Better Today Than Yesterday

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Yesterday was a difficult day for me — both emotionally and physically.   The evening was the worst part of the day.  I’m struggling to adjust to new anti-anxiety medication, and the side effects I felt yesterday were the worse I’ve ever experienced.   If you have ever had an out-of-body experience, you may understand what I went through.

From the moment I woke up yesterday morning, I knew something was off.  Nothing seemed right.  I was in my house and I knew it was my house, but it didn’t feel like my house.  The drive to work was the same drive I take every day, but it felt unfamiliar to me.   Nothing unusual happened at work, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong.  People around me seemed far away, and I couldn’t understand who I was.  I can’t explain what my day was like exactly because it didn’t make any sense to me.  I skipped the gym after work.  I was so tired, and I was sure I’d fall into a nap the minute I hit my couch.  But I didn’t.  I became restless and scared.  I was scared of falling apart completely, and I needed a rope to grab on to.  A life line.

I called my mom, but I burst into tears which worried her.  I didn’t want her to worry, so I ended the call by telling her I was going to go for a drive.  I leashed up the dog, got in the car, and drove up the road without a destination in mind.  A few blocks up from my house is a grocery store, and I pulled my car into the parking lot for no reason.  I left the dog in the car, and wandered into the store.  I drifted towards the pharmacy area of the store and noticed a pharmacist on duty behind the counter.  It took me some time, but I finally decided to approach him and ask him for help.

With tears streaming down my face, I asked him if I should stop taking the new medication.  He was so kind, and he explained that sometimes things get worse before they get better on medication.  He did say, however, that since I haven’t been on them long, I could safely stop taking them, and I could talk to my doctor about trying something different.  He didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know, but his kindness calmed me down, and I felt better after talking to him.  I left the store with rice chips and mentos (no idea why), and went home.

I held off taking my meds until right before bed.  Without thought, I halved my dose and went to bed.  I feel better today than yesterday, but I’m still tired and a bit out of it.  I will keep the dose low for awhile longer to see if I adjust.  Tonight I will force myself to the gym, even though I feel just as tired as I did yesterday.  With any luck, the side effects will start to ease up and I will be able to enjoy a day without extreme anxiety and panic.  Thank you to everyone who commented yesterday — you have no idea how impactful your words of support were to me.

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