Bye Felicia; I’ve Found Me A Rock Star

Why are some men such dicks?  Please note I said “some”, as I have heard rumour there are some decent ones out there.  I’ve recently had my heart completely played with, and yet, I still have a strong desire to find someone to spend my life with.  What the f*ck is wrong with me?

After my recent five week, action packed, exciting little fling, I spend two weeks dealing with the aftermath.  He didn’t know what he wanted; he blamed his ex; he blamed me; he apologized (twice); he ignored me after apologizing.   It was exhausting.  Physically and mentally.  For a person with severe anxiety, the uncertainty and back and forth was excrutiating.  I’ve basically been stuck in a constant rumination that damn near killed me.  Ok, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration.  At times, however, I became so obsessive in thought, I literally ran myself to almost death.  The miles put on my runners these past two weeks is damn impressive.  My body aches, I’m tired, but not gonna lie — I look pretty great.

Back to the topic of dick.  Funny, cause that is his name.  He doesn’t go by DICK, but he really should.  My heart was awakened after five dormant years, and now it aches of loneliness.  Even though it was bullshit, he made me feel special and wanted.  DICK.

STOP RIGHT HERE.  A miracle just happened….. haha ok, not a miracle, but let me take you back to a crush I had going last summer Read here Play Me A Song.  MR. Dave the rock star, just appeared on a very popular dating site.  Granted I now know he is only 33 years old, so like 9 years too young.  Still, he’s single — the crowed goes wild.

Fuck you DICK.  I’m off to stalk a rock star.

Image result for bye felicia


Ain’t Nothing Gonna Break Me

A very wise man told me today that the most important thing we keep during heartbreak is a sense of self.  I couldn’t agree more.  With everything that has happened over the past four days, I can hold my head high and say I valued myself and my worth.

As mentioned in my last two posts, I’m currently dealing with a bit of a broken heart.  I met what I thought was the man of my dreams five weeks ago.  During those five weeks, this man convinced me he was falling for me and that he wasn’t going anywhere.  I believed him, but I was noticing how much he talked about his ex-girlfriend.  This past Friday, I asked him if he felt he was truly over her.  He looked me straight in the eyes and told me he was and that he was emotionally available for me.  Saturday he left town with a friend, and Sunday he sent me a text message that said he needed space.  Flip of a switch with no fucking warning.

Since then, he has messaged me twice by text.  Once to tell me the reason he needed space was to re-evaluate whether or not he was ready for a relationship.  He told me it was because of my question that he was now unsure.  The second message came this morning.  It basically said he didn’t know what to say to me.  He claims he might be confused, but he doesn’t want this to go any further until he is sure he won’t hurt me in the end.

My first reaction to everything was shock.  How does someone go from falling for you to not sure over night?  I don’t believe that is possible.  Once the shock wore off I felt very hurt.  Hurt that he just disappeared with only a text.  No phone call, no face to face.  A coward.  In between the hurt is anger.  Extreme anger.  I will not allow him to string me along.  If he doesn’t know what he wants then I’m not going to sit around and wait for him to figure it out.  I’ve sent him one text in return — I wrote:

“I don’t know how I feel now that this has happened.  If you want to talk to me about it then call me and we can try and sort it.  I won’t deal with this by text.”

I realize by sending this I’m giving him an ultimatum.  It was very hard for me to do this because deep down, I want this to work.  But the only way it will work is if he truly is over his ex, and he needs to be able to communicate with me — not by text.  I deserve better than a text message.  If it is over than so be it.  I will hurt, cry, and cry some more.  But one thing is for sure — I will get over it, and I will so by keeping my sense of self.  Thank you Mr. Devane for your kindness.  You are in my thoughts.

Soul Cry

For five years, I kept my heart under lock and key.  There was no way I was giving it up until I found what I was looking for.  I truly thought I had, but I was so very wrong.  My heart hurts so badly right now, I can barely breathe.  My red dry eyes burn from the river of tears that have flowed from them the last two days.  The beat of my heart is a thunderous boom in my head.  My muscles are wound so tight I’m afraid they are going to burst.  This is day two of my broken heart.

I feel foolish for feeling so hurt from a man I only dated for five weeks.  But I feel what I feel.  It has been so long since I’ve let my guard down, and I was happy.  He made me smile, and I enjoyed everything about him.  He told me he was falling hard for me, he made future plans with me, and I can still feel his touch when I close my eyes.  How could I have not seen this coming?  Yesterday out of the blue he told me he needed a moment to catch his breath.  I left him be, and this morning he sent another text (no phone call, just text).  He said I have made him question his readiness for a relationship.  He wonders if he isn’t fully over his last relationship, and that maybe he thinks about her too often.  My response: Nothing.

