Once Upon A Time, So Very Long Ago

About this time ever year, I get a little sentimental and reflective.  August 22, would have marked my 19th wedding anniversary, if I had remained married.  I was married in 1998, and divorced August 20th, 2008.  Two days shy of 10 years.  Divorce doesn’t happen the minute you separate from someone in Canada.  We have to wait a minimum of one year before we are allowed to file.  My separation took place two years before the divorce, so in actual fact, my marriage ended 11 years ago.

For many years after the end of my marriage, I would feel sadness during the “would-be” anniversary date.  Time has happened, however, and so have my feelings.  I no longer miss my ex-husband or the life we had.  New holiday traditions have formed, lovers have come and gone, and I am not the same person I was back then.  Unlike many people, my marriage did not end on a bitter or hateful note.  My ex-husband was not an asshole; he didn’t cheat, he treated me ok, and I cared for him deeply.  Sometimes, things just aren’t meant to be forever.  We were young when we married, and we were not equipped to handle the difficult childhoods we had come from.  We needed eachother for a time, and we (or at least I) learned from the experience.

I still thing back, however, on our anniversary.  The memories I used to cry over have faded, but I’m reminded of where I was in life at the time.  The struggles I had then, and the struggles I still had to face.  Years have passed, and I’ve made mistakes, failed, and picked myself back up many times.  I don’t have any illusions that I have completely figured out my life, but I do feel wiser and more settled.  I’m now in my 40s, and I feel a certain peace with myself.  I’ve grown to love myself, and I allow myself to feel proud of who I am.  I’ve learned to accept and forgive myself, and I’m generally happy with where I am in life.

It’s hard to believe it’s been 19 years since I walked down the isle.  So long ago, when I naively believed I had all the answer.  Life goes by in the blink of an eye, and it’s not until we are older do we start to appreciate our days.  Probably because we know how few days we have left.  Aging is bittersweet.

 

On a Love Train – Destination Unknown

Image result for Lovers on a train track

 

Tomorrow marks the one month meeting of the new man in my life.  I’ve yet to talk about him; mainly because I’m not sure where I’m at or how I feel about him.   This has been an unusual year for me love wise.  Not that I’ve found love, but I was getting pretty close a few months ago, or so I thought.  For the first time in five years, I had met someone I really like, and I was sure it was going to go somewhere.  I dove in head first — big mistake.  This time is different.

In respect to his privacy, I will call him JOE.  Joe and I have friends in common, and they apparently tried to set us up last year.  I don’t think they tried that hard, but I do remember them mentioning his name.  At around the same time, I was talking with a man on POF… it turns out it was Joe.  Nothing came of our chats back then.  More recently, he popped up again on POF, and we made plans to meet.  Which again did not happen.  This is a common occurance on dating sites.  You chat for a bit and then it fades unless a definite date plan is made.  A month ago, Joe reappeared.  He was at our mutual friends house, and somehow they pieced together that we were the ones they were trying to set up.

He messaged me, and we made plans to meet.  The first couple of meetings were quick mid-day drinks.  He was nice, but I wasn’t sure what I thought of him.  However, we continued to make plans to meet up, and it eventually led to an intimate relationship.  Physically we connect very well.  We get along, and I do enjoy his company.  BUT…. there is a “But”.  I’m having trouble connecting to him mentally.  He is very introverted, and he doesn’t show his interest in a way I can feel.  Does that make any sense?  He has told me he likes me, but I don’t feel it.  I believe him; I just don’t feel him.  He has to be told to text or phone me, and I have to pry his thoughts from him.

As much as I understand our differences, I still have this unnerving feeling he isn’t interested.  I know he is, but I don’t feel he is.  My brain and my heart are not inline with this one.  I really do like him, and I want to give it a go.  My concern is my needs will not be met in the end.  I am an extrovert.  I have introverted tendencies, but I’m still an extrovert.  I get energy from talking and being around others.  I wish I were more introverted, but I can’t change who I am.  My feelings for him are growing stronger daily, and it scares me.  One month is not a long time, so now is the time to make the decision about moving forward.  However, I don’t know the answer.  More time is needed, and all I can hope is my heart doesn’t have to take another hit.

