My Life Transformed

Sadly, I have neglected my blog over the past couple of months with only random posts from time to time.  I started this blog over a year ago, and since that time, I’ve created some positive change in my life.  Slowly, I’ve crawled my way out of a very stagnant time in my life, and the rewards are starting to come to fruition.  My journey has been filled with anxiety, fear, heartache, and a lot of confusion, but I’m thankful I pushed myself on.  As my life is transforming, so will this blog.  In three days, I start a week long staycation.  During my time of work reprieve, I will be dedicating myself to reconnecting with the blogsphere and reshaping my blog.

Before I do, I want to share where I was and where I am now going.  Just over a year ago, I was living a life that seemed void of meaning.  I was a few years out of an abusive relationship, living in a home I had grown out of, and basically drinking myself out of boredom.  No, I was not an alcoholic, but my only source of pleasure was my end of the day couple of glasses of wine.  This was the beginning of my life change.  There was no lightbulb moment or epiphany, just a desire for more.  The problem was, I didn’t know what I needed or wanted — I just knew I wasn’t happy.  With that in mind, I came off my anxiety medication, sold my trailer, bought a condo, enrolled in online university courses, and started dating again.  Not all at once — it all happened over the course of about six months.

After moving into my condo, I had a melt down.  I wasn’t coping, and I wasn’t really any happier.  Feeling defeated, I went back on anxiety medication.  Shortly after, I met a man who seemed to be everything I had been waiting for.  I rushed in blindly because it felt good.  I was too blind to see the red flags that were waved right in front of my face, and it ended with confusion and heart ache.  At the same time, work pressured mounted, and I fell into a depression.  That was about the time my blog posts became less and less frequent.  Two months later, I end up where I am today.  This post, however, is not about what has changed — that is a TBC…..

I’ve hit a major turning point in my life, and this post is a good-bye to the past.  I’m now able to look back and see that everything that happen was necassary.  I would not have come to this point without experiencing pain.  PAIN = Growth.  There is a fire in my heart now, and I’m filled with a new sense of passion.  I’m excited to share my new self with all of my friends here, so stay tuned for a new story.

I’m A Pusher Baby!

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I’m heading in to a three day long weekend — hallelujah.  THREE WHOLE DAYS OFF, and for the first time in months, I have nothing pressing to do.  No house hunting, no mortgage appointments, no packing, no moving, no unpacking, no Tinder dates, no tests to write… nothing.

Not to say I will do nothing.  I don’t have the type of personality to sit around and do sweet fuck all.  I live for productivity, and I plan to get a lot done over the next three days.  But there is something freeing about having no specific obligations.  I can paint my house, work out, study, shop, have sex, drink, nap… I can do whatever my little heart desires, and I don’t have to work around a pre-set schedule.  This is what weekends are meant to be; I, unfortunately, do not have enough of them.

There once was a time in my life when things were different.  Way back when I was in my 20s, married, and unfit.  Back in the old days, weekends were for camping, beer drinking and smoking cigarettes.  I didn’t get up early on weekends because I wanted to get a run in.  RUNNING was not even in my vocabulary.  I didn’t spend my Sunday mornings at the coffee shop reading text books.  Why study?  I had already finished my accounting program; there was no need to further my education.  Life was different back then.  My expectations of myself were different.

I was a run-away, high school drop out at the age of 16 years old.  When I straightened my shit out and returned to school, got married, and bought a house, I was satisfied with my accomplishments.  Damn satisfied.  But with each goal I set and achieved, my self-standards grew bigger.  I climbed the career ladder, left an unsatisfying marriage, quit smoking, ran several marathons, became a personal trainer, returned to university, and moved up in real estate.  I’m a pusher.  A pusher of self.  Sometimes, I think I push a little to hard, but I’d rather push too hard than not at all.

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I’ve turned my life completely around, but I struggle now to find balance.  I know how to work, but relaxing eludes me.  I don’t know how to just be.  I don’t know contentment.  Maybe that’s the reason I’m attracted to a pot smoking YouTuber.  Maybe I’m yearning for a little carefree immaturity.  Then again, maybe I’m just horny.

I push and I push and I push some more.  Cause I’m a pusher baby, so why don’t ya kill me.