Cutting Glass

We are in the middle of another cold snap with tempatures averaging -15 c.  Not the coldest we’ve seen this winter, but still fucking cold.  When I arrived at work today and walked up to my office, I was greeted with COLD.  Hell ya, two of the four furnaces are not running due to some kind of blockage on the roof.  I’ve had my big winter parka on for 3 hours with a personal heater blasting directly on me, and I’m still freezing my ass off. I normally don’t mind winter, but then again, I can normally find refuge INSIDE.  Ah well, such is life.  Image result for Freezing in the office

Forgive me bloggers for I have sinned, it’s been almost a week since I’ve posted anything, and I’m still catching up on all your blogs.  I’d like to say it’s been a lack of time that has kept me from writing, but that would be a lie.  In truth, It’s pure laziness. I haven’t been inspired to write, and I haven’t forced myself to write regardless of my lack of inspiration.  Now that I have that confession off my chest, let me catch you up on my deliriously entertaining life.  (Them there words have been heavily laced with sarcasm)

Since my last post, I have been out on 3 dates.  The first one was with a soccer coach wImage result for A douche of a manho is moving to town at the end of the month.  I met him last Thursday after my fitness class at a local brew pub.  Here’s my review on the Soccer Coach:

  • Pro’s  — not bad looking, doesn’t smoke, has a job, likes dogs, no kids
  • Con’s — arrogant, committment issues, didn’t pick up
    the tab, 5’9, bad eating habits

Mr. Soccer coach seemed to think pretty highly of himself.  I guess in junior soccer, coaches are somewhat of a rockstar to the single mothers.  He basically told me this in so many words.  My response — then date a single soccer mom.

 

Moving on…

On Saturday evening, I met up with a pretty cool guy.  He has a fairly non-traditional job: he makes his living producing videos on YouTube.  I’m not going to mention what the videos are about for the sake of his privacy, but   I found him to be honest, attractive, and a gentleman (he paid).  I liked him enough to have a second date the following day.  However, he has some qualities that might make things difficult if this ends up going anywhere.  First — he smokes.  Both cigarettes and pot.  Honestly, I don’t really care that he smokes pot, but cigarettes not so much.  As a non-smoker of 12 years, I don’t like being around people who smoke.  I can’t stand the smell, and if I’m drinking it adds temptation.

Secondly, he isn’t active and his eating habits are the shits.  Again, I work very hard to try and eat healthy.  I personally don’t care what he eats, but I know that it will be harder for me to stick to my healthy habits if I’m constantly subjected to his unhealthy ones.  I keep unhealthy foods out of my house for a reason.  If they were there, I’d eat them.

Still, I do like him, and I plan to hang out with him again.  There may not be a future for us, but I see no harm in having some fun.  I might even make a new friend.

Besides all my whoring around (the most physical contact I had on my dates was a hug), I’ve started my next course, and I’m still dealing with renovations.  Life is moving along which is definitely better than the alternative.  Time to move around a bit before my fingers freeze completely off.

 

 

Saturday Morning 

  
My real estate ventures have taken up a lot of my time, mind, and energy over the last 2.5 months.  With work and all the selling, moving, and buying tasks, there is little space left in my brain for my school work.  Too bad; so sad… I need to make room because I have a final exam in one week.  

Fuelled on coffee and a muffin — it’s study time.  I wish this course was at least interesting, but it’s not.  It’s extremely boring and, in my opinion, pointless.  All I can hope for is a pass on the exam. I’ve aced the course, but I finished the course a couple months ago.  I’ve put off the exam, so I could get through the move.  Now I have to remind my poor used up brain about all the yawn inducing information that I will be tested on. 

Damn I need to get laid.  

Money Makes Living Hell

Money, money, money, brings anxiety to town. Expenses lurk in darkness waiting to bring their stress inducing face to light.  

Life is one big money pit that pulls you down, down to the middle of hell. You dig your claws in, hoping to remain above water.  But soon you drown. Farther.  Down.

Blackness everywhere.   No escaping the financial stress of breathing daily. 

Fuck it.  

Push & Pull: Exterminate

Image result for Dark and crazy

 

It’s raining; it’s pouring, and the whole world is snoring.  BUT I’M not.  I’m living in an optical illusion… nothing is real — or is it?  Insomnia has set! Thanks to my vent rat I have lost all ability to function as a normal human being.

I’m averaging about 2 hours of sleep a night — based on a three week sleeping period.  I’ve become so tired that even if I had a quiet place to rest, I doubt I would sleep.  My eyes are burning, and I see thing out of the corner of my eyes that literally startle the shit out of me.  It would almost be fun if I didn’t feel so physically shit.

Seeing my distress this morning, my boss pulled out a box of rat poison from his desk drawer and said, “this will do the trick; just don’t put it anywhere your dog can get it.”  If you haven’t been following along through my previous posts, let me catch you up.  I own a cute little mobile home, which is situated in a beautiful mountain valley.  I get deer, bears, coyotes, chipmunks, and groundhogs in my yard all the time.  Mice are also in abundance, but they are easy to manage.  This year, my town has been plagued with an unruley bunch of pack rats.  To my dismay, they have decided to make my ventilation system their home. The duct system in a mobile home runs underneath the flooring.  It’s only assessible from underneath the trailer, and the rats have dug their way under my skirting, and have found an entrance point.  I have set up several very large rat traps to eradicate the little bastards, but NO luck.  Every night, I crawl into bed hoping maybe this is the night I won’t hear it (them), and every night by 10pm it begins.   The running, banging, and clawing… it’s endless, and it’s driving me crazier than I already am.

