An Unexpected Turn Of Events

When it comes to matters of the heart, there are no rules.  However, as we age, starting new relationships become more and more difficult. We come with baggage; we’ve been hurt, and we are scared of letting ourselves love again.  

To be perfectly honest, I didn’t think I’d ever love again after leaving a very abussive relationship five years ago. I had turtles my feelings; no man had a chance of breaking through the shell I hid under. That all changed a couple months ago.  If you’ve been following my recent posts, you know the love story gone wrong.  I had given my heart to what I thought was the one, and he ended up running.  

He ran and I turtled.   My walls went up just as fast as they had come down with him. He hurt me, and I wasn’t willing to put up with any of it.  I was determined to move on as quickly as possible, so I hit the town and tried to distract myself.  It didn’t work.  I missed him so bad my body ached.  I spent all day yesterday crying over the loss.  

Longish story short, I sent him a message last night.  I didn’t expect a response, but I felt I owed it to myself to give him the opportunity to explain himself.  This morning at 6:00am, he replied: coffee?

This is what I wanted. Him to at least see me in person and talk to me.  We met and he apologized for the shitty way he handled his fears.  He likes me a lot and it freaked him out.  He asked for forgiveness. After telling him what I will not tolerate in a relationship and after coming to a mutual understanding, I forgave him. 

Time will tell if o made the right choice, but I have to try.  My heart wants him, and I think his wants me.  I’m going back with my eyes a little wider, and it will take some time for me to fully trust him again.  But I must be willing to help him carry his baggage because I need him to help me with mine. 

So the story continues…. let’s hope this time for good.  

Ain’t Nothing Gonna Break Me

A very wise man told me today that the most important thing we keep during heartbreak is a sense of self.  I couldn’t agree more.  With everything that has happened over the past four days, I can hold my head high and say I valued myself and my worth.

As mentioned in my last two posts, I’m currently dealing with a bit of a broken heart.  I met what I thought was the man of my dreams five weeks ago.  During those five weeks, this man convinced me he was falling for me and that he wasn’t going anywhere.  I believed him, but I was noticing how much he talked about his ex-girlfriend.  This past Friday, I asked him if he felt he was truly over her.  He looked me straight in the eyes and told me he was and that he was emotionally available for me.  Saturday he left town with a friend, and Sunday he sent me a text message that said he needed space.  Flip of a switch with no fucking warning.

Since then, he has messaged me twice by text.  Once to tell me the reason he needed space was to re-evaluate whether or not he was ready for a relationship.  He told me it was because of my question that he was now unsure.  The second message came this morning.  It basically said he didn’t know what to say to me.  He claims he might be confused, but he doesn’t want this to go any further until he is sure he won’t hurt me in the end.

My first reaction to everything was shock.  How does someone go from falling for you to not sure over night?  I don’t believe that is possible.  Once the shock wore off I felt very hurt.  Hurt that he just disappeared with only a text.  No phone call, no face to face.  A coward.  In between the hurt is anger.  Extreme anger.  I will not allow him to string me along.  If he doesn’t know what he wants then I’m not going to sit around and wait for him to figure it out.  I’ve sent him one text in return — I wrote:

“I don’t know how I feel now that this has happened.  If you want to talk to me about it then call me and we can try and sort it.  I won’t deal with this by text.”

I realize by sending this I’m giving him an ultimatum.  It was very hard for me to do this because deep down, I want this to work.  But the only way it will work is if he truly is over his ex, and he needs to be able to communicate with me — not by text.  I deserve better than a text message.  If it is over than so be it.  I will hurt, cry, and cry some more.  But one thing is for sure — I will get over it, and I will so by keeping my sense of self.  Thank you Mr. Devane for your kindness.  You are in my thoughts.

Like a Record Baby

There has been very little writing happening from me lately, and not from a lack of trying.  Daily, I sit staring at the blank screen willing words to appear.  Some days, I write a couple of paragraphs, but hate what I’ve written and trash the post.  Other days, the blank screen stares back at me with judgement.  It’s beyond frustrating because I love to write.  There’s nothing better than finishing a post and hitting the publish button at the top of the screen.  Pure delight.  The problem, as usual, is my anxiety.

My anxiety shows itself in many different forms.  Sometimes it is excess worry over work or money.  Most times, I’m anxious without real reason.  Currently, I’m anxious about a new relationship.  The anxiety I’m experiencing right now is the most difficult to deal with, as it is mixed with happiness.  Yes, I know that sounds contradictory, but it is possible to be anxious and happy at the same time.  It’s confusing, but it’s possible.  I can go from elation to full panic attack at the drop of a hat.  Little things come up in this new relationship that send me into an anxious wreck.  Yet as soon as I talk it out with my new partner, I’m fine.  I’ve never in my life shared such a connection with a man.  He doesn’t get upset at me when I tell him my feelings.  He listens and finds ways to understand me.  Every day I’m falling harder and harder for him.

