On a Love Train – Destination Unknown

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Tomorrow marks the one month meeting of the new man in my life.  I’ve yet to talk about him; mainly because I’m not sure where I’m at or how I feel about him.   This has been an unusual year for me love wise.  Not that I’ve found love, but I was getting pretty close a few months ago, or so I thought.  For the first time in five years, I had met someone I really like, and I was sure it was going to go somewhere.  I dove in head first — big mistake.  This time is different.

In respect to his privacy, I will call him JOE.  Joe and I have friends in common, and they apparently tried to set us up last year.  I don’t think they tried that hard, but I do remember them mentioning his name.  At around the same time, I was talking with a man on POF… it turns out it was Joe.  Nothing came of our chats back then.  More recently, he popped up again on POF, and we made plans to meet.  Which again did not happen.  This is a common occurance on dating sites.  You chat for a bit and then it fades unless a definite date plan is made.  A month ago, Joe reappeared.  He was at our mutual friends house, and somehow they pieced together that we were the ones they were trying to set up.

He messaged me, and we made plans to meet.  The first couple of meetings were quick mid-day drinks.  He was nice, but I wasn’t sure what I thought of him.  However, we continued to make plans to meet up, and it eventually led to an intimate relationship.  Physically we connect very well.  We get along, and I do enjoy his company.  BUT…. there is a “But”.  I’m having trouble connecting to him mentally.  He is very introverted, and he doesn’t show his interest in a way I can feel.  Does that make any sense?  He has told me he likes me, but I don’t feel it.  I believe him; I just don’t feel him.  He has to be told to text or phone me, and I have to pry his thoughts from him.

As much as I understand our differences, I still have this unnerving feeling he isn’t interested.  I know he is, but I don’t feel he is.  My brain and my heart are not inline with this one.  I really do like him, and I want to give it a go.  My concern is my needs will not be met in the end.  I am an extrovert.  I have introverted tendencies, but I’m still an extrovert.  I get energy from talking and being around others.  I wish I were more introverted, but I can’t change who I am.  My feelings for him are growing stronger daily, and it scares me.  One month is not a long time, so now is the time to make the decision about moving forward.  However, I don’t know the answer.  More time is needed, and all I can hope is my heart doesn’t have to take another hit.

There it is folks.  When I wrote about my previous “almost love” there was nothing but thrills and excitement.  This one couldn’t be more different.  This time I’m on a slow moving love train – destination unknown.

What a World We Live In — Junkified

There is nothing better than receiving an unasked for Dick PIC on a beautiful Friday morning.  Seriously, what has this world come to.  You can’t even have a drink with a man without him assuming that’s code for “please send me a picture of your flaccid penis.”

Maybe I’m getting old, but is this really what dating has become?  What happened to the old fashion style of getting to know someone before showing them your genitals? This type of courtship, believe it or not, does not work for me.  I’m sorry to break it to you men, but a nake pic of your weiner will not get you a second date with me.  Let me tell you what kind of reaction you will get from me….

First, I will tell you to stop messaging me, and I will likely throw a few not so choice words in the mix.  Second, I am going to show everyone I know your ity bity dinky, and we will all laugh at it.  Is that what you were hoping for?  If so, you succeeded.  Every girl in my office has had a good ol’ laugh at your bits today.  I would think most men are not looking for laughter when it comes to their penis.  But, hey, what do I know — I have an innie.

I will never understand the thought process behind sending dick pics.  Maybe that’s it — there is no thought.  Just a primal instinct to get the dick out there and see who bites.  In this post, I’d like to get the message out to all them dick pic sending men in the world.  PLEASE STOP!  You will have much better luck by being a gentleman.  Even if you have an amazing looking Tool, we still don’t want to get a picture of it.  There may be a select few out there that this will work on, but is that really the type of woman you are looking for?  I sure hope not.

I don’t know if it’s a thing for men to receive unwanted female junk pics, but if it is, well shame on the women sending them.  Have some respect for yourselves.  On that note — I’m off for an afterwork Friday beverage.  I need something to erase the floppy noodle picture stuck in my brain.

Happy Friday Bloggers and may you all have a junk pic free weekend.

Dicks and Guns

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When someone pisses you off, drink a beer and go shoot something.  Sound advice my friends — sound advice.  This is what I will be doing tonight to let off some much needed steam.  After four long weeks of emotional fuck me over, I still have not completely rid myself of a dick of a man.  My lesson is to never, under any circumstances, lend out property to a man.  Specifically one who has been messing with my mind.  At any rate, I lent out a guitar, of which, I now must wait another week to try and retrieve.  So load me up, and let’s get skeet shooting.

