My Life Transformed

Sadly, I have neglected my blog over the past couple of months with only random posts from time to time.  I started this blog over a year ago, and since that time, I’ve created some positive change in my life.  Slowly, I’ve crawled my way out of a very stagnant time in my life, and the rewards are starting to come to fruition.  My journey has been filled with anxiety, fear, heartache, and a lot of confusion, but I’m thankful I pushed myself on.  As my life is transforming, so will this blog.  In three days, I start a week long staycation.  During my time of work reprieve, I will be dedicating myself to reconnecting with the blogsphere and reshaping my blog.

Before I do, I want to share where I was and where I am now going.  Just over a year ago, I was living a life that seemed void of meaning.  I was a few years out of an abusive relationship, living in a home I had grown out of, and basically drinking myself out of boredom.  No, I was not an alcoholic, but my only source of pleasure was my end of the day couple of glasses of wine.  This was the beginning of my life change.  There was no lightbulb moment or epiphany, just a desire for more.  The problem was, I didn’t know what I needed or wanted — I just knew I wasn’t happy.  With that in mind, I came off my anxiety medication, sold my trailer, bought a condo, enrolled in online university courses, and started dating again.  Not all at once — it all happened over the course of about six months.

After moving into my condo, I had a melt down.  I wasn’t coping, and I wasn’t really any happier.  Feeling defeated, I went back on anxiety medication.  Shortly after, I met a man who seemed to be everything I had been waiting for.  I rushed in blindly because it felt good.  I was too blind to see the red flags that were waved right in front of my face, and it ended with confusion and heart ache.  At the same time, work pressured mounted, and I fell into a depression.  That was about the time my blog posts became less and less frequent.  Two months later, I end up where I am today.  This post, however, is not about what has changed — that is a TBC…..

I’ve hit a major turning point in my life, and this post is a good-bye to the past.  I’m now able to look back and see that everything that happen was necassary.  I would not have come to this point without experiencing pain.  PAIN = Growth.  There is a fire in my heart now, and I’m filled with a new sense of passion.  I’m excited to share my new self with all of my friends here, so stay tuned for a new story.

Giving Up Doesn’t Always Mean You Failed

“I have not failed.  I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison

Another day where I’m counting the minutes until I can get the hell out of dodge, and by dodge, I mean work.  It may sound like I have nothing better to do than blog while I’m at work, but that’s not the case.  I’m at work from 7:00 a.m. until 4:30 p.m..  That’s 9.5hrs, and I don’t leave for lunch or breaks.  There’s no point — my work place is on the outskirts of town, and there is no time to go anyhwere.  Therefore, I take breaks at my desk, at which time, I blog.

Now that I’m done explaining myself, I can get back to the important business of complaining.    I’m not a complainer in life, at least not often.  I don’t  see the point in complaining; it doesn’t change things.  Case in point, the last hour of the work day.  I can complain all I want about it, but there’s still going to be an hour until I get to leave.  By this time of day, I’m mentally exhausted.  My job is a cyribrial one, and most of my time is listening to other people complain.  I’m going to change the sign on my door from HR Department to Complaints Department.  Anyway, I’m going absolutely nowhere with this post.

Writing a post about nothing was my goal for today.  I’ve started and trashed at least a half dozen posts today — all of them made me angry.  I guess that’s because I am angry.  After 9 months, I let my doctor put me back on medication for my anxiety and depression.  I caved, and even though I know better, I feel like a failure.  If it were someone else, I would solidly support the decision to use medication.  I don’t know why I hold a different standard to myself.  My expectations of going med free were too high.  I had grand illusions that I would somehow be able to cure myself once I was no longer drugged up.  Ridiculous I know, but I felt it all the same.

I give myself today to be upset, but that is it.  I can’t change my fate in life; I have anxiety and depression, and I need to accept it.  The one thing I realized in the past 9 months of trying to cope without medication is that I am strong.  But I do not need to suffer any longer to prove to myself that I can handle it.  Life doesn’t need to be this hard. I’m tired of fighting my mind each and every day.  Being strong is a good thing, but so is being smart.  I’m smart enough to know that I will be happier with medication.  The next few weeks will be an adjustment, as I wait to see if these medications will work for me.  I’m not new to mood medication, so I know the drill.  I will either settle in and feel better over the next few weeks, or I will lose my shit and have to start over with something different.  Figures crossed we picked the right ones the first go around.

