Giving Up Doesn’t Always Mean You Failed

“I have not failed.  I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison

Another day where I’m counting the minutes until I can get the hell out of dodge, and by dodge, I mean work.  It may sound like I have nothing better to do than blog while I’m at work, but that’s not the case.  I’m at work from 7:00 a.m. until 4:30 p.m..  That’s 9.5hrs, and I don’t leave for lunch or breaks.  There’s no point — my work place is on the outskirts of town, and there is no time to go anyhwere.  Therefore, I take breaks at my desk, at which time, I blog.

Now that I’m done explaining myself, I can get back to the important business of complaining.    I’m not a complainer in life, at least not often.  I don’t  see the point in complaining; it doesn’t change things.  Case in point, the last hour of the work day.  I can complain all I want about it, but there’s still going to be an hour until I get to leave.  By this time of day, I’m mentally exhausted.  My job is a cyribrial one, and most of my time is listening to other people complain.  I’m going to change the sign on my door from HR Department to Complaints Department.  Anyway, I’m going absolutely nowhere with this post.

Writing a post about nothing was my goal for today.  I’ve started and trashed at least a half dozen posts today — all of them made me angry.  I guess that’s because I am angry.  After 9 months, I let my doctor put me back on medication for my anxiety and depression.  I caved, and even though I know better, I feel like a failure.  If it were someone else, I would solidly support the decision to use medication.  I don’t know why I hold a different standard to myself.  My expectations of going med free were too high.  I had grand illusions that I would somehow be able to cure myself once I was no longer drugged up.  Ridiculous I know, but I felt it all the same.

I give myself today to be upset, but that is it.  I can’t change my fate in life; I have anxiety and depression, and I need to accept it.  The one thing I realized in the past 9 months of trying to cope without medication is that I am strong.  But I do not need to suffer any longer to prove to myself that I can handle it.  Life doesn’t need to be this hard. I’m tired of fighting my mind each and every day.  Being strong is a good thing, but so is being smart.  I’m smart enough to know that I will be happier with medication.  The next few weeks will be an adjustment, as I wait to see if these medications will work for me.  I’m not new to mood medication, so I know the drill.  I will either settle in and feel better over the next few weeks, or I will lose my shit and have to start over with something different.  Figures crossed we picked the right ones the first go around.

My doctor said something the other day that I’m going to keep with me. His face read of compassion when he said: “You wouldn’t call a diabetic a failure if they couldn’t manage their disease without insulin, so why do you think you are a failure for needing medication to manage your anxiety?”  The answer is I DON’T KNOW.  Having a mind illness is hard to comprehend even for those of us who experience it.  Therefore, it’s hard to admit that we can’t control it.  BUT, we can’t.  So without futher ado… I’m off to finish my day.  Thank you to everyone who supported me while I attempted a med free life.  Your kindness will never be forgotten.

 

 

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15 thoughts on “Giving Up Doesn’t Always Mean You Failed

  1. Haha I deal with a lot of complaints and I like to tell people I work in ‘communications’… euphemisms make me feel better. 😉
    More seriously, I’ve been both on and off medication thru my own experiences, and I know the pluses and minuses of both… I also know that no two people’s experiences are the same, or even comparable. You’re trying something else now. Sounds like good sense to me.

    Anyway, whatever path you try, you remain an inspiration to me, in your strength & your open honesty.
    Here’s to better times. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha the poor quality of my writing usually does that to people. 😉
        But seriously, you are most welcome — and you’ve brought a smile to this old insomniac’s face. 🙂
        Good days ahead! xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I get it. I’m re-evaluating my med situation, too. I’ve been off meds for awhile other than my focus pills. I’m a mess. A. Mess. I hate the idea of gruesome side effects. I hate knowing that the first ones might not work. I hate knowing I will be so rocking exhausted as my body adjusts for likely weeks on end. Yet…my current reality is not working and I KNOW I need to do something different. Sorry — didn’t mean to make this about me. I just wanted you to know that someone out here relates more than you can imagine. It sucks, but it will get better. I wish you all the best as you figure it out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Don’t be sorry. Make it about you because you are important. I waited longer than I should have and meds are not the enemy. Meds are not going to fix every thing but they can be a relief in a life of mental misery. Thank you commenting and sharing your struggle. It’s helpful to know we are not alone.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. There is no shame in this girl. Why wouldn’t you do what you can to make life easier? It isn’t a failure to seek help.

    I have tried to talk to MS about seeking medication for his depression, if only to help him get through these very difficult times we are facing but he won’t. I wish he would consider it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s a difficult choice, and I’ve been on and off them for years. They don’t come without their side effects, and when you are on them, you feel fine so you think you don’t need them any more. I really appreciate your kind words; I needed that. xxoxox

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I am like you…different standards for myself than the rest of the world (way higher ones) I have made myself feel awful, beating myself up for not being able to do lots of things because of my mental health probs. Mental health does affect our everyday life…how could it not. It’s our fucking brain that is wired differently, and our brains are the control centre of everything. I tried to come off my tablets and my life got so unbelievably hard, but I remember how fed up I felt to have to increase my way back up my usual dose again. It sucked. But I know how I feel in the absence of tablets and it’s not worth braving it without. I think some people equate being on psychiatric meds as weak, but I don’t listen to their shitty opinions. Mental and physical health is only different because of societal stigma of one of those, otherwise they are both exactly the same. Allow yourself a period of adjustment and disappointment, but then try and go easy on yourself. You did great! And you’ll do even better when you get established on a combination of meds at the right dose that help you 😊 Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks sweetie. I let too may people around me make me feel like I would be better off with out meds. I managed, but I want to do better than just manage life… I want to enjoy it. I really appreciate all the support you’ve given me this past year. I hope you are doing well today. xoxoxox

      Liked by 1 person

  5. sounds like the right decision. it is true that we all deserve to feel good about ourselves or our lives; whether with medication or not does not matter. one of my friends had told me something similar to what your doctor has told you many years ago. I remember it crystal clear. it opened my eye and helped me realize that not me but the person going thru the conditions/depression/anxiety would know what they would need to feel good. feel good, my friend. It is your birthright

    Liked by 1 person

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