My Life Transformed

Sadly, I have neglected my blog over the past couple of months with only random posts from time to time.  I started this blog over a year ago, and since that time, I’ve created some positive change in my life.  Slowly, I’ve crawled my way out of a very stagnant time in my life, and the rewards are starting to come to fruition.  My journey has been filled with anxiety, fear, heartache, and a lot of confusion, but I’m thankful I pushed myself on.  As my life is transforming, so will this blog.  In three days, I start a week long staycation.  During my time of work reprieve, I will be dedicating myself to reconnecting with the blogsphere and reshaping my blog.

Before I do, I want to share where I was and where I am now going.  Just over a year ago, I was living a life that seemed void of meaning.  I was a few years out of an abusive relationship, living in a home I had grown out of, and basically drinking myself out of boredom.  No, I was not an alcoholic, but my only source of pleasure was my end of the day couple of glasses of wine.  This was the beginning of my life change.  There was no lightbulb moment or epiphany, just a desire for more.  The problem was, I didn’t know what I needed or wanted — I just knew I wasn’t happy.  With that in mind, I came off my anxiety medication, sold my trailer, bought a condo, enrolled in online university courses, and started dating again.  Not all at once — it all happened over the course of about six months.

After moving into my condo, I had a melt down.  I wasn’t coping, and I wasn’t really any happier.  Feeling defeated, I went back on anxiety medication.  Shortly after, I met a man who seemed to be everything I had been waiting for.  I rushed in blindly because it felt good.  I was too blind to see the red flags that were waved right in front of my face, and it ended with confusion and heart ache.  At the same time, work pressured mounted, and I fell into a depression.  That was about the time my blog posts became less and less frequent.  Two months later, I end up where I am today.  This post, however, is not about what has changed — that is a TBC…..

I’ve hit a major turning point in my life, and this post is a good-bye to the past.  I’m now able to look back and see that everything that happen was necassary.  I would not have come to this point without experiencing pain.  PAIN = Growth.  There is a fire in my heart now, and I’m filled with a new sense of passion.  I’m excited to share my new self with all of my friends here, so stay tuned for a new story.

Firestorm

Image result for Fires In BC

My view of the world is full of smoke and ashes.  The wildfires in BC have full cities evacuated, and over 40,000 of them have come to our city for refuge.  The air is thick with smoke, and everyone is feeling the stress of the situation.  I haven’t written in over a week because I’ve been so consumed with the devastation.  Our city’s residents have gone above and beyond to support and house the evacuees, and I couldn’t be more proud to live where I do.

Unfortunately, the heavy smoke makes it impossible to feel good.  People are staying inside, and everyone is feeling down and restless.  I haven’t been able to run outside in weeks — thank god for the gym.  I’m really noticing the affect the smoke has had on my lungs.   I’m struggling with cardio, and I haven’t even attempted a heavy strength day.  My dog is restless because I won’t take her outside.  She is so small, and I worry the smoke will be too much for her little lungs.  My evenings are spent in my bedroom with curtains shut and Netflix playing.  My living room has floor to ceiling windows that highlight the haze over our town.

This past week has been difficult, as I watch people on Facebook and TV cry for their lost pets and homes.  Our downtown businesses are filled with displaced people trying to keep themselves busy, so as not to think about whether or not they will have a home to return to.  It’s a sad and scary time for our province.  My only hope is that we will catch a break with the weather and get some rain.  Unlikely, but I hope none-the-less.  Currently our weather has been extremely hot with high winds.  The wind is what brings the billows of smoke into the valley of our city.  Everywhere smells like a campfire even inside buildings and cars.  If I knew a dance for rain, I’d do it all day.

 

Loss

I saw you just yesterday; we laughed and joked.  You were nervous about the operation, but I assured you it would be ok.  I lied.

Words cannot describe what I felt when I heard the news.  Shock, denial, disbelief… pain.  I see your face when I close my eyes; how can you be gone?

I walked past your office several times today, but I couldn’t look inside.  The lights were off — I could feel the void.  Tears flowed the hallways today.  This may be just a job, but you were our family.

I cry for you, I cry for me, I cry for your family.  You were loved, and you will be missed.  I can’t say goodbye today; I’m not ready.

I’m so sorry for everything I never said. I hope you know I cared.

 

 

2 Nights

The agony of walking through these unfamiliar yet memorized halls is more than I can take.  There’s a void in my heart. 

I’ve taken refuge in these walls for ten years.  My anxiety hidden from the world.  Now the walls come down and I am forced to face what lies ahead — the unknown.  

The fear is painful. I want to hold onto what is mine for only a moment longer. Why must everything always leave?  Lovers, friends, family and homes.  There is only ever one that stays: me.  

Time to lay my head down and remember all that’s been. A prayer said to release the sadness of a passing life.  

Amen