Dicks and Guns

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When someone pisses you off, drink a beer and go shoot something.  Sound advice my friends — sound advice.  This is what I will be doing tonight to let off some much needed steam.  After four long weeks of emotional fuck me over, I still have not completely rid myself of a dick of a man.  My lesson is to never, under any circumstances, lend out property to a man.  Specifically one who has been messing with my mind.  At any rate, I lent out a guitar, of which, I now must wait another week to try and retrieve.  So load me up, and let’s get skeet shooting.

This would all make more sense to you all if I had kept up writing through it all, but I didn’t.   Mainly because I was too embarrassed to admit I kept letting a certain man back into my life.  I was hoping he would pull his shit together, so I could write about the happy ever after ending.  Sadly, and not unexpectedly, the ending was not a happy one.   No, no, no — not happy at all.  It was a long, painfully irritating, frustratingly, annoying FUCKED up ending.  One I would like to be done and fogotten with.  However, Mr. Dick has prolonged the ending by one last week.  DICK.

In other news, I purchased myself a tennis racket last night.  I’ve decided to take up tennis, so I signed up for a lesson which takes place next Wednesday night.  I’m not sure why I’m doing this.  I have no one to play with once I learn how, but who knows.  Maybe the universe will get it right next time, and it will send me a great man who enjoys playing tennis.  As mentioned earlier, I’m off to do some skeet shooting tonight.  It’s a work thing.  We are part of a local construction association, and they put this event on every year.  I TOTALLY suck at it, but there is free food and beer — need I say more.

I’ve made a little promise to myself to get myself back on track.  That includes posting regularily.  I’m not normally one to let a man twist my life around so dramatically, but it happened and I need to get on with it.  I’m still reeling from the experience, and if honest, still a little sad at the outcome.  My hopes were high; I had liked him at first.  He was good at hiding his true self, and I was naive to believe his bullshit.  Lesson learned.  On that note, I’m off to change into something more shooting appropriate.  “PULL”

 

F Bomb Tuesday

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If I had a nickel for every minute of the day I feel anxious, I’d have a lot of fucking nickels.  It would be a pain in the ass to have that many nickels to roll.  I would roll them though.  I’d roll them and take them straight to the bank — and then I would quit my job.

I’m pretty sure if it weren’t for men and money, I wouldn’t even have an anxiety disorder.  Money itself doesn’t cause me anxiety, but the lack of it sure does.  Where as DICKs themselves don’t cause me anxiety, but having dick causes me nothing but stress.  I really don’t know why or how men do it, but they sure know how to fuck with my head.

All I need to do is win the lottery, and stop dating men…. problem solved.  Easy peasy lemon squeezy.  If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m in a bit of a mood.  Work and a certain man have been the shits this week, and it’s only Tuesday.  I am to blame for the man issue.  I am a sucker for punishment, and I keep taking him back.  Work, on the other hand, is not something I can control.  At least not the issue I’m dealing with currently.  The best I can do is take a deep breath and power through.

On that note, I’m going to tidy up my desk, go for a run, and then go for a beer with my bud.  I’m not sure how I’d manage if it weren’t for exercise and alcohol.  Here’s hoping for a better hump day.

 

Ain’t Nothing Gonna Break My Stride

TGIF………..Tomorrow.  It’s been one hell of a week, and I’m ready to find myself some good old distractions.  Like my aunt always said, “The best way to get over a guy is to get under another.”  I’ve personally never rolled that way, but there’s always a first time.  I could be all talk.  OK, I’m all talk, but I do have a date lined up.

The past six weeks of my life hit me like a tornado.  I met a guy, really liked a guy, started to fall for a guy, then had the wind knocked right out of me.  I didn’t even see it coming.  It’s been five days of little to no contact from said guy, and I’m just starting to gain some perspective on the situation.  First of all, it’s true I was starting to fall for the guy.  But in reality, I didn’t know him that well.  Obviously.  That means, I was falling for something I thought he was, not who he really was.  Secondly, I’m ready for love, and I’m not going to let this set me back.  I’m moving forward regardless of my disappointment and sadness.

I have no false illusions that my date is going to turn out to be mr. right.  I don’t really care at this point.  I just want to be reminded that there are other men out there, and I am going to be ok.  AND who knows; maybe he will be great… or maybe… he will be GREAT, if you catch my drift. (insert wink)

 

Life’s Highway

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With the smell of love in the air, my world has shifted once again, and I’m struggling to keep myself on stable ground.