I’ve called the pest control, but all they do is set up traps.  I’m not spending money on something I’ve already tried which isn’t working.   I’m at the breaking point now, so tonight, I will be putting out the poison.  I realize there is a chance of the rat dying in a spot I will be unable to get at, but I don’t care at this point.  Once I catch it, I will be calling the vent cleaning company to suck out any nasties left behind.  I am lucky they have not found a way into my house, but I can’t take one more day, night, minute living with the sound of rats.  I’m tired…. soooooo tired.

The song has nothing to do with my post at all, butI’ve been listening to it for days, as it fits my mood.

 

Staycation 

Any time off work is cause for celebration!  What have I done so far you ask?  

Porch guitar sessions

  
Wine tours with my mama

  
Home renos

   
   
Afternoon lazies

  
School work, shopping, work outs and naps.  I know, I know — party girl 😜

Relaxation and catch up was on the itinerary for this little break, but now… I just received a call for a job interview.  Work has been causing me some stress lately, and so before I went in holidays, I threw out a few resumes just to see.  The one and only posting I was interested in –called me.  

This is great, but now I filled with nervousness and confusion. I know I will be ok at the interview and nerves are normal, but I always get an overwhelming sense of guilt if I check out opportunities when I still have a job. I don’t even know at this point if I will want the job, an all I’m doing is checking into it, so why guilt?   Why do I feel like cheating wife?  I’ve had to lay off over 50 people this year, so I’m fully aware of my employer felt it necessary, they’d hand me my pink slip. It’s business, not personal.

I will remember this and have a glass of wine. 

I hope you are all doing well, I miss you and I will try and catch up on my reading soon.  

Soaking Up The Sunshine

Summer is finally here!  The forecast for this week shows tempatures reaching mid-thirties (86F). We’ve had a slow start to summer this year; so I’m ready to soak up some sunshine.Storm

I love summer because everyone slows down to focus on the simple pleasures in life.   Backyard bbq, flip-flops, and sundresses are in store for the next two months, hallelujah.  There will be weekends spent floating down the river, or boat rides on the lakes.  Afterwork patio drinks with co-workers, and rooftop dinners that go late into the night.  Have I mentioned how much I love summer?

Sunshine makes me a happier girl; a tanned happier girl!  I’m taking a break from all things exhausting this weekend.  That includes my friend going through a divorce, my studies, social media, the news, thoughts of my ex, thoughts of money, and online dating.  It’s the Canada Day long weekend, July 1, 2016, so I’m going to be thankful for the beautiful country I live in, and soak up the sunshine.

 

I Need Some Reprieve

It’s almost been a year since my best friend told me she was thinking of leaving her husband.  The news suprised me a bit, as she had a habit of bragging about how great her marriage was.  However, I do not judge, and maybe she did all that bragging to try and convince herself.  In any case, it was clear she was questioning her relationship.

I see my friend daily, as we have a morning ritual of a run and then coffee.  The first few months after her confession to me, I played the part of an active listener.  I gave her a sounding board to bounce her own thoughts off.  It was pretty apparent to me that she had checked out of her marriage long ago.  I was careful not to offer advice; instead, I shared my own experience with going through a divorce.  I shared my experience of anxiety, sadness, fear, etc to let her know that what she was feeling was perfectly normal.

I won’t get into the details of my friends situation, as it isn’t relevant to this post, nor is it my story to tell.  I will say that it has been a pretty terrible year for her, and she is still going through the split.  I have been there for her daily to listen and offer support.  Her family does not live close, as she moved to Canada to be with her husband.  She is my dearest friend, and it is important to me that she knows she’s not alone.  However, I am starting to feel the effects of starting my mornings in an anxious state.

It is difficult for me to stay detatched from my friends emotions.  Partly because of my anxiety disorder (GAD), and partly because I have been exposed to every detail of what she is going through.  I’ve been scared for her; I’ve felt her anxiety; I’ve seen her lose so much weight; and I’ve basically re-lived what it was like when I divorced.  I’m tired, and I’m starting to lose my ability to listen without wanting to snap.  Somedays I handle it fairly well; others not so much.  Today was a not so much day.

There has been a lot on my plate at work this week, and I’ve been working 12 hour days.  I’ve also had a pack-rat problem under my mobile home, which has caused me some angst.  I’ve had little time to get into the new course I’m taking; my grass hasn’t been cut in 2 weeks; my housework was missed this weekend; and all I want is a little reprieve.  So this morning when I met my friend at 6am for coffee, and she dove straight into everything on her plate, I couldn’t take it.  I literally shut down inside and hardly listened.  That is until she said, I need your help this weekend.  She does not want to be alone with her ex to discuss the division of household items, so she has asked me to come with her.  She also wants to spend some time packing up the house.

I’m at a lose as to how to handle my role as her friend right now.  If she had family here, I know things would be different, but she doesn’t.  I completely understand her need for support, and I’ve done my best to be there for her.  Unfortunately, I’m starting to crumble under the pressure.  I feel ashamed that I’m not stronger, and I feel terrible about feeling the way I do.  I can’t tell her that how I’m feeling, as she would feel guilty about it.  However, I need a break.  I need to go back to starting my mornings with positivity, and I need to have my weekends back.  Do I just get over what I need, and be there for my friend?  Do I leave her to find others to help her?  I don’t know what to do.

I’m too warn out today to make any logical decisions, so I will have to let it go for now.  I just hope and pray that soon things will change.  My anxiety levels have been extreme this week, and my head feels ready to burst.  It’s time, I think, for a little self-care.