This past week has been something of a cleansing for me. First, I’m feeling chemically cleansed because I stopped taking anxiety medication after 10 years of use. My body is still going through the physical reaction to the change, and now my mind is catching up.
I’m definitely feeling a bit more anxious, and I am having to work extra hard at reminding myself to identify whether my thoughts are rational or not. It’s hard to tell at this point if my anxiety is a result of coming off the medication, or if it has something to do with the lack of sleep and food I’ve been getting. Maybe a combination of all three. I’m toying with another theory; however, I think it’s too soon to determine it’s validity. But something happened this weekend that has the little wheel (solo) turning in my head.
This weekend, I kept myself extremely physically busy. I’ve found that the more I move, the less I feel like crap. On top of my normal workouts, I moved a bed, cleaned my house, and then took on a landscaping project. Yesterday was hot — extremely hot, and I decided to begin my yard project at the peek of the heat. I busted up old rotten logs, racked gravel, pulled weeds, shovelled out my front garden, and hauled 2 big yard garbage bags or debris to my garbage bin. Three hours of non-stop, heavy duty yard work in extreme temperatures had an unusual side-effect on me.
While tackling the yard work, I noticed I kept getting dizzy, so I took several water breaks to keep hydrated. When the work was done, and I was covered in dirt from head to toe, I jumped in the shower to clean up. The dizziness continued, and so I figured I better try and eat something. It was only 4:30pm, and I wasn’t ready for dinner, but I figured I could start the prep work. I was in the mood to listen to some music while I cooked, so I brought up YouTube, plugged my speaker into my laptop, and found me some Willie Nelson. The great thing about YouTube is that it continues to play songs that are similar to the one you chose. Whenever I’m feeling physically off, I listen to old country. A bit strange maybe, since I don’t even like newer country. Anyway, I had a steady loop of ‘old country songs echoing through my house, as I chopped, grated, seasoned, and baked.
Luckenbach Texas, Blue Eyes Crying in The Rain, Mama’s Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys, Always on My Mind.
If you are under the age of 30, you may not be familiar with these songs. This was the music of my youth; the kind of music that makes my soul ache for the past. At some point during my dinner preparation, I pulled up a kitchen chair and just closed my eyes. The music enveloped me, and I began to cry. I sat, sang, and cried for almost an hour. I haven’t cried like that since before I was medicated. It didn’t hurt at all; it felt good. It felt like a release of pent up emotions. Is that what I had been doing? Suppressing my emotions? OR am I just extra sensitive right now because of the change to my chemical make up? Like I said, it’s probably too early to say which is the case. Either way, it felt good to cry unrestricted. It will be interesting to see how I feel over the next few weeks. I can tell you one thing — FEELING again, feels good.