First of all “love” is an over-statement.  I’ve spent two weekends with a man who, so far, seems decent.  He drives truck Mon – Fri, so we hang out on weekends only.  Since my anxiety keeps me on a pretty tight schedule, this works well for me.  Although I still have to try and rearrange my weekends to make this happen.  Last weekend, I barely worked on my studies, and now I’m stressed about being behind.  I received an email last night from the gym I will be teaching at, and they want to have a two hour staff meeting this Sunday.  Not a big deal normally, but now I need to fit in house work, grocery shop, study, hang out with the man, go to the staff meeting, get to the gym, walk the dog, and get to my moms for dinner — all on Sunday before I start another crazy busy week at work.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about meeting someone.  It’s too early to say if it will get serious, but compared to the many dates I’ve had over the past five years — it’s looking good.  Five years.  I can’t believe I’ve been single for that long.  That’s a long time to get stuck in my ways.  It is going to take some serious work on my part to include another person in my life.  My life revolves around managing my anxiety disorder.  I rely heavily on routine.  Without it, I get overwhelmed.  Everything in my life is scheduled and organized — including my downtime.  I don’t relax until the work is done.  Routine and dating do not go hand-in-hand, unfortunately.

Romance requires a certain level of spontaneity.  Last minute weekend get-a-ways, unexpected sleep overs, breakfast in bed, surprise date nights…. you get the picture.  Love is hard for someone like me.  My reaction to a break in routine is severe anxiety — sometimes panic.  My mind won’t let go of what I “should be” doing; therefore, I spend the whole time feeling stressed out and unhappy.  I wish I were different, but I’m not.  Loving me takes a special kind of man.  Not that I’m unlovable — I’m actually a really nice and caring person.  But I need someone who can understand that life it difficult for me.  My mind works on overdrive daily, and it’s exhausting at time.  I call it the battle of the brain.  Constant check ins to ensure my thoughts are rational.  Ongoing internal reassurance that everything is ok — that it’s just my anxiety playing games with me.

My anxiety has played an unhelpful role in most of my past relationship.  I have a track record of picking the assholes.  The ones who see my anxiety as a means to manipulation.  I’ve picked these types in the past because I think it’s all I deserve.  I’m afraid the good ones won’t understand me, and I don’t want to be judged by a man I respect.  I’m working on changing these beliefs, however.  This guy is nice and decent, and I’ve already told him about my anxiety — he hasn’t run away yet.  There is no denying that I’m terrified of this going anywhere, but I’m also excited and hopeful that it does.  Life is a journey with no destination, and I need to learn how to sit back and enjoy the ride.

“Life is a highway, and I want to ride it all night long” — Tom Cochrane

 

 

A Teenage Crush

You know it’s time to find love when you find yourself crushing on a Netflix TV Series star.  Really finding yourself crushing over anyone at the age of 42 is a sign something needs changing.

I’m new to Netflix.  When I purchased my condo, I decided to nix cable to save some money.  Netflix seemed like a good idea at only $7.99 per month, and so far I’m pretty happy with it.  A couple weeks ago, I stumbled on the series “The Killing.”  Seen it?  If not, I highly recommend it.  I fell in mad love with the two main characters, and I am embarrassed to admit, I had a dream about the male lead — Stephen Holder.

I may be embarrassed to admit this little crush, but I’m not upset that I have it.  I haven’t had a “crush” on someone since I was a teenager.  Not this type of crush anyway.  The kind that makes you feel giddy and gives you little butterflies.  Ok, so he’s not real — slightly inconvenient.  Never-the-less I’m feeling giddy this morning, and I’m excited for this emotion.  I finished the series last night, and then….. I started it over.  What can I say — I’m in love.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been in love, and I hope I find it soon.  I’m a bit of a romantic, so this draught (4.5 years) has taken it’s toll on me.  My anxiety hasn’t helped me in the love area.  On medication I have no sex drive; off medication I’m extremely anxious.  I need to find a guy who digs anxious chicks.  I should put that on my POF profile.

I do have a potential date this weekend.  I met a guy at the end of January when he had come to town looking for a place to rent.  He accepted a job in my town, but wasn’t moving here until March.  Honestly, I didn’t really think I’d hear from him again since it was over a month ago we met, but I was mistaken.  He moved to town last week, and he sent me a text asking to hang out this weekend.   I’m not holding my breath on this one, but ya never know.

I’ve been out of the blog loop for a bit here.  My injured leg has brought on a bit of depression, and I’ve had a hard time focusing.  It’s not the pain of the injury that’s got me down, it’s the inability to exercise.  Tomorrow I have physio, so I’m hopeful for some healing.  With any luck I will be running and in love before I know it.

I hope you are all doing well — I will be catching up on my reading soon.

 

Take Me Home Tonight — I’m Fucking Tired

An all night date night is cause for celebration by some.  For me, it’s an anxiety trigger that has me regretting every minute of it.   I had an unexpected date number three with Mr. YouTube last night which resulted in me getting less than five hours of sleep.  I should be glowing with excitment, but I’m not.  I fucking tired.  Tired, anxious, and I feel sick to my stomach.  WTF is wrong with me.