 

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So herein lies the problem.  Instead of ruminating about money or work, I have obsessive repetitious thoughts about a man.  Thoughts not appropriate for my blog posts.  Therefore, I have nothing to write about.  There has been very little else going on in my brain.  Time will settle my anxiousness, and I will once again be a “normal” girl.  Normal, of course, is relative.  Until then, my posts will be sparce and, more than likely, about him.  But only the non-X-rated things.  Those I am keeping for myself.

 

Let Me Tell You A Story…

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When I was a little girl, I dreamt of falling in love.  The fairytale kind filled with romance and butterflies.  At the age of 21, I was married to a nice man, but not the right man.  After the marriage ended, I had a string of terrible relationships that left me hurt and guarded.  My last relationship ended almost five years ago, and I’ve kept my heart under lock and key ever since.  That is until now.

A little over three weeks ago, I had what I thought would be another insignificant Tinder coffee date.  My hope for meeting “the one” has slowly dwindled these past five years, so I wasn’t expecting much from this meet up.  We met on a Sunday morning at my regular cafe.  He was sitting on the patio when I arrived, but I wasn’t sure he recognized me.  Just when I was going to walk by and go in, he stood up and said “hello”.  That voice!  Being as discreet as I could, I eyed him up as we walked to the counter to order our coffee.  Attractive, good shape, tattoo on one arm, dressed well, tall, dark, and handsome.  OH and great smile.

That morning we had coffee for two hours.  I didn’t want to leave him, but I was starving. When I told him I had to leave because I needed to eat lunch, he asked if I was going out somewhere for lunch.  I said I was, and I asked him if he wanted to join me.  “Yes”  He did.  I enjoyed spending time with him, but It was to early to determine what I thought of him as a potential partner.  He is a truck driver and out of town Monday to Friday, but he asked me if I’d be interested in having dinner with him next Saturday.  Plans were made, and we parted ways.

The following weekend, we had our dinner together.  We had some drink and laughs; he was easy to be with.  We made plans to go for a hike the following day.  He was a complete gentleman.  He had made no attempts to kiss me the first two weekends we spent together.  Our next weeked together involved dinner again on Saturday, and he came back to my place to play guitar and have drinks.  I let him sleep on the couch because he had been drinking… still he did not try to kiss me.  That Sunday we took a drive to a neighbouring town (2 hours away) to go shopping.   When he opened to door to the mall for me, he put his other hand on the small of my back to guide me in.  MY HEART FLUTTERED.  As we wandered from store to store, he would touch my low back, or hip just enough to show his interest.  When we returned to town, I invited him for dinner….

While I was preparing the meal, my anxiety decided to act up.  The music was too loud, he was talking, food was cooking — I could feel the panic rise in my chest.  When I asked him to lower the volume, he did right away, and I had to tell him about my anxiety.  He was caring and understanding.  When dinner was ready, we ate and then he stood up and walked over to my chair.  He leaned over me, and then….. he kissed me.  I have never in my life been kissed like that.  Firm but gentle, slow but eager… it still sends shivers down my spine when I think of it.

He left the next day for another week on the road, which then brings us to this past weekend.  There was no denying the physical attraction we had for each other.  We had so much fun together this weekend, and yes — we took it to the next level.  It was more than amazing.  He left on Monday, and since he left, I’ve been super anxious about my growing feelings for him.  If he didn’t text or call, I was worried he wasn’t feeling the same as I was… yesterday was bad, but I worked my way through my anxiety.  Then, at 8:35pm, he called.  He had been out of cell service all day, but he said he had been thinking of me non-stop.  He told me he really liked me, and it made him happy how much he liked me.  I admitted my fears, and he told me I had no reason to fear this — I believe him.  I feel so connected to him even though it’s only been a few weeks.   Time will tell if this is the one I’ve been waiting for.  For reasons I can’t explain, however, I believe he is.

I’m happy, and for the first time in a very long time, I’m excited about the future.  I’m not niave; I know love takes time.  I’m falling, however.  Falling for the most honest, beautiful man I’ve ever met.  This is the beginning of a new story — a love story.

M.I.A.

My blog has had to take a back seat these past few weeks.  Work and my personal life have been busier than usual, which I’m happy about.  Still, I miss my writing time.  When I take breaks from posting, I end up with a bad case of writer’s block.  I don’t even have time to be writing now — I have 15 minutes before I need to clear off my desk and dash off to another Dr.’s appointment.

My Dr. wants to have me tested for anemia because I’ve been really tired lately.  I personally think it’s my body adjusting to the new meds, but I guess better safe than sorry.  I have a fun afternoon of blood work and voting.  It’s provincial election day here in Canada, and I never skip out on voting.

In other news, I’m still seeing my Trucker friend and it is going very well.  I am going to try and write more about that tonight.  I don’t want to speak to quickly, but so far it seems to be going really good.  I like him a lot, and I’m pretty sure he’s feeling the same way.

Anyway, I’m off to get stuck my needles.  I have been reading your blogs, or at least as much as I can… I hope to be back to regular posts very soon.

