Cause I am WHO I am

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Playing grown up in a make belief world — that’s what life feels like to me.  Everyday I wonder when someone is going to find me out.  Realize that I have no idea what I am doing.  Is this a side effect of my anxiety, or is it normal to feel this way?

On good days, I have moments when I feel super confident, smart, and strong.  A fleeting feeling that I can take on the world.  For the most part, however, I feel like I’m “pretending” to be a grown up.  When I look in the mirror each morning, I see the girl I know as me.  She is valunerable and often unsure of herself.  Before I let the world see me, I style my hair, put on make up, and select an outfit to hide behind.  All of which designed to act as a protective armour against everyday living.

I’ve spend most of my adult life practicing my social skills as a way of hiding my fears.   I know to smile, make eye contact, give a firm handshake, stand up straight, breathe, and incorporate active listening techniques.  When I was a young girl, I was incredibly shy.  In social settings, I rarely spoke up because I feared my voice would crack and my face would flush.  Deep down, I’m still shy, but you wouldn’t know it if you met me.  To the naked eye, I’m outgoing — a true extrovet.

Self-esteem and confidence can be learned, and I have done my best to grow as strong as possible.  But there will always be the part of myself that feels “inadequate.”  I get straight A’s, but think it’s by fluke.  I have career success, but think it’s because I’ve fooled people somehow.  Every success I’ve experienced,  I eventually chalk up to an accident.  I could lie and say I believe in myself, but it’s a rare day when that is true.  I have enough self-awareness to know who I am, and why I suffer from extreme anxiety.  I spend a lot of time beating myself up for my insecurities.  BUT sometimes I don’t.  Sometimes, I am kind to myself, and I accept that I am a product of my environment and genetic make up.  I am who I am, and not one other person on this earth is the same as me — I am unique.

——————————————————————————————–I is who I is — ME!

 

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Cause I am WHO I am

  1. Girl, you got this. You aren’t pretending, even if you feel like you are… You are strong and vibrant and able to do what you need to do. Do you not remember a few months ago when you were kicking ass… working, selling your trailer, buying a condo, remodeling a condo and taking classes ALL. AT. THE. SAME. TIME? Ahem…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I sometimes think that being ‘grown up’ is more a thing to strive for, than something that we are, naturally. We’re have to work at it, every day.
    Some of the best people I know live with the fear of being “found out” — ironically, I’d say it’s a mark of authenticity, and indeed, sophistication.
    The real ‘fakes’ are those who believe themselves to be mightily successful/sophisticated/accomplished and thus, ‘better’ than other people. I’m finding out more and more of these people, sadly, and I’m finding them increasingly tiresome.
    You, however, are anything but tiresome. 🙂 Keep on doing what you’re doing… and more kind-to-yourself days will come.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, you’re most welcome, Ms SG41 (and you must let me know if there’s something shorter I can call you… “Ms SG”, perhaps?) .
        Haha, well, I’m not so much kind as saying what I think to be true. 🙂
        Sadly today’s been somewhat less than unanxious since lunchtime. 😦
        Still… got to keep moving forward… nice to hear from you, though. 🙂 xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh you can call me super girl if that’s easier… lol. Actually it was smarty girl (meaning smart ass)…. but I’m open to nicknames. Damn anxiety and on a Friday too.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Haha, well I’ve been called a smart ass myself a few times (mostly at the pub)… wrongly, I felt, but who’s to say who’s right?
        I rather like ‘SuperGirl’… you have that admirable quality, for sure… so there. 😉
        And yep: Friday-anxiety should be against the law: both British and Canadian(!)

        Liked by 1 person

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