There it is folks.  When I wrote about my previous “almost love” there was nothing but thrills and excitement.  This one couldn’t be more different.  This time I’m on a slow moving love train – destination unknown.

When Life is All Good

 

How do you write when life is all good?

No pain to inspire; the hearts as it should.

How does art flow when nothing is wrong?

When tears are dried up; hurts are long gone.

Why is misery my creative tool?

When happiness just makes me act like a fool.

Will words of deep meaning come from pure joy?

Or will contentment be my poetic destroy?

In writing this piece, I question my mind;

Hoping for answers, but none did I find.

Never shall I doubt the power of sorrow;

Yet I wish for it not today or tomorrow.

 

Green Eyes Crying in The Smoke

High Hoe High Hoe — back to work I go.  Well actually I returned yesterday, but as expected, my first day back was crazy.  A weeks worth of disgruntled employees lined the hallways waiting to tell me their woes.  I so badly wanted to reply “wtf are you whining about?  I just spent my vacation days locked in my house because our town has been covered in forest fire smoke for a month”  Instead, I said things like “I understand how frustrating that must have been for you, how can I help?”

Since this is my blog, I will spill out my woes to you all.  Like I was saying, I spent a weeks worth of holidays mostly indoors.  I did get out to a couple parties, I went to the gym, I shopped, I watched documentaries, and I DRANK and had sex.  So it wasn’t all bad — haha.  What I really wanted, however, was to lay on the beach or run the trails behind my house.  I wanted fun in the sun not tears in the smoke.  I wasn’t crying… no, no, no… my eyes were leaking due to a heavy dose of forest fire smoke.  Everything smells like campfire right now.  Even the towels inside my house.  It’s disturbing to reach for your bath towel after a refreshing shower only to smell fire.

OK there it’s out of my system — I’m done bitching for now.  Day 2 of my regular routine, and I’m feeling pretty good.  I attribute this mainly to my new lifestyle of veganism.  I not just vegan, I’m eating a plant based, whole food diet now.  I made this change just over two weeks ago after watching numerous disturbing documentaries.  Why change?  I’ve been asked this by everyone I know, so let me share.  Number one — we are killing the planet with agriculture.  We no longer raise animals on small farms.  NOPE, agriculture has taken a noise dive right to world destruction.  Animals are now treated with such cruelty just because we overindulge in meat and animal products.  I watched some of this treatment, and it made me cry.

Number TWO: Read the China Study… eating plant based, whole foods reduces your risk of heart disease, cancer, and other life threatening diseases.

Number THREE:

Animal agriculture is responsible for 18 percent of greenhouse gas emissions, more than the combined exhaust from all transportation. – Source “Cowspiracy.com”

I have many other numbers to go through, but I think I’ve made my point.  Most of my friends have told me to stop watching documentaries.  I, on the other hand, am ecstatic about my choice.  I feel amazing, and I’ve lost 7lbs in two weeks.  I EAT all the time now, and I’m never hungry.  Life is good.

Besides my new way of feeding myself, I’ve got a new man in my life.  More on him tomorrow.  Time to get back to work — now I’m really crying.  Until tomorrow my friends, be well.

 

My Life Transformed

Sadly, I have neglected my blog over the past couple of months with only random posts from time to time.  I started this blog over a year ago, and since that time, I’ve created some positive change in my life.  Slowly, I’ve crawled my way out of a very stagnant time in my life, and the rewards are starting to come to fruition.  My journey has been filled with anxiety, fear, heartache, and a lot of confusion, but I’m thankful I pushed myself on.  As my life is transforming, so will this blog.  In three days, I start a week long staycation.  During my time of work reprieve, I will be dedicating myself to reconnecting with the blogsphere and reshaping my blog.

Before I do, I want to share where I was and where I am now going.  Just over a year ago, I was living a life that seemed void of meaning.  I was a few years out of an abusive relationship, living in a home I had grown out of, and basically drinking myself out of boredom.  No, I was not an alcoholic, but my only source of pleasure was my end of the day couple of glasses of wine.  This was the beginning of my life change.  There was no lightbulb moment or epiphany, just a desire for more.  The problem was, I didn’t know what I needed or wanted — I just knew I wasn’t happy.  With that in mind, I came off my anxiety medication, sold my trailer, bought a condo, enrolled in online university courses, and started dating again.  Not all at once — it all happened over the course of about six months.

