Hazy night in The City 

It’s day number three of my greatly needed staycation.  I’m feeling pretty great, but I can’t say the same for our air quality.  I live in the interior of British Columbia, Canada.  If you don’t live near, you may not know that BC is on fire 🔥– literally.  My city is safe, but the winds carry thick forest fire smoke to my home town. For over a month we’ve battled with dangerous breathing air.  

There is a part of me that wants to complain that my holiday is ruin because of the fires, but I’m not going to do that.  Life happens, so it’s up to me to decide how to take it.  I’m taking it with thankfulness that my home is currently not at risk of burning to the ground.  I may not be able to enjoy a glass of wine on a patio, but I can still enjoy a glass of wine.  And that is exactly what I’m doing. 

Sitting in a nearly empty neighbourhood pub; a crisp glass of vegan friendly white wine in hand — I’m relaxing and appreciating my time away from work.  I’ve invited a friend down, and he will be here soon.  On that note, I’m going to put the phone down and scan the room for entertainment.  

Be safe my friends.  

Let There Be Wine – A Poem From The Vine, by Ms. SG41

Here we’ve come to another weeks’ end, and I for one, could not be more pleased.  Some weeks fly by, and I feel a sense of purpose.   Others, such as this week, drag like a fishing line stuck in the mud.  I felt meloncoly all week, but my mood has elavated some today.  It’s amazing how something as simple as “FRIDAY” can turn my frown upside down.  On that note — here’s my weekly poem to start your weekend off right!

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Let There Be Wine

I don’t much care for rum and coke;

No rye on the rocks for me.

I’m not tempted by a whisky shot;

Just because it’s free.

Don’t bother with a lemon drop;

Or a flamming fire ball.

Pour me a glass of Chardonnay;

Quick now before last call.

There’s nothing better in this world;

Than the sweet taste of good wine.

A generous glass of a chilled sauv blanc;

Is sure to sooth this girl’s anxious mind.

 

 

 

 

Little Yellow Pill

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It’s been seven days on my new medication, and this is the first day I have hope they might work for me.  The first couple days back on meds were absolute shit.  I was disorientated, spaced out, tired, dizzy, and more depressed than when I started.  By the fourth day, I was pretty sure I was going to toss the meds in the garbage.  For reasons unknown, I hung in there and dealt the the side effects.

To give the medication a chance to work, I stopped having my 2 glasses of nightly wine.  I know that alcohol is a depressant, and I know I probably shouldn’t drink because of my anxiety, but I LOVE wine.  It wasn’t hard to stop drinking, however, as it was making me feel like shit with the new meds.  My last glass of wine was on Monday, and today I have felt a small shift in my moods.  I neither depressed, nor happy; I’m somewhere inbetween.  I’m ok with being somewhere inbetween because it means improvement.

Improvement after seven days gives me hope that things will only get better with time.  I’m willing to lay off the wine, eat well, get my sleep, and practice my cognative therapy techniques in an effort to feel happy again.  ANYWHOOOO it’s Friday, so I should wrap this up with a little rhyme.

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LITTLE YELLOW PILL

Oh little yellow pill of mine;

Meant to bring my mind some peace.

For you I’ve given up on wine;

Anxiety’s hold I’ll be released.

Although my thoughts are barely there;

And sleeps no where in sight.

Hope still lingers in the air;

Cause I’ve found the will to fight.

So little yellow pill of mine;

You’re a symbol of times to come.

Lead the way for I am blind;

For darkness I will not succumb.

 

 

 

 

 

 

HEAVEN is…

 

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Friday night take out;

To go with chilled wine.

Barefoot and braless;

This evening is mine.

It’s just me and the dog;

Feet up for the night.

Not a care in the world;

Not a worry in sight.

The phone is turned off;

The lights are down low.

Wrapped in a blanket;

I’ve got nowhere to go.

When I grow tired;

I will shuffle to bed.

Heaven’s the feeling;

When pillow meets head.

 

 

 

 

Puppies, Rainbows, and WINE!

