“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison
Another day where I’m counting the minutes until I can get the hell out of dodge, and by dodge, I mean work. It may sound like I have nothing better to do than blog while I’m at work, but that’s not the case. I’m at work from 7:00 a.m. until 4:30 p.m.. That’s 9.5hrs, and I don’t leave for lunch or breaks. There’s no point — my work place is on the outskirts of town, and there is no time to go anyhwere. Therefore, I take breaks at my desk, at which time, I blog.
Now that I’m done explaining myself, I can get back to the important business of complaining. I’m not a complainer in life, at least not often. I don’t see the point in complaining; it doesn’t change things. Case in point, the last hour of the work day. I can complain all I want about it, but there’s still going to be an hour until I get to leave. By this time of day, I’m mentally exhausted. My job is a cyribrial one, and most of my time is listening to other people complain. I’m going to change the sign on my door from HR Department to Complaints Department. Anyway, I’m going absolutely nowhere with this post.
Writing a post about nothing was my goal for today. I’ve started and trashed at least a half dozen posts today — all of them made me angry. I guess that’s because I am angry. After 9 months, I let my doctor put me back on medication for my anxiety and depression. I caved, and even though I know better, I feel like a failure. If it were someone else, I would solidly support the decision to use medication. I don’t know why I hold a different standard to myself. My expectations of going med free were too high. I had grand illusions that I would somehow be able to cure myself once I was no longer drugged up. Ridiculous I know, but I felt it all the same.
I give myself today to be upset, but that is it. I can’t change my fate in life; I have anxiety and depression, and I need to accept it. The one thing I realized in the past 9 months of trying to cope without medication is that I am strong. But I do not need to suffer any longer to prove to myself that I can handle it. Life doesn’t need to be this hard. I’m tired of fighting my mind each and every day. Being strong is a good thing, but so is being smart. I’m smart enough to know that I will be happier with medication. The next few weeks will be an adjustment, as I wait to see if these medications will work for me. I’m not new to mood medication, so I know the drill. I will either settle in and feel better over the next few weeks, or I will lose my shit and have to start over with something different. Figures crossed we picked the right ones the first go around.
My doctor said something the other day that I’m going to keep with me. His face read of compassion when he said: “You wouldn’t call a diabetic a failure if they couldn’t manage their disease without insulin, so why do you think you are a failure for needing medication to manage your anxiety?” The answer is I DON’T KNOW. Having a mind illness is hard to comprehend even for those of us who experience it. Therefore, it’s hard to admit that we can’t control it. BUT, we can’t. So without futher ado… I’m off to finish my day. Thank you to everyone who supported me while I attempted a med free life. Your kindness will never be forgotten.