The Fear Machine

Let me tell you something about living with generalized anxiety disorder — I don’t like it. Not even a little bit…. I just don’t.  My poor, innocent, unassuming brain is nothing more than a raging fear machine when life throws it a few challenges.  And when I say life, I mean me.  I challenge myself all the time because I’m a sucker for punishment.  I must unconsciously like to suffer — does that make me a mind masochist?

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I didn’t sleep at all last night, so today I feel like a walking zombie.  Why is this?  Here’s why:

About four months ago, I decided to come off my anti-anxiety/depression medication.  After 10 years, I felt ready to go it on my own again.  Being an all or nothing kinda girl, I thought to myself “hey why don’t I also try quitting my 8 year nicorette habit, and just for kicks, let’s put my house up for sale just before Christmas.”

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Go big or go home baby.

SO my place has been up for sale since october 14, 2016 (my birthday btw).  I’ve been averaging a showing a week, which is really good for trailers in my trailer park.  Last night I had another showing, and I was expecting (like the others) for it to be a “No thank you.”  BUUUTTTTTT it wasn’t.  They put in a lowish verbal offer.  Me: OH SHIT!

Anxiety alert – full blown panic attack.  

I ended up back and forthing it with my realtor, who btw is dual agenting it on this deal.  He was being very pushy, but I gave him my bottom line, and now I wait.  Wait wait wait — F BOMB.  I hate waiting.  I doubt there is anyone out there who suffers from anxiety who enjoys waiting.  It’s just more time for the What if thinking to take over and ruin my sleep. I spent the evening pacing the hallways, talking to my mom, talking to my brother, talking to my girlfriend, pacing and on the phone.  That was my night.  Oh ya, and filling up my wine glass (oops).

Today, I’m still waiting.  Waiting to see if I need to find a place to live 2 weeks before Christmas. Oh yeah I forgot to mention — they want to move in before Christmas.   All I want for Christmas is my SANITY.  Sanity and maybe a place to call home.  Image result for My sanity

Well folks that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.  Once I know my fate, I’ll flog about it (follow up blog)  I just made that up!  Tired minds are dorky minds.

I hope you are all enjoying your day!!!!

 

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5 thoughts on “The Fear Machine

  1. I enjoyed reading this post darling…it’s a skill to find the humour in anxious situations 🙂 You’re so lovely and so brave. To be handling all this with no meds is brave and you’re doing amazing!! Keep going…show me how it’s done haha 🙂 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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