Comfortably Numb

I heard a saying a few days ago that has really stuck with me.  I can’t remember for the life of me where I heard it, but it went something like this: “You only grow when you are uncomfortable.”

How perfect and true.  It isn’t until we push ourselves out of our comfortable daily routines that we grow.  Being uncomfortable is a fact of life for someone like me.  I’ve lived with anxiety since I was a little girl, so I’m pretty much always in a semi-uncomfortable state.  Because my body is in a constant state of fight or flight, I’m usually looking for ways to feel “comfortable.”  I have a tendancy to find ways to numb myself, whether that be with substances or extreme exercise.  By substances, I mean wine.   In my earlier life, I dabbled with other substances but nothing took — thank goodness.  Wine, however, is the lover that I can’t seem to leave.  Wine and exercise make up the theme of my life.

Due to an unfortunately accident that left me with a torn calf muscle, I can’t exercise right now.  I can’t even walk — I’m limping along like a three legged dog.  It’s a sad sad sight.  Without exercise I have only wine to ease my anxiety, but I’ve had to limit that as well.  My workouts cancel out the calories from the wine.  No work out — limited wine.  Notice I say limited, not eliminated.   I’m living an impossible dilemma right now.   So impossible, I’ve had to slow down and find alternative relaxation methods.  This brings me back to my original point of personal growth in uncomfortable times.  I don’t feel like I’m growing, but I maybe, just maybe, I am.

I’ve had to slow myself down to deal with my anxiety.  I can’t run or drink it away, so I have no choice but to deal with it head on.  Sober and restless.  I’m by no means cured; my anxiety is pretty bad right now.  BUT I’m surviving, and I’ve been able to achieve brief moments of calm.  That may sound pretty insignificant, but it’s the little things that end up becoming the big changes in our lives.  I don’t know if I will ever get to a place where I don’t need to somewhat numb myself.  I don’t know any other way to shut down the noise in my head.  Even when I was on meds, I still had my workouts and wine.  BUT one never knows what the future will hold.  There may be a day when I will find balance.  Stranger things have happened.