Bye Felicia; I’ve Found Me A Rock Star

Why are some men such dicks?  Please note I said “some”, as I have heard rumour there are some decent ones out there.  I’ve recently had my heart completely played with, and yet, I still have a strong desire to find someone to spend my life with.  What the f*ck is wrong with me?

After my recent five week, action packed, exciting little fling, I spend two weeks dealing with the aftermath.  He didn’t know what he wanted; he blamed his ex; he blamed me; he apologized (twice); he ignored me after apologizing.   It was exhausting.  Physically and mentally.  For a person with severe anxiety, the uncertainty and back and forth was excrutiating.  I’ve basically been stuck in a constant rumination that damn near killed me.  Ok, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration.  At times, however, I became so obsessive in thought, I literally ran myself to almost death.  The miles put on my runners these past two weeks is damn impressive.  My body aches, I’m tired, but not gonna lie — I look pretty great.

Back to the topic of dick.  Funny, cause that is his name.  He doesn’t go by DICK, but he really should.  My heart was awakened after five dormant years, and now it aches of loneliness.  Even though it was bullshit, he made me feel special and wanted.  DICK.

STOP RIGHT HERE.  A miracle just happened….. haha ok, not a miracle, but let me take you back to a crush I had going last summer Read here Play Me A Song.  MR. Dave the rock star, just appeared on a very popular dating site.  Granted I now know he is only 33 years old, so like 9 years too young.  Still, he’s single — the crowed goes wild.

Fuck you DICK.  I’m off to stalk a rock star.

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Does the Tortoise Really Always Win?

 

Most people have heard the popular store of the Tortoise and the Hare.  The story is about a race between a slow and steady tortoise and a speedy careless hare.  The hare is so sure he will win the race because he is so fast.  In the end his cockiness loses him the race.  I have always admired this story, and I think it somehow influenced the way I live my life.

When I set my mind on something, I become totally obsessed with it.  I carefully plan out my every move so that I make the best decisions along the way.  I way out all my options, think about what the consequences of each choice may be, I talk it out with friends and family, I GOOGLE it, I sleep on it, I make lists, etc.  Basically, it takes me forever to make a decision because I’m afraid of making the wrong one.  This only goes for my personal life; my work personality is completely different.  At work, I can quickly do a risk assessment and make a decision as soon as it needs to be made.  I am more confident in my work decisions than I am in my personal ones.

This is probably because I make a lot less mistakes when it comes to work.  Business has rules, there are right and wrong ways of doing things.  My personal life, however, doesn’t seem to have a set of rules to follow, and this is what causes my apprehension when making decisions.  My current battle has been finding someone to love.

I know this sounds like it shouldn’t be a decision, but it is.  I have had two major failures in the world of love.  The first was my 10 year marraige, and the second was a five year toxic relationship with an emotionally abusive man.  I have had a few other somewhat long-term relationships, but they were not significant enough to influence my life.  My two failures effected me in different ways.

The end of my marraige left me with guilt and fear of myself.  I was young when I married, and I made a lot of mistakes.  I really didn’t know what I wanted back then.  My anxiety disorder had not been diagnosed, so I blamed my husband for my feelings of discontentment, anger, fear, and loneliness.  I wasn’t happy, and I blamed him for it.  I blamed him even though I knew he had done nothing wrong.  He was a good man, and I hurt him when I left.  The guilt was what ended up breaking me to the point of seeking professional help, and finally getting my diagnosis.  I can’t say if things would have ended differently if I knew then what I know now, but I know for sure I would have handled things a lot better.

The guilt and fear I was left with from my marraige carried forward into my next relationship.  I didn’t feel worthy of love, and I was terrified of hurting someone else.  When I met my last boyfriend, I was broken.  He treated me terribly, but I thought I deserved it. Every time he treated me badly, I thought to myself “You need someone who will put you in your place.”  I gave up everyone of my needs and wants to be with this person, and in the end I no longer knew what my needs and wants were.tutle

In the three years since the end of my last relationship, I have veto’d every man I have met.  I don’t know what the right guy even looks like, but I know I want to find him.  I found out about six months ago that my ex-boyfriend met someone new.  As soon as he found out I was dating, he immediately found a new girlfriend.  Eventhough he had been horrible to me, I remained friends with him because he would get so depressed every time I tried to detach.  This would make me feel guilty, and if I’m being perfectly honest, I think I became co-dependant on his abuse.  One evening, we had been having a few drinks together and I told him I had been going on dates.  He became angry at first and then he acted jealous and hurt.  Within a few days he put up a profile on a dating site and met someone new.  He claimed he still wanted to be friends, but this was what I needed to be able to finally cut him loose.

Eventhough I know I shouldn’t feel this way, I feel like he won.  I know that love is not a game, and that is why I am so careful this time.  But what if he won in a different way?  What if he took away the part of me that can trust and love another man?  I feel ashamed that it bothers me he met someone.  I imagine in my head that he treats her so much better than he treated me.  I imagine he is the man to her that he wasn’t to me — and maybe he is.  Regardless, I should feel glad that he is someone elses problem.  It should free me of his constant criticism, but it hasn’t.  He insulted my cooking, told me how to do my hair, told me to wear more make-up and shorter skirts… nothing I did was ever quite right. Now that he has someone new, I hear voices in my head telling me he found someone better.  I imagine the two of them making fun of me.  My rational and intelligant mind knows better, but I can’t seem to silence his voice from my mind.  With every passing day that I don’t meet someone, the voice gains strength.  IT tells me I’m not good enough, and I will be alone forever.

