Dicks and Guns

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When someone pisses you off, drink a beer and go shoot something.  Sound advice my friends — sound advice.  This is what I will be doing tonight to let off some much needed steam.  After four long weeks of emotional fuck me over, I still have not completely rid myself of a dick of a man.  My lesson is to never, under any circumstances, lend out property to a man.  Specifically one who has been messing with my mind.  At any rate, I lent out a guitar, of which, I now must wait another week to try and retrieve.  So load me up, and let’s get skeet shooting.

This would all make more sense to you all if I had kept up writing through it all, but I didn’t.   Mainly because I was too embarrassed to admit I kept letting a certain man back into my life.  I was hoping he would pull his shit together, so I could write about the happy ever after ending.  Sadly, and not unexpectedly, the ending was not a happy one.   No, no, no — not happy at all.  It was a long, painfully irritating, frustratingly, annoying FUCKED up ending.  One I would like to be done and fogotten with.  However, Mr. Dick has prolonged the ending by one last week.  DICK.

In other news, I purchased myself a tennis racket last night.  I’ve decided to take up tennis, so I signed up for a lesson which takes place next Wednesday night.  I’m not sure why I’m doing this.  I have no one to play with once I learn how, but who knows.  Maybe the universe will get it right next time, and it will send me a great man who enjoys playing tennis.  As mentioned earlier, I’m off to do some skeet shooting tonight.  It’s a work thing.  We are part of a local construction association, and they put this event on every year.  I TOTALLY suck at it, but there is free food and beer — need I say more.

I’ve made a little promise to myself to get myself back on track.  That includes posting regularily.  I’m not normally one to let a man twist my life around so dramatically, but it happened and I need to get on with it.  I’m still reeling from the experience, and if honest, still a little sad at the outcome.  My hopes were high; I had liked him at first.  He was good at hiding his true self, and I was naive to believe his bullshit.  Lesson learned.  On that note, I’m off to change into something more shooting appropriate.  “PULL”

 

F Bomb Tuesday

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If I had a nickel for every minute of the day I feel anxious, I’d have a lot of fucking nickels.  It would be a pain in the ass to have that many nickels to roll.  I would roll them though.  I’d roll them and take them straight to the bank — and then I would quit my job.

I’m pretty sure if it weren’t for men and money, I wouldn’t even have an anxiety disorder.  Money itself doesn’t cause me anxiety, but the lack of it sure does.  Where as DICKs themselves don’t cause me anxiety, but having dick causes me nothing but stress.  I really don’t know why or how men do it, but they sure know how to fuck with my head.

All I need to do is win the lottery, and stop dating men…. problem solved.  Easy peasy lemon squeezy.  If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m in a bit of a mood.  Work and a certain man have been the shits this week, and it’s only Tuesday.  I am to blame for the man issue.  I am a sucker for punishment, and I keep taking him back.  Work, on the other hand, is not something I can control.  At least not the issue I’m dealing with currently.  The best I can do is take a deep breath and power through.

On that note, I’m going to tidy up my desk, go for a run, and then go for a beer with my bud.  I’m not sure how I’d manage if it weren’t for exercise and alcohol.  Here’s hoping for a better hump day.

 

Bye Felicia; I’ve Found Me A Rock Star

Why are some men such dicks?  Please note I said “some”, as I have heard rumour there are some decent ones out there.  I’ve recently had my heart completely played with, and yet, I still have a strong desire to find someone to spend my life with.  What the f*ck is wrong with me?

After my recent five week, action packed, exciting little fling, I spend two weeks dealing with the aftermath.  He didn’t know what he wanted; he blamed his ex; he blamed me; he apologized (twice); he ignored me after apologizing.   It was exhausting.  Physically and mentally.  For a person with severe anxiety, the uncertainty and back and forth was excrutiating.  I’ve basically been stuck in a constant rumination that damn near killed me.  Ok, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration.  At times, however, I became so obsessive in thought, I literally ran myself to almost death.  The miles put on my runners these past two weeks is damn impressive.  My body aches, I’m tired, but not gonna lie — I look pretty great.

Back to the topic of dick.  Funny, cause that is his name.  He doesn’t go by DICK, but he really should.  My heart was awakened after five dormant years, and now it aches of loneliness.  Even though it was bullshit, he made me feel special and wanted.  DICK.

STOP RIGHT HERE.  A miracle just happened….. haha ok, not a miracle, but let me take you back to a crush I had going last summer Read here Play Me A Song.  MR. Dave the rock star, just appeared on a very popular dating site.  Granted I now know he is only 33 years old, so like 9 years too young.  Still, he’s single — the crowed goes wild.

Fuck you DICK.  I’m off to stalk a rock star.

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This is Why We Do it

It’s been awhile since I’ve reflected on my blog.  Why do I write?  Who do I write for? etc. etc.  I think my reasons and audience have changed a great deal since I started my blog a year ago.  Some people have very specific blogs.  They have purpose behind why they write and what they write about.  I’m not really one of those people.  Not that I don’t have purpose.  It’s just my purpose changes as my life changes.

A year ago, I was taking a technical communication course, and we had to learn about blog writing.  That was how it all started.  There was no great epiphany, or any specific topic I wanted to write about.  I just wanted to write.  I like writing as a way of expressing myself.  I tried to put some purpose to the blog.  To begin I wrote about being a single, career woman with no children.  That filled up at least two blog posts.  Admittedly, my start up was very weak.  I’ve had periods over the past year of decent writing, and times of just crap.  Sometimes, it’s just not there.  Nothing interesting to talk about or too much anxiety to express myself.

