A River Dam

The absolute worst time for me to try writing a blog post is when I’m bored.  I sit and stare at the blank screen… I type a few words…. I delete the few words…. I type again…. delete, type…repeat, repeat, repeat — log out of Word Press… log back into Word Press and try try again.  Boredom does not inspire; it sucks the creative juices right out of me.  Do you know when I’m inspired???  2 minutes after I turn off the lights and crawl into bed.  All of a sudden my mind will be racing with brilliant ideas.  I keep telling myself to put a damn notebook beside my bed, but of course, I forget until the next flood of ideas is taking over my should-be sleep time.

My anxious brain is full of half developed ideas… I have 17 posts sitting in my draft folder, and I will probably post a total of zero of them.  Sit down in front of me and I will talk your ear off.  Put a keyboard under my fingers and all focus goes to hell.  Am I overthinking it?  Do I worry to much what people want to read?  Am I afraid of getting into topics that are too controversial?  Probably.  I don’t like conflict.  Conflict and anxiety disorders don’t play nice.  Professionally, I’m an expert conflict resolutionist.  I’m in HR after all; I kind of have to be.  Confront me on a personal level, however, and I will either kick your ass or cry.

I tend to lean more towards the kick your ass style of dealing with shit.  Many of my friends, coworkers, and even family members would tell you I’m tough as nails.  What only a few of them know is that I’m extemely sensitive.  To protect myself, I hide my emotions and put up walls.  These walls, unfortunately, make it difficult for me to fully express myself.  I hold back.  I don’t know how to open up completely.  I’m honest in my writing, but I never fully disclose.  Maybe one day, maybe not.

Well didn’t this post take an unusal turn.  My writer’s block unlocked a truth about myself I hadn’t noticed before.  That’s one for the therapy books.  Thanks for reading my ramblings today.  May you be filled with creativity and never ending inspiration.  Good Night.

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. SeekingGod2 says:

    That’s pretty much been me. Don’t have much to say these days.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am like you – looking/being tough only because I am too sensitive and get upset easily. it is okay to be who we are 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ms. SG41 says:

      Sometimes I struggle being me. Thanks for the reminder that it’s ok.

      Liked by 1 person

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