Blogging has had to take the back burner these past few days, and I miss it. I am not only waiting to find out if the sale of my house will go through, I’m also knee deep in grievances at work. FUN SHIT. All I can say is thank god I’m not HR for a unionized company.
My anxiety levels have been super high with all the uncertainty of my future. So high that I had two severe panic attacks yesterday. The first one came on in the middle of a conversation with a co-worker. He was asking how my house sale was going. I started telling him about the issues I was having with my agent, when I felt a sudden sharp pain in my chest. My chest tightened completely, and I began grasping for air. My senses were on high alert: I was hot one minute and cold the next. I felt all the blood drain from my face, and I lost feeling in both of my arms. My first thought — HEART ATTACK. Regardless of how many panic attacks I suffer, I still think I’m having a heart attack when they come on. The thought of having a heart attack makes me panic more, and I’m totally fucked until the wave crashes.
Luckily, my co-worker knows about my anxiety disorder, so when I began to panic, he came to my rescue. He leaped from his chair and shut my office door. He then picked up his chair and placed it right in front of me, so we were sitting knee to knee. Next he reached out and placed his hand over top of mine. His eyes locked on mine –It was like he was searching for me inside of my head. In a very calm voice he began repeating “you are not having a heart attack, it’s ok just breathe.” Over and over again he said these words until I burst into tears and the oxygen returned to my body. HELL. Fucking hell. That’s what panic attacks are. In the 10 years I was medicated for my anxiety, I probably only had 4 or 5 panic attacks. I’ve had that same amount, if not more, in the four months since I quit my meds.
I’m not sure why I’ve stayed dedicated to med free. I think I’m waiting to see if I can find solid ground. Four months doesn’t seem like enough time to learn how to be ok on my own. But, then again, maybe I’m fooling myself. Maybe life without meds means constant panic attacks and daily anxiety.
Tomorrow is the day. All subjects are supposed to come off, and I will know if I need to pack. Selling at Christmas time is shit. Shit Shit Shit. Sorry for the onslaught of curses, and the random jumping from topic to topic: swearing helps when I feel this anxious. Time for me to get back to work. Send some good thoughts out for me if you can…. I could really use some positive vibes. I hope you are all well blogger friends. ‘Til next time.