Today, as I ponder my reasons, I have settled with this: I write now because it has become part of who I am.  I am a blog writer.  I may not be a great one, and to be perfectly honest, I don’t give a shit.  I write about me.  What daily life looks like from the mind of someone who suffers from extreme anxiety and at times depression.  I share myself with the world, so I can feel part of it.  Not only do I write, I read.  I follow blogs of all types, but mostly I follow those of you who share what your world looks like.  I see life through different eyes in different parts of the world.  My fellow bloggers have become my support and I hope I have been that for them.

Hmmmm…. bit of an emotional post for today, but hey, it’s raining.   Rainy days require rainy posts.  Thanks to all my friends here on WordPress — you mean a lot.

An End to An End

I’m a little crazy.  I’m fully aware that my anxiety disorder causes me confusion and distress.  However, I know when I’m being manipulated, and when someone is playing games to mess with my head.  I knew this about the guy I was seeing, but I didn’t want to believe it, so I let him back in on Sunday.  This morning, I ended it.

After a week of waiting to find out why he cut me off completely last weekend, he took me for coffee on Sunday to apologize and asked to get things back on track.  I allowed it.  He’s a truck driver and was heading back on the road that evening, but he said he’d call me.  He did not.  Yesterday all I received were short replies to my text messages.  No sweetness, no phone call, no goodnight… It had me thinking “here he goes again; unsure of what he wants.”

It drove me crazy all day, and this morning I had made up my mind.  This isn’t working for me.  It was great for the first few weeks, but then he pulled away.  That caused my guard to go up, and he did nothing to make me feel secure again.  When I told him I couldn’t do it, and I wasn’t interested in the mixed messages, he turned it on me again.

I’m too insecure.  I read in to things.  Etc.  I did attempt to call him, but he wouldn’t pick up.  I’m all too familiar with this type of manipulation.  This is exactly how it started with my ex.  He’d act all loving one day, and then cold the next.  If I asked what was wrong, I was being insecure and needy.  This type of man twists you around until you have no idea what to think anymore.  Not this time.

It doesn’t matter what his intentions or reasons are.  He makes me feel bad, and that’s not what I want in a relationship.  Passion is not the only important thing, so I have to let go.

Ain’t Nothing Gonna Break My Stride

TGIF………..Tomorrow.  It’s been one hell of a week, and I’m ready to find myself some good old distractions.  Like my aunt always said, “The best way to get over a guy is to get under another.”  I’ve personally never rolled that way, but there’s always a first time.  I could be all talk.  OK, I’m all talk, but I do have a date lined up.

The past six weeks of my life hit me like a tornado.  I met a guy, really liked a guy, started to fall for a guy, then had the wind knocked right out of me.  I didn’t even see it coming.  It’s been five days of little to no contact from said guy, and I’m just starting to gain some perspective on the situation.  First of all, it’s true I was starting to fall for the guy.  But in reality, I didn’t know him that well.  Obviously.  That means, I was falling for something I thought he was, not who he really was.  Secondly, I’m ready for love, and I’m not going to let this set me back.  I’m moving forward regardless of my disappointment and sadness.

I have no false illusions that my date is going to turn out to be mr. right.  I don’t really care at this point.  I just want to be reminded that there are other men out there, and I am going to be ok.  AND who knows; maybe he will be great… or maybe… he will be GREAT, if you catch my drift. (insert wink)

 

Good-Bye Letter For An Asshole

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When a relationship ends, it is always better to find some type of closure.  Unfortunately, the man I was seeing didn’t give me that opportunity.  He simply sent a text saying he was confused about his feelings for his ex.  PERIOD.  Done.  I, of course, will not engage in a texting war over this, so we haven’t spoken since.  Now I’m left to my own devices to find closure.  Solution???? Blog it out.

This, I hope, will be the last post I write about the asshole who broke my heart.  He doesn’t deserve anymore screen time.  However, I need to get it out of my system, and my blog is as good as any place to vent.  I thought about writing and emailing a letter to him, but I don’t believe that will make me feel better.  If anything, it will feed his narcissistic arsehole needs.  I don’t know that he’s actually a narcissist; he’s given me no alternative but to guess why he behaved the way he did.  Anyway, I want to write him a letter even if he never sees it.  This is that letter:

Dear Asshole:

It doesn’t seem to matter how many of your type I meet, I’m still always surprised at how much of a dick people can be.  You came around pretending to be an honourable man with good intentions.  You told me I was beautiful, smart, funny, and amazing.  You sent me daily text messages and called me every night to tell me how much you were falling for me.  When I told you how scared I was to let my heart go, you promised you were not going anywhere.  You appeared to be the man I’ve been waiting for.  I trusted you.

I see now that it was all a game to you, and I was nothing more than food for your ego.  You strung me along with false promises and intentions, and then you carelessly tossed me aside when you were full.  You, sir, are a piece of shit.

Still, I hold my head up high and love myself.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable because I am a beautiful person deserving of love.  You may have abused that, but you did not damage me.  You made me stronger and more aware of just how loving I am.  You reminded me that I am capable of trusting and loving someone.  I may have given my love too freely, but I’m ok with that.  Just as easily as I gave my love, I take it back.

Lastly, I forgive you.  I don’t know your reasons for being a coward.  You have your own issues to deal with, and I wish you luck with them.  My only hope is that you do not hurt another loving soul in your journey to self discover.  Today, I have deleted all pictures of you, and day by day, the memory of you will become distant.  Please do not try and reach out to me in the future, as I will not be waiting for you.  I don’t care why you did what you did.  You didn’t show me the respect I deserve; therefore, you are no longer welcome in my heart.  GOODBYE dick head — I’m moving on.