An Unexpected Turn Of Events

When it comes to matters of the heart, there are no rules.  However, as we age, starting new relationships become more and more difficult. We come with baggage; we’ve been hurt, and we are scared of letting ourselves love again.  

To be perfectly honest, I didn’t think I’d ever love again after leaving a very abussive relationship five years ago. I had turtles my feelings; no man had a chance of breaking through the shell I hid under. That all changed a couple months ago.  If you’ve been following my recent posts, you know the love story gone wrong.  I had given my heart to what I thought was the one, and he ended up running.  

He ran and I turtled.   My walls went up just as fast as they had come down with him. He hurt me, and I wasn’t willing to put up with any of it.  I was determined to move on as quickly as possible, so I hit the town and tried to distract myself.  It didn’t work.  I missed him so bad my body ached.  I spent all day yesterday crying over the loss.  

Longish story short, I sent him a message last night.  I didn’t expect a response, but I felt I owed it to myself to give him the opportunity to explain himself.  This morning at 6:00am, he replied: coffee?

This is what I wanted. Him to at least see me in person and talk to me.  We met and he apologized for the shitty way he handled his fears.  He likes me a lot and it freaked him out.  He asked for forgiveness. After telling him what I will not tolerate in a relationship and after coming to a mutual understanding, I forgave him. 

Time will tell if o made the right choice, but I have to try.  My heart wants him, and I think his wants me.  I’m going back with my eyes a little wider, and it will take some time for me to fully trust him again.  But I must be willing to help him carry his baggage because I need him to help me with mine. 

So the story continues…. let’s hope this time for good.  

Sir Mixed Message A Lot

It’s here — the BIG F is finally here.       FUCK!     and it’s also Friday; I love Fridays… and the word “fuck”.  It one of those feel good words.  YEAH it’s fucking Friday baby, and I have myself booked right up for the evening.  Drinks at my place right after work with a girlfriend followed up with a Tinder date.  Look out boy — I’m feeling aggressive.

Mr. Asshole sent another text message last night.  After I specifically told him I wouldn’t deal with this by text.  His message basically said “hey, so it’s all your fault for liking me too much.  I’m a pussy and can’t handle emotions well.  I may have told you I was falling hard for you, but you are falling too fast and it freaked me out.  SO I lied about being hung up on my ex.  That was an excuse.  I wanted to put it on me, so I didn’t hurt you.  I’m not ready for anything this serious”

WTF?  Ok, he didn’t word it exactly like that — it was way worse, but that was the jist of is.  The guy is a complete mind fucker.  I had to scroll through my message to see if maybe I had only imagined all the things he told me over the past five weeks.  Guess what?  I hadn’t.  It was all there in blue and white text bubbles.  Message after message, he told me he thinks about me all the time, he misses me when we weren’t together, that he was falling hard for me etc — it goes on and on and on.  I’m completely dumbfounded as to how “I” was the one falling too hard.  Regardless, I told him to take a hike.  I’m not going to lie; that wasn’t easy for me.  I “did” like him.  Past tense intended.

SO onward and upward I go, high ho.  It’s off to swoon after another.  If I fall too fast, so be it.  The right man won’t care because he will be right there along side me.  Drinking a beer (or wine, or whiskey, or…)  smacking that!  Cause baby got back.

Ain’t Nothing Gonna Break My Stride

TGIF………..Tomorrow.  It’s been one hell of a week, and I’m ready to find myself some good old distractions.  Like my aunt always said, “The best way to get over a guy is to get under another.”  I’ve personally never rolled that way, but there’s always a first time.  I could be all talk.  OK, I’m all talk, but I do have a date lined up.

The past six weeks of my life hit me like a tornado.  I met a guy, really liked a guy, started to fall for a guy, then had the wind knocked right out of me.  I didn’t even see it coming.  It’s been five days of little to no contact from said guy, and I’m just starting to gain some perspective on the situation.  First of all, it’s true I was starting to fall for the guy.  But in reality, I didn’t know him that well.  Obviously.  That means, I was falling for something I thought he was, not who he really was.  Secondly, I’m ready for love, and I’m not going to let this set me back.  I’m moving forward regardless of my disappointment and sadness.

I have no false illusions that my date is going to turn out to be mr. right.  I don’t really care at this point.  I just want to be reminded that there are other men out there, and I am going to be ok.  AND who knows; maybe he will be great… or maybe… he will be GREAT, if you catch my drift. (insert wink)

 

Good-Bye Letter For An Asshole

Image result for finding closure

When a relationship ends, it is always better to find some type of closure.  Unfortunately, the man I was seeing didn’t give me that opportunity.  He simply sent a text saying he was confused about his feelings for his ex.  PERIOD.  Done.  I, of course, will not engage in a texting war over this, so we haven’t spoken since.  Now I’m left to my own devices to find closure.  Solution???? Blog it out.

This, I hope, will be the last post I write about the asshole who broke my heart.  He doesn’t deserve anymore screen time.  However, I need to get it out of my system, and my blog is as good as any place to vent.  I thought about writing and emailing a letter to him, but I don’t believe that will make me feel better.  If anything, it will feed his narcissistic arsehole needs.  I don’t know that he’s actually a narcissist; he’s given me no alternative but to guess why he behaved the way he did.  Anyway, I want to write him a letter even if he never sees it.  This is that letter:

Dear Asshole:

It doesn’t seem to matter how many of your type I meet, I’m still always surprised at how much of a dick people can be.  You came around pretending to be an honourable man with good intentions.  You told me I was beautiful, smart, funny, and amazing.  You sent me daily text messages and called me every night to tell me how much you were falling for me.  When I told you how scared I was to let my heart go, you promised you were not going anywhere.  You appeared to be the man I’ve been waiting for.  I trusted you.

