Sir Mixed Message A Lot

It’s here — the BIG F is finally here.       FUCK!     and it’s also Friday; I love Fridays… and the word “fuck”.  It one of those feel good words.  YEAH it’s fucking Friday baby, and I have myself booked right up for the evening.  Drinks at my place right after work with a girlfriend followed up with a Tinder date.  Look out boy — I’m feeling aggressive.

Mr. Asshole sent another text message last night.  After I specifically told him I wouldn’t deal with this by text.  His message basically said “hey, so it’s all your fault for liking me too much.  I’m a pussy and can’t handle emotions well.  I may have told you I was falling hard for you, but you are falling too fast and it freaked me out.  SO I lied about being hung up on my ex.  That was an excuse.  I wanted to put it on me, so I didn’t hurt you.  I’m not ready for anything this serious”

WTF?  Ok, he didn’t word it exactly like that — it was way worse, but that was the jist of is.  The guy is a complete mind fucker.  I had to scroll through my message to see if maybe I had only imagined all the things he told me over the past five weeks.  Guess what?  I hadn’t.  It was all there in blue and white text bubbles.  Message after message, he told me he thinks about me all the time, he misses me when we weren’t together, that he was falling hard for me etc — it goes on and on and on.  I’m completely dumbfounded as to how “I” was the one falling too hard.  Regardless, I told him to take a hike.  I’m not going to lie; that wasn’t easy for me.  I “did” like him.  Past tense intended.

SO onward and upward I go, high ho.  It’s off to swoon after another.  If I fall too fast, so be it.  The right man won’t care because he will be right there along side me.  Drinking a beer (or wine, or whiskey, or…)  smacking that!  Cause baby got back.

Ain’t Nothing Gonna Break My Stride

TGIF………..Tomorrow.  It’s been one hell of a week, and I’m ready to find myself some good old distractions.  Like my aunt always said, “The best way to get over a guy is to get under another.”  I’ve personally never rolled that way, but there’s always a first time.  I could be all talk.  OK, I’m all talk, but I do have a date lined up.

The past six weeks of my life hit me like a tornado.  I met a guy, really liked a guy, started to fall for a guy, then had the wind knocked right out of me.  I didn’t even see it coming.  It’s been five days of little to no contact from said guy, and I’m just starting to gain some perspective on the situation.  First of all, it’s true I was starting to fall for the guy.  But in reality, I didn’t know him that well.  Obviously.  That means, I was falling for something I thought he was, not who he really was.  Secondly, I’m ready for love, and I’m not going to let this set me back.  I’m moving forward regardless of my disappointment and sadness.

I have no false illusions that my date is going to turn out to be mr. right.  I don’t really care at this point.  I just want to be reminded that there are other men out there, and I am going to be ok.  AND who knows; maybe he will be great… or maybe… he will be GREAT, if you catch my drift. (insert wink)

 

Good-Bye Letter For An Asshole

Image result for finding closure

When a relationship ends, it is always better to find some type of closure.  Unfortunately, the man I was seeing didn’t give me that opportunity.  He simply sent a text saying he was confused about his feelings for his ex.  PERIOD.  Done.  I, of course, will not engage in a texting war over this, so we haven’t spoken since.  Now I’m left to my own devices to find closure.  Solution???? Blog it out.

This, I hope, will be the last post I write about the asshole who broke my heart.  He doesn’t deserve anymore screen time.  However, I need to get it out of my system, and my blog is as good as any place to vent.  I thought about writing and emailing a letter to him, but I don’t believe that will make me feel better.  If anything, it will feed his narcissistic arsehole needs.  I don’t know that he’s actually a narcissist; he’s given me no alternative but to guess why he behaved the way he did.  Anyway, I want to write him a letter even if he never sees it.  This is that letter:

Dear Asshole:

It doesn’t seem to matter how many of your type I meet, I’m still always surprised at how much of a dick people can be.  You came around pretending to be an honourable man with good intentions.  You told me I was beautiful, smart, funny, and amazing.  You sent me daily text messages and called me every night to tell me how much you were falling for me.  When I told you how scared I was to let my heart go, you promised you were not going anywhere.  You appeared to be the man I’ve been waiting for.  I trusted you.

I see now that it was all a game to you, and I was nothing more than food for your ego.  You strung me along with false promises and intentions, and then you carelessly tossed me aside when you were full.  You, sir, are a piece of shit.

Still, I hold my head up high and love myself.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable because I am a beautiful person deserving of love.  You may have abused that, but you did not damage me.  You made me stronger and more aware of just how loving I am.  You reminded me that I am capable of trusting and loving someone.  I may have given my love too freely, but I’m ok with that.  Just as easily as I gave my love, I take it back.

Lastly, I forgive you.  I don’t know your reasons for being a coward.  You have your own issues to deal with, and I wish you luck with them.  My only hope is that you do not hurt another loving soul in your journey to self discover.  Today, I have deleted all pictures of you, and day by day, the memory of you will become distant.  Please do not try and reach out to me in the future, as I will not be waiting for you.  I don’t care why you did what you did.  You didn’t show me the respect I deserve; therefore, you are no longer welcome in my heart.  GOODBYE dick head — I’m moving on.

