Cause I am WHO I am

 

Playing grown up in a make belief world — that’s what life feels like to me.  Everyday I wonder when someone is going to find me out.  Realize that I have no idea what I am doing.  Is this a side effect of my anxiety, or is it normal to feel this way?

On good days, I have moments when I feel super confident, smart, and strong.  A fleeting feeling that I can take on the world.  For the most part, however, I feel like I’m “pretending” to be a grown up.  When I look in the mirror each morning, I see the girl I know as me.  She is valunerable and often unsure of herself.  Before I let the world see me, I style my hair, put on make up, and select an outfit to hide behind.  All of which designed to act as a protective armour against everyday living.

I’ve spend most of my adult life practicing my social skills as a way of hiding my fears.   I know to smile, make eye contact, give a firm handshake, stand up straight, breathe, and incorporate active listening techniques.  When I was a young girl, I was incredibly shy.  In social settings, I rarely spoke up because I feared my voice would crack and my face would flush.  Deep down, I’m still shy, but you wouldn’t know it if you met me.  To the naked eye, I’m outgoing — a true extrovet.

Self-esteem and confidence can be learned, and I have done my best to grow as strong as possible.  But there will always be the part of myself that feels “inadequate.”  I get straight A’s, but think it’s by fluke.  I have career success, but think it’s because I’ve fooled people somehow.  Every success I’ve experienced,  I eventually chalk up to an accident.  I could lie and say I believe in myself, but it’s a rare day when that is true.  I have enough self-awareness to know who I am, and why I suffer from extreme anxiety.  I spend a lot of time beating myself up for my insecurities.  BUT sometimes I don’t.  Sometimes, I am kind to myself, and I accept that I am a product of my environment and genetic make up.  I am who I am, and not one other person on this earth is the same as me — I am unique.

——————————————————————————————–I is who I is — ME!