Firestorm

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My view of the world is full of smoke and ashes.  The wildfires in BC have full cities evacuated, and over 40,000 of them have come to our city for refuge.  The air is thick with smoke, and everyone is feeling the stress of the situation.  I haven’t written in over a week because I’ve been so consumed with the devastation.  Our city’s residents have gone above and beyond to support and house the evacuees, and I couldn’t be more proud to live where I do.

Unfortunately, the heavy smoke makes it impossible to feel good.  People are staying inside, and everyone is feeling down and restless.  I haven’t been able to run outside in weeks — thank god for the gym.  I’m really noticing the affect the smoke has had on my lungs.   I’m struggling with cardio, and I haven’t even attempted a heavy strength day.  My dog is restless because I won’t take her outside.  She is so small, and I worry the smoke will be too much for her little lungs.  My evenings are spent in my bedroom with curtains shut and Netflix playing.  My living room has floor to ceiling windows that highlight the haze over our town.

This past week has been difficult, as I watch people on Facebook and TV cry for their lost pets and homes.  Our downtown businesses are filled with displaced people trying to keep themselves busy, so as not to think about whether or not they will have a home to return to.  It’s a sad and scary time for our province.  My only hope is that we will catch a break with the weather and get some rain.  Unlikely, but I hope none-the-less.  Currently our weather has been extremely hot with high winds.  The wind is what brings the billows of smoke into the valley of our city.  Everywhere smells like a campfire even inside buildings and cars.  If I knew a dance for rain, I’d do it all day.

 

Smoke On The Water — AND Everywhere Else

A view of our city at mid-day

The whole province is on fire, and we are living in the land of smoke and ash.  Thousands of people from cities all across British Columbia have been evacuated from their homes due to 100s of out of control wildfires.  High winds blow smoke and ash through the valley, and it’s near impossible to breathe in our city right now.

Currently, my city is not in danger, as there are no fires close enough to be threatening.  The smoke, however, has dramatically effected our air quality.  Residence have been told to stay indoors as much as possible, and many people are walking the streets wearing face masks.  Local businesses have set up temporary shelters or have offered meals for neighbouring town evacuees.   It’s a scary time for our province, and it doesn’t look like things will get better anytime soon.

The interior of BC gets hot and dry during the summer, and this year’s fires are mostly due to lightening strikes.  Between river floods and wildfires, this has been a bad year for us.  Mother nature’s been one pissed off lady, and I hope she gets it out of her system real soon.  I’m sad for all the people who have lost their homes and businesses…. It’s a reminder of how fast life can change.  It’s scary to know that our lives can be altered by the change of the wind.

On a more personal note, I’ve been struggling to find my footing again in life.  My anxiety disorder makes it difficult for me to adjust to changes in my routine.  This year, I have pushed myself back into the dating world, and so far it has done nothing but send me spinning.  My emotions have been all over the map, and I’m having to relearn how to manage my days.  I’ve written very little in the past few months; I just can’t seem to find my rhythm.  Basically, I’m completely out of sorts.

For now, all I can do is manage one minute, hour, day at a time.

For all those evacuated from your homes, I’m sending out a little prayer (to whom ever maybe listening).

 

 

 

Dicks and Guns

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When someone pisses you off, drink a beer and go shoot something.  Sound advice my friends — sound advice.  This is what I will be doing tonight to let off some much needed steam.  After four long weeks of emotional fuck me over, I still have not completely rid myself of a dick of a man.  My lesson is to never, under any circumstances, lend out property to a man.  Specifically one who has been messing with my mind.  At any rate, I lent out a guitar, of which, I now must wait another week to try and retrieve.  So load me up, and let’s get skeet shooting.

This would all make more sense to you all if I had kept up writing through it all, but I didn’t.   Mainly because I was too embarrassed to admit I kept letting a certain man back into my life.  I was hoping he would pull his shit together, so I could write about the happy ever after ending.  Sadly, and not unexpectedly, the ending was not a happy one.   No, no, no — not happy at all.  It was a long, painfully irritating, frustratingly, annoying FUCKED up ending.  One I would like to be done and fogotten with.  However, Mr. Dick has prolonged the ending by one last week.  DICK.

In other news, I purchased myself a tennis racket last night.  I’ve decided to take up tennis, so I signed up for a lesson which takes place next Wednesday night.  I’m not sure why I’m doing this.  I have no one to play with once I learn how, but who knows.  Maybe the universe will get it right next time, and it will send me a great man who enjoys playing tennis.  As mentioned earlier, I’m off to do some skeet shooting tonight.  It’s a work thing.  We are part of a local construction association, and they put this event on every year.  I TOTALLY suck at it, but there is free food and beer — need I say more.

I’ve made a little promise to myself to get myself back on track.  That includes posting regularily.  I’m not normally one to let a man twist my life around so dramatically, but it happened and I need to get on with it.  I’m still reeling from the experience, and if honest, still a little sad at the outcome.  My hopes were high; I had liked him at first.  He was good at hiding his true self, and I was naive to believe his bullshit.  Lesson learned.  On that note, I’m off to change into something more shooting appropriate.  “PULL”

 

F Bomb Tuesday

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If I had a nickel for every minute of the day I feel anxious, I’d have a lot of fucking nickels.  It would be a pain in the ass to have that many nickels to roll.  I would roll them though.  I’d roll them and take them straight to the bank — and then I would quit my job.