After moving into my condo, I had a melt down.  I wasn’t coping, and I wasn’t really any happier.  Feeling defeated, I went back on anxiety medication.  Shortly after, I met a man who seemed to be everything I had been waiting for.  I rushed in blindly because it felt good.  I was too blind to see the red flags that were waved right in front of my face, and it ended with confusion and heart ache.  At the same time, work pressured mounted, and I fell into a depression.  That was about the time my blog posts became less and less frequent.  Two months later, I end up where I am today.  This post, however, is not about what has changed — that is a TBC…..

I’ve hit a major turning point in my life, and this post is a good-bye to the past.  I’m now able to look back and see that everything that happen was necassary.  I would not have come to this point without experiencing pain.  PAIN = Growth.  There is a fire in my heart now, and I’m filled with a new sense of passion.  I’m excited to share my new self with all of my friends here, so stay tuned for a new story.

What a World We Live In — Junkified

There is nothing better than receiving an unasked for Dick PIC on a beautiful Friday morning.  Seriously, what has this world come to.  You can’t even have a drink with a man without him assuming that’s code for “please send me a picture of your flaccid penis.”

Maybe I’m getting old, but is this really what dating has become?  What happened to the old fashion style of getting to know someone before showing them your genitals? This type of courtship, believe it or not, does not work for me.  I’m sorry to break it to you men, but a nake pic of your weiner will not get you a second date with me.  Let me tell you what kind of reaction you will get from me….

First, I will tell you to stop messaging me, and I will likely throw a few not so choice words in the mix.  Second, I am going to show everyone I know your ity bity dinky, and we will all laugh at it.  Is that what you were hoping for?  If so, you succeeded.  Every girl in my office has had a good ol’ laugh at your bits today.  I would think most men are not looking for laughter when it comes to their penis.  But, hey, what do I know — I have an innie.

I will never understand the thought process behind sending dick pics.  Maybe that’s it — there is no thought.  Just a primal instinct to get the dick out there and see who bites.  In this post, I’d like to get the message out to all them dick pic sending men in the world.  PLEASE STOP!  You will have much better luck by being a gentleman.  Even if you have an amazing looking Tool, we still don’t want to get a picture of it.  There may be a select few out there that this will work on, but is that really the type of woman you are looking for?  I sure hope not.

I don’t know if it’s a thing for men to receive unwanted female junk pics, but if it is, well shame on the women sending them.  Have some respect for yourselves.  On that note — I’m off for an afterwork Friday beverage.  I need something to erase the floppy noodle picture stuck in my brain.

Happy Friday Bloggers and may you all have a junk pic free weekend.

Firestorm

Image result for Fires In BC

My view of the world is full of smoke and ashes.  The wildfires in BC have full cities evacuated, and over 40,000 of them have come to our city for refuge.  The air is thick with smoke, and everyone is feeling the stress of the situation.  I haven’t written in over a week because I’ve been so consumed with the devastation.  Our city’s residents have gone above and beyond to support and house the evacuees, and I couldn’t be more proud to live where I do.

Unfortunately, the heavy smoke makes it impossible to feel good.  People are staying inside, and everyone is feeling down and restless.  I haven’t been able to run outside in weeks — thank god for the gym.  I’m really noticing the affect the smoke has had on my lungs.   I’m struggling with cardio, and I haven’t even attempted a heavy strength day.  My dog is restless because I won’t take her outside.  She is so small, and I worry the smoke will be too much for her little lungs.  My evenings are spent in my bedroom with curtains shut and Netflix playing.  My living room has floor to ceiling windows that highlight the haze over our town.

This past week has been difficult, as I watch people on Facebook and TV cry for their lost pets and homes.  Our downtown businesses are filled with displaced people trying to keep themselves busy, so as not to think about whether or not they will have a home to return to.  It’s a sad and scary time for our province.  My only hope is that we will catch a break with the weather and get some rain.  Unlikely, but I hope none-the-less.  Currently our weather has been extremely hot with high winds.  The wind is what brings the billows of smoke into the valley of our city.  Everywhere smells like a campfire even inside buildings and cars.  If I knew a dance for rain, I’d do it all day.