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I’m not sure what crawled up mother natures butt this year, but I think it’s high time she gets an enema.  It’s the second week of March, and for the past two nights we’ve had heavy snow falls.  The plow machines woke me from a sex dream at 4:45 a.m. today.  Just what I needed: something else trying to get in the way of me and my orgasm.   Sighhhhh…. Since I was up and sexually frustrated, I thought to myself “why not check the weather forecast.”  Looks like we’re in for more snow over the next few days.  WTF Madame Earth — WTF?  Not funny — look around bitch; nobody’s laughing but you.  Let me tell you something else: CRUTCHES AND SNOW DO NOT MIX — you have no idea how difficult it is to stay upright while crutching on ice.

This morning I met with my new physiotherapist, and I was bummed to hear I still have up to four weeks of recovery.  The good news is I’m allowed on the spin bike for a max of 20 minutes a day, as long as I keep the load light.  YIPPEEEE.  A ray of light at the end of this shit tunnel.  I’m going to crutch my way straight to the gym after work and ride that bike.  I’d leave the crutch at home, but my therapist told me no more limping around.  I’ve been instructed to use at least one crutch at all times.  I don’t normally listen when a man tells me what to do, but in this case I think it’s in my best interest.

All-in-all I feel pretty good about this morning’s session.  Knowing I can get some type of exercise in made my day.   It’s the little things you see, like puppies and rainbows, that make the world go round.  Puppies, rainbows, and wine.

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Comfortably Numb

I heard a saying a few days ago that has really stuck with me.  I can’t remember for the life of me where I heard it, but it went something like this: “You only grow when you are uncomfortable.”

How perfect and true.  It isn’t until we push ourselves out of our comfortable daily routines that we grow.  Being uncomfortable is a fact of life for someone like me.  I’ve lived with anxiety since I was a little girl, so I’m pretty much always in a semi-uncomfortable state.  Because my body is in a constant state of fight or flight, I’m usually looking for ways to feel “comfortable.”  I have a tendancy to find ways to numb myself, whether that be with substances or extreme exercise.  By substances, I mean wine.   In my earlier life, I dabbled with other substances but nothing took — thank goodness.  Wine, however, is the lover that I can’t seem to leave.  Wine and exercise make up the theme of my life.

Due to an unfortunately accident that left me with a torn calf muscle, I can’t exercise right now.  I can’t even walk — I’m limping along like a three legged dog.  It’s a sad sad sight.  Without exercise I have only wine to ease my anxiety, but I’ve had to limit that as well.  My workouts cancel out the calories from the wine.  No work out — limited wine.  Notice I say limited, not eliminated.   I’m living an impossible dilemma right now.   So impossible, I’ve had to slow down and find alternative relaxation methods.  This brings me back to my original point of personal growth in uncomfortable times.  I don’t feel like I’m growing, but I maybe, just maybe, I am.

I’ve had to slow myself down to deal with my anxiety.  I can’t run or drink it away, so I have no choice but to deal with it head on.  Sober and restless.  I’m by no means cured; my anxiety is pretty bad right now.  BUT I’m surviving, and I’ve been able to achieve brief moments of calm.  That may sound pretty insignificant, but it’s the little things that end up becoming the big changes in our lives.  I don’t know if I will ever get to a place where I don’t need to somewhat numb myself.  I don’t know any other way to shut down the noise in my head.  Even when I was on meds, I still had my workouts and wine.  BUT one never knows what the future will hold.  There may be a day when I will find balance.  Stranger things have happened.

 

 

A Day in Panic

  
Crutches, expenses and I was three days late.  Screams all around my anxiety’s my fate.   A room with a view… breath taking; agreed? Overwhelmed and frustrated; runinations got me. 

My brother; my twin. Mirrored image of mind.  You came but then left; still we’re one of a kind. One  glass, two, who’s counting — just you.  White gold by the bottle makes me feel brand new.  

It’s time to shut down, breathe in and let go. Another day gone; a life lived alone. Morning will come and maybe you’ll wake. With hope in your eyes; the world offered to take.  

Darkness falls once more in the room. But tonight with my drink I don’t feel its gloom. Goodnight to all who suffer in pain. Let’s hope that tomorrow we’ll feel happy again. 

KK – aka Ms Smarty Girl 41 (Ms SG41)