Never once will you hear me say I love my anxiety. I don’t — I hate it. Anxiety makes life way harder than it needs to be. However, I will say anxiety gets shit done. At least mine does.
I’m always the first to arrive, and I’m the first to complete my work projects. I’ve never missed a dead line, and when someone asks me to do something — I just do it. I’m terrified I will forget to do something, so I am always doing. I’m in a constant state of stressful busyness.
Take for example preparing for my move. I’ve lived in my home for over 10 years, and I sold it 2 weeks ago. I’m literally all packed and ready to go — already. I have some final things to pack, but that’s only because I still have 2 weeks to live in the house, and I need the items for daily living.
I’m currently looking for a new home to purchase. Over the past two weeks I’ve looked at 15 places, and I made an offer on one. It didn’t pan out, so tomorrow I’m off to look at another. I’d love to be able to sit back and enjoy the house hunting ride, but I can’t. My anxiety doesn’t allow for this kind of enjoyment. I will be happy once I find the place, and move the final box. As stressed out as I am, believe it or not, I’m doing better than I normally do during stressful events. I’ve never been able to handle big stressful events without the help of my anxiety medication. In the past, my anxiety would be too debilitating to cope without the aid of drugs.
This time, I’m doing it all on my own. I’ve thought about it going to my doctor to beg for my drugs, but I haven’t done it. Yes, I’m stressed out, and yes I feel like shit. But I am functioning, and I am getting through it. I’m hard on myself, and I forget where I once was in my life. I don’t take time to recognize how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am now, and just how good I’m actually doing. I think many of us put too much pressure on ourselves. I do not need to be mad at myself for the anxiety I’m feeling right now. Moving and buying a house is a stressful event, and I’m doing OK.
I will never love my anxiety, but I am proud at what I accomplish in life. Anxiety might just have a small part in my personal drive. OK Anxiety, one point for you — but don’t let that go to your head: you’re still a bitch.