My doctor said something the other day that I’m going to keep with me. His face read of compassion when he said: “You wouldn’t call a diabetic a failure if they couldn’t manage their disease without insulin, so why do you think you are a failure for needing medication to manage your anxiety?”  The answer is I DON’T KNOW.  Having a mind illness is hard to comprehend even for those of us who experience it.  Therefore, it’s hard to admit that we can’t control it.  BUT, we can’t.  So without futher ado… I’m off to finish my day.  Thank you to everyone who supported me while I attempted a med free life.  Your kindness will never be forgotten.

 

 

A Date For Christmas

couple, footprints, kiss

This little picky mc picktser has been a single gal for something like 4ish years.  In those 4 years, I have had some dates, but nothing to write home about.  I’m picky…. straight up.

The hardest time, in my opinion, to be single is the holidays.  Being alone during Christmas is hard, but I try not to let it get me down.  To cheer me up , I let my dog buy me lots of presents.  This year, however, it would be pretty great to have at least a casual male friend to hang out with.  I will be in a new temporary home, so I wouldn’t mind having someone to keep me company.  Because I’ve been so busy with selling my house, finding a rental, packing, and looking for a place to buy, I haven’t had time to Tinder or POF.  BUT something has come up, and I’ve got myself a date this Saturday.

Let me tell you how this came about.  A couple of weeks ago, my realtor set up a home inspection of my current home for the potential buyers.  This was part of their subjects, so it had to be done.  The inspection went pretty good, and I only had to fix a minor insulation issue under my trailer.  When I arrived home from work on the day of the inspection, I noticed the inspector’s business card on my counter.  His picture was on the card, and he had written “Thanks Kim” on the corner.  I looked at the picture and realized….

I recognized him.  HE was a match of mine from plenty of fish, and we had talked a year or two ago.  I never did meet up with him, but I found it kind of strange that he had been in my house.  I figured he would know whose house he was in because I have my fitness photos hanging in my spare room.  I mentioned to my realtor that I somewhat knew the inspector he had hired.  My realtor chuckled, and then told me the inspector was a pretty good guy.

The card sat on my counter for a couple weeks, and I thought about maybe texting the number on the card — but I wasn’t sure if it would be appropriate.  Yesterday, I received a text from a strange number that read: “is this Kim?”  Turns out he was thinking the same thing.  He had my number because it was needed for the work order to inspect my house.  He said he wasn’t sure if he should text me, but he chanced it anyway.  LONGish story short.  We are meeting for a drink on Saturday night.

Knowing how I am with men, I’m not getting my hopes up.  But I’m going to try and be open to the opportunity.  Who knows maybe it will turn out to be a little Christmas fling.  WHY the heck not?  This chicky needs to get laid.  Sorry — possible over share 😉

 

 

 

 

Uninspired

This week has been filled with upheaval.  My head is spinning with all the tasks that need to get done before I move into my temporary home.  Today I went to the bank to move my investment money to an accessable account, so I’m ready for when I make an offer on a new house.  I also cancelled all the services going to my current resident effective the middle of December.

All I want to do tonight is go home and drink a glass of wine, but that’s not in the cards.  I have a fitness conference I have to attend all weekend.  I’d bail, but I need the credits to keep my personal training and fitness instructor certifications. Fuck a DUCK!!!! — Howard the Duck reference for anyone old enough.

Tonight I will sit and listen to a keynote speaker talk about how to motivate our clients.  I’ve heard the same damn speech a million times over the 12 years of Keynotes I’ve had to listen to.  These workshops used to inspire me, but they don’t anymore.  I haven’t heard any original content in years, so I find these events painfully boring.  At least they will be serving wine and cheese.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  Till next week my friends.

Holidays in a Box

Every year my Christmas tree goes up on December 1.  I may be a single girl, but I still have my own holiday traditions.  I love the holidays; the sparkly lights, spiced scented candles, christmas tree, and stockings.  I love it all.  Now that my house is sold and I need to find a place to live in 3 weeks, It seemed as though there would be no Christmas for me this year.

Last years tree 😦

Now that I’m over the shock of the situation; however, I’ve decided to improvise.  I will be moved at least a few days before Christmas, so my tree will eventually get decorated — even if it’s only for a few days.  For me, the holidays are all the weeks leading up to Christmas.  So what do I do for the 3 weeks leading up to Christmas?  I will be living out of boxes, dealing with mortgage brokers, and hopefully make a deal on a house.  I don’t want to miss out on all the festivities, so here is my plan.