I can’t let that voice win.  I am a tortoise in a race to win love.  I am not in a rush, as I know I will get there by respecting myself.  My singleness is not a reflection of who I am, it is a choice I have made.  My quest is to meet a great man — not just any man.  I want someone who will love me and treat me with respect.  My failure to meet someone is not because I’m not good enough, it’s because I deserve the best.

The Complexity of Love

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Friends, family, lovers, strangers, acquaintances, co-worker etc… we all have a variety of human relationships that occupy our lives.  Recently, I have been overly observant of the connection between lovers.  Not my own connections, although I have definitely taken time to reflected on my own previous lost loves.  My observations are of the powerful affect that love has had on four people in my life.

 #1

My best friend of over 12 years is going through the break up of her marraige.  We run together every morning, so for the past 10 months, I have been her sounding board and support as she worked through her emotions.  Having experienced divorce myself ten years ago, I could relate to much of what she was going through.  At first, she was confused about her feelings.  Unsure if she was just going through a faze, or if she truely was unhappy in her marraige.  She felt unappreciated, and in her eyes nothing she did was good enough for her husband.  As time past, she became more and more sure she wanted to leave him.  When the time came for her to tell him she wanted a divorce, all hell broke loose.

From my viewpoint, he became very manipulative and emotionally abusive.  At first, I somewhat understood, as it makes sense that people act irrationally when they are hurting.  However, the abuse became more and more severe as he started to realize the “realness” of it all.  Currently, they are in the really messy part of the separation.  They are still in the same house, they own a business together, and they have three children still at home.  It’s only a matter of probably weeks before they can figure out a better living situation.  My friend has lost so much weight, she always anxious, and she feels helpless.

Because I am so close to this person, I can’t help but feel her pain.  I find myself more anxious lately, and I often have troubles sleeping due to my worry for her.  I’ve been where she is, and I know exactly what she is feeling.  Pain.

#2

In contrast, another of my friends has just begun a new relationship.  I have a somewhat close friendship with one of my younger male coworkers.  He is about eight years younger than I and extremely handsome.  He met someone right around Christmas time on Tinder.  In the first few dates, he couldn’t decide if she was the one for him.  These two people are complete opposites.  He is conservative and quiet, while she is eccentric, tattoo’d, pieced, and vibrant.  They both teetered back and forth, and about a month in decided they were too different, but they wanted to remain friends.  That is, until my coworker started to pay attention to another young lady.  Funny how people suddenly realize they want something just when it’s about to become unavailable to us.  Regardless, the two have now been seeing eachother daily/nightly, and they have become “a couple”.   They are currently learning eachothers motivations and needs, which brings with it compromise.  This is the bumpy beginning stage.  A flurry of emotional ups and downs — excitement, resentiment, thrill, anger, jeolousy, trust, doubt, optimism.

#3

My third story is that of a married woman.  A pregnant married coworker of mine, who I am not particularily close to, often shares the chaos of her life with me.   My coworker is around thirty years of age and is expecting her second child with her husband.  This is the second marraige for both herself and her husband, and her husband has three other children from his first marraige.  Daily, my coworker expresses her complete exhaustion with life, and she tells me she wishes her life were different.  Mix-families can have very stressful dynamics.  This is the unfortunately side-effect of bringing baggage to a relationship.  While she loves her husband and is excited to be having a family with him.  She doesn’t love dealing with his other children and the “ex”.  Honestly, I don’t blame her, which is why I don’t date men with children.  She seems miserable all the time, yet she has a great job, she’s smart, she’s in love — she appears to have it all.  With all the worries of life, one would hope that home would be the place to let them rest.

#4

The final relationship I have taken interest in belongs to another coworker.  This coworker and I are in a similar stage of live.  We are both career women, around the same age, and single.  Well she’s sort of single.  There is one main difference between her and I; she has a small child.  Like me, she has gone through lost love and is currently back in the dating world.   A few months back she met a man, well boy actually.  She made a connection with a 24 year old, and she has no idea how to handle it.  On one side, she really enjoys his company.  On the other, she can’t see a real future with him.  He is needy for attention and his world is that of a 20 something boy.  Personally this would not be a relationship I could entertain, as I would not be able to get past the part of “where can this go”.  She enjoys him, but she wants more.  She wants to meet someone to grow old with.  He tells her this is what he wants, but as an older woman, she understand how much personal growth happens between the ages of 20 to 40.

I understand why she is holding on to this relationship; it feels good.  This relationship in all probability has a shelf-life, but should that matter?  A lot of relationships end, so if this is making her happy for now, should she end it because she knows it will end eventually later down the road?  I cannot answer this question for her, as I haven’t been able to allow myself to be careless enough with my feelings.  I am unwilling to bring complications into my life.  Right or wrong that’s just where I’m at.

My Final Thoughts

I am witnessing the beginning, middle, and ending of  relationships between lovers.  Looking back over my lifetime of love, I realize just how complex my relationships were.  I can see where I could have done things differently, or where I wouldn’t have begun them at all.   I experienced joy, but I also experienced a lot of pain.  It occurs to me this is the reason I have been single for three years.  I have become the definition of “Picky”.  With every possibility I can’t help but ask myself, “would he be worth it?”  The answer so far has been “No.”  I spent the first part of my adult life tangled up in the emotions of love.  The highs and the lows — too many lows. It is no longer possible for me to ignore the potential dangers that love brings, but yet I still cling to hope that someday I will find it again. At times my loneliness brings feelings of yearning, but my memory brings feelings of fear.  Love is delicate, beautiful, ugly, and mean.   Love is complicated, and for me I’m not sure if it is worth it.