 

Life’s Highway

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With the smell of love in the air, my world has shifted once again, and I’m struggling to keep myself on stable ground.

First of all “love” is an over-statement.  I’ve spent two weekends with a man who, so far, seems decent.  He drives truck Mon – Fri, so we hang out on weekends only.  Since my anxiety keeps me on a pretty tight schedule, this works well for me.  Although I still have to try and rearrange my weekends to make this happen.  Last weekend, I barely worked on my studies, and now I’m stressed about being behind.  I received an email last night from the gym I will be teaching at, and they want to have a two hour staff meeting this Sunday.  Not a big deal normally, but now I need to fit in house work, grocery shop, study, hang out with the man, go to the staff meeting, get to the gym, walk the dog, and get to my moms for dinner — all on Sunday before I start another crazy busy week at work.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about meeting someone.  It’s too early to say if it will get serious, but compared to the many dates I’ve had over the past five years — it’s looking good.  Five years.  I can’t believe I’ve been single for that long.  That’s a long time to get stuck in my ways.  It is going to take some serious work on my part to include another person in my life.  My life revolves around managing my anxiety disorder.  I rely heavily on routine.  Without it, I get overwhelmed.  Everything in my life is scheduled and organized — including my downtime.  I don’t relax until the work is done.  Routine and dating do not go hand-in-hand, unfortunately.

Romance requires a certain level of spontaneity.  Last minute weekend get-a-ways, unexpected sleep overs, breakfast in bed, surprise date nights…. you get the picture.  Love is hard for someone like me.  My reaction to a break in routine is severe anxiety — sometimes panic.  My mind won’t let go of what I “should be” doing; therefore, I spend the whole time feeling stressed out and unhappy.  I wish I were different, but I’m not.  Loving me takes a special kind of man.  Not that I’m unlovable — I’m actually a really nice and caring person.  But I need someone who can understand that life it difficult for me.  My mind works on overdrive daily, and it’s exhausting at time.  I call it the battle of the brain.  Constant check ins to ensure my thoughts are rational.  Ongoing internal reassurance that everything is ok — that it’s just my anxiety playing games with me.

My anxiety has played an unhelpful role in most of my past relationship.  I have a track record of picking the assholes.  The ones who see my anxiety as a means to manipulation.  I’ve picked these types in the past because I think it’s all I deserve.  I’m afraid the good ones won’t understand me, and I don’t want to be judged by a man I respect.  I’m working on changing these beliefs, however.  This guy is nice and decent, and I’ve already told him about my anxiety — he hasn’t run away yet.  There is no denying that I’m terrified of this going anywhere, but I’m also excited and hopeful that it does.  Life is a journey with no destination, and I need to learn how to sit back and enjoy the ride.

“Life is a highway, and I want to ride it all night long” — Tom Cochrane

 

 

Money, Love, and Gum

There are three main things in my life right now that I am focusing on: Money, Love, and Gum.  The first, and most important, is money.  I have a love/hate relationship with the dollar bills, and it is the number one trigger for my anxiety.  There never seems to be enough of it for one.   I’ve been pretty careful with my money since purchasing my condo, but since the move, I’ve had a $1500 car expense, a $700 income tax bill, and now I need $450 for new glasses.  I simply do not make enough money in this very expensive world we live in.  But I’m doing something about it.  I’ve talked with the owners of a new gym coming to town, and I’m going to pick up a couple of classes a week for some extra CASH.  I don’t really want to work more, but we’ve had a wage freeze at my work for two years, so I need to find alternative income methods.

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LOVE…. hmmm.  Well I think I want to find love, so I’m making an effort in this area too.  I’ve recently met someone — it hasn’t become romantic yet (not even a kiss), but I think it has some potential.  This is the first man I’ve met in years who seems to be decent.  He wants to find something serious, and he’s willing to take things slow.  He’s 6.5 years older than me, which I like.  He’s in good shape, and his one and only child is 25 years old.  Works for me.  It’s way to early to guess which way this is going to go, but so far so good.

 

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Lastly, I’m trying to rid myself of a terrible gum habit.  This may seem ridiculous, but I seriously can’t stop chewing gum.  13 years ago, I quit smoking.  Over the past 13 years, I’ve been on and off nicorette (nicotine gum).  Last year, I decided enough was enough and I forced myself to give up the nicorette.  YEAH me… but not really.  I’ve now got myself a “regular” gum habit.  Mentos gum to be exact.  I chew it all day long.  When I try to stop, I get restless and anxious.  It’s pretty much driving me crazy.  It’s also embarrasing — for real… who gets addicted to gum.  Image result for money love and gum

Anyway I’ve been trying daily affirmations for all three areas of my life I’m working on.  Every morning, when I write out my food journal, I write out my daily affirmations…

“I am a magnet for money… Money comes easily to me…”

“I deserve love and respect….”

………………And then there’s nothing.  I have no affirmation to help me overcome GUM — my nemesis…….. One day my sticky little friend – one day.

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