A Battle of Mind: Walking The Line

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For me, life is an overwhelming experience.  There is always too much to do, not enough money to do it, and no way to remember it all.  Countless thoughts run through my head in any given moment, and it’s impossible for me to stay on top of them all.  When I realize something has been forgotten, I belittle myself mercifully.  The forgotten task is a reminder that I need to think harder… remember better, be more organized, be better.  This is what it’s like to live with my anxiety.

Always worried that the other shoe will drop.  Worry has dominated my emotions for as long as I can remember.  Today is no exception.  There are many types of anxiety and/or phobia disorders, and mine is probably one of the more common ones.  I fall under the definition of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  The name is appropriate.  I’m generally always anxious.  What makes me anxious typically revolves around security and love; however, I can be triggered by the stranges things at times.

The other night, for example, I woke up because I heard a car speed by my house.  Half asleep, I became extremely anxious that all the cars on the road were speeding and someone was going to cause an accident.  My mind wouldn’t let it go; each car I heard from then on fuelled my panic.  It got so bad that I started to fear the thought of driving to work the next day.  I was terrified of not having control of my car or of having someone else hit me.  There’s no basis for this fear — I’ve had maybe 2 minor car accidents in the 26 years I’ve been driving, but for some reason I couldn’t think rationally.

Another trigger for my anxiety is my extremely high expectations of myself.  I’m never thin enough, smart enough, kind enough, creative enough — I’m never enough.  I have several theories as to why I am that way, but the reasons why don’t change it.  I’ve been seriously considering asking my doctor to put me back on my medication.  Medication doesn’t rid me of anxiety, but it does eliminate my panic attacks.  I’m been waying out this decision ever since I stopped taking my meds back in June 2016.  It isn’t an easy one for me.  I’m conflicted by my thoughts.   I’m walking the line  between my contrasting opinions of being medicated.  Until the decision is made, I can only manage one day at a time.  I suit up each day with my armour of humour, writing, wine, and physical activity.

I’m at war with myself every day, and I have no idea who is winning.

Here’s a little Johnny Cash to finish off the week with.  

 

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15 thoughts on “A Battle of Mind: Walking The Line

      1. yep only 24 mins now…. tick tock — Fridays are bad for this. Usually the building is empty by 3pm, and it’s only a few of us watching the clock for the remainder of the day.

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  1. these sounds familiar to me. I had anxiety for some time, which I hope is behind me now. bu i remember how it feels and how the mind races and concludes. You are one brave person going through it and without the medication while you have an option to take it – so well done. whatever your decision re;medication I want you to know I am with you and supporting you. best

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      1. I think you are doing wonderful 🙂 I wish nobody had experienced it yet there it is; irrational fear.. thanks to it I had started martial arts training, which not only helped heal my mind, but also was one of the most interesting experiences in my life ever 🙂

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  2. I think the lack of exercise since your unhurt can’t be helping. All I’d say is (with ref. to the meds) is that although I’m sure you feel proud for being med free and living up to the med-free challenge, there are no prizes for coping unmedicated. On a brain level it sounds like your brain is craving them if your symptoms of panic and gad are harder to tolerate. If you have a chronic physical discomfort there would be no kudos to being med-free but because your condition is psychological then people like to try and cope without them. It isn’t a bad thing or some kind of failure if you return on a low dose of something that makes you better able to breathe and stay in control. That is sensible and an act of self-care in my view. Why struggle on, when you could find life a bit easier? Anxiety is shit. I feel shit with my anxiety right now, but if I was med-free I’d probably be in hospital! 💛💛💛

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    1. I do agree with using meds if it can make your life better. When I decided to come off the side effects were what was causing me so much grief. I tried switching them up, but the side effects were worse. I guess I’m trying to figure out which is worse for me right now. Panic or side effects. I am pretty sure I am going to be calling the doctor to try something new. I know I shouldn’t feel like a failure, but I do. Thanks for your kind words — they mean a lot

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      1. I understand…side effects can be really tough. There is no magic solution. I use pregabalin (lyrica) which is totes amaze and the best for general anxiety I’ve ever used with no side effects apart from a little weight gain, but I’m prepared to deal with that for a calmer life. You’ll do the right thing I’m sure of it 😊 Xx

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      2. The worst side effect I get from the meds are weight gain and no sex drive…. 😦 I’ve never heard of pregabalin; I wonder if it’s available in Canada. I will check into it for sure.

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      3. Yeah I imagine. Ugh. It’s pants 😣 pregabalin is a wonderful drug to me but it isn’t prescribed usually initially, as it’s really expensive. It is for people with physical issues usually but it is also prescribed for GAD. I take it twice a day only a small regulations dose and it’s changed my life. Yeah it’s a bit harder to stay slim but to me it’s a small price to pay. I’m also pretty horny usually 😂😂

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