Life Reflections

As I sit and reflect on life, I realize I’m not where I want to be.  Whether or not I can do anything about it is hard to determine.  There is no shortage of advice that say’s we are the masters of our own universe, but I’m not sure I completely agree.  Sure, there are things that are within our control, but ultimately, I feel we are somewhat restricted by the cards we’ve been dealt.

Hand #1

I don’t disagree that we get to make choices about certain things in our lives.  We can decide to go to school, we can decide to apply for a job, we can decide between green socks or orange socks, but there is more to it than that.  When I was a teenager, I ran away from home.  There were things happening in my household that I shouldn’t have had to be dealing with, but those were my cards.  As a run-a-way with no proper guidence, I dropped out of high school and started working shitty jobs.  My only goal was survival, and I didn’t know who to turn to for help.

Hand #2:

I’m all grown up now, and I did end up finishing high school, and I put myself though an accounting trade program.  15 years ago, I became a certified personal trainer, and I ran a small side fitness business all while working my day job.  Recently, I have enrolled myself in online university courses, and I’m slowly working on a business degree.  I’m proud of this, but I am 42 years old without a university degree.  I live in a small university town.  My lack of formal education limits me as far as jobs go.  Yes, I am doing something about my eduction, but in reality, I will be ready for retirement by the time I get the degree.

Hand #3:

Anxiety and depression have also played a role in my life.  My mental health disorders have made building relationships difficult for me.  I am lucky to have a few good friends, but it wasn’t always that way.  When I was a kid, we moved a lot.  I went to 22 different schools, so I struggled to make friends.  I remember spending many lunches hiding in the bathroom stalls because no one would talk to me.  I was shy and chubby; a perfect target for bullies.

Hand #4:

In my late teens and early twenties, I was desparate for love and attention.  I had sex at an early age, developed an eating disorder, abused substances, and I ended up married by 20.  Life happened some more and my marriage ended when I was 31. After my marriage, I became involved with a man who emotionally and sexually abuse me.  It took me five years to build up the strength and courage to leave him.  That was almost four years ago, and I’ve been single ever since.

…………….Hold or Fold?

I don’t blame anyone for the things that I have lived through, and I don’t feel sorry for myself.  I do, however, feel that I am where I am because of the things that happened in my life.  I’ve made many mistakes in life, but I did the best I could with what I had.  I’m the best me that I can be right now.  I manage a full-time career and school all while dealing with severe anxiety and depression. BUT, I’m not where I wish I was.  I wish I had a job that fullfilled me emotionally; I wish I had a lover and best friend to share my life with, and I wish I didn’t have anxiety and depression.  I’m playing the cards that I’ve been dealt, and who knows how the game will end.  One thing is for certain — I did the best that I could with the hand I was dealt.