much time to think.  I am also upset with the way Susan (alias) treated me and John (alias), and now I’m searching for all the reasons she was such a bitch.  I’m blaming myself for her bad behaviour.  Maybe she’s been talking about me behind my back to everyone at work?!?

Part 2 – Self-help

Self-awareness and self-love reminders:

  1. It is normal to go through ups and downs as my body adjusts to the chemical changes resulting from medication discontinuation.
  2. It is normal to feel frustrated and agitated at work if there is little happening to keep me engaged and stimulated.
  3. It is ok to feel angry, sad, confused, bored, lonely, and scared.  Feelings of all kinds are normal and ok.
  4. It is ok to not like someone, and just because I don’t like someone, doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me.
  5. Staying in my feelings will be more affective in the long run than running away from them.
  6. I’m allowed to give myself a break.
  7. Happy one day, sad the next is not a sign that I can’t be off medication.  It is part of the healing process.
  8. Mindfulness: what am I doing right now?  Writing a post.  How does your body feel? Sore. Notice how fast you can type; listen to the sounds of the keys as you hit them.  Notice your chest rise and fall as you breathe.  Notice the sun coming in through the windows.  Notice how warm you feel, and how comfortable  you are at your desk.

 

* You are worth loving, you are worth the effort, you are not your thoughts.

END

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I have three journals that I write in several times a day right now.  One at work, one in my living room, and one beside my bed.  Writing, exercise, and water are my tools of choice to assist me as I come off  anxiety and depression medication.  Honestly, today, I’m scared that I won’t be able to live without them.  I’m afraid I’m kidding myself into believing I can manage my anxiety alone, but I’m still going to try.  Part of me believes that I might be broken from being on the medication for as long as I was.  Too much thinking going on — time to try more mindfullness.

 

Sunny Side Up Please

bread, food, breakfastI’m having my mood sunny side up with a side o’ bacon today.  I’m sick of scrambled and hash — bring on the hollandaise.  Or should I say holidays?!?  2.5 more days and this little chicky has one whole week off.  Sun, fun, and if I’m lucky some HUNS.

This is the first day since I stopped taking my anxiety meds that I feel somewhat human.  I don’t want to jinx it here, but it is entirely possible that my discontinuation syndrome symptoms are starting to ease up some…. YIPPY.  My brain is still today — no obsessive worrying.  I am, however, obsessively thinking about what kind of beverage I’m gonna have on my first day off.  Currently, I’m thinking Gin and Soda, but  wine sounds pretty good to me too.  Ohhhh decisions, decisions.

Holidays make me happy, and I don’alcohol, party, cocktailt even need to go anywhere to enjoy them.  My staycation is sure to be everything I hope for.  The main event during my time off will be a bedroom overhaul.  I purchased a new bed last weekend, and I’ve been daydreaming about a bedroom makeover ever since.  I’m gonna go with a beach theme: light blue/grey/white walls, crisp white sheets, dark blue accents, pool boy, and big fluffy white and blue pillows.  It sounds so dreamy; I’m going to make it happen.  2.25 days to go.

Oasis at home

IN 2.15 days, you will find me rolling down grassy hills, laughing till I pee a little, or maybe you will find me lounging out front of my favorite cafe with book in hand.  I’m going to push myself out of my comfort zone and troll the streets for cute young men.   I’m not sure what I will do with one if I catch one, but who cares — fishing’s fun.

It’s my happy day today, so here’s me sending out joy to my blogg’n family.  I wish for all of you a smile today.  Happy Blogg’n Wednesday!

Silly Girl

Man Wearing Black and Red Checkered Long Sleeve Shirt Wearing Black Wayfarer Sunglasses Sitting on White Wooden Chair

 

It’s been a pretty rough go these past few months, but today, I just feel silly — so, I’m gonna be silly for the sake of being silly.

This is a parody inspired by them naughty boys who tried to break my little heart…all in good fun.  Original source: Willie Nelson’s “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before”

“To Them Cheat’n Boys I’ve Loved Before”

To the cheat’n boys I’ve loved before

I’m glad I kicked you out my door

It’s a shame you came along

so I dedicated this blog (post)

To the cheat’n boys I’ve loved before

 

To the cheat’n boys who I have blessed

I’d like to say you were the best

But I’m here to let you know

You weren’t meant to be my beau

To the cheat’n boys I’ve loved before

 

To the cheat’n boys who broke my heart

I have to say that wasn’t smart

You thought I’d let you stay

Even though you went and strayed

To the cheat’n boys I’ve loved before

 

I’ve loved some good men and some not so good men — this is for the latter.

X’s and O’s

 

A Mini Mind Battle Story

  Has the world found me out?  Can they see the chaos inside my head?  Too much static; I can’t hear myself.  The fog is thick; I’m losing hold of reality — here they come… One, two, three worry warriors. Their coming, coming after me.  

My shields are down; I’ve nowhere to hide.  I’m visible; the real me — now everyone can see.  I want to hide away, and let no one find me.  I’ll hide myself so they can’t see.  

Stop!  Breathe; now breathe again.  Remove all thoughts because you can. Don’t let them in — you’re powerful; you are strong.  You don’t need to hear them; you don’t need to see. Give time a chance, and you will see that all your worries: one, two and three can be released and you’ll be free. 

Fighting anxiety, or any mental health disorder can be a constant internal battle. I chose to fight because I will win!