I haImage result for small white christmas treeve a small little fake white christmas tree that I normally put up in my bedroom.  Yes, it’s true, I put up two trees at Christmas and I live alone.  Don’t judge me.  Anyway, I’m going to pull out the tree and plug it in.  Besides the lights, it won’t be decorated, but I will have a tree.  I will shop for gifts as per usual.  They will get wrapped and placed by my small white tree.  When it comes time to move, I will put them all in one big box labelled – GIFTS. I’ve cleared all my previous obligations for next weekend, so I can spend the whole weekend packing.  I plan to get the bulk of the packing done, so I can still have available evenings to meet up with friends and family for the usual holiday drink and snacks.

 

Image result for holiday drinks with friends

 

In my house, my dog and I exchange gifts.  I’ve told my dog that this year, I’d like all my gifts to be for the new house.  If I haven’t found a place before Christmas then I’ve asked her to only get me a couple of small things and to save her allowance fot the big move.  I’m really hoping I can find a place to buy and that the sale can be put through before Christmas, but if not, my best friend has kept her basement suite open for me to live in temporarily.  Honestly, the generosity and support I am getting from all my friends and family is the best Christmas gift of all.

My Dog Olivia opening up last years stocking

This year will be different, but I will still have Christmas.  This year I will be having my holidays in a box.  That reminds me of a little SNL Christmas Jingle:

 

Homeless in The Loops

 

My HOUSE is sold!!!! After 10 long years of living the mobile home life, I’m finally moving up in the world.  OK, not the world, but the housing market.  I would have made this move years ago, but I haven’t been able to sell up until now.

I’m excited, sad, anxious, stressed out, happy, and scared.   Who knew a person could feel so many different emotions at one time.  The next month or two is going to be a hell of a ride for me, but I’m up for the challenge.  I’m going to show my anxiety disorder that I can handle this.  Maybe then it will back down and leave me alone — a person can dream.

I have so much more to say, but my brain has been overloaded.  I can’t get my thoughts in order, so I will say goodnight and blog again another day.

 

Stuck In Panic Land

Blogging has had to take the back burner these past few days, and I miss it.  I am not only waiting to find out if the sale of my house will go through, I’m also knee deep in grievances at work.  FUN SHIT.  All I can say is thank god I’m not HR for a unionized company.

My anxiety levels have been super high with all the uncertainty of my future.  So high that I had two severe panic attacks yesterday.  The first one came on in the middle of a conversation with a co-worker.  He was asking how my house sale was going.  I started telling him about the issues I was having with my agent, when I felt a sudden sharp pain in my chest.  My chest tightened completely, and I began grasping for air.   My senses were on high alert: I was hot one minute and cold the next.  I felt all the blood drain from my face, and I lost feeling in both of my arms.  My first thought — HEART ATTACK.  Regardless of how many panic attacks I suffer, I still think I’m having a heart attack when they come on.  The thought of having a heart attack makes me panic more, and I’m totally fucked until the wave crashes.

Image result for panic attack

Luckily, my co-worker knows about my anxiety disorder, so when I began to panic, he came to my rescue.  He leaped from his chair and shut my office door.  He then picked up his chair and placed it right in front of me, so we were sitting knee to knee.  Next he reached out and placed his hand over top of mine.  His eyes locked on mine –It was like he was searching for me inside of my head.  In a very calm voice he began repeating “you are not having a heart attack, it’s ok just breathe.”  Over and over again he said these words until I burst into tears and the oxygen returned to my body.  HELL.  Fucking hell.  That’s what panic attacks are.  In the 10 years I was medicated for my anxiety, I probably only had 4 or 5 panic attacks.  I’ve had that same amount, if not more, in the four months since I quit my meds.

I’m not sure why I’ve stayed dedicated to med free.  I think I’m waiting to see if I can find solid ground.  Four months doesn’t seem like enough time to learn how to be ok on my own.  But, then again, maybe I’m fooling myself.  Maybe life without meds means constant panic attacks and daily anxiety.

Tomorrow is the day.  All subjects are supposed to come off, and I will know if I need to pack.  Selling at Christmas time is shit.  Shit Shit Shit.  Sorry for the onslaught of curses, and the random jumping from topic to topic: swearing helps when I feel this anxious.  Time for me to get back to work.  Send some good thoughts out for me if you can…. I could really use some positive vibes.  I hope you are all well blogger friends.  ‘Til next time.