This would all make more sense to you all if I had kept up writing through it all, but I didn’t.   Mainly because I was too embarrassed to admit I kept letting a certain man back into my life.  I was hoping he would pull his shit together, so I could write about the happy ever after ending.  Sadly, and not unexpectedly, the ending was not a happy one.   No, no, no — not happy at all.  It was a long, painfully irritating, frustratingly, annoying FUCKED up ending.  One I would like to be done and fogotten with.  However, Mr. Dick has prolonged the ending by one last week.  DICK.

In other news, I purchased myself a tennis racket last night.  I’ve decided to take up tennis, so I signed up for a lesson which takes place next Wednesday night.  I’m not sure why I’m doing this.  I have no one to play with once I learn how, but who knows.  Maybe the universe will get it right next time, and it will send me a great man who enjoys playing tennis.  As mentioned earlier, I’m off to do some skeet shooting tonight.  It’s a work thing.  We are part of a local construction association, and they put this event on every year.  I TOTALLY suck at it, but there is free food and beer — need I say more.

I’ve made a little promise to myself to get myself back on track.  That includes posting regularily.  I’m not normally one to let a man twist my life around so dramatically, but it happened and I need to get on with it.  I’m still reeling from the experience, and if honest, still a little sad at the outcome.  My hopes were high; I had liked him at first.  He was good at hiding his true self, and I was naive to believe his bullshit.  Lesson learned.  On that note, I’m off to change into something more shooting appropriate.  “PULL”


F Bomb Tuesday

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If I had a nickel for every minute of the day I feel anxious, I’d have a lot of fucking nickels.  It would be a pain in the ass to have that many nickels to roll.  I would roll them though.  I’d roll them and take them straight to the bank — and then I would quit my job.

I’m pretty sure if it weren’t for men and money, I wouldn’t even have an anxiety disorder.  Money itself doesn’t cause me anxiety, but the lack of it sure does.  Where as DICKs themselves don’t cause me anxiety, but having dick causes me nothing but stress.  I really don’t know why or how men do it, but they sure know how to fuck with my head.

All I need to do is win the lottery, and stop dating men…. problem solved.  Easy peasy lemon squeezy.  If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m in a bit of a mood.  Work and a certain man have been the shits this week, and it’s only Tuesday.  I am to blame for the man issue.  I am a sucker for punishment, and I keep taking him back.  Work, on the other hand, is not something I can control.  At least not the issue I’m dealing with currently.  The best I can do is take a deep breath and power through.

On that note, I’m going to tidy up my desk, go for a run, and then go for a beer with my bud.  I’m not sure how I’d manage if it weren’t for exercise and alcohol.  Here’s hoping for a better hump day.


Ain’t Nothing Gonna Break My Stride

TGIF………..Tomorrow.  It’s been one hell of a week, and I’m ready to find myself some good old distractions.  Like my aunt always said, “The best way to get over a guy is to get under another.”  I’ve personally never rolled that way, but there’s always a first time.  I could be all talk.  OK, I’m all talk, but I do have a date lined up.

The past six weeks of my life hit me like a tornado.  I met a guy, really liked a guy, started to fall for a guy, then had the wind knocked right out of me.  I didn’t even see it coming.  It’s been five days of little to no contact from said guy, and I’m just starting to gain some perspective on the situation.  First of all, it’s true I was starting to fall for the guy.  But in reality, I didn’t know him that well.  Obviously.  That means, I was falling for something I thought he was, not who he really was.  Secondly, I’m ready for love, and I’m not going to let this set me back.  I’m moving forward regardless of my disappointment and sadness.

I have no false illusions that my date is going to turn out to be mr. right.  I don’t really care at this point.  I just want to be reminded that there are other men out there, and I am going to be ok.  AND who knows; maybe he will be great… or maybe… he will be GREAT, if you catch my drift. (insert wink)


Life’s Highway

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With the smell of love in the air, my world has shifted once again, and I’m struggling to keep myself on stable ground.

