Hazy night in The City 

It’s day number three of my greatly needed staycation.  I’m feeling pretty great, but I can’t say the same for our air quality.  I live in the interior of British Columbia, Canada.  If you don’t live near, you may not know that BC is on fire 🔥– literally.  My city is safe, but the winds carry thick forest fire smoke to my home town. For over a month we’ve battled with dangerous breathing air.  

There is a part of me that wants to complain that my holiday is ruin because of the fires, but I’m not going to do that.  Life happens, so it’s up to me to decide how to take it.  I’m taking it with thankfulness that my home is currently not at risk of burning to the ground.  I may not be able to enjoy a glass of wine on a patio, but I can still enjoy a glass of wine.  And that is exactly what I’m doing. 

Sitting in a nearly empty neighbourhood pub; a crisp glass of vegan friendly white wine in hand — I’m relaxing and appreciating my time away from work.  I’ve invited a friend down, and he will be here soon.  On that note, I’m going to put the phone down and scan the room for entertainment.  

Be safe my friends.  

Frantically Waiting For The L. Weekend!!!

As I walked down the halls of my office building, I noticed that almost everyone had left early to start their long weekend.  I received emails all day from co-workers informing me of their early departure to attend appointments.  How strange: who books appointments at the end of a work day just before a long weekend?  Or maybe….. they are lying?  Wouldn’t it be refreshing if instead of faking an appointment, they just said, “hey everyone, I’m fucking off early today because I’m not being productive anyway — happy long weekend.”

No one is productive just before a long weekend.  Our minds have left, but our body remains.  I’m usually right there with them all, but today I actually had a lot of work to get done.  So, I remained as the last person in the building, rushing to finish a project that was thrown my way last minute.  DAMN IT.

Oh well, I have one fitness class to teach tonight and then I’m free.  Free for 3 whole days to do whatever I want.  I am itching to get started on relaxing — I can almost taste the wine now!   Freshly showered, bra off, feet on the table and a cold glass of wine in hand: that’s how my weekends gonna start.

I’m gonna put every effort into releasing the anxiety I already have about the weekend going too fast.  It hasn’t even started, and I know it isn’t long enough.

Monday is going to be a ghost town in the office as well.  I received countless vacation day requests from people who want to extend their weekend.  I really need to get on board with everyone else and start taking more time off.  Problem is, I only get 2 weeks holidays and I don’t want to take them one day at a time.  I could take a day off without pay, but losing money does not relax me.

Well I’m just babbling — my post has no purpose other than I felt like putting fingers to keys.  Ok, I’m trying to fill the time between now and my class, and it hasn’t been easy.  I don’t teach until 6pm, so I still have two hours to go.  HURRY UP WEEKEND!

I’m a Quitter

Everything is a blur today.  I woke up feeling ok; went for my run; showered and came to work.  Since 7:30am until right now (11:00am), everything feels wrong.  I feel wrong; the world feels wrong, and it’s all because I QUIT nicorette at 7:00pm last night.  I quit out of the blue, with no plan in place, and today I’m practically crawling out of my skin.

I began chewing nicorette gum after my second attempt to quit smoking, which was about 12 years ago.  It worked; I quit smoking.  Unfortunately, I have been on and off the nicorette gum ever since — mostly, on.  I quit for 10 months last year only to develop an extremely obsessive regular gum addiction.  I was chewing about 3 packs of regular gum a day which was killing my gums and teeth, so I went back to nicorette.

Last night I picked up a small package of nicorette on my way home, but I have yet to open it.  Everytime I thought of having a piece last night I stopped myself and said “do you really need a piece of gum?” I would take a deep breath, and I didn’t have one piece last night.  Nothing so far today; however, it is killing me.   I have wanted to beat this addiction for a long time, but it has a powerful hold on me.  It soothes my anxiety, or at least it seems to.  I want to quit, but I also don’t.    I’m tired of wasting thousands of dollars a year on this crazy addiction.  I worry for my teeth and my general health as well.  I’m scared though.  I feel valunerable and naked.  Regardless I will not let it win today – today I am done.

I’m not allowing myself to chew regular gum in it’s place because I have no desire to pick up that habit again.  But right now I feel really terrible.  There is a buzzing sound in my ears, and I’m totally spaced out.  Strangely my teeth hurt; I think I must be grinding them.  That is probably why my jaw and gums also ache.   I have the worse headache ever, and all I want is a piece of damn gum.  Every few minutes, without thought, I reach for my purse to grab a piece of gum.  The only thing I can do is keep breathing.  Deep slow breaths.  All I need to do is make it through today, and maybe tomorrow will be better.

Today’s mantras

I CAN DO THIS – I CAN DO THIS – I CAN DO THIS – I CAN DO THIS

Take a deep breathe – breathe – relax – breathe

The withdrawal maybe excruciating, but I will keep my thoughts positive.  I will visualize myself calm and addiction free.  I will think about the money saved, and picture my savings account getting bigger.  I will remember why I want to quit, and I will remember that I am strong – stronger than the addiction.

I can do this – I know I can.