What is Crazy?

 

Searching for romance at 40+ years old is like searching for a needle in a needle stack.  There are way more variables to consider when trying to find a later in life mate.  Besides the physical attraction, there needs to be an intellectual connection and a willingness to accept someone else’s baggage.  I’ve also noticed that career choices can be a factor in aged dating.  Some people are still chasing their careers, which means a potential relocation.  For someone like me, who is content with her location, moving would require a lot of convincing.

Now let’s mix in some mental health issues, and what do you get? Dating impossible.  Younger men don’t seem to mind a little crazy, in fact, I think they like it.  Older men, however, seem to view mental health as a serious character flaw.

“Ah she’s a crazy bitch,”  is what their thinking.  Am I crazy?  I guess you’d need to define crazy for me, so that I could answer that correctly.  If crazy means, do I struggle emotionally on a regular basis?  Then the answer is yes.  If it means, do I have to put an effort into the way I think and process information.  Then the answer is yes.  Does it mean I’m I afraid to be myself around others because I’m scared they will think I’m crazy?  Then again, the answer is yes.

But here’s the thing, my internal struggles make me a much more empathetic, caring, loving, supportive, genuine, strong, and kind person.  My crazy has forced me to work at being a better me, and it has taught me to be more tolerant of other peoples struggles.  The type of crazy I am makes me a special person who deserves love just as much as the “Non-crazies”.  If you ask me, anyone who thinks they don’t have some type of crazy in them, is the craziest of them all.

I know mental health carries a stigma with it, and I don’t see an end to it.  Those who don’t suffer with mental health issues can’t possible understand what it is like.  I can’t give someone my mind for a day, so they can learn to understand.  Explaining it to people usually causes me more frustration because most non-crazies think they have the answer that will solve my problem.

These are some of my favorite words of widsom:

  • Ah, you should just learn to relax.
  • You don’t need to worry about something that hasn’t happened yet.
  • The answer is YOGA.
  • You probably just don’t drink enough water.
  • Maybe you should find a job that isn’t so stressful
  • When I get anxious, I like to just go for a drive to clear my head.  You should try that.

I do appreciate these well meaning advice givers.  It’s not their fault they have no idea what they are talking about.  So I forgive you for not understanding, if you forgive me for having mental health issues.

And to all the men who pass up a girl with MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, I say “You’re missing out.”  We are not the drama queens you are so afraid of… nope, those girls are standing over in the corner pretending to have all their shit together.

 

 

 

Dear Rejection

Dear Rejection,

It was very nice seeing you this weekend, and I hope you enjoyed your stay.  I hope you don’t mind my bluntness when I say “you scare me.”

Please don’t take that the wrong way, as I know you mean well.  However, whenever there’s a chance of seeing you, I second guess myself.  Even though we have known each other for years, your presence still unnerves me.  When you are here, I question my self-worth, and I wish I had never tried or reached out at all.

I know we are close, as you have played a big role in both my personal and professional life.  How many times have you been there when I’ve applied for a new job, gone on a blind date, or shared a new blog post?  I’ve lost count, but I know it’s been a lot.  For all the times you’ve been there for me, I feel I haven’t given you the credit you deserve.

Yes, you scare me, but you also make me strong.  It’s because of you that I try harder and push myself.  It’s because of you that I have learned who I am, and what I want in life.  I have you to thank for redirecting me when I’ve gone off course, as you are better at directions than I.

I’m sorry for the times I have blamed you for my own self-abuse.  It is not you critisizing me when I don’t get a job, or when a partner leaves me; I do that to myself.  All you were doing was closing a door behind me to prepared me for the door ahead.  So thank you.  Thank you for steering me in the right direction, even when it doesn’t feel like it.  I’d like to say that I won’t be afraid of our next visit, but that would be a lie.  However, you are always welcome because I realize you only have my best interest at heart.

Warmest Regards

K.K.

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”   – Dita Von Teese