A Soul is Bared — The Internal Struggle of G.A.D.

Woman on Shadow

 

Anxiety can often rule my life.  For the past two weeks, I have experienced higher than normal anxiety; likely caused by my recent move and a poor man choice.   As I reflect over the past few weeks, I realize I should have given myself time to settle into my new home before I tackled my love life.  Hindsight.  Because I suffer from Generlized Anxiety Disorder, too many stressors at once are not a good thing.  Not good at all.

On Monday evening my anxiety peaked.  I woke up with a sense of pure dread, so I spent the day running from it: I studied, worked out for 2 hours, painted my house, walked the dog, did laundry, cleaned my house… I wore myself to the bone trying to out-run the unsettledness of my mind and body; only to end up sobbing in my tub feeling completely defeated.  When my anxiety gets to this level, I have no choice but to stop and reset myself.

The first thing I do is stop drinking.  This is the hardest for me, as I typically  have a couple glasses of wine a night to relax.  However, when the anxiety starts to increase, so does my drinking.  I don’t notice it at first, or maybe I do and I don’t admit it to myself.  Either way, 2 glasses turns into a bottle a night pretty quick.  When I get to the point of NON-STOP crying, I know it’s time to dry out.  I haven’t had a drop since Sunday night, and I don’t plan on having anything until I’m feeling better.

Step two is to be mindful of my breathing, thoughts, and eating.  When I’m anxious, I hold my breath a lot.  My thoughts become extremely negative and sometimes suicidal.  I WOULD Never actually try to hurt myself, but when the internal pain becomes increasingly hard to bare, I question why continue.  To handle the pain I cope with either food restriction or over exercising.  The constant negative thoughts, lack of oxygen, and lack of food become a lethal combination.  To end the cycle, I must turn my focus on mindfulness.  I breath, question my thoughts, and nourish my body with healthy foods.  It sounds easy, but it is not.

Once I’ve become mindful, it’s time to talk.  I talk to family, and I talk to friends who know me and have seen me go through this before.  I need reassurance that I am doing ok without my medication.  I need to hear that I’m not crazy and that this will pass.  Talking helps me sort my thoughts, but it can also make me more anxious.  I worry if I’m a burden to my friends and family.  My burden worries reduce the amount of time I spend talking to people.  I talk, and then I withdrawal from the world for a bit.  I dont’ know if this is a good habit, but it’s what I do.

Finally, I write when I’m anxious.  I don’t always write about my anxiety; not directly anyway.  I don’t want my blog to be a self-pity party, so I do my best to limit the negative.  More often than not, I keep my writing short and humourous.  Being lyrically creative increases my self-esteem which in turn, reduces my anxiety.

So that’s me right now.  It’s me a lot of the time, but it’s not all I am.  Hidden within the threads of my anxiety is a smart, funny, loving woman who would give anything for a day of peace.  I’ve bared my anxious soul today, but do not worry.  Tomorrow I’ll be back to writing about sex, wine, and rock and roll baby.

 

 

 

Advertisements

5 Comments Add yours

  1. Buffy Devane says:

    Hi again,
    I’m sorry things have been so rough, but well done for sharing all that… I wanted to do likewise yesterday, but settled on an uneven poem. 😉

    You have a good way for dealing with it all, I think. In a way it’s not a bad thing that you’re concerned you might be a burden to others (it shows a conscientious concern for others’ feelings), especially because talking things out can be essential (I think), even if we have to repeat ourselves a little.
    Haha as a friend said to me: “the fact that you’re worried about coming across as sounding self-absorbed or boring is what stops you from being so.”

    Good for you, too, for being determined not to be defined solely by what’s making you suffer. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ms. SG41 says:

      I for one, enjoyed your uneven poem, and thanks you for the kind words. I always enjoy hearing from you. It makes my day. xoxox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Buffy Devane says:

        Thank you — and you’re most welcome. 🙂
        And gosh… now you’re making me blush(!) You’re exceptionally kind… and likewise; hearing from you never fails to make me smile. 🙂 x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ms. SG41 says:

        Us Canadian girls are a joy aren’t we?

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Buffy Devane says:

        You won’t hear any argument from me. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s