This is Why We Do it

It’s been awhile since I’ve reflected on my blog.  Why do I write?  Who do I write for? etc. etc.  I think my reasons and audience have changed a great deal since I started my blog a year ago.  Some people have very specific blogs.  They have purpose behind why they write and what they write about.  I’m not really one of those people.  Not that I don’t have purpose.  It’s just my purpose changes as my life changes.

A year ago, I was taking a technical communication course, and we had to learn about blog writing.  That was how it all started.  There was no great epiphany, or any specific topic I wanted to write about.  I just wanted to write.  I like writing as a way of expressing myself.  I tried to put some purpose to the blog.  To begin I wrote about being a single, career woman with no children.  That filled up at least two blog posts.  Admittedly, my start up was very weak.  I’ve had periods over the past year of decent writing, and times of just crap.  Sometimes, it’s just not there.  Nothing interesting to talk about or too much anxiety to express myself.

Today, as I ponder my reasons, I have settled with this: I write now because it has become part of who I am.  I am a blog writer.  I may not be a great one, and to be perfectly honest, I don’t give a shit.  I write about me.  What daily life looks like from the mind of someone who suffers from extreme anxiety and at times depression.  I share myself with the world, so I can feel part of it.  Not only do I write, I read.  I follow blogs of all types, but mostly I follow those of you who share what your world looks like.  I see life through different eyes in different parts of the world.  My fellow bloggers have become my support and I hope I have been that for them.

Hmmmm…. bit of an emotional post for today, but hey, it’s raining.   Rainy days require rainy posts.  Thanks to all my friends here on WordPress — you mean a lot.

Beautiful Words

Beautiful words can make the world go round; they can empower, inspire, motivate, and invigorate our souls when put together in just the right way.  Words express our emotions, feelings and thoughts — they allow us to share a piece of ourselves with others.  I am in love with beaufitul words. Sorrowful, joyful, enlightening, frightening words, it doesn’t matter what their purpose — I love them all.

I learned to read at an early age; I found words fasinating even as a child.  As a little girl, I believed that my favorite musicians wrote their songs as a way of speaking to me directly. Their words let me know them, and in turn, I believed they knew me.  Ì had imaginary relationships with Billy Joel, Simon and Garfunkel, John Denver, and ABBA (did I just age myself?).  They may not have know me in the traditional way, but their shared views on life connected us to eachother.  Their words brought comfort and protection to a child lost in the madness of her own mind.

I read constantly, whether it be novels, news articles, poems, musical lyrics, or blog posts. I’ve never measured, but I would guess that over half of my waking day is spent reading and 20% of it writing.  I write emails, micro blogs, blog posts, essays, text messages, hand written journals, and sticky reminders all day long.  I feel naked without a keyboard or pen at my hands.  It doesn’t matter to me how accepted my writing is, as some of my favorite posts have been completely passed by, and I’m ok with that.  At this early stage of sharing my words, I am encourage with even single “Like” I receive.   The joy of writing to me is in the process, not the end result.  Of course, I’m pleased if I produce something of value to others, as that is my intent.  However, I understand that writing is an art form that requires practice and skill.

So in my conclusion, I want to acknowledge and appreciate all the beautiful writers.  Every one of you; novice or masterful, thank you for being so giving of yourselves.  I respect and value the gift you are to the world.

I Hate Writing Essays

I never thought I would be writing essays at the age of 41, but here I am agonizing my way through an expository paper.  I did not go to university after high school and my education (or lack of) has always made me feel self-conscious.  In my early 20s, I took an administrative/bookkeeping program at a local college and then work my way up to management and human resources.

Last year, I made the decision to enroll in an online business program through our local university.  The first course I took was an English prep course, which I really enjoyed – mostly because I got an A+ in the class.  I am now taking a technical writing class, and I can’t say I’m in love with it.  I enjoy most of the writing tasks, and I understand the lessons, but there are too many essays to write.  Why exactly do I need to know how to write an essay in business?  I have worked in the business world for 18 years, and you know what?  I have never been asked to write an essay for work.

Honestly, I thought that the essay writing part of the course would be my favorite.  I enjoy writing, so why wouldn’t it be.  Unfortunately, since I have an anxious brain, I have a difficult time putting my thoughts into any kind of order.  I have written two essays so far, and both of them were short – 800 words.  Each essay took me two weeks to write because I couldn’t figure out just what points were important and how to make it clear and concise.  I try to write out an outline, but that is completely pointless.  I end up changing my mind on what I want to highlight, move things around, and end up writing a dozen drafts.  I work for hours at a time, only to stare at a page or words I hate.  My head hurts, and my eyes are red from sitting in front of my computer screen.  I know eventually I will get to a finished product, but coming up with a half descent draft is like finding Mr. Right on an online dating site.  Wow, I just compared essay writing to my dating life – that’s depressing on so many levels.

Anyway, I’m blogging about this today because I have spent the past 3 days working on an expository essay, and I don’t feel any further along than when I started.  I guess I just needed to vent a little.  I don’t remember English being so frustrating back in high school.  Regardless, I will plug along and hope I can make it to the end of this course.  And with any luck I won’t throw my laptop out the window.