There has been very little writing happening from me lately, and not from a lack of trying. Daily, I sit staring at the blank screen willing words to appear. Some days, I write a couple of paragraphs, but hate what I’ve written and trash the post. Other days, the blank screen stares back at me with judgement. It’s beyond frustrating because I love to write. There’s nothing better than finishing a post and hitting the publish button at the top of the screen. Pure delight. The problem, as usual, is my anxiety.
My anxiety shows itself in many different forms. Sometimes it is excess worry over work or money. Most times, I’m anxious without real reason. Currently, I’m anxious about a new relationship. The anxiety I’m experiencing right now is the most difficult to deal with, as it is mixed with happiness. Yes, I know that sounds contradictory, but it is possible to be anxious and happy at the same time. It’s confusing, but it’s possible. I can go from elation to full panic attack at the drop of a hat. Little things come up in this new relationship that send me into an anxious wreck. Yet as soon as I talk it out with my new partner, I’m fine. I’ve never in my life shared such a connection with a man. He doesn’t get upset at me when I tell him my feelings. He listens and finds ways to understand me. Every day I’m falling harder and harder for him.
So herein lies the problem. Instead of ruminating about money or work, I have obsessive repetitious thoughts about a man. Thoughts not appropriate for my blog posts. Therefore, I have nothing to write about. There has been very little else going on in my brain. Time will settle my anxiousness, and I will once again be a “normal” girl. Normal, of course, is relative. Until then, my posts will be sparce and, more than likely, about him. But only the non-X-rated things. Those I am keeping for myself.