I’m not ready to respond.  I don’t know what to say to him.  One minute, I want to tell him it’s normal to question, the next I want to tell him to go fuck himself.  I want to yell at him for leading me on and allowing me to fall for him.  Thank him for being so careless with my heart.  But for now, I will say nothing.  He doesn’t deserve a response to a text message.  He didn’t respect me enough to call and talk to me about his feelings.

I’m so tired.  Exhaustion has taken over, but I know I will keep pushing myself.  I will push myself to the gym, and I will push myself to stay busy.  The pain will lessen, and I will survive.  Right now I hurt though.  Every single part of me is longing for him; my soul cries.   I miss him.

How To Spot a Liar

I’m a shitty liar.  I’ve ever been able to master the art of a good lie.  For one, I hate the way lying makes me feel, and secondly, I don’t understand the purpose of a lie.  Unless of course my best friend asks me if she looks fat.  She doesn’t, but if she ever did, I’m not sure I’d answer, “well, ya.” For this reason, I also struggle to tell when I’m being lied to.

My last relationship was filled with lies and manipulation.  So much so, I questions my every instinct.  I haven’t dated anyone serious since the end of that relationship 5 years ago.  Last week, I met a guy who I found somewhat interesting and it became intimate quickly.  That’s very unlike me, after a long stint of celibacy, I craved physical touch.  We had two dates before I invited (he invited himself) over to watch a movie.  We had some drinks that evening and it did result in a sleep over.  The next night he came over because it was his birthday, and even though I was dead tired, I stayed up and watched a movie with him (no sex).  The final date was on Friday.  We had drinks, played guitar, and finished the date in bed.  That makes up a total of one week.

Over this short period of time, I had some red flags.   I noticed he talked a lot about his ex, and he also spent a lot of time talking about himself.  I mentioned my observation on our fourth date.  He said he was over his ex, as it was a mutual break up, but they were still friends.  He said the reason he hadn’t asked much about me was because he wanted to learn about me slowly.  He also threw in a comment about not buying me anything for Valentine’s day, as he wanted just one Valentine’s day that he didn’t have to get someone something.  HMMMM ok.

The Saturday after he left my place, he messaged me later in the day to tell me about his great 2 hour nap.  He then tells me what he planned on making himself for dinner. Hint — he doesn’t want to hang out.  Disappointing because it’s a long weekend, and it would have been nice to have the company.  BUT I didn’t mention it. He then tells me that he is super tired and it’s going to be an early night for him (didn’t he just sleep for 2 hours?)  He added that he would invite me over, but he was just so fucking tired.  Something felt off, but I didn’t want to be “THAT” Girl.  I heard nothing from him after 6:30pm.  The next texts me to tell me he just had the best 11 hour sleep.  Maybe he’s depressed??? That’s a lot of sleep in one day.

He had to work yesterday morning, so I didn’t expect to hear much from him.   Later in the day, I send him a message to let him know I was heading out to see my parents, but to text me later if he was free.  He sent a message at 3:30pm to tell me he was just getting off work.  I asked him what he was getting up to for the night?  NO response.  I noticed I had a message sitting in my plent of fish mail box (online dating site), so I went on to check it.  You can see when other people are on the site, because a little “online now” phrase show on the profile. And there he was online now.  I wouldn’t care, but it was obvious he was on his phone, so he did in fact see my message.

Let me shorten this up.  I sent him a message that I was getting the “peace out vibe” from him.  After a few hours he called and said, sorry I was having a nap, but wanted to know why I felt that way.  FOR one, why the fuck are you always sleeping?  I call bullshit.  He said he was totally tired again, and he was going to stay in.  I later received a text saying that because I was accusing him of lying about not being over his ex and lying about all the sleeping (which by the way, I never accused him of shit — I simply asked), that he could no longer see me.  It was a nice long text message telling me this.  My reply “OK”.

I think I was picking up the bullshiter vibe right from the start. He bragged a lot about his YouTube channel, and he made sure I knew how many other women found him HOT.  Now, maybe it’s me and my anxiety.  Maybe I was a little neurotic calling him out last night after only a week of dating.  BUT I don’t think so.  Even if it was all in my head, a decent guy would want to make me feel secure, not get defensive and write me off.  I’m going to stick with my gut in thinking he was a lying piece of…. I am feeling rejected, and my heart hurts , but I will get over it.  I hope my lie detector is not broken.  I hope I am not just a crazy bitch.  If I am, I have no hope in hell of ever finding love again.