I’m pretty sure if it weren’t for men and money, I wouldn’t even have an anxiety disorder.  Money itself doesn’t cause me anxiety, but the lack of it sure does.  Where as DICKs themselves don’t cause me anxiety, but having dick causes me nothing but stress.  I really don’t know why or how men do it, but they sure know how to fuck with my head.

All I need to do is win the lottery, and stop dating men…. problem solved.  Easy peasy lemon squeezy.  If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m in a bit of a mood.  Work and a certain man have been the shits this week, and it’s only Tuesday.  I am to blame for the man issue.  I am a sucker for punishment, and I keep taking him back.  Work, on the other hand, is not something I can control.  At least not the issue I’m dealing with currently.  The best I can do is take a deep breath and power through.

On that note, I’m going to tidy up my desk, go for a run, and then go for a beer with my bud.  I’m not sure how I’d manage if it weren’t for exercise and alcohol.  Here’s hoping for a better hump day.

 

Bye Felicia; I’ve Found Me A Rock Star

Why are some men such dicks?  Please note I said “some”, as I have heard rumour there are some decent ones out there.  I’ve recently had my heart completely played with, and yet, I still have a strong desire to find someone to spend my life with.  What the f*ck is wrong with me?

After my recent five week, action packed, exciting little fling, I spend two weeks dealing with the aftermath.  He didn’t know what he wanted; he blamed his ex; he blamed me; he apologized (twice); he ignored me after apologizing.   It was exhausting.  Physically and mentally.  For a person with severe anxiety, the uncertainty and back and forth was excrutiating.  I’ve basically been stuck in a constant rumination that damn near killed me.  Ok, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration.  At times, however, I became so obsessive in thought, I literally ran myself to almost death.  The miles put on my runners these past two weeks is damn impressive.  My body aches, I’m tired, but not gonna lie — I look pretty great.

Back to the topic of dick.  Funny, cause that is his name.  He doesn’t go by DICK, but he really should.  My heart was awakened after five dormant years, and now it aches of loneliness.  Even though it was bullshit, he made me feel special and wanted.  DICK.

STOP RIGHT HERE.  A miracle just happened….. haha ok, not a miracle, but let me take you back to a crush I had going last summer Read here Play Me A Song.  MR. Dave the rock star, just appeared on a very popular dating site.  Granted I now know he is only 33 years old, so like 9 years too young.  Still, he’s single — the crowed goes wild.

Fuck you DICK.  I’m off to stalk a rock star.

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This is Why We Do it

It’s been awhile since I’ve reflected on my blog.  Why do I write?  Who do I write for? etc. etc.  I think my reasons and audience have changed a great deal since I started my blog a year ago.  Some people have very specific blogs.  They have purpose behind why they write and what they write about.  I’m not really one of those people.  Not that I don’t have purpose.  It’s just my purpose changes as my life changes.

A year ago, I was taking a technical communication course, and we had to learn about blog writing.  That was how it all started.  There was no great epiphany, or any specific topic I wanted to write about.  I just wanted to write.  I like writing as a way of expressing myself.  I tried to put some purpose to the blog.  To begin I wrote about being a single, career woman with no children.  That filled up at least two blog posts.  Admittedly, my start up was very weak.  I’ve had periods over the past year of decent writing, and times of just crap.  Sometimes, it’s just not there.  Nothing interesting to talk about or too much anxiety to express myself.

Today, as I ponder my reasons, I have settled with this: I write now because it has become part of who I am.  I am a blog writer.  I may not be a great one, and to be perfectly honest, I don’t give a shit.  I write about me.  What daily life looks like from the mind of someone who suffers from extreme anxiety and at times depression.  I share myself with the world, so I can feel part of it.  Not only do I write, I read.  I follow blogs of all types, but mostly I follow those of you who share what your world looks like.  I see life through different eyes in different parts of the world.  My fellow bloggers have become my support and I hope I have been that for them.

Hmmmm…. bit of an emotional post for today, but hey, it’s raining.   Rainy days require rainy posts.  Thanks to all my friends here on WordPress — you mean a lot.

An End to An End

I’m a little crazy.  I’m fully aware that my anxiety disorder causes me confusion and distress.  However, I know when I’m being manipulated, and when someone is playing games to mess with my head.  I knew this about the guy I was seeing, but I didn’t want to believe it, so I let him back in on Sunday.  This morning, I ended it.

After a week of waiting to find out why he cut me off completely last weekend, he took me for coffee on Sunday to apologize and asked to get things back on track.  I allowed it.  He’s a truck driver and was heading back on the road that evening, but he said he’d call me.  He did not.  Yesterday all I received were short replies to my text messages.  No sweetness, no phone call, no goodnight… It had me thinking “here he goes again; unsure of what he wants.”

It drove me crazy all day, and this morning I had made up my mind.  This isn’t working for me.  It was great for the first few weeks, but then he pulled away.  That caused my guard to go up, and he did nothing to make me feel secure again.  When I told him I couldn’t do it, and I wasn’t interested in the mixed messages, he turned it on me again.

I’m too insecure.  I read in to things.  Etc.  I did attempt to call him, but he wouldn’t pick up.  I’m all too familiar with this type of manipulation.  This is exactly how it started with my ex.  He’d act all loving one day, and then cold the next.  If I asked what was wrong, I was being insecure and needy.  This type of man twists you around until you have no idea what to think anymore.  Not this time.

It doesn’t matter what his intentions or reasons are.  He makes me feel bad, and that’s not what I want in a relationship.  Passion is not the only important thing, so I have to let go.