I wasn’t supposed to have date number three until tonight, but Mr. YT couldn’t wait that long.  We have been texting back and forth a lot since our weekend dates, and we planned to meet tonight for his birthday.  Last night, I was wondering around the grocery store after my work out, and he send me a “what are you up to tonight” text.  CRAP.  I get instant anxiety when someone asks me to hang out on a work night.  WHY do people insist on doing things on work nights?  I had agreed to the birthday date, but even that was causing me some anxiety.  Anyway, back to the grocery store.  I stared at my phone for a few minutes and then texted him back “buying groceries, making and eating dinner, and then some Netflix before bed.  You?”

NO GOING BACK NOW.  I set him up perfectly for an invite — what I was thinking.  He sends back a cute little message saying that he wouldn’t be upset if I wanted to watch some Netflix with him.  If I wasn’t interested in him, I would have blown him off.  I do like him, however, so before I could change my mind, I invited him over with the expectation that he would need to leave by 10pm.

Admittedly, my dating experiences have been sparce over the last four years.  I had forgotten what it is like to hang out with a guy and actually enjoy myself.  AND I did enjoy myself.  We drank wine, played guitar, YouTubed Music Videos, and talked.  There is an X-rated ending to our night, but I’m not a kiss and tell kinda girl.  However, I woke up at 5:30am with a man in my bed.  ENOUGH SAID.  Over the past four years, I have had three sexual encounters, this will be number four.  I WANT TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT, but my anxiety won’t allow it.  Instead, I’m anxious about how tired I am, and how irresponsible it was to stay up so late on a work night.  FOR FUCK SAKE.

To make matters worse, I will be seeing him again tonight.  It’s not a bad thing that I will be seeing him, but I’d rather have the option of going straight home to bed after work. Unfortunately, I couldn’t cancel on his birthday.  He did give me an out, but I didn’t take it.  Luckily he didn’t hold me to our original dinner out plans.  I suggested ordering takeout and watching a moving in — he was game.   Date number four will include PJ’s, takeout, and a solid nap.  When did I get so OLD.

 

Woman in White Shirt Sleeping on Gray Fabric Sofa

 

Cutting Glass

We are in the middle of another cold snap with tempatures averaging -15 c.  Not the coldest we’ve seen this winter, but still fucking cold.  When I arrived at work today and walked up to my office, I was greeted with COLD.  Hell ya, two of the four furnaces are not running due to some kind of blockage on the roof.  I’ve had my big winter parka on for 3 hours with a personal heater blasting directly on me, and I’m still freezing my ass off. I normally don’t mind winter, but then again, I can normally find refuge INSIDE.  Ah well, such is life.  Image result for Freezing in the office

Forgive me bloggers for I have sinned, it’s been almost a week since I’ve posted anything, and I’m still catching up on all your blogs.  I’d like to say it’s been a lack of time that has kept me from writing, but that would be a lie.  In truth, It’s pure laziness. I haven’t been inspired to write, and I haven’t forced myself to write regardless of my lack of inspiration.  Now that I have that confession off my chest, let me catch you up on my deliriously entertaining life.  (Them there words have been heavily laced with sarcasm)

Since my last post, I have been out on 3 dates.  The first one was with a soccer coach wImage result for A douche of a manho is moving to town at the end of the month.  I met him last Thursday after my fitness class at a local brew pub.  Here’s my review on the Soccer Coach:

  • Pro’s  — not bad looking, doesn’t smoke, has a job, likes dogs, no kids
  • Con’s — arrogant, committment issues, didn’t pick up
    the tab, 5’9, bad eating habits

Mr. Soccer coach seemed to think pretty highly of himself.  I guess in junior soccer, coaches are somewhat of a rockstar to the single mothers.  He basically told me this in so many words.  My response — then date a single soccer mom.

 

Moving on…

On Saturday evening, I met up with a pretty cool guy.  He has a fairly non-traditional job: he makes his living producing videos on YouTube.  I’m not going to mention what the videos are about for the sake of his privacy, but   I found him to be honest, attractive, and a gentleman (he paid).  I liked him enough to have a second date the following day.  However, he has some qualities that might make things difficult if this ends up going anywhere.  First — he smokes.  Both cigarettes and pot.  Honestly, I don’t really care that he smokes pot, but cigarettes not so much.  As a non-smoker of 12 years, I don’t like being around people who smoke.  I can’t stand the smell, and if I’m drinking it adds temptation.

Secondly, he isn’t active and his eating habits are the shits.  Again, I work very hard to try and eat healthy.  I personally don’t care what he eats, but I know that it will be harder for me to stick to my healthy habits if I’m constantly subjected to his unhealthy ones.  I keep unhealthy foods out of my house for a reason.  If they were there, I’d eat them.

Still, I do like him, and I plan to hang out with him again.  There may not be a future for us, but I see no harm in having some fun.  I might even make a new friend.

Besides all my whoring around (the most physical contact I had on my dates was a hug), I’ve started my next course, and I’m still dealing with renovations.  Life is moving along which is definitely better than the alternative.  Time to move around a bit before my fingers freeze completely off.