First of all “love” is an over-statement.  I’ve spent two weekends with a man who, so far, seems decent.  He drives truck Mon – Fri, so we hang out on weekends only.  Since my anxiety keeps me on a pretty tight schedule, this works well for me.  Although I still have to try and rearrange my weekends to make this happen.  Last weekend, I barely worked on my studies, and now I’m stressed about being behind.  I received an email last night from the gym I will be teaching at, and they want to have a two hour staff meeting this Sunday.  Not a big deal normally, but now I need to fit in house work, grocery shop, study, hang out with the man, go to the staff meeting, get to the gym, walk the dog, and get to my moms for dinner — all on Sunday before I start another crazy busy week at work.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about meeting someone.  It’s too early to say if it will get serious, but compared to the many dates I’ve had over the past five years — it’s looking good.  Five years.  I can’t believe I’ve been single for that long.  That’s a long time to get stuck in my ways.  It is going to take some serious work on my part to include another person in my life.  My life revolves around managing my anxiety disorder.  I rely heavily on routine.  Without it, I get overwhelmed.  Everything in my life is scheduled and organized — including my downtime.  I don’t relax until the work is done.  Routine and dating do not go hand-in-hand, unfortunately.

Romance requires a certain level of spontaneity.  Last minute weekend get-a-ways, unexpected sleep overs, breakfast in bed, surprise date nights…. you get the picture.  Love is hard for someone like me.  My reaction to a break in routine is severe anxiety — sometimes panic.  My mind won’t let go of what I “should be” doing; therefore, I spend the whole time feeling stressed out and unhappy.  I wish I were different, but I’m not.  Loving me takes a special kind of man.  Not that I’m unlovable — I’m actually a really nice and caring person.  But I need someone who can understand that life it difficult for me.  My mind works on overdrive daily, and it’s exhausting at time.  I call it the battle of the brain.  Constant check ins to ensure my thoughts are rational.  Ongoing internal reassurance that everything is ok — that it’s just my anxiety playing games with me.

My anxiety has played an unhelpful role in most of my past relationship.  I have a track record of picking the assholes.  The ones who see my anxiety as a means to manipulation.  I’ve picked these types in the past because I think it’s all I deserve.  I’m afraid the good ones won’t understand me, and I don’t want to be judged by a man I respect.  I’m working on changing these beliefs, however.  This guy is nice and decent, and I’ve already told him about my anxiety — he hasn’t run away yet.  There is no denying that I’m terrified of this going anywhere, but I’m also excited and hopeful that it does.  Life is a journey with no destination, and I need to learn how to sit back and enjoy the ride.

“Life is a highway, and I want to ride it all night long” — Tom Cochrane



A Teenage Crush

You know it’s time to find love when you find yourself crushing on a Netflix TV Series star.  Really finding yourself crushing over anyone at the age of 42 is a sign something needs changing.

I’m new to Netflix.  When I purchased my condo, I decided to nix cable to save some money.  Netflix seemed like a good idea at only $7.99 per month, and so far I’m pretty happy with it.  A couple weeks ago, I stumbled on the series “The Killing.”  Seen it?  If not, I highly recommend it.  I fell in mad love with the two main characters, and I am embarrassed to admit, I had a dream about the male lead — Stephen Holder.

I may be embarrassed to admit this little crush, but I’m not upset that I have it.  I haven’t had a “crush” on someone since I was a teenager.  Not this type of crush anyway.  The kind that makes you feel giddy and gives you little butterflies.  Ok, so he’s not real — slightly inconvenient.  Never-the-less I’m feeling giddy this morning, and I’m excited for this emotion.  I finished the series last night, and then….. I started it over.  What can I say — I’m in love.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been in love, and I hope I find it soon.  I’m a bit of a romantic, so this draught (4.5 years) has taken it’s toll on me.  My anxiety hasn’t helped me in the love area.  On medication I have no sex drive; off medication I’m extremely anxious.  I need to find a guy who digs anxious chicks.  I should put that on my POF profile.

I do have a potential date this weekend.  I met a guy at the end of January when he had come to town looking for a place to rent.  He accepted a job in my town, but wasn’t moving here until March.  Honestly, I didn’t really think I’d hear from him again since it was over a month ago we met, but I was mistaken.  He moved to town last week, and he sent me a text asking to hang out this weekend.   I’m not holding my breath on this one, but ya never know.

I’ve been out of the blog loop for a bit here.  My injured leg has brought on a bit of depression, and I’ve had a hard time focusing.  It’s not the pain of the injury that’s got me down, it’s the inability to exercise.  Tomorrow I have physio, so I’m hopeful for some healing.  With any luck I will be running and in love before I know it.

I hope you are all doing well — I will be catching up on my reading soon.