I see now that it was all a game to you, and I was nothing more than food for your ego.  You strung me along with false promises and intentions, and then you carelessly tossed me aside when you were full.  You, sir, are a piece of shit.

Still, I hold my head up high and love myself.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable because I am a beautiful person deserving of love.  You may have abused that, but you did not damage me.  You made me stronger and more aware of just how loving I am.  You reminded me that I am capable of trusting and loving someone.  I may have given my love too freely, but I’m ok with that.  Just as easily as I gave my love, I take it back.

Lastly, I forgive you.  I don’t know your reasons for being a coward.  You have your own issues to deal with, and I wish you luck with them.  My only hope is that you do not hurt another loving soul in your journey to self discover.  Today, I have deleted all pictures of you, and day by day, the memory of you will become distant.  Please do not try and reach out to me in the future, as I will not be waiting for you.  I don’t care why you did what you did.  You didn’t show me the respect I deserve; therefore, you are no longer welcome in my heart.  GOODBYE dick head — I’m moving on.

 

Ain’t Nothing Gonna Break Me

A very wise man told me today that the most important thing we keep during heartbreak is a sense of self.  I couldn’t agree more.  With everything that has happened over the past four days, I can hold my head high and say I valued myself and my worth.

As mentioned in my last two posts, I’m currently dealing with a bit of a broken heart.  I met what I thought was the man of my dreams five weeks ago.  During those five weeks, this man convinced me he was falling for me and that he wasn’t going anywhere.  I believed him, but I was noticing how much he talked about his ex-girlfriend.  This past Friday, I asked him if he felt he was truly over her.  He looked me straight in the eyes and told me he was and that he was emotionally available for me.  Saturday he left town with a friend, and Sunday he sent me a text message that said he needed space.  Flip of a switch with no fucking warning.

Since then, he has messaged me twice by text.  Once to tell me the reason he needed space was to re-evaluate whether or not he was ready for a relationship.  He told me it was because of my question that he was now unsure.  The second message came this morning.  It basically said he didn’t know what to say to me.  He claims he might be confused, but he doesn’t want this to go any further until he is sure he won’t hurt me in the end.

My first reaction to everything was shock.  How does someone go from falling for you to not sure over night?  I don’t believe that is possible.  Once the shock wore off I felt very hurt.  Hurt that he just disappeared with only a text.  No phone call, no face to face.  A coward.  In between the hurt is anger.  Extreme anger.  I will not allow him to string me along.  If he doesn’t know what he wants then I’m not going to sit around and wait for him to figure it out.  I’ve sent him one text in return — I wrote:

“I don’t know how I feel now that this has happened.  If you want to talk to me about it then call me and we can try and sort it.  I won’t deal with this by text.”

I realize by sending this I’m giving him an ultimatum.  It was very hard for me to do this because deep down, I want this to work.  But the only way it will work is if he truly is over his ex, and he needs to be able to communicate with me — not by text.  I deserve better than a text message.  If it is over than so be it.  I will hurt, cry, and cry some more.  But one thing is for sure — I will get over it, and I will so by keeping my sense of self.  Thank you Mr. Devane for your kindness.  You are in my thoughts.

Soul Cry

For five years, I kept my heart under lock and key.  There was no way I was giving it up until I found what I was looking for.  I truly thought I had, but I was so very wrong.  My heart hurts so badly right now, I can barely breathe.  My red dry eyes burn from the river of tears that have flowed from them the last two days.  The beat of my heart is a thunderous boom in my head.  My muscles are wound so tight I’m afraid they are going to burst.  This is day two of my broken heart.

I feel foolish for feeling so hurt from a man I only dated for five weeks.  But I feel what I feel.  It has been so long since I’ve let my guard down, and I was happy.  He made me smile, and I enjoyed everything about him.  He told me he was falling hard for me, he made future plans with me, and I can still feel his touch when I close my eyes.  How could I have not seen this coming?  Yesterday out of the blue he told me he needed a moment to catch his breath.  I left him be, and this morning he sent another text (no phone call, just text).  He said I have made him question his readiness for a relationship.  He wonders if he isn’t fully over his last relationship, and that maybe he thinks about her too often.  My response: Nothing.

I’m not ready to respond.  I don’t know what to say to him.  One minute, I want to tell him it’s normal to question, the next I want to tell him to go fuck himself.  I want to yell at him for leading me on and allowing me to fall for him.  Thank him for being so careless with my heart.  But for now, I will say nothing.  He doesn’t deserve a response to a text message.  He didn’t respect me enough to call and talk to me about his feelings.

I’m so tired.  Exhaustion has taken over, but I know I will keep pushing myself.  I will push myself to the gym, and I will push myself to stay busy.  The pain will lessen, and I will survive.  Right now I hurt though.  Every single part of me is longing for him; my soul cries.   I miss him.

First Night of A Broken Heart

Five weeks.  That is how long it took me to fall for what I thought was the man of my dream.  One text message was all it took to break my heart.  

Friday he was in my bed — today he says he needs some time to put the last few weeks into perspective.   Monday he asked me to be his girlfriend, and he told me he was falling hard for me.  Today he needs a minute to catch his breath.  He wants to call me a in couple days.  

Maybe my anxiety changed his mind so quickly, or maybe he likes to be in control.  Whatever the case, he’s hurt me and the relationship. I’m not a toy.  You can’t put me aside for a couple days to decide if you want to keep playing with me.  You told me you knew what you wanted and that you were emotionally available for me.  You lied.  

Tears have fallen, and I’ve spent the day reliving all our conversations to try and figure out what I did wrong.  I’m exhausted and broken. I should not have let my guard down. I should not have let you in.  I need to sleep now.