 

Fun Maker

Blonde Woman's Head Peeking Up from the Water from the Eyes Up

I’ve been spinning my wheels since I made the decision to switch up my anxiety meds, which led to the ultimate decision to quit taking them after 10 years of use.  I’ve had ups and downs, and I’m sure I still have a long recover road ahead of me.  Today, however, I’ve decided I’ve had enough.  I’m done talking about it, and I’m ready to move on with life.  To accomplish this, I must make it happen; therefore, this weeks project is THE FUN MAKER.

I need more fun in my life, so I’m setting a goal to do one (1) “NEW FUN” thing a day this week.  In order to make this a successful venture, I’ve set a few rules for myself.

Fun Making Rule Book

  1. Cannot be exercise related. (I work out twice a day as it is; therefore, exercise is a daily hobby and cannot be classified as “NEW FUN.”
  2.  Must not include alcohol.
  3. The television must be left off for the whole week.  (I usually end my day with a show or two, but this just makes me lazy.)
  4. No shopping allowed. (Too often I shop for entertainment when I’m bored.)
  5. No pre-planning. (each fun event must be decided on the day it occurs.  Exception: Wednesday evening my mom is treating me to a pedicure; this will count as my fun for the day)
  6. Be as spontaneous as possible.

Rules may not sound fun, but I know myself; I need rules to follow.

Today’s fun:  Swim in the river after my workout.

The plan is to go straight to the beach after a short workout at the gym.  No stops in between, as I might get side tracked and opt out of my fun time.  During my fun time, I promise myself to be mindful of the event, and I am not allowed to bring any worries or busy brain along for the ride.  I do not have a towel or swim suit with me, so I will have to swim in my workout shorts and then let the sun dry me off before I leave.

Monday Funday: River Swim — Pictures to follow.

Happy Monday Friends.

 

 

The Battle Of AGE

Age

Me and mom Christmas Day 2015

When I look at this picture of my mom and me on Christmas day, I think “Wow, we are getting old.”  No offense mom.  I am 41 years old, and when my mom was my age she had 3 grown children. I am old enough to have a kid in their 20s – I’m glad I don’t have kids to remind me of this fact.

With every decade I reach, I have a little freak out. When I turned 30 I cried over my first grey hair.  I was so upset to be leaving my 20s especially since I was just about to get a divorce.  I was out of my prime (looks) years and on my way to middle age.  OK a little dramatic, but that’s how I felt.  Forty was even worse for me; dating is harder especially since I’m in bed by 9:00 p.m. every night – including Fridays.  Laugh lines no longer appear only when I laugh, and it’s getting harder to find bras that can hold up to gravities evil forces.  I’ve become more cynical and nothing excites me the way it use to.

The summer before I turned 40, I made a sad attempt to hold on to my youth by hanging out with my younger co-workers.  “Clubbing”, however, isn’t the same when the bouncer IDs everyone except you.  And when did it get so damn loud in those places.   I admit to never being much for nightclubs anyway, but I’d like it to still be a viable option.

Nobody prepares you for the changes that happen at 40. So for anyone preparing to start this fantasic time of life, here are a few tips.

ALCOHOL– I can’t drink anymore, because I’m wasted after 3 glasses of wine, and my hangover lasts for 2 days.

DIET -Eating is no longer easy; dairy bloats me, wheat bloats me, if I don’t drink enough water I bloat.  I need extra protein because people lose muscle mass after 40.  I need extra calcium to keep my bones strong, and I must eat 6 small meals a day to keep my energy up.  NO SUGAR, LIMIT COFFEE, REDUCE ALCOHOL (oh wait, I already said that)

WEIGHT GAIN – I gain weight if I think about food, and I need to exercise twice as much to keep my jeans fitting.  If I slip on my clean eating for a few days, I pay for it in the gym for the next month

HAIR –  Yes, I said it “Hair”, if you are anything like me, random hairs will show up anywhere they want.  I suggest keeping a pair of tweezers in your purse, car, work, and bathroom. Thank god for laser hair removal.

The first year of my 40s was terrible; I would even go as far as saying I was depressed.  Luckily, the depression didn’t last, and I was able to start to accept where I was in life.  I’ve had to change my outlook completely, and find new things to entertain me.  That’s the trick – You need to find “NEW” things to try.  I can’t afford to travel the world yet, and I haven’t met the man of my dreams.  So, I had to find smaller bucket list items to tackle.  I’m taking online university courses, I’ve changed up my fitness routine, I started a reading challenge (read 100 novels in 2016), and I started a debt reducing budget.

Aging is going to happen whether I like it or not, and I am not going to spend my life looking at the past.  I am emotionally stronger, wiser, and maybe even a little happier than I was in my younger years. I still have days when I feel “old”, and sometimes I worry about my future.  But that’s part of life, good and bad- Yin and Yang = a balanced life.