Always On My Mind

I get the keys to my condo tomorrow, and I feel like I should be excited.  I am, undoubtably, anxious to get moved out of my rental.  However, my mind seems to be focused elsewhere right now.  I’ve got men on the brain, or should I say, I have a man on the brain.

A man that is always there in the background of my thoughts, but one I can never have.  When I hang out with this man, the thoughts get pushed right up to the very frontal part of my consciousness.  He is a younger man, and he is a coworker — and I admit, I’m a little in love with him.  Love might be a bit strong of a word… It’s more like a small crush with strong friendship feelings attached.

He is one of my best guy-buds, and we hang out from time to time.  Typically, once a month or once every other month we get together for drinks after work.  We start off by saying “just one”, but it always turns into a late night, and a next day hangover.  I had one of these hang outs this past Friday.  Hangover be damned, I love hanging out with him.  He’s funny, smart, extremely attractive, and he cares about me.  That kind of combination is hard to resist, but I do resist it and for good reason.

First off, his type: young, crazy, underweight.  ME: crazy, average weight (almost), old.  I’m not fat (although, I feel it most times), but I’m definitely not underweight. My body is starting to show evidence of gravity: not that I ever had perky tits.  For a woman of 42, I would say, I do pretty good.  But he is a 34 drop dead gorgeous specimen of a man.   He can pretty much have any woman he wants.  Even if he begged me, I don’t think I’d let him see me naked.  Secondly, he wants children, and he jumps from woman to woman.  He isn’t what I’m ultimately looking for.

That all said, when we are together, I feel happy.  He has no issues telling me he thinks I’m perfect.  Over drinks last week, he asked me if I’ve ever thought of him in a romantic way.  My walls, of course, went up, and I answered “No”.  Here was my opportunity to be honest with him, and I flaked.  The questions was a drunk one, and he didn’t mean anything by it.  But it was also a dangerous question.  We are friends, and we are coworkers.  Admitting feelings could ruin both relationships.  I did send him a text the next day.  I’m saving that conversation for another post.

For now, I’m left with endless thoughts of him.  With time the thoughts will fade again into the background… If only things were different.